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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
NettleTea · 17/05/2021 08:35

perhaps they are planning another child, and they want both children of the family to be 'equal'. Thats why my dad formally adopted me. It also shows a commitment.
And I DO consider my dad, who has been in my life since I was 4 to be my 'real' dad, because he has been there and fulfilled the role of father to me and, even now as an old lady, I still consider him my father.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 08:36

YANBU, if the child was much younger it would probably be ok but adoption seems extreme here.

Could he be trying to compensate for leaving his own DC (i.e. your dc)?

ittakes2 · 17/05/2021 08:39

My b'n'law has been supporting his wife's son from another relationship since he was about 3. He has nothing to do with his biological dad and the son calls my b'n'law dad and they are very very close. His wants to adopt him because he wants to be his dad and then the little boy can also take his surname so he's not the only one in the family with a different name.
I agree with you that your ex needs to have a conversation with your child - but at the end of the day you said yourself he has been a good dad and he wants to create a family - why would anyone not want that for him? Even if he doesn't adopt this child he can choose to leave equal inheritance amounts to who he wants in his will.

tuttifuckinfruity · 17/05/2021 08:44

I agree, I would be upset. I would be upset in the same way as if my husband had another child if we were to split up.

However, in this instance, the child is already here and they already have a relationship. Whilst the idea of adoption would unsettle me, I guess it's not that big a jump and in reality, not much would actually change.

Regarding inheritance, yes it's nothing to do with you, but I would also be looking out for my child in this regard. Your ex sounds like a decent / reasonable guy so I would just discuss this with him.

In my opinion, you will just need to be gracious about this, and not let your child see that it's anything to be concerned about, because they will likely take their cue from you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 08:45

@starrynight21

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%

But if he and his partner had another biological child it would affect any inheritance too - I fail to see what the problem is with him adopting . Inheritance can be affected by many factors ( including the possibility of there being nothing left to inherit by the time your ex dies). Even if he didn't adopt this child he could include him / her in his will .

Absolutely this.

Saddened to see the attitudes towards adoption by many people on this thread.

Crossandcrochety · 17/05/2021 08:47

If inheritance is your main concern, OP, chances are that your ex is already planning to leave part of any inheritance to his stepchild. Especially if the family set up is close enough for him to be seriously considering adopting him. I haven’t adopted my DSC, but they will have an equal share of any inheritance, along with my own child.
You might feel uncomfortable about this, but this really isn’t your business. It’s about your ex and his family. Your son is old enough to approach this as an adult, and discuss this with his dad without your input.
Personally, I think it’s a wonderful thing for your ex to be doing.

ALevelhelp · 17/05/2021 08:49

I think this is one of those scenarios that unless you've been there, you don't really know for sure whether it would bother you or not.

I'd like to think it wouldn't bother me, or DS, I think it sounds like a good thing, but whether I'd feel like that if it actually happened, I'm not sure!

I certainly wouldn't be worried about inheritance, it's not a given and the child could be added to the Will anyway

OrangeRug · 17/05/2021 08:49

My ex's dad adopted his new stepdaughter (there was around a 15 year age gap as he married a much younger woman). My ex was basically pushed out in every way and when his dad died there was a apparently issues with inheritance although we'd broken up by this point so I'm uncertain of the details.

I'd hate this, both in your position and your son's.

vivainsomnia · 17/05/2021 08:53

This was my situation. My dad certainly didn’t ask my mum for her views (she wouldn’t have been affected, his life his choice), nor me.

It was never an issue for me. His decision. As for inheritance, that never came to my mind. It’s his money to dispose as he wishes, not funds I’m owed.

Sorry, don’t get why you are upset and what the difference is to him having more children with his new partner.

Aspiringmatriarch · 17/05/2021 08:55

Saddened to see the attitudes towards adoption by many people on this thread.

Yes, one of those things where no one would out- and-out say they don't put adoption on equal footing but given a specific scenario, suddenly it's a problem.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 08:57

Maybe they are planning to try for a baby and want everyone equal. Who knows. But if he already treats him like he is his son and the child wants to be adopted by him then there isn't much to affect your son other than formalising what should already be aparant to him. I suppose it might be a bit like when a parent has a baby with someone else but with the added benefit that your son has already had a chance to get use to him being in his life.

ravenmum · 17/05/2021 08:58

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.
It's not about formalising a sibling relationship, though, is it? It's about this child, whose dad seems to have scarpered and may not even be on the birth certificate, being formally shown that someone really, really wants to be his or her dad. Could make a big difference to his or her self-esteem.

