To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

What the heck am I reading here. Of course she should not be left with you!!! She needs to live with her dad, end of. You have 3 of your own children who you are responsible for!! Of course you can maintain yours and your children's relationship with dsd but it's her father's responsibility to take on all parental responsibility. End of, no discussion. DSD1 has been in my life since she was 3 but no way under any circumstances would she live with me full time if I split with her father. It would be dad/mum, then grandparents, aunts extended family, then children's services. It is not your responsibility !!!!!

Don’t give up your council house! He needs to take his daughter with him or you suck it up until she leaves home. Don’t allow her to be a pain, make her tow the line and if she doesn’t like it she can go to her dads of her own free will

This sounds very sad for the girl, if she has lived with you and her step siblings for many years. Much as i sympathise I feel her needs should come first.

@frazzledasarock

But the father hasn’t fallen under a bus.

The mans alive and kicking and her father, and should be taking care of his child.

All the insane scenarios are completely beside the point.

Fact
The DSD has a live and kicking father
lots of people move house at various stages of their lives, ‘childhood home’ means nothing here it’s just emotional blackmail shit, a sixteen year old is not joined by an invisible umbilical chord to a house because she’s lived there for ten years.
OP is not DSD’s legal guardian and has no legal rights over the girl
OP has her own DC to think about
OP has her own mental health to take care of of
OP has her own financial limits which do not extend to taking care of an almost adult child who is not related to her indefinitely.
DSD is mean to OP’s DC
DSD has no respect for OP
OP sounds intimidated by DSC

DSC needs to be with her father.

With all the best will in the world none of us could take care of a sixteen year old heading off the rails, especially not one who we have no legal or filial responsibility towards.

It’s easy to say, oh you’re so mean, when you aren’t the one looking at housing and playing skivvy to a girl who may never leave.

Absolutely

OP's ex needs to move to OP's area so that dsd doesn't have to leave her friends and life.

I love that the man gets to abandon all 4 of his kids.
Was there ever a discussion around the other three? Or did he simply assume that they were staying with you? Is he going to make provisions for them in his new life? Is he making sure there is space for them the sleep over?
Does he actually give a shit about any of his kids?

@saraclara I'm absolutely angry with her father. I'm angry with both the adults who've made decisions that now potentially leave a young girl with the impression that absolutely nobody wants her.

And of course the OPs children count, but equally to the step-daughter; not more so. I'd suggest that people don't have kids with partners who already have kids, if they're not all going to be considered equally important.

My over-riding point that seems to be being deliberately overlooked is bafflement at how the OP has lived 10 years with a child she seemingly doesn't care a jot about, and seems to consider a stress rather than a member of the family.

She should go with her Dad of course, but if he doesn't want her and she doesn't want to go then I can't personally imagine having the ice-cold heart to pack her off regardless.

@Redburnett

This sounds very sad for the girl, if she has lived with you and her step siblings for many years. Much as i sympathise I feel her needs should come first.

If op doesn't put her own needs first, then she won't be in a position to mind any of the kids. She'll be at breaking point. She's said she cannot cope with having her ex's dd live with her. That should be the final word. After op's needs, her own children's needs come next. Ex's dd is already nasty to them. Do you really think she will be all sweetness and light once her father fucks off with his new squeeze? Most likley her behaviour will escalate and send op over the edge. The only person who needs to put the 16yr olds needs first is her father. He needs to parent her.

It is unreasonable to think that a stepparent will care equally for their children and stepchildren.

OP sounds like she cares for sd - eg she tried to encourage her to stay in education and doesn't want her to be in foster care but it sounds like she's been powerless to parent her stepchild like her own which is probably how stepchildren and stepparents form deep bonds akin to family. Sd doesn't even call op Mum after 10 years so I suspect that she is viewed as supplier of tobacco and a place to hang out with her friends.

MN is v strange.
On the one hand a woman is told it's absolutely fine to disengage with a child who has lived under her roof for over 10 years, but then the other day a grandmother was questioning whether she should have to treat DSGC the same as her DGC born to her daughter and she was hounded off.
I think we really need to think hard about step families and the implications of men (or women) having subsequent children with new partners and the massive implications this has on the first born children.

