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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Naunet · 16/05/2021 08:57

Even though the child has stated she wishes to stay? This is what I find sad about this thread

Yes it’s sad, but it’s not the job of women to take on unrelated children, to parent them, financially support them etc, especially when they don’t want to! He’s her father for god sake. Men walk out and don’t see their own kids, and the women are told ‘well, you can’t force him to be a parent’, yet here people are trying to force an UNRELATED women to take on someone else’s child.

EverythingRuined · 16/05/2021 08:57

I'd let her stay. Her behaviour might improve when the Dad moves out.

HelloOldSport · 16/05/2021 08:58

Yes it’s sad, but it’s not the job of women to take on unrelated children, to parent them, financially support them etc, especially when they don’t want to! He’s her father for god sake. Men walk out and don’t see their own kids, and the women are told ‘well, you can’t force him to be a parent’, yet here people are trying to force an UNRELATED women to take on someone else’s child

This. Know your place, women.

KarmaNoMore · 16/05/2021 08:58

Rejected by the step mother as she isn’t her biological daughter- regardless of the fact she has been in her life for 10 years and is the mother of her siblings.

So she is rejected by the parents and the step parent but is the step parent who needs to give in and accommodate her?

It is a sad position but this step mum has 3 children to raise and support on her own. She is no position to take another one who is likely to become more unruly once the real parent permanently moves out.

Dad has only one child he is responsible for, why are people making up the OP is the bad person here?

Countrygirl2021 · 16/05/2021 08:59

I certainly wouldn't have the heart to kick out a child I had parented since the age of 6, making it clear that her half siblings could stay but she couldn't. I'm sorry but that's shitty.

Equally, whenever he has his other children he should have her.

He seems a delight though, 4 kids by different woman and not living with any of them.

MsTSwift · 16/05/2021 09:00

Hope this father is paying for all his progeny and is not planning on having any more children seeing how keen he is to absolve his responsibility onto others🙄. Outrageous

HelloOldSport · 16/05/2021 09:00

making it clear that her half siblings could stay

Well that's not surprising considering they actually are the OP's biological children Hmm

DancesWithTortoises · 16/05/2021 09:01

I suspect the new girlfriend has said she doesn't want to play happy families.

Stand firm. OP, ignore the loons who think possession of a womb means you should keep her.

HelloOldSport · 16/05/2021 09:01

@DancesWithTortoises

I suspect the new girlfriend has said she doesn't want to play happy families.

Stand firm. OP, ignore the loons who think possession of a womb means you should keep her.

Grin
BumbleFlump · 16/05/2021 09:03

What a shit dad?! Poor girl....I can’t believe how some men think they can carry on as they please and to hell with everyone else.

Mumoblue · 16/05/2021 09:03

It is a sad situation but that doesn’t mean it’s OPs responsibility to continue parenting her ex’s child because he’d rather swan off with his girlfriend.

I would put your foot down. You’re not married, you don’t have legal responsibility for this child, he does.
I’ve got a stepdad myself who I’m closer with than my actual dad and I still wouldn’t expect him to put me up if he and my mum had broken up when I was that age because he simply isn’t responsible for my mother’s kids.

Countrygirl2021 · 16/05/2021 09:03

I also hope you realise her poor behaviour is likely an attachment response to a difficult early start in life and then more chaos in her life. Poor poor girl, 3 parent figures in her life and none of them could do their best for her.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 16/05/2021 09:04

What a complete mess... poor DSD Sad.

I would hope that in your shoes I would let her stay. Not because I think you have any moral responsibility to do this, but because it will probably be best for DSD. And the challenging phase doesn't last forever. But... and this is a big but...it would be subject to two conditions for your ex and house rules for DSD. Firstly, that ex organises parental responsibility for you. Secondly, that he gives you a large sum of money outright to go towards DSD's expenses (you can't trust fuckers like this to pay as they go). He should also agree to pay ongoing maintenance for her, in addition to what you're entitled to for your three. I'd have a chat with DSD and make it clear that staying means agreeing to respect your home and act like a decent human being. Her behaviour may improve when ex is out of the house and it's just you, her and the other children.

