AIBU to think my SIL was trying to steal my thunder?

[GlasgowMiss1991]

So this happened before Covid, when people could attend events etc.

I had just got engaged and my family had kindly organised a family dinner for just my parents, siblings and partners and my cousin had organised a brunch the following day for the wider family to mark the occasion.

My SIL has a track record of becoming ill whenever my family has an occasion - she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc.

On the day of the dinner she insisted that we call to her house beforehand, which was not something she'd ever done before. My mother, my sister and I called down. My brother, (SIL's husband), and my Dad weren't there. SIL congratulated me on my engagement and told us she was pregnant.

I was delighted for her, but surprised at the manner that she had announced it, especially given that my brother wasn't even there.

She then became ill and hysterical later on in the evening and didn't show up for the family dinner.

I was mainly confused and surprised but my mother was quietly livid (she did not make this known to SIL or brother). She did ask them, however, not to announce the pregnancy at the brunch the following day.

Anyway I'm sure you can see where this is going. They announced it at the brunch. Everyone seemed a bit stunned by the announcement, there was no major fuss made.

Anyway, this happened ages ago, but since then she has done this again. She didn't attend my hen party and she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started. We had booked and paid for a room for them at the wedding venue so she could have gone for a lie down but instead she went home. There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

We make it our business to attend all of their parties/events etc.

We never spoke about this. I just sort of pretended that it was normal because frankly I didn't know how to approach it, and I don't want to start a fight. I have a good relationship with my brother. I mentioned it to a few friends but they didn't really offer opinions on it.

AIBU to think that she is trying to get attention, or at least trying to disrespect my celebrations deliberately? This isn't normal, right?

Yes it is her not you although I wouldn’t mind the pregnancy announcement but combined with becoming ill at events not about her does point to a jealous side.

I think you are doing the right thing by just ignoring and not calling her out, maintaining the relationship with your brother is the priority and you will get nowhere rational with her. She may be able to drive a wedge between her DH and your family by playing the victim if you bring it up. She obviously has major insecurities and perhaps they will settle down in time.

At least she is leaving and no causing a massive scene.

Can I just ask whether there is anyone else whose family don't make calculated "announcements"?

To me, the OP reads like self involved nonsense. If I were the cause of a family event in some way (engagement party, big birthday, wedding, whatever) and someone else at that party had news to share I wouldn't think twice that they would tell everyone. If I heard two weeks later that someone had made an Announcement (in perhaps a less convenient way) I might think: weird, she must have known at my birthday, wonder she didn't tell anyone then?

I mean if everyone has gathered for me, for some reason, they have already shown they care about my thing. They have made the effort to throw the party, or attend it; dress up, travel, find somewhere to stay (maybe), show up, put a big smile on and be there for me. How can someone else having happy news take away from that? I literally don't get it

[quote GlasgowMiss1991]@beenasfarasmercyandgrand it's customary to buy a present for a new child or for one's nephews/nieces special occasions. Normal people say thanks or send a text to acknowledge it. She doesn't mind receiving presents, as she tells me in advance what the boys would like, I just noticed the presents are never acknowledged.[/quote]
Does your brother thank you on behalf of his sons? It's not solely your SIL's responsibility, but she seems to be getting 100% of the blame.

I do gifts/thank yous for my half of the family, DH does it for his half.

But then I'm not someone who believes in the whole "it's my special day!" nonsense about weddings.
Me neither, but then the reason I find insufferable drama llamas annoying is because they're rude, attention seeking and place their ridiculous desire for attention above the comfort of everyone else at the event.

If I'm on a table catching up with relatives I've not seen for a while and they mention that Uncle Tim has taken early retirement, or a cousin I don't speak to regularly shares their engagement story then that's nice. If I went to an event with DH's family and found out that one of his wider family friends was expecting but we hadn't heard then that would be nice.
If a relative or friend who is close to the couple decides to use the event to make big announcements then they are rude and show themselves up. Nobody would announce engagements or pregnancies at close relatives wedding unless they were attention seeking.

