Ex adopting step-child

[EWAB]

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

I wonder if it might help to see it as an outcome not a new thing. The suggestion of adoption probably only came about because your ex has already made a strong connection with the stepchild. Whether he adopts or not, the relationship is still there just like with partners who choose not to marry. The adoption would just be a piece of paper that formalises it. It's understandable that you have an emotional reaction to that, like you would to an ex re-marrying, but ultimately it's just paperwork catching up with reality.

Similarly with inheritance. I think your ex's will will recognise step child just the same, whether the adoption goes ahead or not. It won't change things as much as you think, because things have already changed more than you think IYSWIM.

Mixed feelings for your adult child are to be expected. If he's been a brilliant dad hopefully they can see it as part of him being a good person and father. If not, it is rather a kick in the teeth.

It makes sense for you to not like it because looking at it only caring about your child's interests, it isn't beneficial. But actually it's a reasonable thing for him to do and he did not need to discuss it with you.

Interesting you mention the inheritance because many on MN believe step parents should be leaving their inheritance equally to their step children regardless of whether they have adopted them.

The adoption is most likely just a solidification of a dynamic that is already in place between him and the SC, the "damage" is already done from your perspective.

@Ladylimpet

Op has stated that the potential inheritance is 100% an issue. Like I said, greedy fuckers. If I knew my family ever thought like this, I'd leave all my potential money to a donkey sanctuary.

I hope OP doesn't encourage her son to worry about his inheritance or that will damage the relationship

Not sure it would be relevant whether you thought of the child as his, but anyway

But that's exactly the point. It is relevant to OP what her child thinks of this and she's not wrong to be concerned about any impact on him.

Personally my main concern would be if my child were going to upset/hurt by it.

Again, I'm not saying he shouldn't do it or its not a nice thing to do.

But I'd be lying if I said my first thought wouldn't be concern for any possible impact this may have on our existing child.

OP has already suggested her son struggles with this.

in response to OP earlier, , I am not actually sure what ages the adopted sons were, I'd say 15 - 17, I was implying they were not small kids.
This was not in the UK

What I would think is that it had nothing to do with me.

@getsomehelp

FYI adults cannot be adopted. so your story is nonsense

For those questioning why its necessary, thats between the people involved, fine you don’t think its necessary, but they clearly do

There is a process involved here, a social worker will do an assessment, the needs of the child will be put first and as this child is older primary age, they will be asked for their views.

For people talking about this child as some sort of package deal or baggage that comes with the mum, shame on you

this is a real child being discussed, you have to make an active choice to do this and put yourself out to the scrutiny of social workers. It will not be something they are doing on a whim

[quote worriedatthemoment]@mainsfed why is it upsetting, other than money reasons?
The Op child is an adult not a child, also Op mentions having another child , so assume she is ok that her children will share inheritance etc
Ok they may be half siblings but still [/quote]
Putting myself in OP's DC shoes, I think I may feel like I wasn't good enough for my dad.

I'm not expecting any inheritance from parents but yes, I can see why OP's DC could feel short changed with having to share his inheritance with a step-sibling.

It's very easy to say how you should feel but very different to reality.

Honestly - Whilst you may be concerned or feel uneasy about, it really has little to do with you. In fact (and I expect some MN hatred here) ... It has little to do with your child either. Whilst the right thing for your ex to do is to inform and manage your childs feelings, it really is his choice and I presume has already given some thought into it because these things are not entered into lightly.

If your child has any misgivings about it purely based on inheritance issues, then he is a greedy little shit! Would your ex need your childs permission to have a bio child with a new wife?

@Scramblerr

This is such a nasty thread. Imagine genuinely hoping a child isn't adopted because you think it's more important that your child gets money that they didn't earn. Nasty nasty nasty. YABU (obviously)

OP is going to be concerned about her own child, whatever their age rather than a child she has no connection to whatsoever. Mums advocate for their children and while she hasn’t told her ex NOT to do this or expressed negativity to him then surely she’s allowed to express any misgivings on an anonymous forum?

@getsomehelp

Here's a story, guy with his own young adult son, separated from the mother gets together with OW (who is also a family member of exW) She is honestly the most evil, conniving, man eating specimen I have ever met. OW has 2 sons from a former marriage, (her H was killed in an accident.) They marry, new wife gets him to adopt her 2 young adult sons, She then ostracises H's bio son, including pursuading her H to give her own DS's plots of land. which they build on. the H goes down alcohol road & dies, she has now arranged for the properties (allocated to Bio son) to be given to her own sons. Original Bio son, has empty pockets.

Nice story bro.

You can’t adopt adults.

I think if DS had grown up with step-sibling it would be different. Expecting DS the adult to see this child as a full sibling at this late stage (which is what an adopted child is) is unfair.

