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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Melitza · 16/05/2021 06:50

Whilst you're in the right here op I think your poor dsd will suffer the most if forced to leave.
I think you need a proper discussion with ex and dsd and expectations of future living arrangements and behaviour from every one need to be aired.
Then you have the final say as its your home for you and 3 dc.

SarahBellam · 16/05/2021 06:52

She literally has a father who has a legal and moral responsibility for her. This is emphatically NOT the OP’s problem. If this was a woman running off with an OM and leaving her biological DD with her ex she’d receive a torrent of abuse on here and rightly so. We have to stop giving shitty men a free pass. It is NOT the OP’s job to ‘step up’. She already has 3 children to take care of and she’s a single parent now. She does NOT have a ‘moral duty’ to do anything. Yes, I feel sorry for the 16yo but that’s because she has a dickhead for a father. He needs to ‘step up’ BECAUSE he has a legal and moral duty.

mainsfed · 16/05/2021 06:53

OP, he is perfectly capable of looking after his own child, he has been since she was 3. Don’t give in to this.

Is the council house in your name? Do not give it up.

He needs to move out in 2 bed at least and make a home for his dd.

Longdistance · 16/05/2021 06:54

I can clearly see why he’s your ex.
I hope he’s wearing his wellies with the new ow.
He needs to take dsd with him. I’m assuming she’s college age 16, not school age with her drinking red wine. Your ex is on another planet.

Leonardsgirl · 16/05/2021 06:54

Poor kid. So sad that none of the adults in her life want her and she isn't wanted in the place she sees as home, with her siblings. This is just awful.

Quincie · 16/05/2021 06:55

Can you contact the housing association or perhaps citizens Rights bureau and say if you split is there a house available - perhaps you have to say one is chucking the other out. That's the main thing imv - would you/ he and DD. be housed.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2021 06:56

Op what do you mean leave her with you?

You all live together. Are you saying he is moving out and leaving his daughter living in the current home? Or are you saying he’s off out for the night? It’s really not clear?

DancesWithTortoises · 16/05/2021 06:58

His responsibility. Tell him you are finding somewhere for you and your kids, so he has to deal with it. DSD does herself no favours by her attitude, let the new gf enjoy her for a while.

mogtheexcellent · 16/05/2021 06:58

What about her other relatives? It's clear she can't stay with you and going with her feckless dad isn't going to be good but maybe an aunt or grandparents? It's a shame but she needs stability.

riotlady · 16/05/2021 07:05

@Bluntness100

Op what do you mean leave her with you?

You all live together. Are you saying he is moving out and leaving his daughter living in the current home? Or are you saying he’s off out for the night? It’s really not clear?

It’s pretty clear, they’re splitting up and he wants to move out and leave his daughter behind.
Dingleydel · 16/05/2021 07:10

I don’t know the answer but I feel so sorry for that poor kid. None of the adults in her life want her. No wonder she’s off the rails a bit.

Milliepossum · 16/05/2021 07:11

OP can she stay with other family members like grandparents?

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 07:16

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do

You tell him this simply isn’t happening. I would be wanting him to move out ASAP and to take his daughter with him. What’s the delay in him going?

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 07:19

From the OP's replies it doesn't sound like he's refused to take his DD but it's a case of she wants to stay in the family home.

I feel very sorry for her in this situation tbh.

If she's wanting to stay with her siblings in your home is there no way she can?

LizzieBananas · 16/05/2021 07:22

Quite a telling question: If he wasn’t leaving, if instead he was hit by a bus tomorrow would you keep her and look after her or is she someone else’s problem ?

devastating · 16/05/2021 07:22

@covetingthepreciousthings

From the OP's replies it doesn't sound like he's refused to take his DD but it's a case of she wants to stay in the family home.

I feel very sorry for her in this situation tbh.

If she's wanting to stay with her siblings in your home is there no way she can?

This
Quillboard · 16/05/2021 07:23

YANBU!

Appalling ‘father’.

Will social services help?

Crazydoglady1980 · 16/05/2021 07:24

I think there’s a number of issues here

  • the court order may state that it stands until she is 18 and there for she has to reside with her Dad until then. If he leaves her in your care, this will go against the order
  • If the court order doesn’t state this, at 16 DSD can make choices about where she lives, but this doesn’t trump OPs wish for her to leave
  • DSD needs to understand that the choices she makes now impacts on decisions in the future. Behaviour, such as with the red wine, leads to decisions being made
  • OP needs to separate her anger towards ‘D’P &OW and DSD.
Hallyup6 · 16/05/2021 07:25

Poor, poor girl. I understand she's not your child and she's a bit if a handful, but she's also lived with you for ten years and has a home with you and her siblings. If your own children grew up to be a bit of a pain at 16, would you be kicking them out to live with their dad? I'm guessing not. When you took on this man, you took on his child and after ten years you'd be an absolute dick to disown her. Sure, her dad's a dick too and needs to sort himself out with a proper home for him and his daughter, but she's your children's sibling and will be picking up on all the animosity between you. No wonder she's being difficult. Show the girl some compassion.

Grapewrath · 16/05/2021 07:27

I’d speak to social services if you don’t want DD there. She is 16, still a minor and her Dad is effectively abandoning her.
Of course she needs to live with her Dad, he’s ridiculous to think otherwise

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 16/05/2021 07:27

@saraclara well jolly good for you having 'model' teenagers' meanwhile in the real world the majority of 16 years old do behave like this.

ILoveYou3000 · 16/05/2021 07:30

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

He's been her dad for 16 years, when is it time for him to step up?

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 07:30

If she wanted to go with him he would let her. But he thinks it's unfair for me to kick her out of her home!!

Is everyone whose saying he's abandoning her by leaving her there missing the parts where OP has stated if she wanted to go with him he would take her?

I'm not saying he's not a shit father, but a 16yo is capable of speaking her mind, if she has told him that she wants to stay with OP, then I can see why he's reluctant to take her when she's already been through a shit situation with her mother when a toddler if she's saying she wants to stay in what she considers her 'family home' with siblings she's been brought up around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2021 07:35

Inevitable lack of concern for OP’s children in these replies. Their dad is moving out and swanning off with the OW and their half sister is horrible to them, trashes the house they currently all live in and people want them to continue putting up with this when they’ve got their own stuff going on and an exhausted wrung out mum who’s trying to wrangle an angry teen she has no way of disciplining.

But up till now they’ve both their parents living together so I suppose they don’t deserve consideration Hmm

OP’s responsibility is to her children and smoothing this transition as their dad fucks off and takes his older child with him.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 07:35

To all those saying the OP should just poke up with it, how does she parent someone like this who doesn’t listen to her?

she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants

YANBU, OP. If she was a delight to live with, then things would be slightly different perhaps, but she will have to go with her dad.

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