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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my SIL was trying to steal my thunder?

138 replies

GlasgowMiss1991 · 17/05/2021 10:32

So this happened before Covid, when people could attend events etc.

I had just got engaged and my family had kindly organised a family dinner for just my parents, siblings and partners and my cousin had organised a brunch the following day for the wider family to mark the occasion.

My SIL has a track record of becoming ill whenever my family has an occasion - she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc.

On the day of the dinner she insisted that we call to her house beforehand, which was not something she'd ever done before. My mother, my sister and I called down. My brother, (SIL's husband), and my Dad weren't there. SIL congratulated me on my engagement and told us she was pregnant.

I was delighted for her, but surprised at the manner that she had announced it, especially given that my brother wasn't even there.

She then became ill and hysterical later on in the evening and didn't show up for the family dinner.

I was mainly confused and surprised but my mother was quietly livid (she did not make this known to SIL or brother). She did ask them, however, not to announce the pregnancy at the brunch the following day.

Anyway I'm sure you can see where this is going. They announced it at the brunch. Everyone seemed a bit stunned by the announcement, there was no major fuss made.

Anyway, this happened ages ago, but since then she has done this again. She didn't attend my hen party and she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started. We had booked and paid for a room for them at the wedding venue so she could have gone for a lie down but instead she went home. There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

We make it our business to attend all of their parties/events etc.

We never spoke about this. I just sort of pretended that it was normal because frankly I didn't know how to approach it, and I don't want to start a fight. I have a good relationship with my brother. I mentioned it to a few friends but they didn't really offer opinions on it.

AIBU to think that she is trying to get attention, or at least trying to disrespect my celebrations deliberately? This isn't normal, right?

OP posts:
Looubylou · 17/05/2021 11:26

Everyone will have noticed the pattern. Don't bitch a bout it, maybe share a giggle and 🙄 with your mum and partner, in a there she goes again, you owe me a tenner sort of way. Act normal with brother - there's no way he won't already be putting up with drama at home poor sole. I think I would avoid paying in advance for her in future situations if it can be avoided without looking like odd.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 17/05/2021 11:26

Some people are just like this. I assume there is a reason for their behaviour but I just dont get caught up in it.
I'd carry on inviting. Assume that it will be a no show or they will leave early. Express appropriate concern etc without meaning it. I find this pretty easy to do.

Honeyroar · 17/05/2021 11:27

I don’t understand the thunder thing personally. I don’t expect wedding/birthday/engagements to completely revolve around me. It’s a celebration where friends get to share my happiness- and if they’ve got something to share too, great. And I would feel a little stressed being in a family where such a big deal was made. Two days for an engagement is OTT imo.

Witchesbelazy · 17/05/2021 11:28

A relative of mine is the same I just ignore her now. She’s openly admitted she does it on purpose

ElsieMc · 17/05/2021 11:39

Good God how old is she? I remember I used to be ill sometimes at my friends' parties when I did not get enough attention. Difference was I was about five at the time. I grew out of it though. Sounds like she hasn't.

How unkind of her and how awful for your brother. Its like she has to overshadow everything. He needs to speak to her. You have done nothing wrong and sound kind and patient which she does not deserve.

ThursdayWeld · 17/05/2021 11:42

Maybe (sounds like it) she has social anxiety. And pregnancy hormones can make one "ill and hysterical".

I think the two of you are similar - you want an occasion to be about you, and don't want to share the limelight.

ThursdayWeld · 17/05/2021 11:43

@Honeyroar

I don’t understand the thunder thing personally. I don’t expect wedding/birthday/engagements to completely revolve around me. It’s a celebration where friends get to share my happiness- and if they’ve got something to share too, great. And I would feel a little stressed being in a family where such a big deal was made. Two days for an engagement is OTT imo.
Totally agree with this!
Dixiechickonhols · 17/05/2021 11:46

It reflects badly on her. Everyone will see what’s she’s up to it’s inappropriate to try and steal thunder and announce pregnancy at an engagement party. I’d ignore and be cautious going forward. Don’t give her any part to play in events that would matter then it’s irrelevant if she comes or not.

Tubs11 · 17/05/2021 11:47

omg op, she sounds like hard hard work and the ultimate attention seeker!!
suggest you ignore her and in a way pity her as she's clearly disturbed that she needs to be the centre of attention all the time and can't enjoy the events of family and friends, must be exhausting
I hope you have a lovely wedding

starfishmummy · 17/05/2021 11:52

Initially I thought maybe she just doesnt like social occasions so is "diplomatically" ill. However that doesnt explain her hijacking occasions with her own announcements. Ignore. I'm sure the rest of the family have her measure!!

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 17/05/2021 11:54

I would avoid inviting them going forward, organise smaller parties and dinners and stop inviting her.

For bigger functions it won't matter if she is there or not. Small parties avoid at all cost. Let them work out why their invitations have dried up.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/05/2021 11:59

And this narcissist is going to have a baby. That poor child. I hope it doesn't end up as damaged as I am with a mother like that.

JudgeJ · 17/05/2021 11:59

@ThursdayWeld

Maybe (sounds like it) she has social anxiety. And pregnancy hormones can make one "ill and hysterical".

I think the two of you are similar - you want an occasion to be about you, and don't want to share the limelight.

Good old MN, always some ailment, pregnancy is always a good excuse for bad behaviour. Oddly when I had two babies I never heard the word 'hormones', far to busy living my life. People can simply be arses don'ch'a know for no other reason than that's who they are, not everything has a pseudo-scientific name!
roarfeckingroarr · 17/05/2021 12:00

Two days to celebrate your engagement is OTT. I would've thought having everyone together would be a great time for your brother and SIL to announce their happy news. The getting ill thing is weird.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/05/2021 12:02

'That's nice, dear'.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/05/2021 12:05

@GlasgowMiss1991

So this happened before Covid, when people could attend events etc.

