To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

I really feel for you. He's had it all his own way. You've even let him stay while he's fucking around.

Of course he's feeling entitled to leave his daughter with you. He does what he wants. How long have you been separated/allowing him to stay under your roof?

He should take his DD with him no question. She will see her siblings when they visit him every other weekend. He had three other DC he also needs to take some responsibility for.

You can have her stay occasionally at your own discretion and only if she's participating in family life.

You are not a rehab centre. Different if she was respectful and loving. But she isn't.

Do not wear the guilt. He could so effortlessly walk away from all of you. Could you move out with your 3. He will need a big house for when the little 3 visit?

@PinkFlamingoo

Sorry I didn't want to drop feed but her mum isn't around, he's had full custody of her since she was about 3. She wants to stay here so it's really hard

Could you not say the only way I'll consider you staying on a very trial basis is if you help with the chores, talk nicely to her step siblings. The minute she stops following house rules she is to go live with dad

@missymayhemsmum @thequeenoftarts @AbsentmindedWoman
But OP has almost colluded in the shite parenting of the 16 year old by the shite dad - because it suited her to ignore his shittiness until he let down her and her kids now too. That is really harsh and there is no evidence at all that the OP did anything of the sort! I can’t believe your comment. So it’s women’s responsibility now for all the crap parenting of a man they married who has a kid already is it?!

I thought step mums were heaped a lot of crap but that above takes the biscuit! The OP has clearly said she’s tried to parent - was undermined. She looked after DSD when the father left before. Did not in any way ‘collude’ with his parenting.

Others suggesting ‘solutions’ which include DSD staying are incredibly naive. This is not a child who accepts the OP in any way. She is not going to magically change now she’s 16, if anything it will get a lot worse. The OP has a duty of care to three children who will be adversely affected by a stressed mother and an older sibling who undermines the whole household.

I think people are innocently ignoring the dynamics. You can’t ignore them. The DSD’s only power is to kick off at the OP and her family. It’s probably one of the few ways she can get her feckless father to be on her side - to be against the OP. What a terrible dynamic to stay in for DSD, the OP and the children.

Poor girl. You aren't being unfair but this is so so sad for her.

@edwinbear

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

No, he needs to step up. OP is a mum to their 3 DC.

No, she is a mum to all 4.

I hate this crap where people think that step children don't count once a relationship break downs. That child has seen the OP as a mother figure for 10 years.

She needs / should go with her dad.

But perhaps you could keep her room for her and she could come for the odd weekend as long as she behaves appropriately? That way she might not feel so unwanted.

Could you not say the only way I'll consider you staying on a very trial basis is if you help with the chores, talk nicely to her step siblings. The minute she stops following house rules she is to go live with dad

@HalzTangz if you read the OP's updates, SD has already had a 'trial'. This won't be the first time that the ex has moved out to his GF's and left his daughter with OP. And it didn't work. The girl refused to accept anything OP said, and her dad didn't come up with the promised financial help towards her living costs.

They've both had their chance and they blew it. OP has no reason to expect anything different this time.

He is. He is her parent and should act as such, and make her home with him. You aren't kicking her out of her home, he should be creating a new home for her with him. She will soon be independent and he should be the one helping her with that transition, with input from xmil. You could arrange regular visits in advance so she gets to see you all.

Agree with Rejoining

OP is getting a lot of flak from some people and it's completely unwarranted.

OPs done her best in a difficult relationship and with a difficult child. She hasn't been given any authority, but has been landed with a lot of responsibility - so whatever she does, she will get the blame for anything and everything that goes wrong - meaning that she will get the blame for everything that goes wrong, even though it isn't her fault.

The DSD won't change; the ex won't change - the only one OP can change is herself, and she needs to become more determined not to be used and abused like this any longer.

Sorry haven't rttt but I agree he should take care, sad as it is for her.

Can you ask her to stay over one or two nights a week with you and her half siblings?

No, she is a mum to all 4

No, she isn't. Why does it fall to the woman to pick up the pieces? It's HIS daughter.

There's some absolute jokers on here.

@MrsTerryPratchett

But my heart goes out to the girl who at 16 is probably scared of having nobody that wants her.

Which is why the message from dad needs to be, "I know you'd rather stay with OP but I couldn't bear not having you around. I love you." Rather than "phew". Wanker.

Definitely the message she is getting, her real mum prefers drugs to her, her dad prefers gf to her,her stepmum prefers own kids to her. No wonder she acts up.

stepmum prefers own kids to her

How dare she!

Your responsibility has to be your dc. Your ex needs to step up and parent his daughter. I can’t believe he would even think of abandoning her with you, that is pathetic.

