To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

@Christmasfairy2020

U have looked after her since she was 6. Don't know why you are been so cruel. Poor girl. She wants to stay with you. All this going off will be so hard on her. It isn't like you wont get money for her ffs.

It isn't like you wont get money for her ffs

What does this even mean?!

And regardless, do you really think having read the OP's posts throughout the thread that money is the primary issue?

I'd also tell her your going to give up smoking.
So she needs a job to fund herself.
I think she will be allowed to sue her dad for CSA if she goes to collage.

@MissM2912

Ricki- my point is at 16 she can choose not live with her parents and leave home. There is no legal obligation for her to stay with her dad or mother If she doesn’t want to.

Not ideal though, is it? Not easy either. Can’t hold a tenancy in own name until she’s 18. Ditto all credit agreements, including a lot of utilities, such as phones.

It’s really very flippant and twitty of you to just say “ She doesn’t have to go with her father- she is 16. She can get married!”

Can you imagine what it feels like to have to try to go it alone at 16 because nobody wants you?

@Whythesadface

I'd also tell her your going to give up smoking. So she needs a job to fund herself. I think she will be allowed to sue her dad for CSA if she goes to collage.

I think that inky an option in Scotland, isn’t it?

@RantyAnty

This is one of the saddest threads I've read in a long time.

This poor girl. Abandoned by her druggie mother. Neglected and unwanted by her father and his gf.
No wonder she is acting out. The father is probably a druggie/drunk too. Birds of a feather.

Yup.

@MissM2912

She doesn’t have to go with her father- she is 16. She can get married!

Till she’s eighteen it is still child abandonment and the father can face legal consequences for it.

@SeaShoreGalore

Speak to social services about foster care?

She was in care when she was younger before the courts granted custody of her to him. As much as I'd like her to go with him I do not want her in care

Ricki have you read my previous posts??

Frazzled he isn’t abandoning her- she doesn’t want to live with him.

OP you don’t have explain anything to him. She’s not your responsibility. He is trying to bully you in to taking care of his kid whilst he skips off with a new women.

Why was he still living there any way of you’d just split up? Sounds like he waited to find another sucker to take him in

I've had pupils who have been homed independently at sixteen due to family breakdown. Social services might be able to put her somewhere of her own.

I really feel for you op. You really are stuck between a rock and hard place and your twat of an ex knows this.

She was in care when she was younger before the courts granted custody of her to him. As much as I'd like her to go with him I do not want her in care

You’re giving her tobacco because you’re scared of her, you don’t like her and don’t want her living with you.

Her dad is the one with actual PR. He allowed her to drop out of education with no alternative plan. He doesn’t want her either and is trying to abandon her.

She is entitled to some support from somewhere.

@MissM2912

Frazzled he isn’t abandoning her- she doesn’t want to live with him.

It’s child abandonment she’s not an adult and OP has no parental rights over her.

You can’t walk out and leave your child wherever just because they don’t want to go with you.

frazzled- his relationship with the step mother has broken down. Yes in theory he can physically force her to come with him. But she at that point can and is likely to refuse.

OP, just no way. No. Her dad is the one that needs to ‘step up’ FFS. He is her actual parent. I can’t believe anyone on here thinks you’re unreasonable when all you’ve done is committed the MN crime of being a stepmother. How is ANY of it your responsibility?

FWIW, it would be very difficult if she needed parent/guardian to sign for anything etc. I used to work in an education setting (16-19 yolds) and there was one student who’d lost both their parents. Their older sibling became their official guardian but then also passed away. The DM of one of their friends used to ring if they were ill or anything but their response was “It needs to be an official guardian”. It’s a nightmare, not as big as the one he lived through but admin-wise.

@RantyAnty

This is one of the saddest threads I've read in a long time.

This poor girl. Abandoned by her druggie mother. Neglected and unwanted by her father and his gf.
No wonder she is acting out. The father is probably a druggie/drunk too. Birds of a feather.

Her dad isn't a drinker or a druggie. Just an arsehole

Oh god what a mess. My entire sympathy here is with the DSD.

After a rough start she's lived in a secure family home as part of a family unit since the age of 6, and yet now the relationship has broken down (through no fault of hers) she just gets that ripped out from under her?

Her siblings get to stay together in the family home but she's cast out?

I can fully understand why she wants to stay in the stable home, even though she could obviously go with her Dad (a point that many PPs appear to have missed).

I find it really hard to imagine having lived with a child for 10 years and caring so little about their welfare, even if they are difficult. Will your own DC make you this stressed when they act up as teens OP? What if they're messy and lazy? Will they be asked to leave too?

She's 16. In a few more years she'll be flying the nest anyway, but snatching her home out from under her now could well do serious damage.

Both adults in this situation need to knock their heads together and concentrate on what's best for the children they raised together.

*He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me^

Then he's a complete cunt. He now seems to see his oldest DD as an encumbrance of some sort that he can just abandon when he flits off to his new life.

You may have to get children's services involved after all, if he's refusing point blank to take her with him. There's no way you can reasonably be expected to care for a child that's not yours and who is vile to your children.

I am going to assume that the ex with not have room in his new love nest for any of his children.

OP,

YOUR responsibility is to YOUR children that you had with this asshole.

NOT his children that he had with other women.

This is a sad situation for this girl however it is not your responsibility.

Her arsehole of a father wants to swan off his girlfriend and leave you his litter to sort out.

You need protecting from him and his daughter, you are being used.

All hell will break loose if you don't give her tobacco......not your problem.

She is old enough to act out and behave badly, she is old enough to stay with her father.

He thinks he can bully you.

Call SS, call the police, but she has no right to YOUR home.

You say you are at breaking point.
Where will YOUR children end up if you do have a breakdown?

Protect your children by protecting yourself.

When giving his daughter the option of coming with him, or staying with you, I wonder if she was made aware of which option he preferred. The question may have been asked in a way that made it clear he preferred to leave her behind.

It doesn't sound like living without any rules or any progress in her own development will help the ex's daughter. He needs to take responsibility for the wellbeing of his daughter. Imagine being the only person with parental responsibility over a child in a difficult and critical situation and still prioritising your own promiscuity ahead of them. Indeed, jumping ship completely.

My anger has shifted from the father to the posters of this thread , who have let me know that women don't really stand a chance in this world.

Not sure if it's legal for a child for whom you don't have legal responsibility to live with you. I think you may have to contact social services or a family lawyer for information.

She's not your responsibility.

I feel for her - she must feel so alone - but that isn't your concern. You have 3 other children to think of, she is hard to handle (probably because her dad dumps her like a bag of rubbish whenever it suits him), and she is unkind to the others - she needs to leave,

Never mind "This is her home", tell him "You are her parent. I'm not".

Yes, she's young, but she could legally marry at 16, and can legally live on her own if necessary. Send her to her dad.