Page 34 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 16/05/2021 22:18

I think you should call social services. She sounds a nightmare. A social worker could help find where she can live except with you.

Honeyroar · 16/05/2021 22:20

Sounds like you need to dump the whole lot of children on him to care for and swan off somewhere until he’s found somewhere else to live.

PrtScn · 16/05/2021 22:22

If the OP was married to ex and the dsd called her mum, despite the aforementioned challenging teenage behaviour I think it would be different. However op has no parental responsibility, dsd seems to not see her as a mother (calls her by her name) and presumably if the ex is a prick and she has to go through CMS, will she even get anything for DSD?
Nope, ex needs to take her.

Dora33 · 16/05/2021 22:27

You have done your best and have been treated badly by your exh. He has also enabled his daughter to treat you and your children badly.
He has been very selfish, to continue living in the family home for which you pay all the bills while he gets to go out spending money on dates with his Gf.
Set a date by which he & his daughter need to move out by. You can then concentrate on your and your children's well-being.

aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2021 22:34

I hate this crap where people think that step children don't count once a relationship break downs

It's absolutely crazy that you think showing someone counts means adopting them when their parent is still around and capable. That's an absolutely nuts bar.

Porkee · 16/05/2021 22:36

@AnneLovesGilbert

Inevitable lack of concern for OP’s children in these replies. Their dad is moving out and swanning off with the OW and their half sister is horrible to them, trashes the house they currently all live in and people want them to continue putting up with this when they’ve got their own stuff going on and an exhausted wrung out mum who’s trying to wrangle an angry teen she has no way of disciplining.

But up till now they’ve both their parents living together so I suppose they don’t deserve consideration

OP’s responsibility is to her children and smoothing this transition as their dad fucks off and takes his older child with him.

👏👏👏👏

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Your DC need to be your priority here. You (and I) can feel sorry for your DSD but it's too much to expect you to become her sole carer alongside your own DC when you have absolutely no legal responsibility for her.

And all this talk of kicking out of the family home as if no one has ever moved house before. She's not being chucked out to fend for herself, she's moving with her Dad.

Disabrie22 · 16/05/2021 22:40

I would tell him you will contact the school if he abandons his daughter - he might not like the loss of face.

Treemama · 16/05/2021 22:52

@Disabrie22

I would tell him you will contact the school if he abandons his daughter - he might not like the loss of face.

She's not studying anymore.

Porkee · 16/05/2021 22:54

I've had the "you can't tell me what to do your not my mum" card thrown at me quite a few times

You're right DSD, I'm not, which is precisely why you cannot live here when your Dad leaves.

suzy2b · 16/05/2021 22:57

If you look on your housing they will properly have a page on exchanges there will be lots of people looking for a 4 bed you could exchange with a 3 bed then there would be no room for her

Cailleach1 · 16/05/2021 23:04

She'd be moving to be with her father. Her sole parent with parental responsibility. If she told her father that she didn't want to move in with his new gf, it is up to him to prioritise his daughter for the last two years he is responsible for her. I find it odd that his solution to that is simply to try to farm her care out to someone who is not her parent, or even related. Rather than to tell her that she is moving along with him, her father.

IloveJKRowling · 16/05/2021 23:23

Even though you don't have parental responsibility a safe, stable place to live is the most important thing for her.

But if she's there the other 3 DC and the OP don't have a 'safe, stable place to live'.

It's not all about the DSD, and I don't think it's in her best interests to stay. She is abusive to the OP and enabled in this by the ex, who takes DSDs side and they use the lack of parental responsibility against OP. This has already happened.

OP you HAVE to put a line in the sand. It is NOT the kind thing to do to keep DSD there - not for your own children or yourself. Not even for her, as it enables her father to dump her for his new gf and she'll see that eventually.

Rejoiningperson · 17/05/2021 01:04

@AbsentmindedWoman you are still blaming the OP when there is no evidence at all that she didn’t try or she didn’t care. Indeed the DSD may have had the most stable part of her life living with the OP and other children in a family atmosphere. What kind of life would she have had living just with her Dad in that time? You say the the child ‘slipped through the net’ and that ‘no one cared about her’ - the net was her Dads - he was the only one ‘allowed’ to parent her as he undermined the OP whenever she tried.

I have a child and he had a step father for a while. His step father is in no way responsible for the care and parenting of my child, I am and so is his father.

Rejoiningperson · 17/05/2021 01:06

Even though you don't have parental responsibility a safe, stable place to live is the most important thing for her. A safe stable place is also critical for the OPs children, and they won’t get that if DSD stays.

caringcarer · 17/05/2021 01:51

If you were to agree she could stay provided she followed your house rules would her Dad make sure you had plenty of cash to bring her up? Teens are so expensive. I think it would be cruel to separate her from her half siblings though. I would give her a chance but I would sit her down and go through house rules and make her sign up to them.

