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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
Porkee · 17/05/2021 09:34

I understand what MiddleParking is saying.

It's not about what legally is or isn't so. But emotionally, would I think of a primary aged child my Dad adopted when I was an adult as his child as much as I were? No I don't think I would. Perhaps that makes me horrid and cruel in some people's views but I can see why the adult child in this situation would feel that way.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 09:36

Apologies if I have missed it too but how old is OPs 'adult' son I wonder. I mean an 18 year old is technically an adult but a very different adult than someone in their 30s for example.

KaleSlayer · 17/05/2021 09:38

I’d only be concerned if I thought it was likely to upset my child. If they were upset then I’d just reassure my child that he doesn’t have to now treat this child as a sibling just because his dad wants to be their dad.

CornishGem1975 · 17/05/2021 09:40

Can't say I'd feel much about it, it's his life and nothing to do with me at all. I do however think it's a nice thing to do for the child.

worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 09:46

Even if he didn't adopt he could still leave half his money to steo child or all or all of it to the local dogs home
On MN it seems a given your parents must leave you all there money
If my mum and dad said they were selling up tomorrow and using all their money to travel the world , I would say enjoy as its nit a given right to expect their money
Your ex obviously cares for their step child and its a great thing to do

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 09:49

If an adult child of mine found out his (by all accounts according to OP lovely) dad was formally adopting his step son, I would expect him to think bloody hell I've got a lovely dad and I'm so pleased now that boy gets to feel wanted and secure too.

Not oh no my inheritance will be less.

Christ.

worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 09:50

Also its not all about your child , there is another child at play here
Yes that child is not your concern but it id obviously a child your ex cares about
Would you if consulted ex if you wanted another child?
If your adult child is upset by a child being given some security then I would wonder why

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 09:51

@NakedBanana

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt?

You genuinely can't see the benefits to the child being adopted? To cement him feeling safe, secure, wanted and to reassure him that the man in question sees himself as his dad forever? You really can't see that?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 09:53

@worriedatthemoment

If your adult child is upset by a child being given some security then I would wonder why

Exactly this. Hopefully OP is projecting / wrongly predicting her son's reaction. Because decent adults would think how lovely their dad was to want to formalise adoption of a child to make them feel safe, secure and loved. Not annoyed they might get less inheritance.

If my adult child reacted that way I would feel so disappointed in them.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 09:53

Saddened to see the attitudes towards adoption by many people on this thread.

I don't think is about adoption per se, I have adopted cousins and see them only as cousins, no different to other cousins.

It may not be reasonable but I can see why this would be upsetting.

How long have have they been together OP?

worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 09:55

@CombatBarbie but why should a child have legal right to money if a parent wants to leave it elsewhere like in your situation of a long lost mother ?

MintyMabel · 17/05/2021 09:56

He wants to provide stability for this child and even asked your opinion on it?

What a bastard.....

Ladylimpet · 17/05/2021 09:57

Money does strange things to people, even when it's not materialised yet. Grabby fuckers. Honestly, I can't fathom it.

getsomehelp · 17/05/2021 09:57

Here's a story, guy with his own young adult son, separated from the mother gets together with OW (who is also a family member of exW)
She is honestly the most evil, conniving, man eating specimen I have ever met.
OW has 2 sons from a former marriage, (her H was killed in an accident.)
They marry, new wife gets him to adopt her 2 young adult sons,
She then ostracises H's bio son, including pursuading her H to give her own DS's plots of land. which they build on.
the H goes down alcohol road & dies, she has now arranged for the properties (allocated to Bio son) to be given to her own sons.
Original Bio son, has empty pockets.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 09:57

@mainsfed

Saddened to see the attitudes towards adoption by many people on this thread.

I don't think is about adoption per se, I have adopted cousins and see them only as cousins, no different to other cousins.

It may not be reasonable but I can see why this would be upsetting.

How long have have they been together OP?

It may not be reasonable but I can see why this would be upsetting.

But why though
OP says he's been a great dad, so he didn't waltz of and start a new family ignoring his son with OP?

Other than inheritance, why would this be upsetting?

Or is it just about inheritance?

Aspiringmatriarch · 17/05/2021 09:58

Happy to ‘out and out’ say that I wouldn’t be considering any older primary school aged child (what’s that, 9/10 ish?) that my dad adopted when I was at university to be on equal footing with me as his child.
In what sense? You may not have much of a relationship with them - age gap, separate lives - but that can equally be the case with much younger half siblings by blood.
So presumably it's either the age of the child (who presumably has been part of the family for a long time prior), or it's because they aren't genetically your sibling. Legally they would be though.
Adopting is different to having biological children (or indeed siblings as in this case), of course it is. There's more 'baggage'*, you don't have the inherited physical features etc. But are those things the measure of family? Not to me, if you feel differently then that's up to you but I could not disagree more.

*baggage - not meant in a derogatory way but there is always some form of trauma from the separation from birth parents and often other issues caused abuse or neglect.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 09:58

@getsomehelp

Here's a story, guy with his own young adult son, separated from the mother gets together with OW (who is also a family member of exW) She is honestly the most evil, conniving, man eating specimen I have ever met. OW has 2 sons from a former marriage, (her H was killed in an accident.) They marry, new wife gets him to adopt her 2 young adult sons, She then ostracises H's bio son, including pursuading her H to give her own DS's plots of land. which they build on. the H goes down alcohol road & dies, she has now arranged for the properties (allocated to Bio son) to be given to her own sons. Original Bio son, has empty pockets.
How is that relevant at all?
worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 09:59

@mainsfed why is it upsetting, other than money reasons?
The Op child is an adult not a child, also Op mentions having another child , so assume she is ok that her children will share inheritance etc
Ok they may be half siblings but still

80sPadme · 17/05/2021 10:00

@ThatIsMyPotato

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt? why does anyone adopt?! It's not an easy process so it's not like he will be doing it for fun.
Maybe he want that child to have complete security and wants to be that child's father? I know not biologically but in stability, love and security?
worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 10:00

@getsomehelp not sure you can adopt an adult as per your story?
This scenario could happen even without adoption and also it not how the OP describes er ex h at all

worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 10:01

@80sPadme ahh but its not about that child , we can only think how the adults feel on this situation and what financial
Implications it will have.
The child does not need to be considered apparently

Ladylimpet · 17/05/2021 10:03

Op has stated that the potential inheritance is 100% an issue. Like I said, greedy fuckers. If I knew my family ever thought like this, I'd leave all my potential money to a donkey sanctuary.

Aspiringmatriarch · 17/05/2021 10:04

@Porkee

I understand what MiddleParking is saying.

It's not about what legally is or isn't so. But emotionally, would I think of a primary aged child my Dad adopted when I was an adult as his child as much as I were? No I don't think I would. Perhaps that makes me horrid and cruel in some people's views but I can see why the adult child in this situation would feel that way.

Because of the age, I guess? Not sure it would be relevant whether you thought of the child as his, but anyway.
sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/05/2021 10:04

@getsomehelp

Is this a male version of Cinderella?

Aspiringmatriarch · 17/05/2021 10:06

@Ladylimpet

Op has stated that the potential inheritance is 100% an issue. Like I said, greedy fuckers. If I knew my family ever thought like this, I'd leave all my potential money to a donkey sanctuary.
100% same!!