To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP if she wants to stay I think at 16 you can sit her down and have a discussion about house rules - so when her dad and you were living together, he was responsible for the rules she had to follow (because parent overrules stepparent). But now dad is moving out you and in charge and that means she will have to follow your house rules or choose to go and live with dad instead. You can make it very clear that if she fails to follow these rules she will be leaving to live with her dad instead. I would say that the house rules apply until she’s 18 when you will review them if she’s still living with you. (Curfew might change to a courtesy text to say if she’s coming home or staying out for example) I’d include basic stuff about doing her own laundry and keeping her room at an acceptable level of cleanliness (eg no food left in room to attract rodents) I’d also include a curfew - maybe 10pm weekdays and midnight on Friday and Saturday or whatever you feel is suitable. You need rules about friends and probably a zero tolerance rule for alcohol being drunk by underage teens in your house - you’re not her parents so you could be in a legal mess if you supply her with alcohol or tobacco. You could make it like a contract if you like. Obviously it wouldn’t be legally binding. Your DSD could help write it. Get her to think about the impact of things on her younger siblings. You could include stuff that you promise to do for her too. - like make dinner for her as well as you and the younger kids, or provide space for her and a friend or two to regularly study together relatively uninterrupted by her younger siblings (covid allowing). - perhaps on Saturday afternoons when you like to take them to the park or something similar.
You also need clear and detailed financial support for her from her dad. So he should calculate child maintenance by including her as a way of contributing to general household costs and then also pay for all her individual expenses -like a phone contract, any public transport tickets or passes she needs, school uniform/trips/stationary/sports or music stuff that she does, and maybe an allowance for clothes/toiletries and trips out with friends that she handles herself.

I think you have to stand your ground OP. Make it clear to both DP and DSD that she will be moving with him. Obviously reassure the girl that she is welcome to come and visit you and her siblings. I'm not sure it has been mentioned but what arrangements have been made for the other 3 DC to see their DF once he's left? He'll have to find a big enough place to accommodate them so having his DD with him won't be a problem

@billy1966.

This is completely fucking hyperbolic, and a pretty disgusting suggestion. There has been a absolutely 0 indication that this girl is a physical danger to OP and her siblings. She’s a stroppy stubborn teenager but ffs, OP packing her bags while she’s still settled in the house, demanding her father come round so she can get rid of her ASAP, and calling the police if she doesn’t go? It has been her home for 10 years! She is a CHILD. OP shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility for her but this has to be handled sensitively. OP can’t just pack her bags and say “I’ve packed your bags so fuck off, your dad is on the way. If you don’t go I’ll call the police.”

You are not being unreasonable OP. Your DSD shows you no respect at all and is unkind to her half siblings. Your responsibility is to them.

Tell her and Ex you don't legally have parental responsibility for DSD, so she cannot stay with you, so her dad needs to make appropriate arrangements for her.

Op. Chuck him out, he can rent a bedsit with his doughter

@Bluntness100

Op what do you mean leave her with you?

You all live together. Are you saying he is moving out and leaving his daughter living in the current home? Or are you saying he’s off out for the night? It’s really not clear?

Moving out and leaving her with me

@TheresHope

if the ex looked after his daughter when her mother became unable to, he has some kindly traits

I just laughed so fucking hard.

I’ve looked after my child too when her father fucked off. No one has ever described it as a “kindly trait”.

Oh far out the bar is low for men isn’t it 😂😂😂

Unreal isn't it?! I almost can't believe comments like that are real but sadly it seems they are.

Having read your update, OP - tell Ex he can move out with DSD.

She is NOT your responsibility and she doesn't respect you.

Boarding school??? Only on Mumsnet would someone read a discussion about homelessness and benefits system and living in a council house and suggest boarding school. I am sure the dad has a spare 30k per year to send her off to board

This! Some of this thread is absolutely batshit!

Well.of course she wants to stay with you, sounds like she's Iivinv the life of riley with zero accountability for what sounds like atrocious behaviour.. If she's old enough to opt to leave education she's old enough to get her life together and this enablement is just encouraging her feckless ways.

Also easy to see why ex doesn't want her either, far easier for you to deal with her

YANBU and you should kick them to the kerb together

@Bellringer

Op. Chuck him out, he can rent a bedsit with his doughter

You sound absolutely delightful.

He’s leaving anyway. The dispute is about where his 16 year old DD will live, but only a really weird person would think a 16 YO girl should share a bed sit with her dad.

OP please don’t feel guilty or anything. She is his responsibility, she is old enough to recognise that her not being able to stay is a result of her behaviour. 16 is young in the grand scheme of things but it is old enough to see you have enough on your plate and she isn’t helping herself. Does she have any grandparents or anything that might be willing to take her?

Crikey what a tough situation!

Its made harder by the fact that she refuses to do anything etc.

Personally if it was me I would give her an ultimatum - if she wants to stay then she has to attend college or obtain a job, she helps out around the house and your ex also pays for her upkeep as well. If she refuses to do so or only does a week then back to her old habits then she goes with her dad!

Sheesh. He's a class act, isn't he? So he gets to move in with his new gf, and you're the sap who looks after his kid? wow. No bloody way, would be my answer. He has custody, so I reckon it's time for him to step up and be a proper Dad. Don't let him guilt-trip you.

