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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my SIL was trying to steal my thunder?

138 replies

GlasgowMiss1991 · 17/05/2021 10:32

So this happened before Covid, when people could attend events etc.

I had just got engaged and my family had kindly organised a family dinner for just my parents, siblings and partners and my cousin had organised a brunch the following day for the wider family to mark the occasion.

My SIL has a track record of becoming ill whenever my family has an occasion - she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc.

On the day of the dinner she insisted that we call to her house beforehand, which was not something she'd ever done before. My mother, my sister and I called down. My brother, (SIL's husband), and my Dad weren't there. SIL congratulated me on my engagement and told us she was pregnant.

I was delighted for her, but surprised at the manner that she had announced it, especially given that my brother wasn't even there.

She then became ill and hysterical later on in the evening and didn't show up for the family dinner.

I was mainly confused and surprised but my mother was quietly livid (she did not make this known to SIL or brother). She did ask them, however, not to announce the pregnancy at the brunch the following day.

Anyway I'm sure you can see where this is going. They announced it at the brunch. Everyone seemed a bit stunned by the announcement, there was no major fuss made.

Anyway, this happened ages ago, but since then she has done this again. She didn't attend my hen party and she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started. We had booked and paid for a room for them at the wedding venue so she could have gone for a lie down but instead she went home. There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

We make it our business to attend all of their parties/events etc.

We never spoke about this. I just sort of pretended that it was normal because frankly I didn't know how to approach it, and I don't want to start a fight. I have a good relationship with my brother. I mentioned it to a few friends but they didn't really offer opinions on it.

AIBU to think that she is trying to get attention, or at least trying to disrespect my celebrations deliberately? This isn't normal, right?

OP posts:
Bimblybomeyelash · 17/05/2021 12:23

I couldn’t get worked up about this. If you think she is attention seeking, and that bothers you, the best thing that you can do is just ignore it.

StellaLeonte · 17/05/2021 12:24

Yanbu. I have social anxiety and sometimes miss family occasions because I’m in too much of a state so it sounds as if something similar is going on. BUT why on earth is she then grabbing attention etc, who’d do that?

Meowchickameowmeow · 17/05/2021 12:25

Hi Monica!

Original poster
GlasgowMiss1991 · 17/05/2021 12:26

For those saying two days for an engagement is OTT - my parents had a dinner for us with just my siblings and their partners, and my cousin had a brunch at her house for a few aunts, uncles and cousins who wanted to congratulate us. I didn't organise or ask for either event and it never occurred to me that it was over the top. All the family except for us live locally so it wasn't a big deal.

The two day event I mentioned at the end of the email refers to my wedding which is obviously separate to the engagement. I didn't expect or ask anyone to attend for 2 days if they didn't want to. I was trying to accommodate DH's family who had to travel a long distance. The wedding was tiny.

And for those saying I want to be the centre of attention, it's more about manners. I was just checking that I wasn't mad to think it's bad manners to announce a pregnancy at 7 weeks and then throw a strop and not attend a family event the same day. Most people seem to think it is so I'm reassured by that.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 17/05/2021 12:28

I don't get upset if anyone doesn't attend my invites, they are not summons. They must have their reasons and whether that is because they don't like/feel comfortable around the other attendees, or the place or whatever, it is their loss.

I can remember, years ago, going to an extended family silver wedding anniversary party down in Newcastle, it was MIL's cousins who we barely know, a lovely couple. I was 3 months pregnant and planned not to tell them as it was their party, but MIL let it "slip" at the bar. The couple, after checking we were ok with it, encouraged us to make the announcement over the microphone and made such a fuss with a champagne toast (just a sip for me!) it was lovely.

No-one thought twice about it, at your brunch your reaction to the news would have set the tone/reaction for others. I would always rather be that Newcastle couple warmly celebrating all good news than worry about any thunder stealing nonsense.

Muchasgracias · 17/05/2021 12:28

Ok making a birth announcement at someone else’s celebration is very bad form.

How far along was she when she announced the pregnancy? Was it visible? Just thinking that maybe she Didn’t think she could hide it at the family event and that’s why she called you to the house before to tell you without any fuss?

Also, sounds like she might have social anxiety and is not great at a managing it.

BohemianRaspbery · 17/05/2021 12:29

my sister proposed to her now dh at my wedding in the middle of the speeches.

nanbread · 17/05/2021 12:31

Doesn't sound like anxiety to me.

Sounds like a bad case of cuntychops-itis

Melitza · 17/05/2021 12:32

@BohemianRaspbery

my sister proposed to her now dh at my wedding in the middle of the speeches.
That is so selfish. What is wrong with these me me me people?
MatildaTheCat · 17/05/2021 12:33

@Abricot1993

A very similar thing happened at Eugenie`s wedding.
Grin
LolaSmiles · 17/05/2021 12:35

YANBU
She sounds like a drama llama, but thankfully it sounds like most of your family have got the measure of her. I love that her pregnancy announcement was met with "oh how nice" and general bemusement for hijacking your event. That must have really annoyed her.

