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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 16/05/2021 15:26

@PinkFlamingoo He sounds like a bully and it sounds like his DD is learning from his behaviours and trampling all over the family/house rules. As sad as it is OP you do not have to let this girl stay in your home, she needs to be with her dad.

If her dad was serious about providing a stable home for this child he could have investigated a legal way for you to have parental responsibility for this girl when it was clear your relationship was serious, that is what a dutiful parent would have done in the event that he died unexpectedly, he should have secured this girls future. As he didn't he now doesn't get to shrug his shoulders and tell you both that he is off and you have no say in that. It is time to find your anger about how you and your home is being treated, contact social services and get advice, I would say to contact somewhere like Women's Aid too OP, as you seem a bit intimidated by this man and allow him to railroad you, my concern is that he will just fuck off and leave you with this girl with no way of supporting her and then the relevant agencies will talk you into housing and providing for her "in her best interests" ie: one less mess for our agency to handle. You need to act on this today, contact social services, Women's Aid and think about downsizing with the council.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/05/2021 15:29

She was in care when she was younger before the courts granted custody of her to him. As much as I'd like her to go with him I do not want her in care

I don't know if they'd take her into care. Children used to leave the system at 16, though I think it's 18 now.

I can imagine that if she's hard work now, her father's abandonment will make her even angrier and more aggressive. OP doesn't need this sort of behaviour to cope with, especially when there are younger children who are affected by it.

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2021 15:33

This poor child. I feel for you OP, but my heart breaks for this girl and I wonder what the next few years for her will look like.

What's her school achievement like? Any chance she will be moving to college in 1.5 or 2 years time?

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2021 15:34

She's probably being awful to your children just to get some reaction. Hate to say it but it's classic behaviour from a child who feels adrift or unloved - some attention, even negative, is better than none.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/05/2021 15:41

@YukoandHiro

She's probably being awful to your children just to get some reaction. Hate to say it but it's classic behaviour from a child who feels adrift or unloved - some attention, even negative, is better than none.
I agree - the poor girl is going through hell, but it is a hell of her father's making, not the OP'S.

OP has to think of her own mental and physical health, and of the other children.

I'm sure that if the DSD would be courteous and help around the house OP would be able to cope with her, but she is an angry, unhappy child and she's hitting out at everyone around her (as you rightly say - classic behaviour) except the person responsible, her father (again classic desperation).

OP can't and shouldn't have to, cope with this.

Asia98 · 16/05/2021 15:49

So he is moving in with his girlfriend and expects you to look after his child? Crazy.

Although my close friend did this! As bizarre as it sounds, her husband cheated on her and had a lovechild with 'K,' and then because K was working and couldnt function with child her ex husband asked her to look after the child. And yes my friend is still looking after the child!

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 15:50

@Christmasfairy2020

U have looked after her since she was 6. Don't know why you are been so cruel. Poor girl. She wants to stay with you. All this going off will be so hard on her. It isn't like you wont get money for her ffs.
She's no longer in full-time education, so it's likely that the OP wouldn't get any financial support for her.
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2021 15:53

She's probably being awful to your children just to get some reaction

Then the sooner she’s away from OP’s kids the better. They haven’t caused any of this and don’t deserve to the target of this angry teenager’s resentment or sadness.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 15:53

Dsd's behaviour and her future is not going to improve by staying with OP. If dsd had any structure to her life it was because her Dad was her parent. OP has no parental rights legally so is completely powerless. Dsd's dad allowed her to leave school in year 10. There is no way that OP is going to be able to enforce rules and dsd is obviously not going to follow any. She's been allowed by her father to leave school, smoke and do what she likes.

To the people who said Op would get money, Child Benefit ends when you leave education, Child Maintenance is not a lot and OP can't claim UC for dsd because she doesn't have parental rights anyway.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 16/05/2021 15:55

@Asia98

So he is moving in with his girlfriend and expects you to look after his child? Crazy.

Although my close friend did this! As bizarre as it sounds, her husband cheated on her and had a lovechild with 'K,' and then because K was working and couldnt function with child her ex husband asked her to look after the child. And yes my friend is still looking after the child!

Why on earth would a woman put up with this? She may as well have 'doormat' written on her forehead. Sad
ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 15:55

@YukoandHiro

This poor child. I feel for you OP, but my heart breaks for this girl and I wonder what the next few years for her will look like.

What's her school achievement like? Any chance she will be moving to college in 1.5 or 2 years time?

She was allowed to drop out of school in year 10 by her father
saraclara · 16/05/2021 15:59

@YukoandHiro

This poor child. I feel for you OP, but my heart breaks for this girl and I wonder what the next few years for her will look like.

What's her school achievement like? Any chance she will be moving to college in 1.5 or 2 years time?

