To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

Just to clear a few things up.
Again sorry for the drip feed here but I wasn't in the right headspace when I posted last night and I missed out a few details.

I have been in her life since she was 6, however we didn't move in until she was almost 9.

XMIL basically raised DSD and she has always seen her as a mother not just her nanny.

XDP moved out before with said gf and left DSD here, it was nothing but stress and he never moved her to his dispute saying he would.

XDP and his gf relationship has always been rocky and he moved back in here (stupid of me I know) after learning they don't work living together. (Fuck knows why he's still with her but their relationship is none of my business)

I tried setting rules for DSD when her dad moved out before, she didn't like it and would ring her dad and twist things so he'd have a go at me for being unfair to her.

I cannot deal with this again.

As for her nan who helped raise her, she's older and she has health conditions so DSD living with her isn't an option.

Yes I have been like a mother figure to her, but she doesn't see me as a mother, that's how she sees her nan.
I don't want to completely wash my hands of her, I do love her, but I cannot mentally deal with her the way she is along with my other DC. I know my DC are going to be bad if not worse as teenagers but there difference with them
Is I'm allowed to discipline them. I'm not with DSD and she runs to the family and makes me out to be evil when it's not like that at all.

Again sorry for the drip feed. I needed to elaborate on a few things here that are very relevant to this situation so you can have a clearer picture of the circumstances

@Ilovegreentomatoes

There must be a reason dsd wants to live with you? She probably senses her dad doesn't really want her. After ten years I would of thought there was some bond between you? Is there no way you can give her a chance to stay with you and see if her behaviour improves. At 16 she will probably be doing her own thing anyway it's not like having the responsibility of a young child.

no

OP,

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your council house and effectively making your children homeless because of this awful man.

Contact SS for support tomorrow morning, but this girl needs to go and live with her father.

My over-riding point that seems to be being deliberately overlooked is bafflement at how the OP has lived 10 years with a child she seemingly doesn't care a jot about, and seems to consider a stress rather than a member of the family.

This is a horrible and incredibly unfair judgement of the OP. It sums how step mothers are treated - they have to be at all times the most welcoming and giving whilst at the same time not overstep the mark and be anything close to a mother - but then if they even suggest it’s stressful they are accused of ‘not treating the child like their own’ but then if they do treat the child like their own (like the OP) are accused of trying to ‘be her mother’...

The DSD here is incredibly rude and stressful to be around - because the OP is not her parent. It’s the step child who usually cannot accept the step mum and act out.

Don't apologise @PinkFlamingoo

You're under immense pressure ... take back control...

He needs to move out.
DSD needs to go with Him.

Exceptions to the 'rule' are possible

Not if the child’s father’s ex doesn’t want to do it, though.

Dear god, poor OP. Fuck all this guilt tripping and shaming. You've been dumped by your low life ex who wants to swan off with his side chick. Do what you need to get through. Fuck his 'getting nasty'. He needs to take responsibility for his child. I'd be on to SS and insisting right back.

@PinkFlamingoo

Just to clear a few things up. Again sorry for the drip feed here but I wasn't in the right headspace when I posted last night and I missed out a few details.

I have been in her life since she was 6, however we didn't move in until she was almost 9.

XMIL basically raised DSD and she has always seen her as a mother not just her nanny.

XDP moved out before with said gf and left DSD here, it was nothing but stress and he never moved her to his dispute saying he would.

XDP and his gf relationship has always been rocky and he moved back in here (stupid of me I know) after learning they don't work living together. (Fuck knows why he's still with her but their relationship is none of my business)

I tried setting rules for DSD when her dad moved out before, she didn't like it and would ring her dad and twist things so he'd have a go at me for being unfair to her.

I cannot deal with this again.

As for her nan who helped raise her, she's older and she has health conditions so DSD living with her isn't an option.

Yes I have been like a mother figure to her, but she doesn't see me as a mother, that's how she sees her nan.
I don't want to completely wash my hands of her, I do love her, but I cannot mentally deal with her the way she is along with my other DC. I know my DC are going to be bad if not worse as teenagers but there difference with them
Is I'm allowed to discipline them. I'm not with DSD and she runs to the family and makes me out to be evil when it's not like that at all.

Again sorry for the drip feed. I needed to elaborate on a few things here that are very relevant to this situation so you can have a clearer picture of the circumstances

He really is a prize shit, isn’t he?

