AIBU to think my SIL was trying to steal my thunder?

[GlasgowMiss1991]

So this happened before Covid, when people could attend events etc.

I had just got engaged and my family had kindly organised a family dinner for just my parents, siblings and partners and my cousin had organised a brunch the following day for the wider family to mark the occasion.

My SIL has a track record of becoming ill whenever my family has an occasion - she's missed major birthday celebrations, naming ceremonies etc.

On the day of the dinner she insisted that we call to her house beforehand, which was not something she'd ever done before. My mother, my sister and I called down. My brother, (SIL's husband), and my Dad weren't there. SIL congratulated me on my engagement and told us she was pregnant.

I was delighted for her, but surprised at the manner that she had announced it, especially given that my brother wasn't even there.

She then became ill and hysterical later on in the evening and didn't show up for the family dinner.

I was mainly confused and surprised but my mother was quietly livid (she did not make this known to SIL or brother). She did ask them, however, not to announce the pregnancy at the brunch the following day.

Anyway I'm sure you can see where this is going. They announced it at the brunch. Everyone seemed a bit stunned by the announcement, there was no major fuss made.

Anyway, this happened ages ago, but since then she has done this again. She didn't attend my hen party and she took ill just after the ceremony at my wedding and left before dinner started. We had booked and paid for a room for them at the wedding venue so she could have gone for a lie down but instead she went home. There was a second day of celebrations at the wedding but she didn't attend that either.

We make it our business to attend all of their parties/events etc.

We never spoke about this. I just sort of pretended that it was normal because frankly I didn't know how to approach it, and I don't want to start a fight. I have a good relationship with my brother. I mentioned it to a few friends but they didn't really offer opinions on it.

AIBU to think that she is trying to get attention, or at least trying to disrespect my celebrations deliberately? This isn't normal, right?

[bunnytheegghunter]

Yes she sounds like she can't bare not to be the centre of attention. I have a sister in law who is somewhat the same! She will regularly try to spoil any family get together by having some drama or illness and has a face like a smacked arse whenever she does actually attend anything. The really weird thing is when it comes to the kids she's very kind and generous, always remembers their birthdays and always enquires about them and congratulates their achievements. I don't understand how there are such huge differences in how she behaves.

[frazzledasarock]

It is odd. And your SIL sounds like an attention seeking drama queen.

My SIL, tried to dictate what my DC should wear to my wedding, demanded a bridesmaid dress which was several hundred pounds more expensive than anything any of my other bridesmaids chose (I asked all SIL’s to be my bridesmaids to prevent offending anyone and paid for dresses which they chose themselves), told me she wanted Manolos to go with her dress (DH laughed when I told him), then she told me she was doing my wedding cake (I had a cake I wanted to order) then after I had ordered the cake stand to her specification she decided she was doing cupcakes, then changed her mind again then again and threw a hissy fit proclaiming how utterly stressed she was and would he taking an entire week off to make a dozen cupcakes 🙄. In the end DH ordered cupcakes and SIL went into a strop and wouldn’t speak to any of us for weeks leading to the wedding, where she was also meant to be doing a reading.

So you’re not the only one with a batshit SIL. My wedding was less than a year ago so I do still have very little patience with the crazy woman as it’s quite fresh for me and she made a stressful (covid wedding) even more stressful.

Commiserations your SIL is also a frutiloop

[LolaSmiles]

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
It doesn't matter what life event any of us think is bigger or trumps another. It's weird and attention seeking to attend someone else's event and deliberately aim to make it all about you.

Some people are like that though. As someone said here, if you go to Tenerife they have been to Elevenerife. They have to find a way to make everything about them and why their life must take centre stage.

[GlasgowMiss1991]

@greenfingerswouldbehandy to celebrate, not to announce.

I have to assume you're trolling because to think that someone genuinely finds it "dramatic" to have a family dinner and then brunch at a cousin's house with local aunts and uncles to celebrate an engagement is too sad.

[HeckyPeck]

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I think you all sound massively dramatic. You had a family dinner and a brunch to announce your engagement?

Sorry, but a pregnancy tops that in my book.

I don't think it is dramatic to go to a dinner and brunch your family arranged because they wanted to celebrate some nice news with you.

[Beseigedbykillersquirrels]

I agree with 2bazookas. I'd say things like, we're having a barbecue on Sunday. Shall we cater for you or are you going to be ill at the last minute/go home before lunch again?
I have no patience for spoilt, attention seeking children let alone adults.

[toocold54]

YANBU obviously.
I thought the sickness thing could be just a coincidence or that she gets anxiety but there’s no excuse to reveal your pregnancy on someone else’s day when she could have waited a day or 2 more. She would have gotten more attention too. Did she find out that she was pregnant on that day?

Good news is good news it’s not about what trumps what. You let that person have their day and then announce your pregnancy, engagement, new job etc a couple days later.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I think you all sound massively dramatic. You had a family dinner and a brunch to announce your engagement?

Sorry, but a pregnancy tops that in my book.

[2bazookas]

Next time you [plan an event, call her and say " I'm inviting you first before anyone else, so that you have plenty of time to plan new ways to disrupt it".

[HeckyPeck]

But as I said, I don't subscribe to the whole "It's my special day!" nonsense.

Personally I've loved sharing my friends and families various special days with them throughout the years and would never try to spoil or overshadow them.

Your SIL sounds very rude, particularly as she's never ill when it's her occasions. I would make less effort for her occasions and only attend if I wanted to catch up with other family etc.

Just say you're unwell if you don't fancy it. Maybe even, I think I had what you had at Nan's birthday or whatever. She can't exactly complain.

