To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

@Howshouldibehave

I'm honestly not trying to guilt you into this if you honestly couldn't manage it

Yes, you quite literally are!

The OP has already said, I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now

She is now a single parent with three kids of her own-she can’t cope with this.

This.

I really don't think if this was a man he'd be guilted into this. OP has said quite clearly how precarious she feels emotionally / mentally.

She's just suffered her ex having an affair from the sounds of it and being left. She's now expected to take this on too? Fuck that. It'll be ongoing emotional abuse from her ex, 100% guaranteed, if she does. Criticising her decisions whilst abdicating responsibility - and if she doesn't get legal parental responsibility then she won't have a leg to stand on.

And I also think that OP will be able to have a better influence on DSDs life if she says no.

Firstly, it will be a great example of forcing her father to step up to his parental responsibility, and also a great example of not just expecting women to be doormats and take on all the caring when men are too lazy to.

It's clear OP feels on the edge. If DSD stays she could quite easily tip over it which will be terrible for DSD and her other children and HER.

I think OP will be able to be a much more consistent, stable, loving influence in DSDs life if she lives with her Dad. It might not be easy in the short term but in the long term I think it will be MUCH better for DSD.

Otherwise the OP will be ground down and quite possibly tipped over the edge by the situation, the dad will be able to just wash his hands - which will be an ongoing source of trauma and hurt to DSD.

The Dad needs to step up, say she's going with him and make it seem like he wants her FFS.

He's an absolute prick and should have taken his daughter with him. You're not her mother.

However, she's young and vulnerable and despite her 'issues' she has said she wants to stay where she is - she probably sees you as a safe person and your house as her safe place. You've been a huge part of her life since she was 6. Uprooting her from that just because her dad is a prick, is cruel and unfair to the girl when she's still just a child herself.

I would keep her with me but give her some firm rules.

Tbh I think she's probably crying out for some boundaries and proper parenting.

She’s got a living breathing father to do that.

If she says she wants to live with op then he can’t just hide behind that for the easy life. He needs to grow a spine and tell his daughter she is living with him and then be work his damn hardest to be a good dad to her.

That’s the only way her life is going to get any better. Piling all of this on to the op won’t improve her life. The dad needs be a dad instead of a useless waste of space thinking what his daughter says goes.

@thehorsealreadybolted

Don’t give up your council house! He needs to take his daughter with him or you suck it up until she leaves home. Don’t allow her to be a pain, make her tow the line and if she doesn’t like it she can go to her dads of her own free will

How could OP make her tow the line when her dad leaves, as this girl refuses to tow the line right now? OP does not need to suck anything up. I would be saying to him right you want her to stay here in my home, it's X amount for a room share in this area, her bills will be Y amount and she will need food and spends money too, total being £A amount per month. OP doesn't need to subsidize this girl, she is not responsible for her so should pay nothing towards her keep, it will not be a case of maintenance for four kids, it will be maintenance for three plus lodgings for a near adult. That should focus his mind a bit.

OP
regardless of what he plans to do, if he's not going to take her with him you HAVE to call Child Services and report her as a child in need.

Its not about not wanting her to go into care, if he abandons her and you don't have any kind of PR for her, then Child Services have to deal with, either by giving you temp PR or something else.. but you can't ignore it.

And what happens when the 'safe person' and 'safe place' is destroyed by OP having a mental breakdown?

OP has said she can't cope.

In the long term it is better for DSD to go. OP isn't a fucking robot, she can't just give and give and give and suffer hurt and hurt and hurt and just carry on being responsible and loving. There is a limit to women's resilience. This is it.

That poor, poor girl. She must feel so unwanted. What a sad post.

You're not her parent. Her home is with her parent. There's no easy answer other than a numbers game. You and your 3 kids or her. Personally I'd choose the former.

And yes, call Child Services and they can talk to her Dad.

Oh OP, what a horrible situation he has left you in. I think you are going to need professional help and in your situation I would contact social services for advice.
What an utter bastard he is.

@PinkFlamingoo
Phone the council and tell them you're splitting up and you both need re-housing you and your kids and him and DSD

Or is renting privately an option just sort yourself out and leave him to get on with it

This is so sad for the young girl 😓 but really it's not your problem and as she's a pain in the arse he needs to take her .. If she was lovely and helpful id say keep her it's only 2 years but she's not so it's the way it is , you've got 3 children already on your own you don't need to have extras foisted apon you .. Bloody horrid for the girl though but it's her dad's fault not yours x

This is the father’s job to sort out.

You’ve had a right number done on you @PinkFlamingoo

Of course if he leaves she needs to go with him. That’s absolutely logical.

OP, don't let people guilt you into taking on your ex-partner's responsibility while he goes off gallivanting freely with his GF. Tell him he has to take her with him when he goes and do NOT back down. If she didn't create such a huge extra burden on you and was actually helpful and basically polite, your position might be different. But she will cause you untold labour & stress, which will not allow you to be a good parent to the other children or to have a peaceful home. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. She has a parent. She will be fine.

She's tried to have rules and boundaries, but both SD and her dad have trampled all over them and told her OP she's no right to them. Because she's 'not SD's mother', ironically.

Absolutely identify with this and I’m not surprised. I had the exact same so I can speak with confidence that the best thing for all, including DSD is to be very firm with the parents. Give THEM rules and boundaries - which is to say that they parent their own child.