@Babyiskickingmyribs

OP if she wants to stay I think at 16 you can sit her down and have a discussion about house rules - so when her dad and you were living together, he was responsible for the rules she had to follow (because parent overrules stepparent). But now dad is moving out you and in charge and that means she will have to follow your house rules or choose to go and live with dad instead. You can make it very clear that if she fails to follow these rules she will be leaving to live with her dad instead. I would say that the house rules apply until she’s 18 when you will review them if she’s still living with you. (Curfew might change to a courtesy text to say if she’s coming home or staying out for example) I’d include basic stuff about doing her own laundry and keeping her room at an acceptable level of cleanliness (eg no food left in room to attract rodents) I’d also include a curfew - maybe 10pm weekdays and midnight on Friday and Saturday or whatever you feel is suitable. You need rules about friends and probably a zero tolerance rule for alcohol being drunk by underage teens in your house - you’re not her parents so you could be in a legal mess if you supply her with alcohol or tobacco. You could make it like a contract if you like. Obviously it wouldn’t be legally binding. Your DSD could help write it. Get her to think about the impact of things on her younger siblings. You could include stuff that you promise to do for her too. - like make dinner for her as well as you and the younger kids, or provide space for her and a friend or two to regularly study together relatively uninterrupted by her younger siblings (covid allowing). - perhaps on Saturday afternoons when you like to take them to the park or something similar. You also need clear and detailed financial support for her from her dad. So he should calculate child maintenance by including her as a way of contributing to general household costs and then also pay for all her individual expenses -like a phone contract, any public transport tickets or passes she needs, school uniform/trips/stationary/sports or music stuff that she does, and maybe an allowance for clothes/toiletries and trips out with friends that she handles herself.

That would be great if the OP wanted her to stay, and wanted to take on that responsibility. But she doesn't!

@LizzieW1969

*Surely the dad needs to say 'I'm sorry the relationship with op has not worked out, but I'm your parent and you'll be living with me no question. You'll still see siblings all the time as they'll spend time at our new place'.*

^This with bells on. Surely the plan will be for the DSD’s dad to have her younger siblings to stay some of the time???

Absolutely this!

When parents split, the children go from having 1 home to having 2 homes.

It is up to him to make a new home for his 4 children when they are with him.

For your DSD, that will be her new home. For your children together, that will be their home when they're with their dad.

The ex needs to put his foot down with the DD and demand that she is coming with him. It shouldn’t be on OP to be fretting about what’s happening with her. The ex should see that OP’s priority are her 3 young DC.

The ex needs to make it clear to the DD that staying with the OP ISN’T an option. She’s a child and he needs to take the choice away from her. All this wishy washy “But OP she wants to stay” and OP refusing (which she has every right to do) is going to cause the poor girl so much more grief in the long run.

Ex needs to look into why the DD isn’t wanting to go with him, other than the typical reasons of it being her home for years. People have to move sometimes, that’s normal but shouldn’t be a big enough reason to stop her going. Is it because she doesn’t want to life with the OW?

She's not in education, she dropped out of school when she was in year 10 because she couldn't be bothered with it.
She refuses to go to college or do anything for herself, she was offered a job in a family members salon where she worked for one day and never went back because it was 'boring'.
She stays awake all night and sleeps all day then gets up in the evenings, helps herself to tobacco (not that she can afford to smoke).
I have to take the kids to school, go to work and then after finishing work and picking them back up I need to clean the house, a majority of which is her own mess. I could ask her over and over again to clean up after herself but she just doesn't and I get fed up and do it!!

Op, please please do the right thing by your children.
I understand she is troubled, but your interests are with your children. Your children will go the same way emotionally if they have to live with her influence day in day out. Their mum is affected by her, which will in turn affect them absolutely without a shadow of a doubt.

My children have a lovely older sibling, but I know their lives would be altered negatively if my former stepchild suddenly came to live with me and my children. I hate to think what it would be like in your position with a very troubled teen.

Your children come first.

What billy said. She's not a package deal, either, the OP isn't married to the ex. He is the parent. He cannot swan off with his side chick and expect the OP to parent his child.

I hate bold fails 🙄

Just seen your update.
If she's not in school then yanbu to say that she lives with Dad immediately.
It's sad that she won't be near friends but if that's important then Dad can buy or rent in your area.

I feel sorry for the girl. The adults in her life have clearly failed her. She should never have been allowed to behave as she does. Somehow I have a feeling that she hasn't had the benefit of a loving but firm up-bringing and good role models.

You don't have the kind of relationship where you are essentially her adoptive mother, so obviously she should live with her father. It's just a terrible shame for anyone to know that they're viewed as an unwanted inconvenience by their parents and other parental figures. It's also a shame that there are three other children soaking all this up...

Eviesmum- the life of Riley? Really? She has no adults who wants her, she has no job, no school, no money, a mother who is a drug addict and abandoned her and nothing actually positive at all in her life? And doesn’t even know where she is going to be living. Is it any wonder she is angry and drinking and smoking.
I am astounded at the lack of understanding about the impact a dysfunctional family actually has.

Op i hope that you realise from this thread that it isn't you being unreasonable.

I feel incredibly sorry for your dsd but she is in this situation because of her father.

Good luck.