Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my SIL was trying to steal my thunder?

138 replies

GlasgowMiss1991 · 17/05/2021 10:32

So this happened before Covid, when people could attend events etc.

I had just got engaged and my family had kindly organised a family dinner for just my parents, siblings and partners and my cousin had organised a brunch the following day for the wider family to mark the occasion.

My SIL has a track record of becoming ill whenever my family has an occasion - she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc.

On the day of the dinner she insisted that we call to her house beforehand, which was not something she'd ever done before. My mother, my sister and I called down. My brother, (SIL's husband), and my Dad weren't there. SIL congratulated me on my engagement and told us she was pregnant.

I was delighted for her, but surprised at the manner that she had announced it, especially given that my brother wasn't even there.

She then became ill and hysterical later on in the evening and didn't show up for the family dinner.

I was mainly confused and surprised but my mother was quietly livid (she did not make this known to SIL or brother). She did ask them, however, not to announce the pregnancy at the brunch the following day.

Anyway I'm sure you can see where this is going. They announced it at the brunch. Everyone seemed a bit stunned by the announcement, there was no major fuss made.

Anyway, this happened ages ago, but since then she has done this again. She didn't attend my hen party and she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started. We had booked and paid for a room for them at the wedding venue so she could have gone for a lie down but instead she went home. There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

We make it our business to attend all of their parties/events etc.

We never spoke about this. I just sort of pretended that it was normal because frankly I didn't know how to approach it, and I don't want to start a fight. I have a good relationship with my brother. I mentioned it to a few friends but they didn't really offer opinions on it.

AIBU to think that she is trying to get attention, or at least trying to disrespect my celebrations deliberately? This isn't normal, right?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 17/05/2021 13:05

is she an only child-does she do this often

there wasno need to announce a 7 week pregnancy

MrsMiddleMother · 17/05/2021 13:06

She sounds like an attention seeking bitch but it was over a year ago I'd just move on. And a dinner with immediate family and a brunch with wider family/friends is hardly over kill..

Nonmaquillee · 17/05/2021 13:07

Sounds as toxic as hell.

Rosebel · 17/05/2021 13:09

It wouldn't bother me but on the other hand I wouldn't do it to someone else.
My husband asked me to marry him the day after my sisters wedding but he asked in private and we didn't tell anyone until 2 weeks later when I had my ring.

BumCat · 17/05/2021 13:10

My step grandmother is like this. Always has been. It’s exhausting. There’s not much you can do if you don’t want to fall out with your brother, just let them show themselves up. Deeply unreasonable people can rarely be reasoned with.

mam0918 · 17/05/2021 13:11

So she attends events and leaves the house 'in general'?

If she doesnt attend anything then maybe shes anxious, agrophobic or introverted.

And theres no reason for her decline an event at the families private home (example: if they are indoor chain smokers)?

Honestly Im an ex smoker, I love my friends by they chain smoke like crazy, I cant go to their houses too often because my throat feels like razors the next day from all the second hand smoke - I have know people to have similar issues with pets or 'house cleanliness' (although if someones judging my cleanliness Im glad they dont come lol).

If its neither of the above then honestly it sounds like it could be jealousy, anger and/or embarrasment... the announcement seems like a cry for attention (jealousy) and the leaving right after when she didnt get attention sounds like anger (at not getting attention) or latent embarrasment (realising no one supports her behavior).

Shewholovedthethebanhills · 17/05/2021 13:13

I have one like that. She announced her pregnancy at our wedding, to everyone except DH and me. People were mortified and she was completely oblivious to the fact she had just embarrassed herself. I feel rather sorry for her actually as she's so competitive but never seems to 'win'. She's not a very happy person.

Dacquoise · 17/05/2021 13:16

Drama llama behaviour. My sil was like this. Had to be at the centre of every occasion, sometimes kicking off because she was drunk, sometimes just not turning up at all. She even upstaged her own daughter who was singing something she'd learnt for a performance at school, sil took over the singing. Cringe.

Weird thing was she was very sensitive about being upstaged herself. Went on for years about me announcing my engagement at her wedding. Didn't happen. Got engaged weeks before and an uncle who I hadn't seen for a long time came up to congratulate me. I specifically said we didn't want a fuss and to make it hush as it was my brother's wedding day. Somehow it got turned into the crime of the century.

People like this wither through lack of attention. Ignore, avoid, keep at a big distance.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/05/2021 13:17

The pregnancy announcement was rude, but I don't really see the problem with the other things you list as examples of her behaviour.

she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc.
She didn't attend my hen party
she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started
There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

This isn't 'stealing thunder'. It's her choice, and she obviously just didn't want to go to those events. She's probably aware that you don't actually like her, which makes it a sensible choice on her part.

You don't like her, so why on earth would you want her there?

We make it our business to attend all of their parties/events etc.

What do you want, a medal?

GroovyClementine · 17/05/2021 13:19

There are Reddit threads that YouTubers like to scrape stories from like 'entitled parents' and such.