BlueVelvetStars · 17/05/2021 01:52

@caringcarer

If you were to agree she could stay provided she followed your house rules would her Dad make sure you had plenty of cash to bring her up? Teens are so expensive. I think it would be cruel to separate her from her half siblings though. I would give her a chance but I would sit her down and go through house rules and make her sign up to them.

No chance

Nammamua · 17/05/2021 01:55

I mean this kindly OP.

Based on your post your ex is deluded. He has parental responsibility for DSS and is effectively seeking to re-assign this to you by leaving his under age daughter in your care.

He cannot do so without a court order and your express agreement. I’m afraid you need to ring Social Services urgently, explain the situation and ask them to resolve matters with DSD and her father.

This does not mean you’re heartless or cutting DSD loose, it simply recognises the legal necessities of the situation.

Nammamua · 17/05/2021 01:56

Sorry DSD

caringcarer · 17/05/2021 02:05

I had a foster son of 14 almost 15. He came to me at 5. He is often very difficult due to the baggage he came with and his birth family constantly no letting him down on planned contact. I get an allowance to care for him which will stop when he is 18. He will have a home with us for as long as he wants to be with us. Somewhere along the way he stole our hearts. I feel so sad for your dsd. She will know she is not loved or wanted. I take in kids like her and honestly their self esteem is often on the floor.

BlueVelvetStars · 17/05/2021 02:12

@caringcarer

I had a foster son of 14 almost 15. He came to me at 5. He is often very difficult due to the baggage he came with and his birth family constantly no letting him down on planned contact. I get an allowance to care for him which will stop when he is 18. He will have a home with us for as long as he wants to be with us. Somewhere along the way he stole our hearts. I feel so sad for your dsd. She will know she is not loved or wanted. I take in kids like her and honestly their self esteem is often on the floor.

Not the same circumstances at all .. and very manipulative of you to suggest OP just accept this.

You signed up to be a Foster Carer and earn a wage from this work.

Very different to OP's situ.

BadNomad · 17/05/2021 02:33

@caringcarer

I had a foster son of 14 almost 15. He came to me at 5. He is often very difficult due to the baggage he came with and his birth family constantly no letting him down on planned contact. I get an allowance to care for him which will stop when he is 18. He will have a home with us for as long as he wants to be with us. Somewhere along the way he stole our hearts. I feel so sad for your dsd. She will know she is not loved or wanted. I take in kids like her and honestly their self esteem is often on the floor.

Add 3 more young kids to your household and take away all money. Would you chose to take on a 4th to bully them?

Justilou1 · 17/05/2021 07:04

@caringcarer - and I am sure you are compensated financially for this and your medal’s in the mail and the Daily Mail frequently run articles about your goodness.
This is NOT the same thing at all. Read the OP’s comments about her ex’s reliability. He has pissed off before and refused to pay CM for HIS kid left behind in OP’s care while he was off getting his dick wet. (Sorry, but this competitive parenting is getting on my nerves!!!)
The DSD is already exhibiting signs of delinquent behaviour that I honestly wouldn’t want around my kids - especially if I had no legal recourse to deal with any of it. When her darling daddy is gone, it’s only going to get worse, not better. These behaviours will be exhausting physically and emotionally exhausting and the OP is going to have her hands full raising her other kids to be decent humans while being affected by an inconsistent and disinterested father figure. This is going to affect the OP’s quality of life and that of her kids - PLUS this is an extra mouth to feed.

Justilou1 · 17/05/2021 07:08

@PinkFlamingoo I second @Nammamua’s suggestion that you involve Social Services. You have to get them to enforce parental responsibility. At 16 she does not have the right to chose to force herself into a family unit that she doesn’t belong to - especially under her own conditions (coming and going as she pleases, ignoring rules, refusing to clean, etc.) You are not her staff member. You should not be made to feel guilty about this either. It is her father that has made this decision, not you.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/05/2021 07:17

Another one saying contact SS.

Your ex clearly won’t do anything unless pushed. Get SS to push him. You and your dc deserve that

nanbread · 17/05/2021 07:51

I think it would be cruel to separate her from her half siblings though.

The siblings that she shouts at and doesn't seem to give a shit about?

Why?

Certainly doesn't sound like it would be cruel to them.

Remember these kids will be traumatised too, their dad moving out then back in again then back out and probably not giving them much thought or attention, the breakdown of their parents' relationship, a stressed mum, and living with a much older sibling giving them grief and creating drama for starters.