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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
mainsfed · 16/05/2021 13:01

The bar for men is so low that a slug would struggle to limbo underneath it.

💯

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/05/2021 13:04

@mainsfed

The bar for men is so low that a slug would struggle to limbo underneath it.

💯

God, yes. You see it ever day - a woman with no kids takes up a useless sperm donor manchild and his kids and does all the donkey work for him.
Misseasteregg · 16/05/2021 13:04

I have no practical advice but how horrible of him. You shouldn’t be pressured into this at all

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/05/2021 13:08

@81Byerley

You have been a mother figure to this girl for what to her is forever. (My husband met my grandson when he was six, and my Grandson was very surprised to find out when he was 15 that Grandad hadn't always been there.) She is being a typical teenager with the mess and other problems. Most of us grow out of all that eventually. I can't help thinking, poor girl, nobody wants her. I understand that it's very unfair, that he's swanning off and losing all the responsibilities, but it's very telling that she wants to stay with you. You may not be married to her father, she may not call you Mum, but I'd bet she thinks of you as her Mum, you're the nearest thing she has to a mum.
Doesn't matter as the OP is not married to their girl's father and she has NO legal right to this child at all. Those belong with her father.
forrestgreen · 16/05/2021 13:09

Emotionally no
Financially no
Stress no
Legally no
Future responsibilities no.

'Hi dsd, I realise it's been hard on you with dad and I splitting up. But I just need to make sure that you're aware that you'll be living with him. I wasn't sure if he's had that conversation with you. I'm sure you'll both be very happy once everything settles down. '

DifferentHair · 16/05/2021 13:11

@Diverseopinions

'Where the ex is going to be living, is a consideration. If it will be miles away from DSD's school and friends, then that would shape his decision to say she'd be more settled in the home she knows. Presumably, aged only 16, she will need to stay in education and get her qualifications and be settled enough to achieve, or else a key valuable part of her education won't have been brought to fruition.'

As pps said- the ex needs to think about this. The ex shouldn't choose a home that is miles away from his daughters school and friends. Because he is the parent and these are his things to think about!

He doesn't get to choose a home miles away and then throw his hands in the air because the OP lives closer to the girls school** and we simply mustn't disrupt this girls education.

The girl does not come with the house. She is not an easement or a ghost or a basement. She belongs with her parent.

OP needs to tell ex (out of earshot of the girl) that she will absolutely not be taking on responsibility for his teenage daughter.

Fuck me the bar is so low for men.

This poor poor girl.

Northernsoullover · 16/05/2021 13:13

All of you who say the child should stay clearly have no clue about living with a wayward step child. My friend willingly took on her husbands daughter. Similar situation, mother was drug addicted. Child very damaged. They muddled along ok until teenage hormones hit. My friend was called a cunt. Her son with autism was assaulted by the teen girl. She stole her step sisters property. The marriage ended. She couldn't do it any more. She had to put her children first. Of course we don't know how 'bad' the daughter is but by the limited information here you cannot judge her suitability to remain in the home.
Some children are too damaged to remain part of a home because its at the expense of many.
Half of you here have rose tinted spectacles.

Bringminimoons · 16/05/2021 13:14

I think dad is being unreasonable to you and DSD and that you are also being unreasonable to DSD but not the to ex.

PamDenick · 16/05/2021 13:17

This is a Child Protection issue. Contact the school in the first instance. 16 year old girl with drug dependent mother (and no contact recently??), deadbeat dad who is about to abandon her, and stressed out stepmother who is not willing or able to take her on. Siblings will also likely have feelings of abandonment seeing their older sister being made homeless through no fault of her own.
Please involve professionals.

kirinm · 16/05/2021 13:17

Why is it her 'home' and not her home? It is her home. I struggle to understand the way step parents talk about step kids on this forum.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 13:17

The op’s children and their well-being will be compromised if the stepdaughter lives with them. The op’s time, money, resources will all be directed to the stepdaughter as she will be walking on eggshells making sure she’s ok.

That is not a life for the op or her children. They don’t deserve that sort of half life. Especially while the dad gets to do whatever the hell he wants.

Nope. Fuck that.

Billandben444 · 16/05/2021 13:18

I've read all the OP's posts but not RTWT.

