To really want to know where I went wrong with breastfeeding?

[sunglassesintherain]

I don’t know if anyone might be able to help me process and understand where I went wrong.

My baby was born at just over 40 weeks after a failed induction and emergency section. I lost consciousness after the operation and so I didn’t get skin to skin with him. OH gave him a bottle of formula milk.

He slept pretty much constantly for twelve hours and when I tried to breastfeed him he just kept losing his latch and getting increasingly frustrated. We persevered for the three days we were in hospital but when he was weighed when we went home he’d lost 12% of his birth weight. We were put on a feeding plan with formula expressed breast milk and trying to feed from the breast.

I saw an independent lactation consultant and he had a tongue tie snipped (she did say it was only a tiny one so not sure it would have made all that much difference) and had community midwives come out but no one would really help.

I expressed for him for nearly three months but I am just trying to work out where I went wrong. Was it not getting skin to skin when he was born?

OP you feel sad and that’s ok. I hope you make your peace with it

I'm just glad weobe in a time where baby formula is so readily available.

There's a while airy fairy brigade who are like "birth is natural, breast feeding is natural, your body knows what to do" ....

Clearly haven't read that birth was a leading cause of female mortality (and infant) until medical intervention, and lots of women used wet nurses, and if they couldn't or didn't, infant mortality from malnutrition was not uncommon either.

I forgot to say: IBCLC showed us how to do paces feeding with the bottle so baby didn’t develop bottle preference. I didn’t get any advice from the midwives on how to do that so again, private hands on support was the deciding factor.
It is so unfair.

You didn't go wrong OP.

I had an extremely long and traumatic birth with my eldest. I lost a lot of blood.

We did the skin to skin, I put her straight to the breast (once I'd been fixed up). My milk was delayed (common, where there has been high blood loss your body had to recover before it starts making milk). Even when it did come in, DD struggled to latch, couldn't feed. It was a nightmare. I had midwives and lactation consultants coming to my house every day for nearly a month and it still didn't work. I mix fed and expressed for six months.

Sometimes it just doesn't work. It's not your fault.

Ironically, after everyone warning me that BF was a nightmare after a CS, I had no problems BF my second who was born by ELCS. Milk in quickly, she fed like a champ right from the get go.

Sometimes it's not you, it's them!

I'd say it was just a case that he didn't get the hang of how to latch, especially once bottles were started. Possibly your breast was a bit engorged at the start, difficulties positioning him well after a CS, awkwardness with being in hospital etc. Quiet time at home for him and you to learn exclusive breastfeeding together would have helped. As long as there were plenty of wet nappies, keeping going without resorting to formula. It usually all falls into place. But your circumstances were not those, so you did absolutely the right thing.

You didn't go wrong. I expect there were lots of factors but I honestly do think it's easy for some and really difficult and impossible for others. I sometimes think too much emphasis is a put on how much weight babies lose, especially big babies. If you think about it in the womb they're constantly being fed and when they're born they're not and milk can sometimes take three days to come in so obviously babies will lose some weight. I feel like I was successful because of a number of lucky factors he was born naturally and labour was fairly easy, we had skin to skin immediately, he latched on within 30 mins of being born and my milk came in the next day. I really feel like it was luck.

Also, isn't it completely normal for babies to lose a significant amount of weight after birth? Milk doesn't actually come in until day 3 for a start. Colostrum is produced in fairly small quantities.

I just want to be prepared if and when I have another baby and try to do better.

My advice below is based on the statement above and in no way a suggestion that you 'failed' or did anything wrong with your son - you didn't and you did an amazing job expressing.

I've breastfed 2 kids, 1 vaginal and 1 c section, and I do have some breastfeeding peer support training, but I'm not an expert. I didn't have skin to skin after either birth.

Milk takes 3-5 days to "come in" but can take up to a week. Colostrum in those days is sufficient, they only need tiny amounts but frequently, every 90minutes or so. Breastfed babies fuss. They get frustrated, they bang their tiny little fists on your breast, they scream and thrash and throw their heads around. They get angry at your boobs and at times it feels like they think you are poisoning them. BUT THIS IS NORMAL.And good! And you've got to let them do it. All that behaviour triggers a response in you to make more milk. I often hear new mums say things like "he's not getting enough from me" or "he's clearly starving" etc and they give formula, and the behaviour stops, and this reinforces their belief that they aren't producing enough milk. But by understanding that the behaviour is necessary for you as mum to produce more milk it reduces the anxiety.

Stick baby on the breast every time they open their mouth. Literally. Newborns feeding cues are super subtle, thrusting of tongue, a yawn, a stretch, turning the head. All early feeding cues. By responding to the early feeding cues it reduces the risk of baby being too upset to latch properly.

You could consider prenatal expressing for colostrum, so if you can't feed straight after birth baby can be given colostrum. Also, consider cup feeding if you do give formula. There's lots of great YouTube videos on it.

If baby is sleepy. Wake them up- strip them off, tickle their feet. Make sure they actively feed for at least 10 minutes every 90 minutes. Once they regain birth weight you can stop that and let them set their own feed schedule, but no more than 3 hours between feeds until feeding is established (usually 6-12 weeks but can be longer).