What’s his plan re moving out now? Where and when?

@PinkFlamingoo

Just to clear a few things up. Again sorry for the drip feed here but I wasn't in the right headspace when I posted last night and I missed out a few details.

I have been in her life since she was 6, however we didn't move in until she was almost 9.

XMIL basically raised DSD and she has always seen her as a mother not just her nanny.

XDP moved out before with said gf and left DSD here, it was nothing but stress and he never moved her to his dispute saying he would.

XDP and his gf relationship has always been rocky and he moved back in here (stupid of me I know) after learning they don't work living together. (Fuck knows why he's still with her but their relationship is none of my business)

I tried setting rules for DSD when her dad moved out before, she didn't like it and would ring her dad and twist things so he'd have a go at me for being unfair to her.

I cannot deal with this again.

As for her nan who helped raise her, she's older and she has health conditions so DSD living with her isn't an option.

Yes I have been like a mother figure to her, but she doesn't see me as a mother, that's how she sees her nan.
I don't want to completely wash my hands of her, I do love her, but I cannot mentally deal with her the way she is along with my other DC. I know my DC are going to be bad if not worse as teenagers but there difference with them
Is I'm allowed to discipline them. I'm not with DSD and she runs to the family and makes me out to be evil when it's not like that at all.

Again sorry for the drip feed. I needed to elaborate on a few things here that are very relevant to this situation so you can have a clearer picture of the circumstances

I tried setting rules for DSD when her dad moved out before, she didn't like it and would ring her dad and twist things so he'd have a go at me for being unfair to her.

He is emotionally abusing you OP in this scenario. This is not fair to or healthy for you OR FOR HER. It's toxic and will not serve her well as an adult. She needs to see adults setting boundaries and having them respected. Desperately. Please do it - it's better for her and for you and your other children.

The narrative that keeping her with you is 'being kind' is so damaging. It's nothing of the sort, it's perpetuating an abusive dynamic. Say no.

The kind thing would be to involve social services and get her professional help. Ideally who will force her Dad to step up.

Again, if you let her stay you are enabling him dumping her. Do not let him use you in this way.

I tried setting rules for DSD when her dad moved out before, she didn't like it and would ring her dad and twist things so he'd have a go at me for being unfair to her

I wonder what all the people saying the OP just needs to ‘step up’ and let her stay, think to that? Did OP just not try hard enough last time??

Make it very clear to him that he has X number of days, or you will be reporting him to SS for child abandonment.

He is taking the piss and should take his 16 year old daughter with him as she is not your responsibility.

If you are in a 4 bed place can you go on a council transfer list to go to a 3 bed? It would lesson the financial issue of paying bedroom tax. I believe there is a severe shortage of larger properties available so you would be in a strong position.

It would mean that you wouldn’t physically have room for her if you downsized.

Your ex needs to get a place of his own and stay there regardless of whether he is with his girlfriend or not.

Once he’s settled then she should go and live with him but maybe wait a while so she doesn’t feel pushed out.
It’s disruptive to move her out but surely she must wonder why her dad doesn’t want to live with her so I think in the long run it would be better for her to live with her dad. Especially if her mum isn’t around she needs to feel like he wants her.

So he's done this before.
Jeeze, what a prize he is.

You've done your stint. No-one can accuse you of not trying with this girl, and giving her a stable home. But she rejected your care last time, and she only wants to do it again because she thinks she can control you.
For goodness' sake, say a very clear no, OP.

i second speaking to social services. Who knows, maybe a place independantly, some sort of assisted living place, would be the making of her, especially if her gran is nearby for support, and relationships between you and her remain civil, so she can still see her siblings (who I assume are much younger) are OK.

He is a shit. But ultimately the buck stops at him. She is his child. You have been prevented from parenting her, and until recently been told you are not her parent, so its clear that it only goes one way.

You cannot MAKE him take her - you have no control over what place he and the gf rent, but you can ensure that she has a place to go to herself, but it will mean talking to the authorities, and I would start that conversation as soon as possible - once you have someone to reinforce your position its possible he may backtrack, but at least if not you wont be left holding the can - its not as if you havent tried before and it didnt work.

Incidentally what is his decision regarding contact with the other 3 - what happened last time?

