To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

If she grew up living in that house with you as her step mum, I'd feel cruel just abandoning her at this time. It's only while ex finds somewhere suitable

@AhaShakeHeartbreak12

If she grew up living in that house with you as her step mum, I'd feel cruel just abandoning her at this time. It's only while ex finds somewhere suitable

Stop making stuff up.

@FlipFlapFlop1980

I'd explain to the girl that she can't live with you as you have no legal rights over her. Only her Dad has parental.responsibility because you and her Dad aren't married.

Tell him that if he can't take her then you'll speak to SS about finding her a foster family/own place.

I'd do this

Poor you OP and poor DSD. What an awful situation.

My dss (17) lives with us full time and he is driving me mad at the moment Teenagers are really tricky

Is your ex not planning on the younger 3 ever staying over? He need suitable housing for that hopefully living with he dad doesn't mean that she has to be cut off from her siblings

What is the financial arrangement going to be?

Its really tricky as I can see two very different sides of the same coin.

I would maybe say that there will be a 3 month transition window whereby dsd stays with her dad a few nights a week (with or without the other siblings) so that she then has 2 homes and at the end she moves to live with him and to start off come back and stays with you ever other weekend - you have been her 'mum': for a long time . You tell your ex if this doesn't happen you are calling social services with a view to arranging foster care. Dsd doesn't need to know this!
In the meantime dsd is read the riot act by her dad and told what is isn't acceptable behaviour and told in no uncertain terms that if she doesn't behave she is living with him full time.

@AnneLovesGilbert Read the OP again

@AhaShakeHeartbreak12 is right

The dad hasn't even moved out yet and OP doesn't actually know where he's going to live.

[quote SkedaddIe]@AnneLovesGilbert Read the OP again

@AhaShakeHeartbreak12 is right

The dad hasn't even moved out yet and OP doesn't actually know where he's going to live. [/quote]
But he is saying that when he does move out, he is going to leave his step daughter with the OP.

OP, you're not being unreasonable. He cannot leave you to pick up the pieces of his life he leaves behind. Can you imagine if the rolls were reversed.

Youre not her parent, you don't have parental responsibility for her. She should absolutely be with her Dad.

[quote SkedaddIe]@AnneLovesGilbert Read the OP again

@AhaShakeHeartbreak12 is right

The dad hasn't even moved out yet and OP doesn't actually know where he's going to live. [/quote]
He's going to find another place, probably with his girlfriend. He needs to rent/buy/whatever a place with a bedroom for his daughter. However he says she wants to stay there as it's her home. At what point has any of this been indicated to be temporary?

Jeez.... two adults who have parented a traumatized child for over 10 years are arguing as both of them want to give up on her, because each of them wants a new life with their new family (OP with her biological children, her ex with his girlfriend) even though the traumatised child was there first, and because she has typical behaviour for a child her age.

The pair of you disgust me. You both need to give your heads a wobble and come to an arrangement that meets this child's needs. This shouldn't be about what the adults want but about what the child needs.

Btw, the issue of parental responsibility is very easily sorted with a step parent parental responsibility agreement or special guardianship order.

Wow. The bar for men is very low, isn’t it? I can’t believe some of the posts on here, talking about the OP “abandoning” the 16 year old, or saying OP should “step up” as she’s been in the girl’s life for years etc. This girl has a parent, a biological parent, with whom she can live. But OP is expected to take her on single-handed, presumably because the actual parent has a penis? The OP has NO obligation, either legally OR morally, because all obligation lies with this girl’s father. Any trace of feminism seems to fly out of the window on MN as soon as a step-mother ventures an opinion. OP, don’t listen to the posters here who would have you make yourself unhappy just so your ex can shirk any responsibility.

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

That was my thought. You’re effective the only mum she has had.

I really feel for your DSD here, as someone who had a step parent in my life for 9 years and then when the relationship broke down, didn't ever see them again. I was around the same age at the time. If I could have chosen, I'd have lived with them and not my actual parent. It's an awful feeling that does stay with you. Instead I left home at 16 and went my own way.

