To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

I'd tell him that she isn't your daughter and if he leaves her with you, you will treat her as any other abandoned child and call police and social services.

@Crowsaregreat

OP do you want to maintain contact with her if she lives with your ex? I know she's a pain at the moment but wouldn't it be sad to lose touch with someone you've basically raised?

If it was me, I'd insist she lived with ex but have a regular time to invite her round so she doesn't lose her old home completely. Like having dinner once a week etc. Is she close to her siblings?

Of course I would, she would always be welcome for a visit. I'd never in a million years wash my hands of her completely.

Blimey, I don't even know what I would do in this situation, the only certainty is your STBX is a fucking cunt.

I think the first thing I would do is sit with DSD and ask her why she wants to stay. The fact she would prefer to stay with you speaks volumes, it's either because:
A) she knows she will get an easy ride/closer to mates etc.
B) because she sees you as more of a parent than her dad.

Getting to the bottom of that would be crucial for my decision making. If she wants to stay for reason B then I would be considering having a leveller with her, setting some ground rules and going in on a trial basis with the understanding that she must leave if shit doesn't change.

If A, I would hold firm, you aren't a hotel.

You're in a hard spot OP, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I can't believe your ex is willing to walk away from his 16 year old daughter and start a new life, leaving her feeling second after his. Decisions made at this time could potentially impact her for the rest of her life. I know the responsibility falls on her dad but my dilemma would be:

"Do I dig my heels in because he's a cunt and she is his legal responsibility"

Or

"Do I attempt to carry on mothering this kid in the hope she changes if it's the right thing for her"

If I did agree to let her stay, I would be making it very clear it was subject to conditions and relative to change should she not uphold her end of the bargain.

If I decided she couldn't stay, I would be having that conversation with her myself rather than leaving it to her dad.

I would also (depending on age) see what the other kids think.

I just don't even know OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you and I'm heart sorry for this young girl too .

I'd tell DSD.
You want to stay here, new rules.
Collage. Pay as you go mobile.
No friends over.
There will be no pocket money.
No wine. No take away.
That she does all her own washing.
Make a great long list of it all and talk often about it.
Dd says she wants to stay as you care about her, and she knows it. Which is better than a dad who doesn't seem to care.

@roarfeckingroarr

This sounds so chaotic. All of it. A child allowed to drop out of school with no qualifications. Complicated family arrangements, including druggy parent and disinterested father. Tobacco lying around for a child to take. Alcohol surely top of OP is cleaning up red wine that isn't hers.

Poor kid. But still not your responsibility OP. I just hope the other (3?4?) don't end up the same.

This funny thing is, I was against her dropping out of school but it wasn't anything to do with me as she's not my child. The tobacco is kept away from dc but dsd took up smoking from the age of 14 and I'm basically forced to share mine with her otherwise all hell breaks loose and I'm the bad person yet again! As for the wine. I have no idea where she got it from but I'm guessing her friends bought it along with them behind my back. Wouldn't be the first time!

The father should be considering his DD’s needs.

The OP has no business really doing anything for her. As the biological fathers ex-girlfriend the OP has no rights over the girl.

I could give my own kids a bollocking if they left red wine on the floor, I could ground them, I could dock the replacement/rug cleanings price from their pocket money. Can’t imagine OP being able to discipline a belligerent teen almost into adulthood, with any kind of success.

And how on earth is OP meant to financially support this girl?

This is not the OP’s responsibility morally, or legally.

Can just imagine they posters hand wringing about the morality of expecting a DSC to go with her biological parent leaving the family home, if DSM came on here wanting to have a say and rights over the girls education, medical and discipline over the biological fathers.
They’d be falligg by over themselves to tell OP she’s not the mother blah blah.

None of the posts trying to guilt OP are anything to do with OP. The father should be thinning about the minimum disruption to his child, the father should be reassuring her he loves her and making plans to find suitable housing for them both, the father should be discussing access with his younger DC so all his DC can have contact and not lose touch or for their sibling relationship to suffer.

