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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 16/05/2021 13:46

Be firm with him - he has to take her with him and there's no room for discussion.

Original poster
PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 13:47

@Howshouldibehave

OP, don’t listen to the posters here who would have you make yourself unhappy just so your ex can shirk any responsibility

Completely agree.

There is only one person here who needs to ‘step up’ and it’s not the OP!

What did your DH say when you told him he needed to take his daughter with him? Or were you so shocked you didn’t say it?

He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me
OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 16/05/2021 13:47

I expect she wants to stay because you’re too busy working and looking after 3 kids to deal with her behaviour so she can do whatever she likes. Have you traditionally been the one to discipline her and liaise with school etc? Or has that been Dad? She does sound very troubled, specialist foster parents actually might be the best option for her but is it too late for that?

Diamondnights · 16/05/2021 13:49

It might be worth looking into the wording of the court order. If it states that DSD must legally stay with her father, it is out of your hands, you cannot have her stay with you. Might get to the outcome you (reasonably!) want but less confrontationally.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/05/2021 13:49

He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me

I'd call social services, tbh. He doesn't get to insist or have none of it. He gets 'nasty' you call the police. She's his child. Where is he now?

Crowsaregreat · 16/05/2021 13:49

OP do you want to maintain contact with her if she lives with your ex? I know she's a pain at the moment but wouldn't it be sad to lose touch with someone you've basically raised?

If it was me, I'd insist she lived with ex but have a regular time to invite her round so she doesn't lose her old home completely. Like having dinner once a week etc. Is she close to her siblings?

roarfeckingroarr · 16/05/2021 13:50

This sounds so chaotic. All of it. A child allowed to drop out of school with no qualifications. Complicated family arrangements, including druggy parent and disinterested father. Tobacco lying around for a child to take. Alcohol surely top of OP is cleaning up red wine that isn't hers.

Poor kid. But still not your responsibility OP. I just hope the other (3?4?) don't end up the same.

thereisnohelp · 16/05/2021 13:52

Sorry, only got to page 11 but.....
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously: My DS' girlfriend lives with us - her mother left the family home and her stepdad (who had her in his life since she was a toddler) threw her out.

To all those crying misogyny(!) do you feel the above stepfather did the right thing? Would you all cheer him on and say 'good for you, mate, she wasn't your responsibility anyway. You need to concentrate on your own life How dare people think you owe her anything at al. The mother needs to step up and if not, well tough, call SS and arrange foster carel'?

I am not saying the father isn't a shit. I am not saying he shouldn't step up and that we do as a society hold women to a higher standard. I am not even saying OP has to keep her on if she really can't cope and doesn't want her (won't be nice for the stepdaughter anyway). But to say so fiercely and with such conviction that the OP has absolutely no moral responsibility for this child who has lived under the same roof with her, been part of the family, shares blood with her half-siblings must take a special sort of ice-cold heart.

Unsubscribed · 16/05/2021 13:53

He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me

OP you are going to need to be really strong and firm here. It will be far from pleasant but ex and DSD need to leave together, at the same time, end of. Please do not be fobbed off with any DSD will follow on later arrangement as it is unlikely to happen

RoseBearx · 16/05/2021 13:54

OP, you say that the dad would take her if she expressed that she wanted to go with him. He’s only wanting you to have her because she refuses to leave your house.

Have you considered that perhaps she is doing this because she WANTS her dad to fight for her? It might even be subconsciously. I think she’s crying out for her dad to insist she comes with him, and yet he’s just being flippant about it.

Bambam2019 · 16/05/2021 13:55

Ahhh a sad situation for your SD and not really a winning outcome for her. On one hand she goes with her useless selfish father, and probably feels unwanted, or she stays in her childhood home, but also feels unwanted. Ultimately it is not your responsibility to care for her though OP. I do think her father should explain the reason though, that you are not her legal guardian, otherwise she will have the “nobody wants me” narrative.
Does his new GF has children? Presumably he is happy to play happy families there?

Although my partner grew up with his father and step mother from a young age. She has two children, then there is also my partner and his sister.
When my partners dad split from his step mum my partner was 21 and had already moved out after uni but his sister was 17 and still in 6th form and she stayed with the step mother. She had grown up there and the step mother had been a motherly figure to her. They had a good understanding though and she was respectful of the family home that she grew up in, so a bit different.
She should go with her father, hopefully he isn’t a total arse and moves her to a new home where she has to move schools etc. Has he made an effort to make a plan about contact with the children you share together?