Maybe there should be a new category entitled 'exhausting people'. Your SIL would fit that remit.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/05/2021 13:21

A friend of mine shared new of her pregnancy at my post-wedding party. You know what? I was really happy for her.

People who are obsessed about being the sole focus of attention at their birthday/engagement/wedding/baby shower are just as annoying and insecure as the drama llamas who try to 'upstage' them. If both parties are secure in themselves and actually like each other, there is no issue.

randomkey123 · 17/05/2021 13:21

My sister is just like this.

We're NC because the best and only reaction to someone in this situation is to give nothing back at all.

Shewholovedthethebanhills · 17/05/2021 13:28

I think there's a big difference between announcing something at a post-wedding party and announcing it (secretly in my case) on the day. The only thing that bothered me about it was that she embarrassed people by doing something so odd and crass. I was told she created a bit of an atmosphere. I confess other people reacted to it far more strongly than I did though - I wasn't cross or upset. I think that would have said as much about me as her, so I agree with you there.

Original poster
GlasgowMiss1991 · 17/05/2021 13:30

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand aren't you nice!

Maybe it's a cultural thing. Not showing up to important family events repeatedly due to last minute hysterics/illness is considered rude where I come from. We value when people make an effort to show up for milestones. It's surely part of being a family. I don't want a medal, I was just making the point that everyone makes an effort for her, rightly, but she doesn't reciprocate. This only goes for my family or my brother's friends. She does not become ill with her own family.

She also doesn't thank anyone for presents or give presents for other people's children's births, birthdays etc. Maybe it's an entitlement thing or maybe she just was brought up differently to us?

I'm not trying to make a fuss I'm trying to understand her. I expect to have to deal with her on some level for the rest of my life so I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this and support my brother because I know his life is difficult with her behind closed doors.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 17/05/2021 13:31

I have a Dsis that has to be the centre of attention, particularly if it's an occasion that's to celebrate something of mine.

I've bet DP 50 quid that she'll announce her engagement or get her partner to propose at our wedding. She's a cunt.

Bungalowlady · 17/05/2021 13:31

On the day of a dear friends funeral her son's long-term fiancée ( who family put up with rather than liked) asked to say a few words.She announced her wedding date including venue guest list and dress code. The day chosen was friend's birthday so they would still have something to celebrate now friend was gone 😒

MajorMujer · 17/05/2021 13:32

She sounds like a royal pain in the arse.
DH actually proposed to me at my Bf's engagement party - but it was outside the marquee, under the stars, just the 2 of us & we told no one until 3 weeks later ( my birthday).

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/05/2021 13:34

I genuinely wouldn't care if a friend or a member of my family who I cared about shared news of a pregnancy / engagement / new job on the day of my wedding. I would be happy for them, they would be happy for me.

But then I'm not someone who believes in the whole "it's my special day!" nonsense about weddings.

How do these people cope if they happen to get married on the day of a big news event? (e.g. 11/9/01, or 07/07/05) Do they get annoyed about things like that taking away the attention they feel is their due?

Original poster
GlasgowMiss1991 · 17/05/2021 13:35

Some of the stories on here are so insane I actually feel quite lucky with my SIL.

@Bungalowlady that is shocking!

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/05/2021 13:36

She also doesn't thank anyone for presents or give presents for other people's children's births, birthdays etc.

If she doesn't give, then why on earth do you? It sounds like she doesn't do presents, and doesn't want them.

Original poster
GlasgowMiss1991 · 17/05/2021 13:42

@beenasfarasmercyandgrand it's customary to buy a present for a new child or for one's nephews/nieces special occasions. Normal people say thanks or send a text to acknowledge it. She doesn't mind receiving presents, as she tells me in advance what the boys would like, I just noticed the presents are never acknowledged.

OP posts:
viques · 17/05/2021 13:42

Well if you know what she is like you have to learn to live with it , laugh about it and ultimately ignore it. Just be thankful you don’t live inside her head because it can’t be a very nice place to be.

It’s annoying when someone behaves like this, but honestly, unless she is running around hitting people on the head with a big stick or pushing them off cliffs the best thing you can do is not show them you care about their hysterics.

Gilly12345 · 17/05/2021 13:45

She sounds like a drama queen who definitely wants the spotlight on herself.
I would just get on with your life and avoid her if possible.
In the future I personally would not include her and if your Brother gets the hump then explain the situation to him that she wants to deflect the attention to her at the expenses of other.
Unfortunately this is a case of you can choose your friends but not your family.

theleafandnotthetree · 17/05/2021 13:46

I've a girl like this in my book club and frankly that's close enough. I breathe a sigh of relief when she can't come. Sadly that's rare though there's usually a 'will she won't she' set of dramas beforehand, the details of which are shared in minute detail beforehand. Total dose, I so sympathise OP. The good thing is, the vast majority of people, apart from the terminally nice, know well the measure of these kind of people

Mellonsprite · 17/05/2021 13:47

Why does she become ill at ‘occasions’, does she have an underlying condition?
I have IBD which can be unpredictable but maybe I’m clutching at straws here?

Swipe left for the next trending thread