So many people haven't bothered reading OP's updates.
Booboobibles · 16/05/2021 16:00

I’m not sure. You’ve been mother to this child since she was six years old and she doesn’t see her biological mother so to her, you’re her mum. Also she is your children’s half sister. Surely after ten years you have feelings for this child almost as strong as you have for your biological children?
I’m not a perfect mother be any stretch of the imagination and I’ve done things that I’ve regretted. However, I think she needs to stay with you because you’re her mum.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 16:01

She's probably being awful to your children just to get some reaction

Jeez, do op’s children not matter at all in any of this?
Is this the usual “second children mean nothing” attitude?

The op has a duty as a mum to put her children’s happiness and well-being first, and part of that is for the stepdaughter to not live there. Her children deserve better.

Planty13 · 16/05/2021 16:01

I honestly don’t know how you should go about this OP.

Personally I would let her stay for a couple of years and acknowledge that it would be incredibly hard work. Allowing her to stay in her childhood home with her siblings is the only security she can probably cling to right now. I know she isn’t your responsibility but you took SOME responsibility on when you came into her life. If you shop sharing tobacco with her that would be one way to give her a kick up the bum to either decide to leave or get a job. Same with spends.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 16:02

He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me

Keep saying no-don’t ‘try’ to explain anything, just say it’s not happening and if he leaves her behind and moves out, you will phone social care. He can insist all he likes-it’s still not happening.

Does she still have a S/W if she’s been in the care system?

pissface · 16/05/2021 16:03

Ah, I'm sorry OP, it's a tough situation to be in, I see it from your view, of course you love her and want to see her but her living with you isn't ideal, I think you need to tell her dad that he needs to parent his daughter or say you'll be forced to contact social services, hopefully that will be what he needs to step up to the plate.

threeteenstaximum · 16/05/2021 16:05

OP
You are jumping ahead to what the outcome might be or how you solve it. As you rightly recognise there is a vulnerable 16 year old in this whose sole resident parent is talking about abandoning her. You don't have PR and you are soon to be a single parent with 3 young children, her half siblings, yourself

This is exactly what Children services are for. Ring them on Monday and ask for a referral for her as a Child in Need , that you want what is best for her but feel unable to parent her on your own. Stay in your own HA property, let him leave.

CSD will talk with her and support her through this, be kind but honest that she doesn't listen to you and you feel an expert should be involved to ensure she is properly taken care of. CSD can arrange for her to be housed if he doesn't or they may talk to you about a foster arrangement if suitable- which may come with funding . I bet he steps up when CSD get involved to ask why he plans to no longer house his minor child.

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 16:05

"To the people who said Op would get money, Child Benefit ends when you leave education, Child Maintenance is not a lot and OP can't claim UC for dsd because she doesn't have parental rights anyway"

UC only requires that a child "normally" lives with you, you don't have to have parental rights or anything to get the child element for them.

But they have to be in education, I think it's at least 12 hours pw in education for a 16-year old. It can be vocational or academic.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2021 16:08

@Booboobibles

I’m not sure. You’ve been mother to this child since she was six years old and she doesn’t see her biological mother so to her, you’re her mum. Also she is your children’s half sister. Surely after ten years you have feelings for this child almost as strong as you have for your biological children? I’m not a perfect mother be any stretch of the imagination and I’ve done things that I’ve regretted. However, I think she needs to stay with you because you’re her mum.
OP is not her mother. Had she known her 20 years she would still not be her mother. She has a mother. She also has a father who has known her for 16 years and is still responsible for her.

She doesn’t call OP mum. She doesn’t respect OP as her mum. OP had no say in her dropping out of school and ruining her education. OP isn’t able to discipline her. She steals from OP, verbally abuses her and her children. She trashes OP’s home.

Your post is utterly ridiculous.

threeteenstaximum · 16/05/2021 16:09

So you don't have to have the answer. Ask for help. As an ex gf, with her half siblings, the limit of your role with this DSD is to keep up contact with your DCs if DSD wants.

ExDP is not thinking straight. He can ask to be rehoused or move in with his new gf with his DD and she can visit regularly to see your DC. / he can facilitate that contact between half siblings. He may be thinking it is easier and better for her, but it won't be as she will no longer have her parent around- left with an ex of her fathers that she doesn't respect or listen to. That isn't healthy for her

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 16/05/2021 16:11

Tell your useless ex either SD goes with him or you will be contacting social services and reporting him for child abandonment, and follow through with this threat, or you don't you are storing up a whole heap of trouble for you and your own DC.

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 16:13

I've just looked it up and DSD might claim Universal Credit in her own right, as a young person "without parental support".

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 16:15

@PinkFlamingoo what is your ex waiting for? Why hasn’t he moved out yet?

Babyroobs · 16/05/2021 16:15

I feel really sorry for your dsd in all this. Presumably not wanted by her mum, her dad or you right now. I appreciate her behaviour is unreasonable but that is just teenagers to be some extent. I do understand you not wanting the stress though, so she needs to go with her dad. I'm guessing maybe his new gf doesn't want her there either?

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