And for gods sake, never NEVER let him move back in

I'd actually say that it's a perfect time for DSD to move in with her nan. She can learn some home truths and her nan can help with that.
If she doesn't follow your house rules she must follow her nan's ones so that is a perfect opportunity for DSD.

He really is a shit dad and he is setting such a poor example as a father for all of his children.

How does the council housing work where you are? Is it in your name? Joint? His?

If him and the girlfriend can’t live together without rowing, where is he moving to?

Op you been there and got the t shirt you need to be firm..he sounds like he knows how to push your buttons. You been a Saint to put up with as much as you have but enough is enough.

@Howshouldibehave Well that's a pointless comment. The people reasonably suggesting that without Dad around to undermine the OP she might react better to some boundaries had no idea that it'd already been tried and tested.

Nor was there any earlier suggestion of an additional family member having a parental influence on the girl.

Nor did anyone know that they've been split for some time and he's actually moved BACK in having done this before.

Another 800 comment thread with an eventual drip feed that significantly changes the goalposts. Gotta love Mumsnet

[quote ImInStealthMode]@saraclara I'm absolutely angry with her father. I'm angry with both the adults who've made decisions that now potentially leave a young girl with the impression that absolutely nobody wants her.

And of course the OPs children count, but equally to the step-daughter; not more so. I'd suggest that people don't have kids with partners who already have kids, if they're not all going to be considered equally important.

My over-riding point that seems to be being deliberately overlooked is bafflement at how the OP has lived 10 years with a child she seemingly doesn't care a jot about, and seems to consider a stress rather than a member of the family.

She should go with her Dad of course, but if he doesn't want her and she doesn't want to go then I can't personally imagine having the ice-cold heart to pack her off regardless. [/quote]
What a dickhead post

@NettleTea

i second speaking to social services. Who knows, maybe a place independantly, some sort of assisted living place, would be the making of her, especially if her gran is nearby for support, and relationships between you and her remain civil, so she can still see her siblings (who I assume are much younger) are OK.

He is a shit. But ultimately the buck stops at him. She is his child. You have been prevented from parenting her, and until recently been told you are not her parent, so its clear that it only goes one way.

You cannot MAKE him take her - you have no control over what place he and the gf rent, but you can ensure that she has a place to go to herself, but it will mean talking to the authorities, and I would start that conversation as soon as possible - once you have someone to reinforce your position its possible he may backtrack, but at least if not you wont be left holding the can - its not as if you havent tried before and it didnt work.

Incidentally what is his decision regarding contact with the other 3 - what happened last time?

And for gods sake, never NEVER let him move back in

Last time he just came here during the day to see the kids or after school, they never went and stayed over. He payed CM once!!! DSD is a VERY fussy eater so he said he would do her food shopping each week, again I can count on one hand the amount of times he did that!! They only lived together for a few months! His gf moved back in with her parents after he moved back here. He sees her every weekend and goes out for meals etc whereas I don't ever get a break! I never go out, I never have me time and I've really lost myself. This isn't anything to do with his relationship with his gf either. All I want to do is put myself first for once so I can be a better mum to DC

Unless there are court orders in place, your ex is still legally responsible for his dsd:

www.lawandparents.co.uk/can-we-legally-throw-our-16-year-old-son-out.html
How Long Does Parental Responsibility Last?

In England, Wales and Northern Ireland the duties towards a child which come with parental responsibility continue until the child is 18. In the case of children between the age of 16 and 18, parental responsibility ends if the child marries.
In some circumstances where parental responsibility was conferred by a court order, it may end upon expiry of the order. Alternatively, a court order ending the parental responsibility may be obtained. The child’s birth mother can only lose her parental responsibility if the child is adopted.

I have referred to your stepson as a boy or child because, in legal terms, that is what he is until he turns 18. Technically, a person with parental responsibility for a child, who fails to look after that child, could be prosecuted for child neglect.

You need to get some more help with this situation. Keep a record of conversations with your ex re his daughter. He is dumping all this on you.

So whose name is your house in? Where does he intend to move to and when?

You need to separate yourself from him as soon as you can-could that mean you and your children apply for a 3 bed council house and that forces a natural separation?

I agree with @NettleTea SS will have a youth homeless provision and will be able to support your DSD. This is not care but support towards independent living and in time maybe able to help with education etc