Page 33 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

Tamara125 · 16/05/2021 21:15

I haven't read the full thread (couldn't keep up...)

I have 3 DSC - one being 16, nearly 17. Myself and partner are splitting after 5years.

There would be no way I could have them here without their Dad, it isn't fair at all, you do not have the same boundary that he may have, and she will take advantage of situ.

The only reason my eldest DSC would stay is because they know where their bread is buttered. Maybe don't make her life so easy? Maybe pull her up on her behaviour if she is being rude? Ask her to do jobs around the home now he is going, she needs to pull her weight. I imagine she will soon wish to live somewhere with less responsibility.

Sending you a hug, this isn't easy xx

Workingfromhomeishell · 16/05/2021 21:15

@greenlynx

Tbh people are so naive telling OP to sit down with DSD and set up some ground rules! OP is obviously far beyond this stage in her relationship with DSD. Yes, it’s sad but not that OP doesn’t want DSD to stay, it’s sad that her own dad doesn’t care about her. OP has 3 children under 16 to look after and clearly her life is not perfect and stable. The question should be whom OP should contact about this situation to get some practical help for DSD.

OP, I would contact social services tomorrow to notify them about child in need, preferably when no one could hear you so you could be open and truthful. I wouldn’t talk to your ex or DSD today just to save time and your mental health.
Someone said that it could turn out for the best for DSD as she would be able to get some support, it’s really good point. It’s better to do this now, further down the line DSD will be an adult in charge of her own life and won’t be entitled for any extras.

This is great advice. Be strong OP. I hope life gets easier soon.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 21:16

I hate this crap where people think that step children don't count once a relationship break downs.

People move on with their lives and have boundaries. They also have priorities that aren’t their former stepchildren.
I still keep in touch with my former stepchild who is now 15. They sometimes come for tea and we see them on special occasions. I don’t owe anything more than that basic kindness and friendliness.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/05/2021 21:20

OP - you haven’t said exactly what your stepdaughter said to you - or indeed, if she’s said anything to you, or whether it’s all come second hand from your ex. If she has said ‘I want to stay here with you/my stepmother’ (depending on who she was talking to), that’s one thing. If it was a somewhat vaguer ‘I don’t want to leave here’, that’s slightly different. She just doesn’t want things to change. Indeed, if she’s actually told her dad, ‘If you leave, I’m not coming with you’, couldn’t that just be a bit of teenage emotional blackmail - an attempt to make him change his mind and not leave? He’s already left this woman once, and you’ve already taken him back once; it’s hardly beyond the realms of possibility that she thinks it might happen again. Is she genuinely asking to live with you - or does she think (wrongly, as it’s turned out) that her dad would never leave without her?

If she does genuinely want to stay with you, why? Is it that she doesn’t want to be separated from her half-siblings? (I know you said she’s nasty to them, but is it genuinely malicious, or just typical teenage embarrassment at younger siblings daring to exist because they’re ‘like, soooo embarrassing’?) Because I might feel more sympathy in that case. However, is she simply thinking she can get away with murder by staying with you, because she can always declare ‘You can’t tell me what to do - you’re not my mum’? And if you ever suggest she goes to live with her dad, she can get the violins out about how her mum didn’t want her, her dad didn’t want her and now you don’t want her?

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2021 21:20

Ah, bloody hell, OP - you really do just need a clean break.

You can’t have her stay. She’s not at school, she’s got no structure and no job and her father’s not going to pay for her.

I feel for her, and for you, but you have to say no this time. No. You cannot house her.

Work on getting him out and getting your household sorted.

24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 16/05/2021 21:22

He wants to play happy families with his new GF and dump you and the 4 kids off? Ha i don’t think so.

YANBU. She is his responsibility not yours.

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2021 21:23

And if her father won’t have her, then her grandmother is still an option for her. I know you say she’s got health issues etc but she’s the girl’s family, and she’s 16, it’s not like looking after her is a physical issue. She just needs to live somewhere that’s not your house for 2 years until she’s an adult.

Her father needs to step up. If he won’t another member of her family needs to. Not you.

CassandraTrotter · 16/05/2021 21:25

OP, ignore the people who are adamant women must always be responsible for men’s shittyness.

Tomorrow morning, phone the council and say he is moving out on x date and needs taking off the tenancy.
Then phone cms and start a claim. Because you KNOW he won't pay.
You say to him, after careful consideration stepdaughter staying in your home doesn't work for you and she will be leaving with him. On repeat. Nothing more. No more explanation as he doesn't give a shit.
Maybe phone your GP and ask for a referral for parenting classes, as you said you know your dc will be bad.