To me, the OP reads like self involved nonsense. If I were the cause of a family event in some way (engagement party, big birthday, wedding, whatever) and someone else at that party had news to share I wouldn't think twice that they would tell everyone. If I heard two weeks later that someone had made an Announcement (in perhaps a less convenient way) I might think: weird, she must have known at my birthday, wonder she didn't tell anyone then?

I mean if everyone has gathered for me, for some reason, they have already shown they care about my thing. They have made the effort to throw the party, or attend it; dress up, travel, find somewhere to stay (maybe), show up, put a big smile on and be there for me. How can someone else having happy news take away from that? I literally don't get it

100% agree.

It's also just as much your brother's responsibility to buy family presents, as well as sending thank yous (more in fact, given that you're his family, not hers). But he seems to escape the blame there as well.

Do you always expect women to take 100% responsibility for that sort of emotional labour, gift giving etc?

Ignore her. She'll find that nobody really cares whether she reproduces or not. Just make sure that when it's your turn you have triplets.

It sounds awful.

TBF to your SIL it was obnoxious of your mother to tell her not to tell people about her pregnancy at the brunch. That’s controlling and nasty. You would have had your ‘limelight’ at the party the night before and it’s would be nice for your brother and wife to tell everyone when they are together.

It all sounds unpleasant.

@Therunecaster

Gosh.. on my wedding day I was 6 weeks pregnant and my two sisters and two sister in laws were all in the early stages of pregancy too. Its one of my happiest memories when we all guessed due to the lack of alcohol consumption.

How wonderful to have so many babies in the family at the same time.

@Hankunamatata

She is a big drama lama. Roll your eyes at her and let her get on with it. She sounds quite jealous of you

My mother did this at engagements weddings, christenings, xmas, any event she could t hink of. We all went NC eventually, there is no fix for a narcissist.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand - are you for real here?? You're comparing something like September 11th or the July 7th terrorist attacks with someone else some place else on the planet having already made an arrangement for their wedding/50th/Ruby Wedding anniversary which is so wholly unconnected with the attacks and asking how they would feel about it?

If I was having my wedding day on September 11th (or even 12th or 13th for that matter), I would have been glued to the telly, insisted that the wedding venue put a tv on in the room so that people could carry on watching (though most people had mobile phones at my wedding so they probably would have been watching on their phones) as it was a momentous event.
I'm sure that those people who were getting married on 22nd November 1963 would always remember their wedding day, but perhaps for a different reason to the obvious one.
Or maybe those who had events planned for 31st August 1997 would have slightly different memories of their events.

YANBU OP!

Pre covid it was my parent's golden wedding anniversary and at the dinner (which I organised!) my sister announced she and her DP had got married the day before.

I have no issue with them getting married but timing ffs.

She has to be the centre of attention all the time. It's not anxiety and she's been indulged since she was a kid as she's the baby of the family. My and DB just roll our eyes and try not to let it annoy us.

[quote LookItsMeAgain]@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand - are you for real here?? You're comparing something like September 11th or the July 7th terrorist attacks with someone else some place else on the planet having already made an arrangement for their wedding/50th/Ruby Wedding anniversary which is so wholly unconnected with the attacks and asking how they would feel about it?

If I was having my wedding day on September 11th (or even 12th or 13th for that matter), I would have been glued to the telly, insisted that the wedding venue put a tv on in the room so that people could carry on watching (though most people had mobile phones at my wedding so they probably would have been watching on their phones) as it was a momentous event.
I'm sure that those people who were getting married on 22nd November 1963 would always remember their wedding day, but perhaps for a different reason to the obvious one.
Or maybe those who had events planned for 31st August 1997 would have slightly different memories of their events.[/quote]
I think you've missed my point.

My point is that if someone can't cope with something as trivial as someone sharing news of a pregnancy at their wedding, how on earth do they cope if the day is even more overshadowed by something else?

But as I said, I don't subscribe to the whole "It's my special day!" nonsense.

Totally agree about my brother re the presents. They're both rubbish at that. I just meant that I would thank my MIL or SIL if they gave me or my child a present, especially when they are physically present as the gift is handed over.

She doesn't have any illnesses @Mellonsprite I have a lifelong illness that sometimes seems to set her off when someone mentions it, or asks how I am. Mad stuff.