I also offered DSD to continue to stay with me but only if she could accept the same rules as my other kids - to which she also got very angry and told me that I was not her mother and she didn’t have to do anything I said, but that she was told by both her parents she had a right to live with me as ‘that was her home’. DSD did not have the maturity to navigate being rejected. Eventually her parents did step up for a while and actually parented her - which was the best solution for all.

Poor girl.

OP please contact social services to discuss your situation.

My over-riding point that seems to be being deliberately overlooked is bafflement at how the OP has lived 10 years with a child she seemingly doesn't care a jot about, and seems to consider a stress rather than a member of the family.

That is an appalling comment to make and a totally unfair assumption.

It seems to me that OP has cared for this child for 10 years. She has made a home for her, looked after her and attempted to parent her.

However the child's rsehole father has taken the line of least resistance when it comes to parenting. DSD wants to leave school? Let her! It's so much easier than taking an interest in her education and taking the anger and the flak the child will trow at him if he attempts to discipline her - and he doesn't want disruption, so OP* isn't allowed to try to help or guide her either.

Father doesn't try to make her go to school, get a job, stop smoking - it's all too much like hard work. But HE'S the one in charge, so what he says, goes, and OP is stuck with it.

And because the father has treated OP like a servant and undermined her authority, then the DSD treats OP the same way.

I agree that this is a desperately unhappy young woman who can't cope and is trying to harden herself against hurt by pushing everyone away - but OP can't cope with this; OP's children shouldn't have to cope with it - this girl needs professional help.

OP contact Children's Services as advised. And whatever your ex decides he wants to do, don't be part of it. If he goes, he takes his DD or arranges for her to be cared for - perhaps fostered. Even if you had no other children to think about, and wanted to do the best for her, she needs more than you can provide.

If he changes his mind about going - make him. You and your children deserve better than this,

Also OP, if you let this happen, it's enabling your ex dumping his own daughter.

Whilst a house move is a little stressful, him dumping her (because that's what it is) and rejecting her is going to cause her far more damage.

I actually think just accepting his idea he can walk away and leave her with you is far more damaging to DSD long term. She might think she wants to stay, because it's easy, but what that would be saying about what her Dad thinks of her would damage her for the rest of her life.

As a responsible adult in her life (who will not disappear) I think you owe it to her to not let this happen.

He's dumped you (which much be shit enough OP, and think how terrible you feel) - DON'T let him dump her. She's only 16. She's not seeing the wider consequences of staying with you just the inconveniences of moving.

If he does dump her, I'd expect her behaviour to get worse rather than better.

Tbh I think she's probably crying out for some boundaries and proper parenting.

She's had 16 years of her father offering no boundaries. Why would she change her behaviour for OP now?

She's 16, not in school or employment, smokes and does as she pleases. If she was ready to change then a new town, college place and new friends would be beneficial but neither her nor her father are willing to step up.

This thread is crazy women expecting op to pick up the parenting of a rude entitled child simply because she's female whilst the father swans off with his latest squeeze, are you having a laugh? She isn't been kicked out she's leaving with her dad.

She wants to stay because she knows she can manipulate and have ops eyes out and do as she pleases leaving wine to be cleaned up and vile to the younger dc. Op has the right to live in her own home with her dc without be subjected to an awful atmosphere off a child that isn't hers. Look on the step parents forums many don't get involved in the daily parenting of their step child and leave that down to their parent. She has a parent it isn't op. Those trying to shame op and feeling sorry for a girl who bully's her siblings should be a shame of themselves.

This summoned the situation nicely

you do NOT have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm

Op you have come out of long term relationship this is your chance to restart your life again with yourself and your dc. Don't feel bullied into taking his child.

OP, 100% clear she shouldn't stay with you. You are not your mother and based on what you described is not a mother figure either. I think your problem here is your ex. He probably thinks you will just swallow it and let her stay. I would make it very clear to him.. Either she moves with him or you contact social services and she goes into Foster care

@funinthesun19 But at the moment they are all still living together as one household. I honestly can't wrap my head around 'Who cares what happens to Child A so long as Children B-D are ok'.

Obviously the usual way (as awful as it can be for the children) when a step-family split is to go separate ways, but this is far from a usual case. Her Dad doesn't appear to want her. Her Mum isn't capable. She has a home she appears to feel secure in, and will likely be ready to leave in a few short years anyway.

Exceptions to the 'rule' are possible, and sometimes necessary.

This thread is crazy women expecting op to pick up the parenting of a rude entitled child simply because she's female whilst the father swans off with his latest squeeze, are you having a laugh? She isn't been kicked out she's leaving with her dad

I think it’s the anti stepmother brigade who want to be offended that a former stepmother wants to move on with her life and make the stepchild’s parent/s take responsibility for their child.

There must be a reason dsd wants to live with you? She probably senses her dad doesn't really want her.
After ten years I would of thought there was some bond between you? Is there no way you can give her a chance to stay with you and see if her behaviour improves. At 16 she will probably be doing her own thing anyway it's not like having the responsibility of a young child.

When my sister died leaving my 6 year old niece, her dad met someone and moved in with her very quickly. My niece didn't get on with her step mum and to be fair my niece was no angel. When my neice was 13 her dad and step mum split and he basically told my neice he didn't want her living with him. Her step mum amazingly continued to look after her and they became very close. Now my niece is 30 and is still very close to her step mum and often says how grateful she is that her step mum stepped up and coninued to offer her a stable home. It was a life changing decision for them both. I get it if you can't take her in but please make sure she has a stable and safe place to go to.