However, it is not your responsibility to house this poor girl and it sounds like she's acting out /taking advantage of the fact you aren't her parent. What's her dad doing about these behaviours/how she's treating you?

Tread carefully but do what you need to do for yourself and your own DC. Would they prefer their sister to stay?

Foster care extremely unlikely at aged 16. More likely to have social work involvement and pressure on you and your ex to resolve this situation. This would open up assessment of the whole family, contacting relatives etc to see who could support. What are your ex's plans for all his children, including the younger ones? What is the plan for contact and maintenance? How big is the property he is moving into? How will the girlfriend respond to social work contact if you cannot resolve this as a family? I have sympathy for everyone in this situation but most of it is reserved for a child who has been rejected by her mother ( I'm guessing that is how it will feel to her) and is testing out teenage behaviours with her other parents only to find out they don't want her either . Poor child. You really need a plan and she needs to know she is loved despite her behaviours

oh dear, poor child. I'm assuming she wants to stay with her siblings and in her home.

I think you should try to facilitate this by the way. Just because your ex is a cunt doesn't mean you have to abandon her too.

fwiw I have a 16 yo dd too. (She is my natural child) and she sounds just like yours. constantly pushing the barriers, with friends, curfews, drink etc. She can be rude to me and her younger siblings. So unpleasant. But she's also lovely , and insecure, and anxious about friends, school work and her looks.

And while you might argue that she's not yours, you owe her nothing, and she's your exes responsibility, I kind of think you do owe her, and your children (her siblings) to stick with her. Throwing her out at this age will have a huge awful effect on her. Stick with her.

OP, don’t listen to the posters here who would have you make yourself unhappy just so your ex can shirk any responsibility

Completely agree.

There is only one person here who needs to ‘step up’ and it’s not the OP!

What did your DH say when you told him he needed to take his daughter with him? Or were you so shocked you didn’t say it?

There are two sides to this quite clearly, however I do think you are being unreasonable. She has lived at your home since she was very young and if you weren't some sort of mother figure to her in all of that time then who on earth are you to her? It is very cold to just completely wash your hands of her after all of these years just because her father has decided to swan off (not her fault). The poor girl has probably picked up on her step siblings being treated more favourably to her by you and hence that's why she is not the nicest to them. In her mind you are probably all she has as a mother figure and she is probably so let down by all of this and is likely lashing out at step siblings as she is jealous. I feel so sad for her, no mother, unwanted by her stepmother and don't get me started on her father.

It sounds to me like his daughter is happy at your house as it’s close to her friends and she gets to do what she pleases (red wine at 16!!). You need to take a deep breath and say it’s not happening. Wherever he chooses to live next with his girlfriend it needs to accommodate his daughter as well.

@Queenofsnacks

There are two sides to this quite clearly, however I do think you are being unreasonable. She has lived at your home since she was very young and if you weren't some sort of mother figure to her in all of that time then who on earth are you to her? It is very cold to just completely wash your hands of her after all of these years just because her father has decided to swan off (not her fault). The poor girl has probably picked up on her step siblings being treated more favourably to her by you and hence that's why she is not the nicest to them. In her mind you are probably all she has as a mother figure and she is probably so let down by all of this and is likely lashing out at step siblings as she is jealous. I feel so sad for her, no mother, unwanted by her stepmother and don't get me started on her father.

She has a mother, OP has said that her mother is on drugs somewhere, but hasn’t said she has died. She’s still out there. She is 16 now, an age where she can legally get married. She has a biological father who is capable of parenting her, he just doesn’t want to. It is not OPs responsibility in any shape or form, the father needs to pop his dick back in his pants and parent his daughter.

@minniemomo

I see it both ways, I think a frank discussion with her is in order, if she wants to stay with you she needs to change

No, her dad needs to have the frank discussion and tell her she’s living with him.

I think OP says EX would have DSD but thinks she would be happier staying where she is but DSD does not want to move out - rather than the father is refusing to have her.