I had just got engaged and my family had kindly organised a family dinner for just my parents, siblings and partners and my cousin had organised a brunch the following day for the wider family to mark the occasion.

My SIL has a track record of becoming ill whenever my family has an occasion - she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc.

On the day of the dinner she insisted that we call to her house beforehand, which was not something she'd ever done before. My mother, my sister and I called down. My brother, (SIL's husband), and my Dad weren't there. SIL congratulated me on my engagement and told us she was pregnant.

I was delighted for her, but surprised at the manner that she had announced it, especially given that my brother wasn't even there.

She then became ill and hysterical later on in the evening and didn't show up for the family dinner.

I was mainly confused and surprised but my mother was quietly livid (she did not make this known to SIL or brother). She did ask them, however, not to announce the pregnancy at the brunch the following day.

Anyway I'm sure you can see where this is going. They announced it at the brunch. Everyone seemed a bit stunned by the announcement, there was no major fuss made.

Anyway, this happened ages ago, but since then she has done this again. She didn't attend my hen party and she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started. We had booked and paid for a room for them at the wedding venue so she could have gone for a lie down but instead she went home. There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

We make it our business to attend all of their parties/events etc.

We never spoke about this. I just sort of pretended that it was normal because frankly I didn't know how to approach it, and I don't want to start a fight. I have a good relationship with my brother. I mentioned it to a few friends but they didn't really offer opinions on it.

AIBU to think that she is trying to get attention, or at least trying to disrespect my celebrations deliberately? This isn't normal, right?

Do you know her well? This type of behaviour pattern can be common in women who have had PNA due to multiple miscarriages / infertility. I was a bit like this - cancelling at the last minute, a bit hysterical, making weird and often thoughtless comments without even realising it because I was so stressed out.

I think your Mum being offended on your behalf is ridiculous to be honest. While yes you had a big occasion, it was just an engagement. A lot of people stretch them out for years without a wedding, so if she was telling them at the brunch because she’s not drinking I don’t think it’s a big deal. Is she not happy about having another GC?

Snowpaw · 17/05/2021 12:06

I don’t know...I’m not sure it’s something I’d get too worked up about. In my family we often find out lots of people’s news on the same day because we don’t all get together that much. I remember fondly attending a cousins wedding and learning that my other cousin was pregnant. The more happy news the better I say. But then again I’m not the type of person who would think to have two family celebrations for an engagement so I’m probably not the best person to listen to.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/05/2021 12:07

@roarfeckingroarr

Two days to celebrate your engagement is OTT. I would've thought having everyone together would be a great time for your brother and SIL to announce their happy news. The getting ill thing is weird.
Yes this is weird and I’m Hindu: we have loads of functions but two days for an engagement is ott even in my background.
Abricot1993 · 17/05/2021 12:08

A very similar thing happened at Eugenie`s wedding.

alloalloallo · 17/05/2021 12:08

I have a SiL like this (DH’s sister).

She has made every single family event about her.

At our wedding she announced her engagement. When MiL asked her WTF she was doing she replied that she hadn’t seen various members of the extended family to tell them face to face of her happy news. She had been engaged for two years.

When BiL (DH’s brother) announced his engagement recently, she announced a renewal of her wedding vows

She cannot bear anyone having any attention. My daughter has Tourette’s and she can’t cope with any mention of it. If anyone asks how DD is doing she’ll immediately butt in with something that is happening with one of her kids.

Everything is a competition and everything has to have happened to her, but much, much worse. If someone breaks their leg, she’s broken hers in two places.

People will notice. Everyone knows what my SiL is doing and pretty much ignores it now.

reprehensibleme · 17/05/2021 12:15

I don't think the op had 2 days of celebrations for her engagement! A dinner for close family one evening then a brunch for wider family the next day.......... Not particularly over the top, surely?

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 17/05/2021 12:19

Could she suffer from Anxiety? I have anxiety and I'll admit there have been lots of times I have missed family events because I was "sick" when in reality it was my anxiety kicking in. As I've gotten older I've learned to better handle it and dont usually miss things any more. I have a friend who also has anxiety and she has done the same things too. I'm sure my in-laws have thought all kinds of awful things about me because of me missing events.

Cam2020 · 17/05/2021 12:21

Anxiety perhaps? Although I think the timing of her announcement doesn't really nod to that, it does seem like she's only bothered about events if she's the centre of attention.

LagunaBubbles · 17/05/2021 12:22

I dont think there is anything wrong with having 2 celebrations, sounds like its with different people.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/05/2021 12:22

@roarfeckingroarr

Two days to celebrate your engagement is OTT. I would've thought having everyone together would be a great time for your brother and SIL to announce their happy news. The getting ill thing is weird.
It wasn't two days to celebrate an engagement. There was the family dinner to celebrate that. The OP's friends had organised a brunch (as they are not family) to celebrate the following day. I wouldn't have minded if my SiL to be didn't show up at the second one but she shouldn't have taken over the first one.

Then there was the hen night - this SiL didn't show for that,
Then there was the wedding day (SiL didn't stay in the rrom that the OP and her now husband had arranged for them to stay in) and the day after the wedding (lots of people are doing a 2 day wedding celebration - the first is very formal and the second much less so),
She didn't attend my hen party and she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started. We had booked and paid for a room for them at the wedding venue so she could have gone for a lie down but instead she went home. There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

That's how I read it.