Bad latches, tongue tie etc, are also issues but I won't go in to that now.

I had emergency c-section, no skin to skin and no milk. I was desperate to breastfeed but my milk just wouldn't come in. I pumped and pumped and pumped. Bruising my nipples in the process and managed a dribble. I stayed in hospital for a week in a desperate attempt to establish breastfeeding before I went home. There was no help. Promises of 4-hourly visits from midwife to supervise feeding never materialised. I went home devastated. I hadn't given birth to my baby and I couldn't feed my baby. I carried on pumping for that dribble of milk for six weeks. Baby happily fed on formula but I wanted her to have breast milk.

I had a woman come around to my house to help - she brought her baby with her and sat and breastfed it while I sat and cried! Absolutely no support whatsoever.

I went to a breastfeeding group where no one was allowed to touch you, and sat and cried while everyone else breastfed and my baby didn't.

I eventually had to stop pumping when my c-section infection (which I'd been trying to clear with antibiotics that it was ok to breastfeed on) had to be treated with antibiotics that weren't compatible with breastfeeding.

The whole experience was so upsetting and I understand exactly how you feel OP.

I finally realised that sometimes it just doesn't work. I tried everything but I had little to no milk, no support and a raging infection.

My baby happily chugged down formula and was a very contented, healthy baby.

The best advice I was given when I cried to my sister about my lack of breastfeeding was "don't cry, in 3 months time you won't give a shit how your baby was fed" It made me laugh through my tears. And in 3 months time I was ok with it. Sad. But ok. It wasn't my fault. And it's not yours either OP.

It’s not your fault in the slightest OP. It sounds like a few random bits of bad luck hit you one after the other, and you did your best in the circumstances. I know it seems like it matters enormously just now, and to you it matters because it’s your way of demonstrating your love for your little one, but really you haven’t failed or hindered them at all, so please do your best not to think like that.

Please don’t blame yourself. Sometimes breastfeeding just doesn’t work out, I tried and tried with DD1 for 2 weeks, she never latched properly, and I ended up with mastitis and in loads of pain and really ill. When my health visitor saw the state of me she helped me see that formula feeding was the way to go, we just couldn’t carry on like that. It was hugely affecting our bond. She is now a very healthy sporty, very rarely ill 17 yr old.
When I had DD twins they were prem, had no suck reflex, were fed with expressed milk via feeding tube. Breast feeding wasn’t an option. And this time I didn’t feel guilty about it. Similarly they are very healthy teens now,
Looking back, I still feel traumatised by the memory of breast feeding DD1, and resentful to the NCT etc who pushed it so hard they wouldn’t even talk about ff being an option and the right thing to do in some cases.

So so much of what your saying resonates with me. My little one would feed for 45 minutes in ever 2 hours, I resented not being able to put him down,I resented him waking up to feed. I remember one night I was struggling to get comfortable, get him to latch and feed while he was crying and I thought 'I hate you, I wish I hadn't had you, you've ruined my life' Yet I was still heartbroken when our journey ended because I had hoped against hope it would improve and we'd have this amazing feeding journey.

I think you need to be kind to yourself. You did everything you could to feed your child after a major surgery, when he wouldn't take the breast you expressed as much as you could for him. Instead of thinking of the negatives try to think of everything you DID do for him.

OP it's valid to feel sad and disappointed. My grandma was still talking at age 70-80 about how her baby (my uncle) was suddenly weaned off her breast when she needed to go to hospital urgently. It was quite an issue for her and she clearly did feel sad about it all her life! Some things are just sad because you can't go back in time and fix them.

I can see that your main reason for analysing what went 'wrong' is just in case you can do that differently with the next baby. It sounds like the difficult birth was a factor in baby getting off on the wrong foot and you couldn't have done much about that.

Your support people like the midwives did not sound very supportive. Maybe you could engage a private lactation consultant next time around who understands your feelings and fears and who you can trust to focus on helping you establish good BFing early on?

My first baby was very hard to BF. It did work out but it was never not painful for me, I would wince through feeds. It was always painful and uncomfortable despite good advice. My second was a very easy BFer with no pain at all. I don't know if it was mouth shape or some other reason, I do think sometimes it's luck and a combination of factors you can't always control.

My 3 year old dd I breastfed very successfully for 2.5 years.
It was very intense in the first 3 months cluster feeding, etc but I was proud.

I have a two week old son. I can honestly say I feel sad, my milk is in but I'm literally touched out. He's been so fussy. And yesterday and today he's had formula, slept well and been very calm. I think I have issues with foremilk and with a toddler I just cannot be bothered with all the hassle.

I can't actually believe that I've used/using formula as I was very pro BF/anti formula, but here I am!

Don't feel guilty, sometimes it doesn't work out and sometimes it actually isn't best!

Hi OP. I'm sorry you're struggling emotionally with your experience. While it's true that you haven't done anything wrong, I totally understand that your plan to breastfeed didn't work out and so, for you, it is important to understand which part of the process caused you to not succeed with the choices you had made. It's sy h an emotive subject.