@PinkFlamingoo

I agree that the DSD should live with her dad. The trouble is that you don't own your home the council does.

So yes YABU

Unfortunately it's your home but it isn't your house and you don't decide who lives in it. (You decide if YOU live in it). Social services and most councils are overstretched so I bet they will drag their feet until she's 18 and then wash their hands of it.

SS should get involved because of DSDs drug addict mum and her underage drinking, but I wouldn't count on it because DSD and your DC are probably not in immediate danger.

You're already paying bedroom tax on a 4 bedroom house with 4 children. So I'm assuming you have additional rooms (reception/dining rooms etc) and some of your children are young enough to be classed as sharers. If council do get involved there's a risk that the council will try to use this situation to force you out of your home and into more 'suitable' smaller housing. 4 bed council houses are gold dust!!! They could even put you in a 2 bed (you share with one dc, the other 2 share with each other).

You'll be screwed long term if that happens because you'll struggle to get out of the smaller place when your 3 kids get too big to share or when you meet someone new. Councils do nothing these days for overcrowding in homes.

The million dollar question is, is the dad a joint tenant on the house? If he is then you're probably doubly screwed because he won't agree to make his own daughter homeless and she doesn't want to leave. And if she's still there at 18 he might even add her to the tenancy so you'll be stuck with her unless you leave.

@DeathStare

Jeez.... two adults who have parented a traumatized child for over 10 years are arguing as both of them want to give up on her, because each of them wants a new life with their new family (OP with her biological children, her ex with his girlfriend) even though the traumatised child was there first, and because she has typical behaviour for a child her age.

The pair of you disgust me. You both need to give your heads a wobble and come to an arrangement that meets this child's needs. This shouldn't be about what the adults want but about what the child needs.

Btw, the issue of parental responsibility is very easily sorted with a step parent parental responsibility agreement or special guardianship order.

Why would she do this now that their relationship is over? it wasn't done or instigated during the 10 years they were together. It is very telling that the OP is being guilted into looking after a child that isn't hers but the ex isn't expected to look after his own child.

While I think it's disgusting that they are arguing about who should have the child, I'm disgusted with the father. Why does he get to skip off child free? I'm assuming that he won't be having the children 50/50 (what mn thinks is standard but certainly isn't among most men).

In any case the child needs her father to step up, this is not one where the OP should put her wants/needs second. She will not be able to parent the DSD adequately at this point (as evidenced in her posts) and even teens need boundaries to feel safe. The only way she would be able to put boundaries in would be to use kicking her out as a threat which would be emotionally abusive.

I'm with the girl here. And the other children. They're losing their dad but their sister will be forced to leave. What message does that give them?
It sounds like you are rejecting her to hurt him
You must be really hurt but yes I think you have to take her on. Hopefully you'll be rewarded with a rich relationship with her when she's got through the teenage stage

What a shit show.
Does she know that you’re splitting?

I suppose DSD feels it's her home and has a life with her siblings. It's safe and secure for her, comfortable, and what she knows.

When your ex sees his children, how often will this be, and will the be going to his new place and staying overnight? If all of them go for half the week, then you will get a break to be on your own for a few days.

If he is unwilling to allow any of his children to adjust by delaying moving in with a new partner, then this creates the problem. He could live with you and all the kids, but not be together as a couple, for under two years, until your DSD is 18, and more resilient and able to go to uni or be stronger to find a place to live with friends .

DSD is still a child. What if the new relationship doesn't work out for your ex and the home is unhappy? Is that good for her? If his gf doesn't want DSD there, then what will she be like when all the kids go there for half the week?. Is he moving in with his gf because it's the only affordable solution for him to move on?

I think you should make sure that custody is shared 50/50 for all the kids because you may need that space to adjust to new circumstances - financial ones especially.

I would say you love your DSD and she knows you as her mum from a young age. She has been patented by you, so has some idea of being tidy, even though a typical teenager, no doubt. I think she should live with you and her siblings until she's 18. I don't think her siblings will be pleased to see her desperately unhappy and a this will affect them as well as her, if she does suffer.