Page 20 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 12:32

And before anyone jumps on my to say it's no OPs problem, I disagree. Legally it may not be but morally it is. The legal bit wont make it any easier on childs MH

Bollocks is it "morally" the OP's problem. The OP didn't bring this child into the world. The responsibility lies with DSD's father.

The OP does however have a responsibility to her own children, who are also soon to be left by their father. They will need extra care, support and attention during this transition, which may also involve moving home.

It would be morally wrong if the OP allowed the needs of the DSD, whose father has parental responsibility for her, to trump the needs of her own children. And those needs may well be best served if the DSD, who it seems isn't very nice to them, lives elsewhere.

TheThermalStair · 16/05/2021 12:33

@AnneElliott

I do find threads like this surprising. Which one of us mums would leave our chicks with an ex boyfriend - even if he had lived with them for 10 years!

Surely the dad needs to say 'I'm sorry the relationship with op has not worked out, but I'm your parent and you'll be living with me no question. You'll still see siblings all the time as they'll spend time at our new place'.

I really feel for the DSD but my goodness the standards are low for men! No wonder they get away with swanning off and leaving their own kids when some people (unbelievably women as well) think that of all the people that have let DSD down - it is the unrelated unmarried step parent that should step up!

Totally agree. And with the slug limboing comment.

Do many people on here assume the dad is an incapable or harmful parent? All I’m getting is he’s clearly a prick who WOULD leave his daughter behind. He’s probably been a pushover for her all his life, while simultaneously outsourcing the hard parts of parenting. But that doesn’t mean he can’t take care of he, and he has to. That’s the end of it.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 12:34

@itsgettingwierd

Why are you laying bedroom tax on a 4 bed that has 2 ads and what I think is 5 children?

Her children may be too young to be considered needing their own room perhaps

Dogwoodrose · 16/05/2021 12:34

If this situation was reversed and it was a mother wanting to leave her 16 year old with a stepfather the mother would be absolutely slaughtered on here! There should be no question in OP's situation, her ex should have shut DSD down the first time this was mentioned because of course she has to go with her father, he is her parent.

newnortherner111 · 16/05/2021 12:35

If there were exams for 16 year olds this year I'd say wait until they were over (which is only a few weeks), but otherwise have to agree the DSD should live with ex-DH. I expect most 16 year olds are not easy to deal with, even without any family break-up, given lack of in-class schooling for much of the year.

mamabear715 · 16/05/2021 12:35

Don't care much about rights and men doing so little, etc, in this case, surely the poor girl has to be first in everyone's thoughts? She'll be grown up & flying the nest in a few years anyway, she's the younger kids' sister, doesn't that count for anything? :-(

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 12:36

@Dogwoodrose

If this situation was reversed and it was a mother wanting to leave her 16 year old with a stepfather the mother would be absolutely slaughtered on here! There should be no question in OP's situation, her ex should have shut DSD down the first time this was mentioned because of course she has to go with her father, he is her parent.

If she's 16 she's probably year 11 and doing exams this summer so can't just leave the area. Within a month she would be able to leave as her teachers will be submitting her grades.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2021 12:37

surely the poor girl has to be first in everyone's thoughts?

What? Why should she come above OP’s own children?

TheThermalStair · 16/05/2021 12:37

@mamabear715

Don't care much about rights and men doing so little, etc, in this case, surely the poor girl has to be first in everyone's thoughts? She'll be grown up & flying the nest in a few years anyway, she's the younger kids' sister, doesn't that count for anything? :-(

But why is living with her father such a terrible thing? He took care of her alone during her early childhood, he’s been around her whole life. He’s willing to look after her now.

tentosix · 16/05/2021 12:37

She can visit with occassional overnight stays, but not live with you. he is taking the piss

TheThermalStair · 16/05/2021 12:38

It’s not like anyone is suggesting they send SD to live in a cavern in the wilderness, just with her dad in a flat.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 12:39

After her exams are over of course.

Her dad should be working very very hard to provide stability that she will have while she does her exams. Instead he’s prioritising seeing his girlfriend - it really is no wonder she doesn’t want to live with him. He needs to change his attitudes and priorities and then she will want to stay with him, instead him and everyone else making excuses for him and just hoping the op will pick up the pieces because it’s easier and more convenient.

If I was in the father’s shoes I would moving heaven and earth to make my child’s life with ME stable and happy enough that she will do well in her exams. Not rely on my ex to do it all for me.