Her happiness is NOT your responsibility but her dad's. You need to make it crystal clear to both of them that the day he moves out, she will be with him - and to posters who say poor little diddums has lived with you for years then she ought to have learnt to treat OP with respect. She can have her teenage strops at her dad's as he's her legal guardian. Please don't fall into the trap of 'it won't be for long' as she could be with you for years! Good luck.

PamDenick · 16/05/2021 13:20

I think the title of this should be edited. It sounds as though the DSD is about to come and live with you rather than you want her to leave the family home when her dad leaves.

Original poster
PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 13:21

@Guavafish

I think you should let her stay in her childhood home with her siblings until she has finished her education.

Make the rules clear and if they are broken let her know she’ll have to move in with her father.

She's not in education, she dropped out of school when she was in year 10 because she couldn't be bothered with it. She refuses to go to college or do anything for herself, she was offered a job in a family members salon where she worked for one day and never went back because it was 'boring'. She stays awake all night and sleeps all day then gets up in the evenings, helps herself to tobacco (not that she can afford to smoke). I have to take the kids to school, go to work and then after finishing work and picking them back up I need to clean the house, a majority of which is her own mess. I could ask her over and over again to clean up after herself but she just doesn't and I get fed up and do it!!
OP posts:
Crosstrainer · 16/05/2021 13:22

The girl does not come with the house. She is not an easement or a ghost or a basement. She belongs with her parent.

This is spot on. And I don’t understand the vitriol directed at the OP: she is not the parent. The father is the one who needs to be making appropriate arrangements for his daughter: somewhere to live near her school, thinking about how she can keep in touch with her half siblings etc. She is not the responsibility of the OP and nor should she be.

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 13:23

@mainsfed

What is really insulting about this thread is how many women are happy to assume that parenting is an option for men but an obligation for women even if they are not the actual parent.

💯

I couldn't agree more.

OP's obligation is to her three children.

End of.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 13:23

Billandben- you clearly don’t know what you are talking about. This is a child who has experience significant harm in the early years. I would strongly suspect poor attachment which leads to stunted brain development and challenging behaviour in the teenage years, as well as abandonment issues.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 13:25

The fact she isn’t in school says it all. You need social services and a planned move to supported accommodation.

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 13:25

Pack her bags and call her father.
Call the police if you need to.

Both father and daughter have a complete mug made out of you.

Protect yourself from them both

Flowers
Lesartisansetlessansculottes · 16/05/2021 13:26

@kirinm

Why is it her 'home' and not her home? It is her home. I struggle to understand the way step parents talk about step kids on this forum.
Because her home is with her dad. It's a package deal. The OP took on a package deal.
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/05/2021 13:28

This is a really difficult and heartbreaking situation, and the ONLY winner here appears to be @PinkFlamingoo's ex, who wants to swan off with his new woman, and live an entirely unencumbered life.

Wherever this teenage girl ends up, she isn't going to be really wanted - it sounds as if her own father is going to have to be forced to parent his own child, but the OP doesn't want her either.

For what it's worth, I can understand why you are not keen for her to stay, @PinkFlamingoo - the teenage years are difficult enough when it's your own, biological child, and it sounds as if this girl has been given no boundaries or consequences by her father, and so it would be even harder to parent her. Not to mention the fact that, as previous posters have said, you wouldn't have any legal, parental rights, which would make some of the practicalities nigh impossible.

I just hope that this girl's father can step up and be the parent she needs, otherwise she is going to end up totally messed up.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 13:28

Billy- that is vile. She is a broken child. She isn’t making a mug out of anyone.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 16/05/2021 13:28

@RogueMNerKnowsNoShame

You're not BU, but that poor, poor, poor child.

Things like this- being basically but obviously unwanted - fuck you up for life

I agree with this. Poor kid. What he's doing is not fair on you, but also awful for her. She probably does want to stay because she knows he doesn't want to bother with her. She probably feels more secure with you.
londonrach · 16/05/2021 13:28

That poor dad. Teenager years are so hard. Op you right you ex is responsible for her. I hope she can still see her half siblings

LizzieW1969 · 16/05/2021 13:29

Surely the dad needs to say 'I'm sorry the relationship with op has not worked out, but I'm your parent and you'll be living with me no question. You'll still see siblings all the time as they'll spend time at our new place'.

^This with bells on. Surely the plan will be for the DSD’s dad to have her younger siblings to stay some of the time???

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