[KindChick]

I don’t think you are being mad or unreasonable. I have a friend exactly the same as this although not so difficult to handle as she’s not family. Every single day or night out (and I mean every single one) organised with our group of friends she will either be ill, something dramatic happens and she can’t go. What has to happen is all the attention goes on her, she’s persuaded to come along ‘see how you feel etc’ and sometimes she makes it and other times she doesn’t. One of our friends has the right approach she just says ‘ok sorry you can’t make it’ and ends the conversation politely and that’s it. The rest of exhaust ourselves trying to sort out said drama or support with illness. It’s purely attention seeking.

[KaleSlayer]

She does sound like an attention seeker but I’d just roll my eyes.
You had still got engaged regardless of how she acted. Just get on with your own life, you won’t change her.

[Mistlewoeandwhine]

My sister in law announced her pregnancy (first in our family) on the morning of my wedding day. 😡

[theleafandnotthetree]

@NoSquirrels

Oh, everyone has one of these in their extended family or friends, surely? Best ignored as far as possible. It is hard if they’re married to your sibling, but that was his choice ultimately, after all. Amuse yourself with ill health bingo - points scored for whether they need to not turn up/leave early/get fussed over or sent to lie down, whether their pain/illness/condition is more severe than anyone else’s, whether they’ve already tried every remedy suggested and do must just martyr themselves...

I agree, a sense of humour is the thing to get you through this. My late mother-in-law was a bit like this and I used to do a backwards count in my head when I met her to see how long it would take to get to her maladies 'And complaint coming in 5, 4, 3,2,1...'. I'd rarely make it to 3. As long as a sufficient number are agreed on how annoying it is and don't pander to it too much then it's manageable if you can see the funny (and also sad) side of it

[bigbaggyeyes]

My Mum was like this, every single event she'd be ill. I got married abroad and my parents came with us, she got an awful eye infection and was really poorly. I went to stay with them one Easter with my dc and I saw her for 10 mins during the week as she was in bed with tonsillitis. My Dad would go to most family dos, friends parties or works dos on his own as she'd always be struck down ill the day before.

The list goes on. But I genuinely think she got so stressed that she made herself ill.

Although she didn't try and steal anyone's thunder and would never dream of doing so

[Fuckitsstillraining]

I've a family member like that, she will make every event about here, if its a meal she needs particular food, if it's an event she can't trump she will get 'seriously' I'll, often resulting in a trip to hospital where nothing is found to be wrong, when she was younger if her sister in law bought a new outfit she would buy two the same but in different colours, she has ruined more family events than could be counted and recently carried on ridiculously at her long suffering partners funeral. Make the break from her as much as possible or she will be a thorn in your side forever.

[NoSquirrels]

Oh, everyone has one of these in their extended family or friends, surely? Best ignored as far as possible. It is hard if they’re married to your sibling, but that was his choice ultimately, after all. Amuse yourself with ill health bingo - points scored for whether they need to not turn up/leave early/get fussed over or sent to lie down, whether their pain/illness/condition is more severe than anyone else’s, whether they’ve already tried every remedy suggested and do must just martyr themselves...

[1forAll74]

It's probably best that she doesn't attend any functions, due to her jealousy, and wanting to be the star attraction. Its a pain knowing people like this, especially a family member.

[Campervanna]

Your sil sounds just like Megan Markle, after all she announced her pregnancy at Princess Beatrice’s wedding, if I remember correctly. She always has to be the centre of attention too!

[GlasgowMiss1991]

@killahangilion if she was like you and hated family occasions that would be fine. I am an introvert so I understand that. But she doesn't. She just hates ones that are not hers She invited 400 people to her wedding. Mine had 30. Trust me, I'm not the attention seeker here.

[MzHz]

Just stop!

Bollock your brother and tell him it’s unspeakably rude not to thank people for gifts, to pull sickies at the slightest whiff of someone else having something to celebrate

Stop buying gifts, stop inviting them to things, tell him why and fuck it. People like her keep doing this because people like you keep turning a blind eye.

[Killahangilion]

OP, I think you need to grow up and stop comparing every family occasion negatively with your SIL. It’s a very unhealthy obsession and so what if she doesn’t share your (made up) family values? It doesn’t make you superior to her or her inferior to you. Can you not accept that you don’t share the same perspective on things?

Your cultural norms are made up rules, just as stories in the Bible are made up. As an individual, you’re entitled to choose to believe them or not.

Personally, I have zero interest in weddings, my own and other peoples. I had a quick registry office session and no photos. The thought of attending family parties fills me with horror and if I can get out of attending them, I will do.

This does not make me a bad person!

It means I don’t share the same values about prioritising family activities as other family members might choose to.

[Mellonsprite]

@GlasgowMiss1991

Totally agree about my brother re the presents. They're both rubbish at that. I just meant that I would thank my MIL or SIL if they gave me or my child a present, especially when they are physically present as the gift is handed over.

She doesn't have any illnesses *@Mellonsprite* I have a lifelong illness that sometimes seems to set her off when someone mentions it, or asks how I am. Mad stuff.

Seems to me she’s just a drama Queen who would be best ignored then.
I only asked as sometimes I might say yes to an event, want to go, but have an unpredictable flare up nearer the time, but it’s not that in her case.

[mainsfed]

I wouldn’t be buying her birthday/Christmas presents in future! What a madam!

[GlasgowMiss1991]

Totally agree about my brother re the presents. They're both rubbish at that. I just meant that I would thank my MIL or SIL if they gave me or my child a present, especially when they are physically present as the gift is handed over.

She doesn't have any illnesses @Mellonsprite I have a lifelong illness that sometimes seems to set her off when someone mentions it, or asks how I am. Mad stuff.