Be prepared that once she gives birth she will probably be the only woman to gave ever given birth and everything shall be spoken of in hyperbole. She's either going to have the best, most effortless birth in the history of womankind where the midwifes say she is a natural inspiration to all, or it will be told as the most horrifying and traumatic experience to have ever happened to any woman ever.

She sounds hard work, but the more polite and low key your reactions, the more she's likely to raise her game and make a fool of herself.

Seefoodwaffle · 17/05/2021 12:39

sounds exactly like my younger sister...

She's harmless really, aside from being quite spoilt. Take it as a form of flattery.
She cannot stand NOT being the child in the center of attention, especially with my parents.
She wants to move 200 miles away to be near me, not sure why.

Seefoodwaffle · 17/05/2021 12:40

@BohemianRaspbery

my sister proposed to her now dh at my wedding in the middle of the speeches.
this tops all the wierd sisters in the world
HelloOldSport · 17/05/2021 12:41

Bloody rude. I'd have to say something.

TwoAndAnOnion · 17/05/2021 12:45

@Aprilwasverywet

Make a mental note if dh doesn't invite her then you don't... My sil was also a nightmare... Wouldn't have my dd(not dh's) at her wedding incase the guests thought her dps were dgps already when she wanted the first dgc... A year later I did have the first dgc.. She never forgave me.
It's the brothers wife, not the husbands sister. V difficult to exclude your sibling
sapnupuas · 17/05/2021 12:45

@BohemianRaspbery

my sister proposed to her now dh at my wedding in the middle of the speeches.
I think we all need to know more about this.
Peachee · 17/05/2021 12:50

I think you are best to ask her what’s going on.. you don’t know if she has an anxiety issue or something going on otherwise. I think it’s wrong of you to assume this is a personal attack without confronting her.. something is definitely wrong with her but you need to find out what is going on..

BarbarianMum · 17/05/2021 12:50

YANBU to think its abnormal but there's nothing you can do about it and honestly I wouldnt let it bother you. Your family will soon get used to the idea that SiL will have an attack of drama-llamaitis each event, will ignore her and get on with whatever the occasion in hand is. Just dont go out of your way to accomodate her, no more booking rooms so she can have a lie down, just let her get on with it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/05/2021 12:51

@nanbread

Doesn't sound like anxiety to me.

Sounds like a bad case of cuntychops-itis

That did make me laugh!

Yup, she's attention-seeking, cannot bear for anyone else to be the centre of attention for so much as a minute. I actually feel sorry for these types, despite them being a complete PITA.

"My SIL has a track record of becoming ill whenever my family has an occasion - she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc."
Now, I would accommodate that. I'd murmur into my brother's ear that I was planning a celebration, but I know how much SIL stresses about such occasions and it invariably makes her ill, so to take the stress off could he please reassure her that I had no expectation of her attending and I'd completely understand if he preferred not to either should she need his support. But I am a complete cow!

CausingChaos2 · 17/05/2021 12:53

It may not be the answer you want to hear but I do wonder if she has some sort of anxiety issue if she’s regularly taken ill and missing events. Most me-me-me people would make sure they were there to attend and keep themselves in the spotlight, not miss out.

Ultimately you don’t need to change your reaction whatever the underlying cause is. If she irritates you surely her missing events is a plus. And maybe cool off your commitment to attending every event they host.

ChikiTIKI · 17/05/2021 12:55

She definitely should have let you have your moment.

My husband forgot to mention to his friends that was pregnant the second time. I was 5 months along and I found this out shortly before we attended an engagement party of his friends, where lots of his other friends were attending. I made sure I hid my little bump and didn't mention it at all. I would have been SO embarrassed if people had been congratulating us at someone else's engagement party.

Zzelda · 17/05/2021 12:56

Start running a sweepstake on when the dramatic "illness" announcement is going to come.

MitheringSunday · 17/05/2021 12:58

Tbh, I think the poster who suggested you and she may not be as dissimilar as you like to think is on to something. All this happened well over a year ago and still bothers you. And although I appreciate you didn't ask for them, a dinner plus a brunch for an engagement is overkill, and does suggest a family for whom 'attention' of this kind is a valuable currency - and it may be that SIL, as an 'outsider', struggles to cope with that.

Rubyrecka · 17/05/2021 13:03

I read this and thought it sounds like she had social anxiety scurrying off after every minimal interaction and being fake sick however the fact u asked her not to announce their pregnancy on your engagement dinner and did it anyway says a lot. I’d be furious and have to say something.

Tooshytoshine · 17/05/2021 13:04

She sounds hard work and self involved. It may have been that they were ttc for a while though so it was all consuming and stressful, and how nice for the family to have double good news of an engagement and a new baby - I really don't know why you have taken umbrage at this nor why your mother meddled either.

This sounds like a particularly one eyed version of events. If my children told me a tale where they were entirely reasonable and the other person was hysterical I would add a pinch of salt.

You both need to get over yourselves a bit. Try being nicer to her and holding onto petty grudges and see whether she feels less unwelcome at gatherings. And congratulations on your new niece or nephew, as well as your upcoming marriage.

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