Page 27 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

Ericaequites · 16/05/2021 16:16

How can you have a child living in your house for ten years without being allowed to discipline her? How do people live like this?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/05/2021 16:23

Ericaequites
Typically parenting doesn’t work when the couple aren’t aligned
And with this girl I’ll fathom a guess she has many issues
Maternal abandonment
Shit dad
Probably very jealous of OPe kids who do have a decent mum

It’s no surprise she is a messed up and angry girl
And horrible to live with

GarkandGookin · 16/05/2021 16:24

I have only read halfway through the thread but am agog that people are advising the OP to let the step-daughter stay. She cannot just 'let her stay'. Officially they are unrelated so it would be classed as private fostering. She needs to tell SS about this. SS may have no problems with it but there would be paperwork and visits required. You can't just house a child you have no rights over, it needs to be documented. Having said that I feel the daughter needs to be with her actual parent, as she will see her half-siblings when he has them EOW and midweek.

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 16:24

I agree with PPs who suggest getting Children's Services involved. In most areas, there are projects that provide supported housing for young people who have no parental support. They learn the skills they need to manage living independently and then they move on to social housing once they are 18 and able to cope.

Children's services will do their utmost to persuade you or her DF to have her live with you though. They don't like having to get involved with older children ime, they like to string things out until the child is 18 and then they're not their responsibility. (I think CAMHS do the same, tbh).

mrstt89 · 16/05/2021 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FortniteBoysMum · 16/05/2021 16:31

I would consider it if you have been there for 10 years. My partner is not my eldest dad but he would never not house him. However without knowing the in and outs I can't really say. Personally I would talk with DSD and set some ground rules for whilst she's under your roof. Weather that's until she moves out with her dad or after. Make it clear mind that your not sure she will be staying but if the rules are broken she goes with her dad no questions asked. You also need to point out he is financially responsible for her solely so that eats everything she needs will fall on him even if under your roof. It sounds like you need to set rules whilst they are in your home then decide howling that is for. You could write him a letter for council saying his homeless if you want them out and they would find temporary housing.

Teaandsymphony123 · 16/05/2021 16:33

Your poor children having to put up with this. It's them I feel sorry for (and you)
The rest isn't your mess.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/05/2021 16:34

Sorry Op, he's only determined his daughter will stay with you for an easy life, he wants to go to his gf and leave you with all the hard work with the children. He has no right to be angry with you, tell him straight, his daughter goes with him or you'll go to SS

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 16:35

@PinkFlamingoo

What do you plan on doing OP 🌸💕

saraclara · 16/05/2021 16:43

OP is not her mother. Had she known her 20 years she would still not be her mother. She has a mother. She also has a father who has known her for 16 years and is still responsible for her.

She doesn’t call OP mum. She doesn’t respect OP as her mum. OP had no say in her dropping out of school and ruining her education. OP isn’t able to discipline her. She steals from OP, verbally abuses her and her children. She trashes OP’s home.

All of that. The three other children will continue to be damaged by her, and at an increased rate if her father has no input into her behaviour. OP has to put her children first. one damaged child is sad enough, but if she stays, her influence on the other three could be dreadful. Apart from anything else, they're seeing her treat their mother like shit. Heaven help her if her own children copy this behaviour.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 16:53

DSD and her Dad can not pull the "You're basically her mum" card over this when they pulled the "You're not her mum" card over the issue of dsd leaving school in year 10.

Time to tell ex to pick her up by X or you'll be forced to talk to Childrens Services as advised by more knowledgeable posters.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 16:55

@PinkFlamingoo what would your ex say if you told him you weren’t doing it and were going to talk this through with social services?

ImInStealthMode · 16/05/2021 16:57

OP is not her Mother, but she did choose to make a home and a family with a Man who had sole custody of a small child. Does that count for no level of responsibility at all? What would have happened to the poor girl if her Dad had fallen under a bus at any point in the last 10 years? Packed off to care because she's not the OP's?

I find the suggestion here that the first born child be cast out from the home she's grown up in as 'someone else's problem' because she's difficult (and who can blame her in this environment?) sickening, to be honest.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 16:58

If his daughter is saying she doesn’t want to move with him, his next move shows the type of father he is...

A) He says ok stay with op and pretends that this is all about his daughter’s wishes, he can’t make her move, he cares about her wishes etc... knowing full well this is how he gets an easy life because he won’t have to lift a finger, put in any effort to give her a stable home himself or provide anything for her.

B) He works hard to provide a happy stable home for his daughter himself, as he should as a father. His daughter moves with him because he’s explained to her that now he and op have split up she is his responsibility and he needs to do his best for her, despite what she says about wanting to live with op.

If he’s A, he’s failing his daughter.
If he’s B, then his daughter stands a chance at being happy.

This is not on the op. The dad needs to welcome his daughter in to his home and do the absolute best he can for her. He shouldn’t be taking the daughter’s word for it because he’s still in charge of his child and responsible for her upbringing.