Workingfromhomeishell · 16/05/2021 21:34

@CassandraTrotter

OP, ignore the people who are adamant women must always be responsible for men’s shittyness.

Tomorrow morning, phone the council and say he is moving out on x date and needs taking off the tenancy.
Then phone cms and start a claim. Because you KNOW he won't pay.
You say to him, after careful consideration stepdaughter staying in your home doesn't work for you and she will be leaving with him. On repeat. Nothing more. No more explanation as he doesn't give a shit.
Maybe phone your GP and ask for a referral for parenting classes, as you said you know your dc will be bad.

More fantastic advice. Do this OP.

SkodaKodiaq · 16/05/2021 21:34

@MadMadMadamMim

I would simply repeat When you move out you take your daughter with you. He's insane to think otherwise. I'd not engage in any other discussion. Her home is with her father, not his ex gf.

You are not unreasonable to not want the emotional and financial pressures of a teenager who isn't yours dumping on you. He's a prick to think otherwise. Tell him if he can't look after his own child he'll have to contact Social Services. But you're not picking up his slack.

I'm not sure it's anything to do with social services as she's 16? I was living alone at 16 and had no social care involvement.

DishingOutDone · 16/05/2021 21:37

Was that a good experience @SkodaKodiaq? Something you’d want for your own children?

AlmostSummer21 · 16/05/2021 21:43

@FelicityBeedle

I’m not saying he isn’t being an arsehole, but the lass needs a good home and moving in with his new lass won’t help her.

She's going with her Dad, her actual DAD. It's not the OP's responsibility to put raise his child while he swans off with someone else! She's already being left with their joint children to bring up! I think she's got enough on her plate without a difficult teenager. HE needs to step up and actually ostent the poor kid.

Original poster

PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 21:43

@StillCoughingandLaughing

OP - you haven’t said exactly what your stepdaughter said to you - or indeed, if she’s said anything to you, or whether it’s all come second hand from your ex. If she has said ‘I want to stay here with you/my stepmother’ (depending on who she was talking to), that’s one thing. If it was a somewhat vaguer ‘I don’t want to leave here’, that’s slightly different. She just doesn’t want things to change. Indeed, if she’s actually told her dad, ‘If you leave, I’m not coming with you’, couldn’t that just be a bit of teenage emotional blackmail - an attempt to make him change his mind and not leave? He’s already left this woman once, and you’ve already taken him back once; it’s hardly beyond the realms of possibility that she thinks it might happen again. Is she genuinely asking to live with you - or does she think (wrongly, as it’s turned out) that her dad would never leave without her?

If she does genuinely want to stay with you, why? Is it that she doesn’t want to be separated from her half-siblings? (I know you said she’s nasty to them, but is it genuinely malicious, or just typical teenage embarrassment at younger siblings daring to exist because they’re ‘like, soooo embarrassing’?) Because I might feel more sympathy in that case. However, is she simply thinking she can get away with murder by staying with you, because she can always declare ‘You can’t tell me what to do - you’re not my mum’? And if you ever suggest she goes to live with her dad, she can get the violins out about how her mum didn’t want her, her dad didn’t want her and now you don’t want her?

She has said that she doesn't want to live with his new gf. But to be fair any relationship he has she's going to be around! But he does need to put her first and his gf second! I don't get the impression she cares much for her half siblings. She's always shouting at them, I've called her up on her trying to discipline them! I've had the "you can't tell me what to do your not my mum" card thrown at me quite a few times.

OP posts:

silverbubbles · 16/05/2021 21:50

You are good to be rid of him. What a twat of a man.

Just let him know that he is leaving so ofcourse she goes to.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 21:51

I don't get the impression she cares much for her half siblings. She's always shouting at them, I've called her up on her trying to discipline them!
I've had the "you can't tell me what to do your not my mum" card thrown at me quite a few times.

She really really can’t live with you. Your children don’t deserve it. You’ve said yourself that she doesn’t think much of them. They only get one childhood.

AbsentmindedWoman · 16/05/2021 21:51

OP, ignore the people who are adamant women must always be responsible for men’s shittyness.

This is ridiculous.

Of course women aren't responsible for men's shittiness. There is no doubt that the father is a shitehawk trying to evade his responsibilities towards his children.

However, the OP set up home with a man who had a 6 year old, and she thought it was a good idea to have more kids with him. Sadly to me it doesn't read to me that the now 16 year old was ever really a proper part of the family - like I said, more an afterthought.

