Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

Musication · 16/05/2021 08:28

This is a horrible situation. I feel for your DSD but no I don't think she should stay with you. He is her dad, she has to go with him because you do not have parental responsibility for her. I would be very stressed in your shoes too and just because you've been in her life for a long time it does not mean you have to 'step up' while her dad swans off.

DarcyLewis · 16/05/2021 08:29

@PicaK

I'm with the girl here. And the other children. They're losing their dad but their sister will be forced to leave. What message does that give them? It sounds like you are rejecting her to hurt him You must be really hurt but yes I think you have to take her on. Hopefully you'll be rewarded with a rich relationship with her when she's got through the teenage stage

Why doesn't her dad have to take her on and be rewarded with a rich relationship?

Naunet · 16/05/2021 08:29

My god the misogyny of some posters.

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

And he’s been her actual father for 16 years! Tell me why you think it’s a woman’s job to take on unrelated children they have no legal rights over, so that fathers can go off and fuck their new girlfriends hassle free. Just woman’s work is it? Fuck that.

He’s her father, he has custody of her, and he needs to act like a parent. He’s a disgusting excuse for a dad.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/05/2021 08:29

It's amazing what men get away with ethically and practically isn't it?

This one is off with his new woman, does not want to take responsibility for his child and tries to guilt the OP into taking her. And then there is the question of the other three children.

Meanwhile, posters continue to guilt the OP because somehow even though the OP has not formally adopted the girl or even married her father it is her responsibility to care for her. This is despite the fact she actually has no formal responsibility and no parental rights. The girl treats her home like a hotel and apparently OP has to wear this.

Apparently, it is up to the OP to parent this girl and likely also finance her as well as her own three DC.

No, no, and no. The father needs to take care of his child and if that means finding a place with her and not living the life of Riley with his new GF then so be it.

He actually has responsibility for four children. The OP should be asking how he will set himself up in a place with room for him, his DD and the 3 children the OP has with him and that he is the father of when they visit - because that's his job as a father. Plus, he needs to figure out how he will pay for all of his four children, not just his DD.

Yes, it is a shame for the DD - but in real terms, she is better off with her father and she needs to grow up and step up - even if it does mean that he won't get his wick wet with his new GF anymore - and my guess is that if she leaves the scene he'll be whining to the OP to take him back.

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 08:31

No, no, and no. The father needs to take care of his child and if that means finding a place with her and not living the life of Riley with his new GF then so be it.

It's not even been said that he isn't finding a place suitable, OP said herself that he would take DSD with him if she WANTED to go.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/05/2021 08:32

Yes, it is a shame for the DD - but in real terms, she is better off with her father and she needs to grow up and step up

That should read HE needs to grow up and step up.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 08:33

Can you imagine a woman posting on here to say she’d been having an affair and is now planning to leave for the OM, and would it be ok if she left her kids with her ex boyfriend seeing as he’s known them for 10 years?!!

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 08:35

@Naunet

Has it even been confirmed that it was an affair? Lots of posters assuming this is the case but I don't think OP has confirmed it was an affair, just that they've separated but still live together & now he has a girlfriend.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/05/2021 08:37

It's not even been said that he isn't finding a place suitable, OP said herself that he would take DSD with him if she WANTED to go

Exactly - and that is why I put 'if' in my sentence.

The OP said,

If she wanted to go with him he would let her. But he thinks it's unfair for me to kick her out of her home!!

To which I say , "Oh Please". This is so 'it's not my responsibility - see she does not want to go' - he's wheedling out of it instead of saying "My relationship has broken up, realistically I am the Father, I need to take responsibility for my child(ren) and how can I best do this, in light of the fact that the child that is mine and not the OP's should come with me".

Hiding behind "she does not want to go" is just a cop-out.

Cloverleaf20 · 16/05/2021 08:37

Poor girl, imagine feeling this unwanted . He’s an arse to put you and her in this position .

Blankscreen · 16/05/2021 08:38

That's what I don't understand, why does living with her dad mean leaving her siblings.

The dad needs to make a home for all is children and ensure that they are not just visitors at his new house that he shares with his girlfriend

I think the ex's behaviour speaks volumes about what he anticipates his life will be going forward. He will dip in and out of being a dad as and when it suits him.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 16/05/2021 08:38

Tell him she’s his responsibility and he needs to take her to his new girlfriend’s house with him. She’s his daughter, not yours so of course he needs to take her with him. What a tosspot.

NailsNeedDoing · 16/05/2021 08:40

Your step daughter was part of the package that you took on when you formed a relationship with her father. Parenting her was part of the deal, but if her father has broken his side of the deal, then you are no longer obliged to parent his child.

It’s incredibly sad for her, but you and your three children have been treated awfully, and you need to prioritise yourselves so that you can heal and make peace with the situation. That will be much harder to do if you’re simultaneously trying to parent someone else’s teenager.

Lovemusic33 · 16/05/2021 08:41

I would let her stay tbh but I’m a softy. I would have my ex’s dd stay if she needed too (though she’s now 22).