The best thing for her is to live with her dad so that she knows he gives a shit about her. No matter how much she thinks wants to stay with op. Maybe it’s just the change she is nervous about. She will be ok with her dad providing that he puts the effort in! People on here saying that she should live with the op are actually doing kids like her a huge disservice.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/05/2021 17:01

as 'someone else's problem'

She has a parent. Parent moves out of a house then children normally follow, that is not quite throwing the poor orphan out on the street.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 17:01

@ImInStealthMode

OP is not her Mother, but she did choose to make a home and a family with a Man who had sole custody of a small child. Does that count for no level of responsibility at all? What would have happened to the poor girl if her Dad had fallen under a bus at any point in the last 10 years? Packed off to care because she's not the OP's?

I find the suggestion here that the first born child be cast out from the home she's grown up in as 'someone else's problem' because she's difficult (and who can blame her in this environment?) sickening, to be honest.

What do you think happens when blended families break up?

Dad taking the sd is totally normal behaviour. He would then organize contact between sd and the kids he had with OP.

OP has had limited parental influence on the Dd. She's not considered mum by sd and has had no input into major decisions like leaving school. Leaving sd with OP could worsen sd prospects as she'd be living with the reality that her Dad has also abandoned her and what little boundaries she had would be even weaker.

MSQuinn · 16/05/2021 17:05

Regardless of where she wants to stay, she needs to go with her dad. She can still have a relationship with you and her siblings but it doesn’t sound like her living with you would work as you’ve got so much on your plate and she has her father. Maybe living with just her dad, he’ll be able to sort out what seems like a lot of issues.

jmh740 · 16/05/2021 17:06

I've only skimmed the full thred so I dont know if this has already been mentioned, has she said why she wants to stay with you? I do feel for both of you, this has been her family home for 10 years and it's where her siblings live, moving out I another upheaval for her but dad sounds like he just wants to wash his hands if all responsibilities and start over again, it sounds like she's had a chaotic start to life and needs some boundaries and stability from dad.

thenewduchessofhastings · 16/05/2021 17:07

What an absolute shit he is.

As he's your ex and has a GF I'm assuming there has been some infidelity involved.He wants to swan off with a new woman and abandon all of his children.

It's a tough one.It is her home and your kids are her siblings but you have no legal rights over her and she's no longer your responsibility if he isn't living with you.

Do you think it likely the new woman doesn't want a sulking messy 16 year invading her space.

I'd be firm with him and tell him to concentrate on finding a home for him and his DD.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 17:10

What would have happened to the poor girl if her Dad had fallen under a bus at any point in the last 10 years?

Yes, because that’s a totally comparable situation to the ex just deciding he’d rather go and live with some new woman without the hassle of taking any of his 4 kids with him.

ImInStealthMode · 16/05/2021 17:11

@KatharinaRosalie

as 'someone else's problem'

She has a parent. Parent moves out of a house then children normally follow, that is not quite throwing the poor orphan out on the street.

I appreciate that, but remain baffled that a child who's spent 10 years in the OP's home, and sibling to the OP's children, is now just 'not her problem' despite the girl not wanting to leave the home. Just wash her hands of her and think nothing more of it. It find it bizarre but obviously I'm in the minority.

Obviously adult relationships can be messy, but it's really shit when it so badly impacts children who have no fault in any of it.

frazzledasarock · 16/05/2021 17:11

But the father hasn’t fallen under a bus.

The mans alive and kicking and her father, and should be taking care of his child.

All the insane scenarios are completely beside the point.

Fact
The DSD has a live and kicking father
lots of people move house at various stages of their lives, ‘childhood home’ means nothing here it’s just emotional blackmail shit, a sixteen year old is not joined by an invisible umbilical chord to a house because she’s lived there for ten years.
OP is not DSD’s legal guardian and has no legal rights over the girl
OP has her own DC to think about
OP has her own mental health to take care of of
OP has her own financial limits which do not extend to taking care of an almost adult child who is not related to her indefinitely.
DSD is mean to OP’s DC
DSD has no respect for OP
OP sounds intimidated by DSC

DSC needs to be with her father.

With all the best will in the world none of us could take care of a sixteen year old heading off the rails, especially not one who we have no legal or filial responsibility towards.

It’s easy to say, oh you’re so mean, when you aren’t the one looking at housing and playing skivvy to a girl who may never leave.

saraclara · 16/05/2021 17:12

I find the suggestion here that the first born child be cast out from the home she's grown up in as 'someone else's problem' because she's difficult (and who can blame her in this environment?) sickening, to be honest.

@ImInStealthMode She's her father's firstborn child. Not OP's. And she's his problem, not 'someone else's.

Why are you angry with OP and not her father? When blended families split up the kids go with their natural parent. It's the norm. This situation very much isn't.

Her natural parent in this story is the one letting her down. Not OP.

saraclara · 16/05/2021 17:13

Obviously adult relationships can be messy, but it's really shit when it so badly impacts children who have no fault in any of it.

This situation has the potential to very badly impact OP's children. Do they not count?

Brindisi32 · 16/05/2021 17:16

It's a hard situation. If dsd is unwilling to go to college or get training/job then dad needs to step in to either accommodate her/or help her find other digs. In your shoes, i would tell ex that if he doesn't, you will find a smaller council house swap elsewhere and move away without dsd. Her situation is ripe for disaster like drugs/alcohol/brush with law. You do not have the means to cope with that as you are working and have young children in the house. Does dad pay for any of his daughter's living costs?