@Aspiringmatriarch

Happy to ‘out and out’ say that I wouldn’t be considering any older primary school aged child (what’s that, 9/10 ish?) that my dad adopted when I was at university to be on equal footing with me as his child. In what sense? You may not have much of a relationship with them - age gap, separate lives - but that can equally be the case with much younger half siblings by blood. So presumably it's either the age of the child (who presumably has been part of the family for a long time prior), or it's because they aren't genetically your sibling. Legally they would be though. Adopting is different to having biological children (or indeed siblings as in this case), of course it is. There's more 'baggage'*, you don't have the inherited physical features etc. But are those things the measure of family? Not to me, if you feel differently then that's up to you but I could not disagree more.

*baggage - not meant in a derogatory way but there is always some form of trauma from the separation from birth parents and often other issues caused abuse or neglect.

In any sense, except ‘legally’, which I don’t see as a relevant concept to sibling relationships. Obviously the dad is at liberty to say ‘well it doesn’t matter what you think’ in which case my response would be ‘grand, if I’m surplus to requirements you’ll be happy for me to refuse to speak to any adoption agencies about it, and won’t be expecting me to engage in conversations with this kid where we both call you dad, nor will you be expecting me to refer to him as my brother or an uncle to my future kids in any conversation. Happy days.’

OP is going to be concerned about her own child, whatever their age rather than a child she has no connection to whatsoever.
Mums advocate for their children and while she hasn’t told her ex NOT to do this or expressed negativity to him then surely she’s allowed to express any misgivings on an anonymous forum?

I totally agree. I have no skin in this game (no step-siblings, sdc, inheritance hopes etc), but I can put myself in OP and her DC's shoes.

I think your views on adoption are horrible OP and you sound utterly selfish.

@mainsfed

I think if DS had grown up with step-sibling it would be different. Expecting DS the adult to see this child as a full sibling at this late stage (which is what an adopted child is) is unfair.

Is there a suggestion that he's expecting them to view each other as siblings? Or is this more to do with the relationship between him and his SC?

The #bekind brigade are coming out in force.

@mainsfed

The #bekind brigade are coming out in force.

By this I mean people who preach kindness and yet are nasty to OP.

Is there a suggestion that he's expecting them to view each other as siblings? Or is this more to do with the relationship between him and his SC?

I think expecting DC to be ok with this is effectively expecting him to see DSC as a sibling. The dad should get his DC's opinion (which may be what he is intending).

Did an AS because I genuinely can't fathom OP's position on this and thought there must be extra context.

Wasn't expecting hypocrisy. Bit rich to be annoyed your ex's step son might be treated the same as your son in a will when you said you were devastated on other threads that your younger son's grandparents didn't leave your older son (their step son) anything in the will as you felt it was terrible they didn't consider him as much a part of the family despite being nice to him when they were alive etc.

So basically you want your children to benefit financially whether they are someone else's biological or step son, but begrudge your ex adopting his step son and potentially leaving him money in his will? Wow.

Other threads you started are all about perceived unfairness - you not being invited to parties, your son not being invited to weddings, being jealous your neighbours have a pool, being sad about someone's engagement party because you didn't have one twenty years ago...

May I suggest you have a think about your priorities in life and appreciate the fact that this little boy won't be dismissed in the way you felt your son was?

@mainsfed

Is there a suggestion that he's expecting them to view each other as siblings? Or is this more to do with the relationship between him and his SC?

I think expecting DC to be ok with this is effectively expecting him to see DSC as a sibling. The dad should get his DC's opinion (which may be what he is intending).

And what if his DC is uncomfortable with it for some reason? His dad should not adopt the boy he sees as his son?

Hopefully his older son is a nice bloke who will be proud of his dad doing something to help his step son feel safe and secure and wanted, rather than being annoyed about inheritance.

So basically you want your children to benefit financially whether they are someone else's biological or step son, but begrudge your ex adopting his step son and potentially leaving him money in his will? Wow.

God, I love you Advanced Search. Don't ever change.

And what if his DC is uncomfortable with it for some reason? His dad should not adopt the boy he sees as his son?

It depends on other factors as well, but yes, DS's feelings about it should be important to his dad.

Hopefully his older son is a nice bloke who will be proud of his dad doing something to help his step son feel safe and secure and wanted, rather than being annoyed about inheritance.

But he's not, the DS is uncomfortable with the dynamic, and his feelings are valid too. It's not just about the inheritance. DS will have seen his dad move out and now sees another child get the benefit of his dad full time. That can be hurtful I imagine.

I think expecting DC to be ok with this is effectively expecting him to see DSC as a sibling. The dad should get his DC's opinion (which may be what he is intending).

But it doesn't inherently mean that, does it. It's something he MIGHT do, so if OP were saying "my ex has adopted his SC and is putting pressure on him to treat him like a brother" I would agree that he is being unreasonable, but we don't know that he will expect that.