TheresHope · 16/05/2021 13:57

For all intents and purposes, if the DSD lived with the OP, she wouldn’t be a ‘child’. She would be a lazy housemate who didn’t contribute, didn’t work, didn’t go to school, stole the OP’s stuff, made a mess for the OP to clean up...
And as she is not the OP’s child, OP has no parental responsibility and could do jack shit about it.

You all volunteering to have someone like that move in with you and your children? Whilst you’re in the middle of a break up, having to support your own children through their father moving out, and struggling to cope? No? Didn’t think so.

Notaroadrunner · 16/05/2021 13:58

He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me

He doesn't get to decide that she stays with you though, so he can be as insistent as he wants but it's your decision. You have decided she is not staying. So that's the end of it. Him being nasty to you does him no favours. Is he really so thick to assume that if he's bullying you into keeping her that you will give in?

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 13:58

OP you're going to have to tell your ex that he needs to take her or talk to SS about what happens next. You have no parental authority (legally or in practice) and it sounds like there would be no end date for her living with you eg uni, end of school year. She needs her Dad whether she realises it or not.

This is the risk with blended families and sadly her Dad's behaviour means she will have to move with him.

RoseBearx · 16/05/2021 14:01

@TheresHope

That’s all well and good, but I think you’ll find that she is literally a child, by the very definition of the word. OP doesn’t have responsibility for her but I think it’s a moral responsibility to at least make sure it’s handled sensitively. OP needs to take it up with the ex (and it sounds like that’s what she’s doing) so that he deals with the DD, rather than packing the DD’s bags in front of her and demanding she goes which would be traumatising.

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2021 14:02

Council house in your name as you get the housing benefit? So she has no right to be there. I’m afraid I’d be harsh and tell her she’s going with your ex, as her dad, obviously. It’s the only solution, no choice, she’s going with him, you’re not her parent.

cuparfull · 16/05/2021 14:03

Wow, just wow! She's her fathers daughter in every way!
You tell her straight.... either she shapes up or ships out. You have no parental authority over her so she's his to manage.

She sounds frankly disrespectful and has been allowed to get away with behaving badly.

RoseBearx · 16/05/2021 14:07

I’ll say it again, it’s quite clear to me that she wants and needs the ex to fight for her! He needs to tell her that as her father, he could never move out without her.

Him just going “Alright, stay here then, I’ll talk OP round” has likely made her feel very rejected.

notthemum · 16/05/2021 14:09

No way are you unreasonable. He has had you looking after his child for all this time and he he expects you to continue.
No. Bollocks to that. She is his his kid. Doesn't matter what he wants or even what she wants I'm afraid. She is not a nice person. She is not your child. She is not your responsibility Don't row/argue. Tell them both together that she cannot live with you. Do not let them or anyone else bully you into it. The answer is NO. If he starts screaming, shouting, threatening, call the police and have him removed. When they arrive tell them that the 16 year old that is not your child, no relative of yours and you have no parental responsibility for cannot stay in your house. She will have to find a friend or they will have to find her a hostel for tonight and she will have to present to the council tomorrow morning.

malikaqi · 16/05/2021 14:09

This is a difficult situation as yours is the only home she's known. However her father is responsible for her. It's sounds as if she is not in education, employment or training. I would talk to social services about child abandonment because legally you do not have parental responsibility and in the event of any accidents, trouble with police or illness you are not her parent.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/05/2021 14:10

The OP's working poor. She can't claim anything for the SD. How is she supposed to support her? The ex will pay FA for his kids.

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2021 14:12

You need to be crystal clear with him.

She cannot stay with you. He must move out with her as soon as possible.

If he attempts to leave her he will be making her homeless, and you will tell SS that.

HE will be making her homeless, OP, not you. She lives WITH HIM. She does not live with you. She lives with him and if he chooses not to house her he is making her homeless.

OccaChocca · 16/05/2021 14:13

It sounds like you have enough on your plate without a 16 year old who isn't in education/won't work. If you had a good relationship with her it might be a different story.

I would make him take her. You already have three of his kids. Why should you accommodate one who isn't even yours?

Women need to start putting their needs first otherwise men will always view us as being the fall back, picking up the slack, doing it all, etc. etc.

TheThermalStair · 16/05/2021 14:15

If a parent leaves their 16 year old behind, would social services get involved?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/05/2021 14:15

But to say so fiercely and with such conviction that the OP has absolutely no moral responsibility for this child who has lived under the same roof with her, been part of the family, shares blood with her half-siblings must take a special sort of ice-cold heart.

It takes a seriously ice cold heart to shame a woman who is obviously poor, who's being dumped with 3 children and no support already, whose STBX is 'really nasty' to her for having low 'moral responsibility' for this girl on top of all that.

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