At 16 I wasnt even living with parents, I think people need to drop the 'poor child' thing shes not a child she is a young adult and should be growing up right around now. Hell, I know several people who where parents themselves by that age.

If the hardest thing she has to deal with is choosing to moving in with her dad who has been her full time custodian since 3 (so not some long estranged family member) or spread her wings and fly then she has a seriously easy life.

OP is NBU here.

@Redburnett

This sounds very sad for the girl, if she has lived with you and her step siblings for many years. Much as i sympathise I feel her needs should come first.

No, absolutely not.

The OP must put her own mental and emotional well-being and the needs of her own kids first.

This child’s own parent needs to put her first. If he doesn’t, then social care need to intervene.

OP, if you do agree to this, I think you need some serious ground rules. Tbh I think she's probably crying out for some boundaries and proper parenting. There's a chance here that you could get her back on the right track.
Having read your updates, I would insist that she returns to school/college as an absolute condition of staying and that she obeys your house rules, which should include not smoking and pulling her weight at home. If she stayed I would formalise arrangements by sorting legal fostering, so you don't get any arguments about not having rights to insist on rules. Obviously behaviour towards the younger siblings has to be changed immediately. If she agrees and stands by it, then I'd try to give it a go. I would make clear to her that she is not being asked to do anything differently than you would expect of your own children in due course. And I do absolutely understand that you shouldn't have been put in this position but if you can, try to separate out her father being a selfish, bullying prick and this child's need for security.
Obviously if her father is just being a lazy bastard but would do a decent job of caring for her if you said an absolute no, then that's different because ideally she should be with her dad.
I'm honestly not trying to guilt you into this if you honestly couldn't manage it or of she is utterly resistant to adherence to house rules. It's just that I've seen this from the child's pov. I honestly can't express to you just how angry I am and how sad I feel at how all the adults in ds' gf life have just fucked off and taken no responsibility for her welfare

I'm honestly not trying to guilt you into this if you honestly couldn't manage it

Yes, you quite literally are!

The OP has already said, I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now

She is now a single parent with three kids of her own-she can’t cope with this.

Just to say I have also had ‘but it’s her home’ leveled at me and it’s the absolute worst excuse of a reason - to not parent or take any responsibility for your own kids.

I got this screamed at me from my DSDs mother who didn’t want to look after DSD aged 17. I’d already done years of this and I had enough of being a parent to someone who didn’t want me as a parent. It didn’t work. Her father worked very long hours. The mother said it’s fine her father works long hours, DSD doesn’t need a ‘parent’ shes’ old enough. So I said why can’t she live with you then? Because her mother found her too difficult. How can parents just fob off their own child? Like you OP I had it with my relationship too, over issues such as this. And DSD, like yours I imagine, does not to be ‘dumped’ because that is exactly what it is. She will blame and resent you for it, because it’s easier than blaming or resenting her own parents.

Utterly lazy parents.

Well this is an almighty SNAFU, isn't it!

Your ex is a fucker - abandoning his DD so he can go off and play lovebirds with his new GF. She's also a fucker if she accepts that from him. He has parental RIGHTS and RESPONSIBILITIES.

You have neither over this 16yo, and it would appear she has no boundaries and you have no authority over her either.

Of COURSE she wants to stay living at your house - she's got the best life there, no responsibilities, no chores, gets to do just what she likes and takes what she wants because OP is too fed up of her "kicking off" if she doesn't get her own way.

The DD is going to become a fanny lodger. BUT who is going to pay for her? She's obviously not paying her own way, OP gets no funds for her because not her child - so will her "father" pay her board to stay there? He better bloody had do so! Have you asked him @PinkFlamingoo, if he's going to pay her board and lodging? That could be a tipping point if he's not considered that aspect before! Make sure you make it a decent rate too!

I feel sorry for the girl, of course - having a deadbeat mum and a dad who now wants shot of her - but her own behaviour leaves a LOT to be desired and can't all be put down to her having shit parents! I know that some teens behave like this when they come from stable backgrounds with parents still together too - but at least BOTH parents have the responsibility and authority to attempt to deal with it - here the OP is going to be left with no authority but all the responsibility, none of which should be hers in the first place.