I just don't believe that this man was ever father of the year. As if. I'm sure he was always a bit shit and yes, OP just went along with that because it suited her well enough at the time. This 16 year old has been drifting with zero parental input for a while, this isn't out of the blue. Dropped out of school, no direction, taking smokes off the OP who goes along with it to keep the peace...give me a break. It is clear as day that nobody has been parenting this kid for the last few years.

So no, it's not that it is OP's responsibility (it bloody isn't, and yes she needs to protect her own kids and put them first, and nope she's not obliged to row in and rescue the stepdaughter) but what is sad is that this 16 year old has basically slipped through the net and none of the adults in her life have really given a fuck until now - but now she's a problem, because she needs somewhere to go. It's just sad for this kid.

Notaroadrunner · 16/05/2021 21:53

So you've got to the point where the majority of posters agree that she has to move with her dad. It's now up to you to tell him one last time that you are not in a position to have her stay with you. If either of them have a go at you, remind them of how it didn't work last time and say no more.

Opal71 · 16/05/2021 21:53

Reading through these posts it seems that you and dsd have been put in a really difficult position by your ex who can't seem to prioritise anyone else before himself. Your dsd has had a lot of traumatic experiences that will have affected her emotionally and the parts of her brain that manage executive functioning. It might help you to understand why she behave the way that she does and perhaps to see it slightly differently. I don't think she's just being a teenager, although that's always there too!

If you can find away of letting her stay I suspect the stability and actually being wanted somewhere would be really valuable. Don't expect gratitude though! It must be very hard for her to sense that she's not really welcome anywhere.

Even though you don't have parental responsibility a safe, stable place to live is the most important thing for her.

CassandraTrotter · 16/05/2021 21:54

None of that means a damn thing @AbsentmindedWoman. The father needs to be responsible for his out of control daughter. Not the woman he keeps leaving. The woman and three children he doesn't financially support.

OP is not responsible for her

DPotter · 16/05/2021 21:56

Tomorrow morning, Monday, on to social services to see if they can arrange a foster care placement. Frankly I'm not sure they will as she's 16. but worth a shot. If they can't arrange a placement because of her age, ask for advice, as she may be classified as vulnerable. Tell them you'll be asking her to leave as of xx date as your relationship with her father has broken down and he's refusing to take her with him.

Time to go in with all guns blazing. Time to think of your kids and yourself

PurpleBiro21 · 16/05/2021 21:59

What a shit show.

OP it sounds as if you have concerns about your own children outside of DSD? I feel for DSD, I really do but it sounds as if there are other issues too and she cannot stay with you.

Obviously unless you are prepared to push her and her stuff onto the doorstep (which would be cruel) you cannot make him take her if he doesn’t want to.

Therefore you need to call social services.

How long ago did she leave school? Might be worth giving the welfare officer of her school a call? They’ve probably seen similar before anyway and may have made a referral for DSD as surely kids cannot just stop attending school.

I cannot imagine how torn and guilty you must be feeling but you need to make a decision and some phone calls otherwise things will hit a crunch point.

Might be worth discussing why you need to call SS with DSD, that you lover her but have no responsibility for her and the situation is untenable.

I wouldn’t even bother tell dad I’m calling.

petitepeach · 16/05/2021 22:00

@BeneathYourWisdom

Her father needs to take her with him and provide a new home for her with his new gf. He can’t just dump her on you! You’re not her mum and have 3 kids of your own to care for. The new gf can become her new ‘mum’ as he’s decided to leave.

I meant the father obviously.........

PurpleBiro21 · 16/05/2021 22:01

Further more, even if he did leave with her I’d still be calling SS as she sounds like a child in need and that needs to be reported.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/05/2021 22:11

I hate this crap where people think that step children don't count once a relationship break downs.

I hate this crap where women are shamed for thinking a child's PARENT should be responsible for their welfare once a relationship breaks down.

OP has repeatedly said she's more than happy for DSD to visit etc, she just doesn't want to be resident parent on account of the fact she is not her parent and her parent will not be living in the home any more.

She has a father. HE needs to step up, not OP!

Raise the bar off the floor for men. They're perfectly capable of being as decent as women. I know some brilliant, super involved, genuinely loving and kind fathers. Having a penis does not mean you are exempt from stepping up as a parent when the going gets tough.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 16/05/2021 22:14

Of course step-kids count. But that doesn't change the fact that it is their parents who have responsibility for them and step-parents have no legal rights or authority.