It's not easy to pinpoint exactly the issue, without knowing you and your experience properly, but I can offer my opinion as to which aspects may have contributed.

Firstly, babies are so sleepy for the first few days after birth, expecially a traumatic one, and many experience difficulties in latch in this time. It is only once the milk comes in properly on day 3 or 4 that babies often 'wake up' enough to properly feed. C sections can delay the milk coming in sometimes. And increase the liklihood of greater weight loss than usual. It can take weeks to establish breastfeeding and it sounds like you just did not have the necessary support to continue. And of course, once you get into the pumping 'trap', it can be very difficult to depart from the security of knowing exactly how much milk is getting into your baby. And that is even IF your baby is starting to latch well too. On a practical note though, following a tongue tie, it is usually the case that babies do need between 2 and 4 weeks to learn how to use their tongue and for breastfeeding to establish. It's quite rare for women to notice a big improvement immediately following a TT revision. It sounds like you weren't advised of this.

It just sounds like you weren't given or able to access the proper support you would have needed....to work on your baby's latch over weeks, not days basically. And I echo what you and others have said, that having to pump so soon after your baby's birth, separates you from your baby at a time when physiologically, hormonally and emotionally, you need to be close to them.

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. How old is your baby? If it's important to you, is it worth looking into relactation?

@GhibliKhan

It may be 'normal' to lose weight in the first few days, but that doesn't mean it's good, does it? It's common to have injuries from childbirth - doesn't mean we shouldn't take steps to reduce or eliminate them.

Babies lose weight when they aren't getting enough food. Whether it's normal or not, there's still a very hungry baby. Feeding that baby whether by bottle or breast, formula or expressed is a very good idea, and not ever something anyone should feel regretful about, no matter how it's done.

Well it depends. My DC1s birth weight was artificially inflated due to all the fluids they pumped me full of- he was bloated and swollen so when he'd lost 11% of his birth weight on day 3 I wasn't really bothered, and neither were the medical professionals. He was feeding well, nappies wet, mouth wet. But I had to remind the health professionals I'd been pumped full of fluids, it's not something they routinely ask about.

3 months expressing - that's amazing. You baby was probably super tired and you confidence completely undermined with the weight loss. BF doesnt always work. We had babies die before formula. You did the best for you baby

You're an absolute legend for expressing for 3 months!

@GhibliKhan

It may be 'normal' to lose weight in the first few days, but that doesn't mean it's good, does it? It's common to have injuries from childbirth - doesn't mean we shouldn't take steps to reduce or eliminate them.

Babies lose weight when they aren't getting enough food. Whether it's normal or not, there's still a very hungry baby. Feeding that baby whether by bottle or breast, formula or expressed is a very good idea, and not ever something anyone should feel regretful about, no matter how it's done.

I don’t think this is right. Babies’ birth weights can be artificially inflated by things like IV fluids or excess amniotic fluid. And babies are born with reserves to allow for breastfeeding to get established. Weight loss within limits (usually under 10%) is not a cause for concern at all. It is not comparable to birth injuries, and it doesn’t mean the baby isn’t getting enough food.

Anecdotal obviously but my baby was born looking like the Michelin man, literally pumped up with fluid. The midwives could hardly believe her urine output - she literally pissed it all out in her first 24 hours. She’d lost 8% by day 3 but was and is absolutely fine.

YOU didn't fail... You didn't receive the support you needed. It's not your fault

@GhibliKhan

Your comment is misinformed and completely wrong.

Its more of a shock if babies don't lose weight in the first few days after birth. Bring earthside is such a huge shock and food is no longer piped in through the umbilical cord. Plus as others said things like IV fluids given during labour can cause babies to appear to lose a larger volume of weight than they actually have.

Sometimes there just really isn't any clear reason things didn't work out. There might be a reason, but there is no way to know, or it could be that nothing would have helped, or that it was a lot of little things.

@GhibliKhan

It may be 'normal' to lose weight in the first few days, but that doesn't mean it's good, does it? It's common to have injuries from childbirth - doesn't mean we shouldn't take steps to reduce or eliminate them.

Babies lose weight when they aren't getting enough food. Whether it's normal or not, there's still a very hungry baby. Feeding that baby whether by bottle or breast, formula or expressed is a very good idea, and not ever something anyone should feel regretful about, no matter how it's done.

What? Babies almost universally lose weight after birth, and there is nothing wrong with it. It's biologically normal for milk not to come in for several days at least.

GhibliKhan
It may be 'normal' to lose weight in the first few days, but that doesn't mean it's good, does it? It's common to have injuries from childbirth - doesn't mean we shouldn't take steps to reduce or eliminate them

Babies lose weight when they aren't getting enough food. Whether it's normal or not, there's still a very hungry baby. Feeding that baby whether by bottle or breast, formula or expressed is a very good idea

And this is the sort of misinformation that results in bf rates being so low.

By this logic you’d have to formula feed every baby and no one would ever bf, as it’s pretty much unheard of for a baby not to lose weight in the first few days, even bottle fed.

Perhaps we should ng tube every baby and force feed formula if it means they don’t lose weight?