Honestly, I'm so angry for you @PinkFlamingoo - your ex is a massive arsehole for doing this.

There can't be a hard and fast rule about this as it depends on how 2 families blend.

Based on what I see it ranges from stepparents who are allowed to actually parent (discipline, allowed to voice opinion on future choices etc) through to ones who are more like an extra pair of adult hands in the house because maybe the ex is heavily involved.

She wasn't treated by her ex as a parental figure in dsd life eg having power to influence whether or not to stay in education so it is hypocritical for the ex to pull the parental guilt card now.

And of course the OPs children count, but equally to the step-daughter; not more so. I'd suggest that people don't have kids with partners who already have kids, if they're not all going to be considered equally important.

Wow hold on a minute there. The op isn’t with her ex anymore, so she has every right to put her children first. This is the normal logic when adults split up in a stepfamily.
You’re talking about them as if the op is still with him. She’s not, so it’s a completely different ball game.

I was with my ex for a long time too. We’ve been split up for 18 months now. Am I responsible for his child he had with his ex to detriment of my own children who I am a single mum to and happily getting on with life with? Nope, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t do that to my children.

Much as i sympathise I feel her needs should come first.

She needs her Dad to provide reassurance and stability. Otherwise she's been rejected by both parents and that's awful for dsd. She needs at least one functional parent.

The OP can't cope with this as things are but maybe if there were house rules and boundaries it might be manageable. Especially without the father living there and undermining the OPs authority.
In the end someone is going to have to step up and look after this teenager. Ideally it should be her dad but if he's totally shit and refuses then the options are literally the OP or social services. That's the horrible reality.

Tbh I think she's probably crying out for some boundaries and proper parenting. Yes she probably is, but step mums are evil! I’m kind of saying it as a joke, but it is very rare that a step child is able to accept a step mother in a full-parenting role. They have loyalties. It is not like living with grandparents - this woman is where her mum should be, married to her father.

Step Mums are understandably the last person most step kids will accept as parent. As the OP describes, her DSD is kicking back at all of this lack of parenting from her own parents - with sullenness, rudeness. She will not accept it so even though of course, she needs boundaries - no way will the OP be able to enforce this. It will be war and her own kids will suffer. I know because I tried to be a good parent to my DSD, my own kids were caught up as DSD was absolutely awful to me and everyone. That is no atmosphere in which to bring up children. And the DSDs are just caught up, confused and kicking off.

He’s spectacularly dumped out on op.
Left her to pick up everything, including sorting out HIS belligerent 16yo dd. He’s being ruled by his dick.

The OP can't cope with this as things are but maybe if there were house rules and boundaries it might be manageable. I cant’ say this enough - this will not be manageable for the OP. And she has 3 other kids. If the DSD is unmanageable now, she will be even more internally angry, upset and resentful and will take it out on those she has not long term affinity with - the step mum and the other kids. Seen it and experienced it time and again.

I think DSD is extremely vulnerable in this situation - and that’s not your fault. It’s her mother and father - and sixteen is a very difficult age for you to navigate.
I think he has to get a two bedroom flat from the offset and if I was you I would insist he has her every weekend from Thurs to Mon at least.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

The OP can't cope with this as things are but maybe if there were house rules and boundaries it might be manageable. Especially without the father living there and undermining the OPs authority. In the end someone is going to have to step up and look after this teenager. Ideally it should be her dad but if he's totally shit and refuses then the options are literally the OP or social services. That's the horrible reality.

She's tried to have rules and boundaries, but both SD and her dad have trampled all over them and told her OP she's no right to them. Because she's 'not SD's mother', ironically.

The OP can't cope with this as things are

So two adults looking after four kids already has the OP at breaking point? But you think that leaving her to set up boundaries and ground rules all alone, for a child that does whatever they want, whilst single-handedly looking after three other kids, knowing that their father is off following his dick, will somehow be easier for the OP to manage?

No.