Tbh people are so naive telling OP to sit down with DSD and set up some ground rules! OP is obviously far beyond this stage in her relationship with DSD. Yes, it’s sad but not that OP doesn’t want DSD to stay, it’s sad that her own dad doesn’t care about her. OP has 3 children under 16 to look after and clearly her life is not perfect and stable. The question should be whom OP should contact about this situation to get some practical help for DSD.

OP, I would contact social services tomorrow to notify them about child in need, preferably when no one could hear you so you could be open and truthful. I wouldn’t talk to your ex or DSD today just to save time and your mental health.
Someone said that it could turn out for the best for DSD as she would be able to get some support, it’s really good point. It’s better to do this now, further down the line DSD will be an adult in charge of her own life and won’t be entitled for any extras.

No, she is a mum to all 4 - you should go to the step parenting boards and try saying that. It is the cardinal sin for a step mum to say she’s a mum to a step child - you would be absolutely torn into!

OP’s primary responsibility is to her own young children. As stepmother she has a secondary responsibility to DSD. If DSD was a nice respectful girl who was doing her best to work or study then I’d absolutely say OP should give her a chance at a decent future by letting her stay. But that’s unfortunately not the case. She’s rude and unpleasant, doesn’t go to school, is nasty to the younger children, bullies OP to hand over tobacco and takes a screaming hissy fit if she doesn’t get her own way, drinks alcohol, makes a mess in the house and leaves it for OP to clean up, etc. She’s creating a bad environment for both OP and the younger children, and that means OP has to prioritise those children and their well-being by removing DSD and the problems she’s creating. DSD won’t be out on the street, she has her biological father to look after her.

@HalzTangz what are you on about? A mum to all 4? No she's a mum to 3. On another board she'd be told it's 'none of her business' and 'she's not even a stepmum as wasn't married to the dad'. But now suddenly she has to be a mother because the child's own parents have left the poor kid. Not OPs responsibility. As a former step-mother, the most she should do is maintain contact to ensure the half siblings stay in touch but again that's really dad's responsibility.

Parents who move house when they have lived there with their kids for 10+ years aren't "kicking their children out of their home" because home is where their parents are. In this case, that is with her father.

I do feel bad for this 16 year old but I think her father needs to have a firm but kind conversation about the fact that OP has no PR for her and that she must move with him. Perhaps with an option for regular visits to see her siblings, but withclear messaging that those visits will be subject to a few ground rules about her behaviour.

No, she is a mum to all 4

No, she isn’t.

Also don’t underestimate the extremely negative effects this has already had on the OPs younger children. It sounds like they’ve been through enough. I am not blaming the DSD because she has been neglected by her father, however her anger sounds like it is directed at those she can bully, including the OP and the younger children.

This is quite serious. Kids only get one childhood. OP has had no control over DSDs, no real ability to parent her even if she wanted. However she does have a responsibility to her younger children who need a healthy home atmosphere.

Agree with other posters about ringing the local authorities or SS

But be warned that theyll do their best to convince you to let her stay

I do feel sorry for the step daughter but you cant put someone elses child and their drama infront your own mental health and family. If you dont want her there dont have her there OP.

You sound miserable as it is, do what is going to make you happy

At 16 I can understand why she wants to stay in her home. She isn't your responsibility - but - is there anyway you can talk to her to discuss the house rules if she does stay? Explain that if she breaks them she has to go with her dad. It's not that you don't love her but she needs to change a few things to stay. (But equally remember that she is only 16 so it is unlikely to be plain sailing.....). That poor gorl.

Say that she needs to live with her dad as you’ve never actually parented her, but you would love regular visits.

I do feel sorry for her

Jesus OP, your latest update makes it clear it’s absolutely not going to work out well for anyone if your DSD stays with you. I’m one of the many posters upthread who suggested giving her your new house rules and making it crystal clear she follows them or she goes to live with dad. I was assuming her dad actually would have her and it was her choice to stay because school/friends/doesn’t like dad’s new gf. It would only ever work if her paternal side of the family and especially her dad were willing to back you up long term on the your house your rules thing. Since you’ve actually tried this already the last time her dad left and it was a disaster because everyone in this girl’s life is trying to lump you with all the responsability and none of the authority, there is no way it’s reasonable to expect you to try again. This girl needs a fresh start. New home, new rules. Maybe her nanny could be the solution if she takes on some caring responsibilities (cooking? shopping? cieaning the house? But she may not be emotionally mature enough for that to work. You need help sorting this. (It shouldn’t be your job to sort but everyone else is failing miserably at it.) Would her old high school still see her? Does she have a social worker? Is anyone at all on her dad’s side of the family likely to be helpful ?