If he just ups and leaves without DSD, report him to the police/ss for child abandonment.

HelloOldSport · 16/05/2021 09:06

@Countrygirl2021

I also hope you realise her poor behaviour is likely an attachment response to a difficult early start in life and then more chaos in her life. Poor poor girl, 3 parent figures in her life and none of them could do their best for her.
Oh, and she continues the ridiculous pile on!
SpilltheTea · 16/05/2021 09:08

It's his daughter, he needs to step up. I'm sure social services would have something to say about him abandoning his daughter for a midlife crisis.

Sloth66 · 16/05/2021 09:09

Disgusting behaviour from your ex, who seems happy to move on without a care, leaving 4 DC with you whilst he swans off to a new life.

I think social services should be involved, as this poor girl has been rejected by her biological parent.

KarmaNoMore · 16/05/2021 09:09

What is really insulting about this thread is how many women are happy to assume that parenting is an option for men but an obligation for women even if they are not the actual parent.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 16/05/2021 09:11

Side note but why are you paying bedroom tax when there’s six of you in a four bedroom house?

toolazytothinkofausername · 16/05/2021 09:11

If she is nasty to your 3 DC, then she has to go. You have to safeguard your DC. Create a happy home without ex and DSD.

Anotheruser02 · 16/05/2021 09:11

@GawiNulim

So he can fuck off and shack up with his new gf and expect his ex to care for and house his daughter? 😂😂😂 What planet is he on? No.
This
Branleuse · 16/05/2021 09:13

such an awkward situation. I think she should have his dd, but would be nice if you maintained access, and let her know shes welcome to come and stay nights. I think its really harsh when stepparents reject the kids once the relationship with the their parent breaks down. I definitely think its worth maintaining the relationship, mainly because its such a crucial time in her life. Obviously youre not obliged to, but I still carried on seeing my stepdad when my mum and him split up, and i know my dad kept seeing my brother for quite a few years despite him not being his own.
Your DSD might be lazy and grumpy, but doesnt sound anything abnormal, even if it is tiring. I agree that its a pisstake for him to expect her to live with you while he gets to start all afresh, but I think you should find a compromise about her coming to stay sometimes, and of course he will have to take the other kids some weekends too, so you should get more time completely childfree, than when you were all together

Treemama · 16/05/2021 09:14

His daughter not Op's daughter, his responsibility. He should take her with him and start paying child maintenance for OP's children.

Grapewrath · 16/05/2021 09:16

Her behaviour will be attachment based, most certainly which means she needs effective therapeutic parenting. This is difficult and draining and will be hard on the OP and the OPs other children too. Also, it is not OPs responsibility!
This child’s father needs to give her what he needs and prioritise making a home for his daughter over his gf. Dsd very well may not want to leave but essentially at 16 she doesn’t get to choose.

zigazigAH1 · 16/05/2021 09:16

YANBU, not even in the slightest.

No, he doesn't get to swan off with a new girlfriend leaving you to raise and fund 4 dependents. It's hard enough that (it appears) you'll be raising your bio 3 full time single handedly.

I think it's quite telling that he appears to assume your 3 will be staying with you FT anyway.

Tell the lazy bastard he needs to factor all of the children into his new living arrangements. You want to split the care of your shared children fairly and his DSD will be going with him FT.

The misogyny is rife on this thread.

andweallsingalong · 16/05/2021 09:17

I would be sitting him down when she's out of the house and saying I need you to take her with you and if you do then I'm happy to give you a break and have her visit for 1 full weekend per month and an evening visit every week (or whatever you're happy with) so long as you drop / pick up. If he still says he is leaving her with you I would very calmly say are you sure? OK, are you ringing children's services to tell them you're abandoning your child and they need to step in or shall I?

How long until he moves out?

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