I do think he’s being a cheeky fucker to expect you to look after her but I can see it from her point of view, she has grown up with your other children and probably doesn’t want to live with her dad as his new gf.

Could you not lay down some rules/conditions? Tell her that you will need help with things around the house and she needs step up and act her age? She is only 16 I think your BU to say ‘she doesn’t work’, my 17 year old dd is pretty lazy, doesn’t have a job as she’s got a lot of school work.

I feel sorry for his dd, she must be feeling very unwanted

fairisledog · 16/05/2021 08:41

Does DSD know he's planning on moving in with his GF and leaving her behind ?

wildseas · 16/05/2021 08:41

It is clearly his responsibility in every way and not yours.

But I think that in this situation I would try to keep her if I could. She is 16, vulnerable, and there is something about his behavior and his plans which is making her feel that she is safer with you.

Can you use the situation to negotiate for a reasonable maintenance agreement for all 4 children and an access schedule for all 4 that gives you some real down time?

Beamur · 16/05/2021 08:42

Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for your DSD she is not your responsibility. I'd ensure that the relationship with the siblings is maintained and maybe she should be coming to visit and maybe sleepover on a regular basis if you are happy with that and ekids like it.
But first and foremost, DSD is her Dad's child and 100% his responsibility. If this was the other way round and it was a Mum proposing to leave her oldest child behind so she could move in with a boyfriend she would be horribly judged!

thecatsabsentcojones · 16/05/2021 08:42

I feel so sorry for this girl. She’s had ten years in the house along with three siblings, and now it’s obvious that she’s the odd one out of the family with neither parent wanting her. As a child you really want unconditional love, and because she’s behaving like an arse that love isn’t there.

Totally get that from your side of things it shouldn’t be your responsibility and that she’s a pain, but it’s not just about her genetically belonging to her father, it’s belonging to a family. It’s a really difficult situation but she’s the worst one off, it’s the kind of thing that messes someone up. Poor kid.

fruitloop2021 · 16/05/2021 08:43

YANBU. You aren't together anymore, there's no reason why she should live with you. Not to mention the extra costs of having her stay etc.
I'd just refuse and possibly look at moving out also.

Todaytomorrowyesterday · 16/05/2021 08:46

What a mess.
4 children - 1 the eldest is only a half sibling and currently not wanted by her father and can’t stay in the family home with her other siblings because her step mum doesn’t want her either.

16 year olds are difficult they are not adults and can not process in the same way as an adult does - so you can’t just assume they think like you do - it’s why 16 year olds make daft choices!!

Yes the father should step in and probably home his daughter but I can see the 16 year old point of view. Already rejected by her mother as drugs was more important. Now being rejected by her father as his new girlfriend is more important. Rejected by the step mother as she isn’t her biological daughter- regardless of the fact she has been in her life for 10 years and is the mother of her siblings.

Yes the 16 year old needs to improve her behaviour but right now to her she feels rejected, scared and very unloved - she’s will spiral and worryingly may seek alcohol and drugs as a way to escape the shit show the adults created :(

KarmaNoMore · 16/05/2021 08:52

Bloody hell, what a difficult position to be in. Correct me if I am wrong:

if op moved out with her 3 children, that 4 bedroom house wouldn’t be assigned to her ex, ow and an almost adult child. It would go to someone else.
people can only be expected to take on another person’s child they have no parental responsibility for if they want to. This girl is not helping her own case at all as she has no rights to stay there. Honestly, I would happily take in my ex/partner’s child if none of their parents were available but taking kids in when they behave badly, while struggling as a single mother of 3 other kids at the same time so he can go on and set up with the OW without the “inconvenience” of a child? Bollocks to that, he is the parent, the welfare and homing of his child is his responsibility and only his, he cannot simply expect the OP to become the de facto parent of a difficult child because he doesn’t feel like that anymore. Responsible parents put their children first. He is not doing that.

I also find it interesting people saying that the OP have “othered” the girl. Go and have a look at the step parenting threads and you will find that more often than not, it is the step kids who do not want to see themselves as equal members of the new family, they want their own set of rights, rules and benefits that go above what the other kids get or are permitted to do. They normally get this special treatment to the detriment of the other kids. Op, if there is a day people should be reminding you that “you are the step mum not her mum” is this.

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 08:52

@fairisledog

Does DSD know he's planning on moving in with his GF and leaving her behind ?

Yes I presume so as she had told her dad that she wants to stay in what she considers the 'family home'

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 08:53

there's no reason why she should live with you

Even though the child has stated she wishes to stay? This is what I find sad about this thread.

Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan · 16/05/2021 08:55

I would let her stay and enforce strict ground rules.
Not as a favour to your ex, but as a favour to the child you've helped raise. To stop the poor girl going off the rails because she feels unwanted.
You've been a parent figure for the last ten years, I'm sure in her eyes, your her mum. It's not all about blood. Don't give up on the child because her father is an arsehole.

RandomMess · 16/05/2021 08:55

It's perfectly reasonable for your state that you will not parent her on your own and she needs to be with him her father for at least 50%.

Is the tenancy in your sole name or is it joint?

Wondering if you can apply to exchange and downsize?

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 39 40

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.