I wouldn’t be buying her birthday/Christmas presents in future! What a madam!

@GlasgowMiss1991

Totally agree about my brother re the presents. They're both rubbish at that. I just meant that I would thank my MIL or SIL if they gave me or my child a present, especially when they are physically present as the gift is handed over.

She doesn't have any illnesses @Mellonsprite I have a lifelong illness that sometimes seems to set her off when someone mentions it, or asks how I am. Mad stuff.

Seems to me she’s just a drama Queen who would be best ignored then. I only asked as sometimes I might say yes to an event, want to go, but have an unpredictable flare up nearer the time, but it’s not that in her case.

OP, I think you need to grow up and stop comparing every family occasion negatively with your SIL. It’s a very unhealthy obsession and so what if she doesn’t share your (made up) family values? It doesn’t make you superior to her or her inferior to you. Can you not accept that you don’t share the same perspective on things?

Your cultural norms are made up rules, just as stories in the Bible are made up. As an individual, you’re entitled to choose to believe them or not.

Personally, I have zero interest in weddings, my own and other peoples. I had a quick registry office session and no photos. The thought of attending family parties fills me with horror and if I can get out of attending them, I will do.

This does not make me a bad person!

It means I don’t share the same values about prioritising family activities as other family members might choose to.

Just stop!

Bollock your brother and tell him it’s unspeakably rude not to thank people for gifts, to pull sickies at the slightest whiff of someone else having something to celebrate

Stop buying gifts, stop inviting them to things, tell him why and fuck it. People like her keep doing this because people like you keep turning a blind eye.

@killahangilion if she was like you and hated family occasions that would be fine. I am an introvert so I understand that. But she doesn't. She just hates ones that are not hers She invited 400 people to her wedding. Mine had 30. Trust me, I'm not the attention seeker here.

Your sil sounds just like Megan Markle, after all she announced her pregnancy at Princess Beatrice’s wedding, if I remember correctly. She always has to be the centre of attention too!

It's probably best that she doesn't attend any functions, due to her jealousy, and wanting to be the star attraction. Its a pain knowing people like this, especially a family member.

Oh, everyone has one of these in their extended family or friends, surely? Best ignored as far as possible. It is hard if they’re married to your sibling, but that was his choice ultimately, after all. Amuse yourself with ill health bingo - points scored for whether they need to not turn up/leave early/get fussed over or sent to lie down, whether their pain/illness/condition is more severe than anyone else’s, whether they’ve already tried every remedy suggested and do must just martyr themselves...

I've a family member like that, she will make every event about here, if its a meal she needs particular food, if it's an event she can't trump she will get 'seriously' I'll, often resulting in a trip to hospital where nothing is found to be wrong, when she was younger if her sister in law bought a new outfit she would buy two the same but in different colours, she has ruined more family events than could be counted and recently carried on ridiculously at her long suffering partners funeral. Make the break from her as much as possible or she will be a thorn in your side forever.

My Mum was like this, every single event she'd be ill. I got married abroad and my parents came with us, she got an awful eye infection and was really poorly. I went to stay with them one Easter with my dc and I saw her for 10 mins during the week as she was in bed with tonsillitis. My Dad would go to most family dos, friends parties or works dos on his own as she'd always be struck down ill the day before.

The list goes on. But I genuinely think she got so stressed that she made herself ill.

Although she didn't try and steal anyone's thunder and would never dream of doing so

@NoSquirrels

Oh, everyone has one of these in their extended family or friends, surely? Best ignored as far as possible. It is hard if they’re married to your sibling, but that was his choice ultimately, after all. Amuse yourself with ill health bingo - points scored for whether they need to not turn up/leave early/get fussed over or sent to lie down, whether their pain/illness/condition is more severe than anyone else’s, whether they’ve already tried every remedy suggested and do must just martyr themselves...

I agree, a sense of humour is the thing to get you through this. My late mother-in-law was a bit like this and I used to do a backwards count in my head when I met her to see how long it would take to get to her maladies 'And complaint coming in 5, 4, 3,2,1...'. I'd rarely make it to 3. As long as a sufficient number are agreed on how annoying it is and don't pander to it too much then it's manageable if you can see the funny (and also sad) side of it