This is all on the father.

Hopefully he’s had a vasectomy, he really should not have any more children.

Speak to social services about foster care?

What a Prince. Troubled daughter. Then goes on to have 3 more kids. You’ve both got yourselves in a right pickle. You’re not legally responsible for your dsd. But you are responsible for bringing 3 siblings upon a child, who needed a lot of care.

Of course her father wants her to stay with you. His new woman won’t want to parent a bleigerent teen. And they’ll both want to be shagging each other’s brain’s out without a having to think about parenting a child.

Tell him and your DSD they’re both moving out. You are not her mother you cannot take care of her.

Tell your ex you’ll report him to social services if he attempts to abandon his child

Ok I have been this child before I had to live with my dads ex and her kids and my half siblings I hated it showed my dad didn't want me maybe saw him once a month then ss got back involved and ubhad to go live with my df, if I was you I would downsize your house as its council go and try and get a mutual exchange to a 3 bed and then no bedroom tax also go for cms straight away, also you wouldn't be able to get any of the benefits for the teen as you don't have parental responsibility, I woukd tonight sit down with her and explain she has until her dad moves to show improved behaviour with rules going back into education ect or she goes with him, if he packs up and leaves with out her contact social services and they will get involved and help you and his dd it may be she will be removed into care she is not your responsibility though

@TheThermalStair

If a parent leaves their 16 year old behind, would social services get involved?

Yes, it is child abandonment.

Frazzle what do you think social services will do to him? Why would this be a threat?

Having read all of your posts, I agree, DSD needs to move with her Dad.

Out of curiosity, was he proposing to pay you maintenance for DSD as well as your 3 kids?

My point is he won’t be ‘punished’. They will simply arrange for the daughter to enter the youth homeless system. They won’t make him take her.

Sounds like she's not got any boundaries.

Her behaviour is ultimately her dads fault. Children are supposed to be in education until they're 18, how has he not received some kind of fine?

If you have no say in how she is disciplined then how can you be expected to take that role now?

He's obviously never enforced discipline and she's been allowed to do whatever, which has resulted in her being unmanageable. Think that horse has bolted.

She wants to stay with you, over her dad, how does that not make him feel like utter shit? What does that say about him as a parent?

He really is an utter pig.

His child not yours. She moves in with him.

You don’t have parental responsibility so she HAS to go with her father. You are totally correct to tell her and him this. He can’t just dump his Dd on you! And hide the baccy! Who cares if she kicks off? Tell her to start earning if she wants something.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read in a long time.

This poor girl. Abandoned by her druggie mother. Neglected and unwanted by her father and his gf.
No wonder she is acting out. The father is probably a druggie/drunk too. Birds of a feather.

She doesn’t have to go with her father- she is 16. She can get married!

Crikey - You could be stuff with her for years - early 20s or so until she decides to moves out. Given that you have no authority over her it will only get worse when dad moves out.

I think you need to explain to her what the rules will be when he moves out.

Talk to SS. You are no legal responsibility. What happens if something goes wrong? You are not next-of-kin.

The tobacco is kept away from dc but dsd took up smoking from the age of 14 and I'm basically forced to share mine with her otherwise all hell breaks loose and I'm the bad person yet again!

That’s one of the most batshit things I’ve ever read on MN.

You need social services input here, regardless of where the poor girl ends up living. She’s not had any proper parenting from anybody and she’s acting out accordingly.

@MissM2912

She doesn’t have to go with her father- she is 16. She can get married!

Ricki- my point is at 16 she can choose not live with her parents and leave home. There is no legal obligation for her to stay with her dad or mother If she doesn’t want to.

She's chaotic and disrespectful. She goes with her father if she wants to continue living with a parent. He is her parent.

Make it clear to him that his daughter will be leaving with him, end of.

U have looked after her since she was 6. Don't know why you are been so cruel. Poor girl. She wants to stay with you. All this going off will be so hard on her. It isn't like you wont get money for her ffs.