How would I feel if my exh did the same thing? I might feel a mild pang of disappointment that my own children wouldn't have quite such a big inheritance, but would immediately give myself a good shake for being so greedy and remind myself that a) what my ex does is none of my business, just as what I do is none of his, and b) if this woman had not been a mum, they would probably have had a child together anyway, so the end result is the same.

SimonJT · 17/05/2021 09:02

@SunflowersAndLavender

It's a huge display of commitment to a child that deserves applause.

Yes it is, and yes I suppose it does. Except that unlike a childless couple adopting a child together, I have a strong suspicion that many children adopted in the circumstances the OP describes (especially if they are a bit older when the stepfather comes on the scene and there was no strong bond formed from babyhood) will still end up essentially fatherless if his relationship with the mother ever breaks down.

I don't think the same level of commitment is genuinely there when the circumstances change. Not in the same way that it would be when adoptive children are the only children, taken on by both parents together. There is a difference between a conscious decision to seek out a child to adopt, and taking one on as part of a package deal with the mother.

Your ‘suspicions’ are the complete opposite of actual statistics.
ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 09:05

@thehorsealreadybolted

Yes language used might be a trigger for some here but the result is the same. Any additional children will water down inheritance so it may be a bit harder to swallow when the child isn’t a blood relative.
You don't need shared DNA to be a family or inherit from someone.
SimonJT · 17/05/2021 09:09

@thehorsealreadybolted

Yes language used might be a trigger for some here but the result is the same. Any additional children will water down inheritance so it may be a bit harder to swallow when the child isn’t a blood relative.
Yes it may be harder to swallow for unpleasant people who are money grabbers.
SimonJT · 17/05/2021 09:10

@youvegottenminuteslynn There are often negative views about adoption on MN, if adoptive parents venture outside of the adoption topic they are often met with unpleasantness and people purposely ‘misunderstanding’.

PurpleRainDancer · 17/05/2021 09:10

@NakedBanana

I'd hate it OP, I can't tell you why, as I don't know!

Yes I'd be worried about inheritance, but as you say that has nothing to do with you. Also the long term, what if they split up? Would your child still have contact with with her new step sister.

My mind would be spinning too but it's your child he needs to be discussing it with.

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt?

Yeah complete mind fuck. But don't worry the mumsnet keyboard warriors will be along soon telling you what a terrible person you are!

‘complete mind fuck’

Give over Hmm

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 09:11

@Aspiringmatriarch

Saddened to see the attitudes towards adoption by many people on this thread.

Yes, one of those things where no one would out- and-out say they don't put adoption on equal footing but given a specific scenario, suddenly it's a problem.

Happy to ‘out and out’ say that I wouldn’t be considering any older primary school aged child (what’s that, 9/10 ish?) that my dad adopted when I was at university to be on equal footing with me as his child.
JollyJlly · 17/05/2021 09:13

I would 100% adopt my stepchild if ever the opportunity or need arose. They are treated like my child in the will. It’s not their fault their parents aren’t together. It’s your ex’s choice and it sounds like they are being an amazing step parent. Big age gap and I would hope they would discuss and do with own child’s blessing.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 09:15

Happy to ‘out and out’ say that I wouldn’t be considering any older primary school aged child (what’s that, 9/10 ish?) that my dad adopted when I was at university to be on equal footing with me as his child. that's on you then because they would be

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 09:18

@ThatIsMyPotato

Happy to ‘out and out’ say that I wouldn’t be considering any older primary school aged child (what’s that, 9/10 ish?) that my dad adopted when I was at university to be on equal footing with me as his child. that's on you then because they would be
Just saying so wouldn’t make it so, and if anyone tried to persuade me to think so or was upset that I wouldn’t it would be on them, not me.
ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 09:22

MiddleParking fair enough, it's your feelings. But legally they would be and to your dad they would be. Would you feel the same if they were related to you biologically?

Meowchickameowmeow · 17/05/2021 09:28

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.
Eh? Why should there be any advantage to your adult child? Surely this is about the other child and how having a stable family upbringing will benefit them.
Dullardmullard · 17/05/2021 09:30

It’s all about the money isn’t it, be honest.

Well he the ex might lose it all tomorrow and they’d be no money for anyone

plus what happens if he needs care later on as it does happen more frequently than you think. Old folks linger too as humans are living longer.

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 09:30

@ThatIsMyPotato

MiddleParking fair enough, it's your feelings. But legally they would be and to your dad they would be. Would you feel the same if they were related to you biologically?
Well no, because however I felt about my dad having another child, a biological half sibling would presumably have been presented to me as such when they were born, and I’d also have been a child at the time and would have spent ten years or whatever knowing them as a sibling and would know that they were one, which is an entirely different situation to the one presented here.
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