GabsAlot · 16/05/2021 12:40

it looks like he wants to blame you when he tells his dd she cant stay there instead of syaing youre my child you have to live with me

Coffeemakesmehappy · 16/05/2021 12:42

But if you ask surely you have to be prepared to act on the response otherwise there would be no point asking. And in this situation , as sad as it is for DSD, the choice is not hers it's OP's

I agree, it’s ultimately the OP’s choice, but it’s better to be in full possession of the facts if she isn’t already. I think the point I’m trying to make is that it isn’t clear from the OP whether she is hearing secondhand that DSD wants to stay in the house, or directly from her? If via the ex, has he actually told his DD that she CAN go with him … or is he making out that it would be in her best interest to stay with DSM/half siblings and just SAYING to OP that it’s what his DD wants … thus attempting to manoeuvre both OP and his DD into doing what HE wants?

Dogwoodrose · 16/05/2021 12:42

If she's 16 she's probably year 11 and doing exams this summer so can't just leave the area. Within a month she would be able to leave as her teachers will be submitting her grades.

So her father needs to find somewhere local to live to facilitate this!

Wheresthebeach · 16/05/2021 12:42

Madness. Of course she goes with her Dad.

81Byerley · 16/05/2021 12:42

You have been a mother figure to this girl for what to her is forever. (My husband met my grandson when he was six, and my Grandson was very surprised to find out when he was 15 that Grandad hadn't always been there.)
She is being a typical teenager with the mess and other problems. Most of us grow out of all that eventually. I can't help thinking, poor girl, nobody wants her.
I understand that it's very unfair, that he's swanning off and losing all the responsibilities, but it's very telling that she wants to stay with you. You may not be married to her father, she may not call you Mum, but I'd bet she thinks of you as her Mum, you're the nearest thing she has to a mum.

aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2021 12:48

@DishingOutDone

So. No more info from OP and 18 pages of outrage from people who say this is a feminist issue, OP shouldn't be expected to step up just because she has a womb etc. How about she step up because she's a human being? This isn't about blaming step parents, this is about MN disgust for teenagers, esp. teenage girls. We've actually got people on here saying she should claim benefits and get her own place to live FFS.

We need to know from the OP what does the girl want to do, where does she want to live. What is the Dad's real attitude? Because at the moment sounds like something out of a documentary on broken Britain not a poor put upon step mum. Yes we know the H is some kind of arsehole, and yes he should stop being a cunt, but does that then relieve the OP of any responsibility to have a shred of humanity?

Having someone else's child come live with you when they are still alive and capable is not having a "shed of humanity", it's highly illogical, unconventional and just plain odd. Unless her parents are incapacitated or abusive, that is who she should be living with.

How many other people's children have you taken in while their parents were still around?

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 12:48

@funinthesun19

After her exams are over of course.

Her dad should be working very very hard to provide stability that she will have while she does her exams. Instead he’s prioritising seeing his girlfriend - it really is no wonder she doesn’t want to live with him. He needs to change his attitudes and priorities and then she will want to stay with him, instead him and everyone else making excuses for him and just hoping the op will pick up the pieces because it’s easier and more convenient.

If I was in the father’s shoes I would moving heaven and earth to make my child’s life with ME stable and happy enough that she will do well in her exams. Not rely on my ex to do it all for me.

Absolutely. It's shocking that he didn't wait until her exams were over so she was available to move then.

MrsWhites · 16/05/2021 12:48

It’s bad enough when a man (or woman) cheats and fucks off with someone else but there is a special place in hell for someone who would fuck off with another woman when it potentially leaves his child in this position!!

ultrababy · 16/05/2021 12:50

Actually a step parent has no legal responsibility married or otherwise.

Diverseopinions · 16/05/2021 12:51

Where the ex is going to be living, is a consideration. If it will be miles away from DSD's school and friends, then that would shape his decision to say she'd be more settled in the home she knows. Presumably, aged only 16, she will need to stay in education and get her qualifications and be settled enough to achieve, or else a key valuable part of her education won't have been brought to fruition.

I guess that when the DSD was a little girl, the school would have called OP the guardian and phoned her when DSD were I'll, especially if dad was working. I suppose they would have both attended parents' evenings. If ex really wasn't a hands on dad, then that's reason to think that OP has done a lot of parenting of her. If he's been great with his eldest daughter, then you'd have to know what his rationale is now, to make sense of this situation.

Diverseopinions · 16/05/2021 12:52

Did ex plan the move, or was thrown out, not expecting to be having this problem

Redwinestillfine · 16/05/2021 12:53

It is a consideration, but not op's consideration. The girls Dad needs to be weighing these things up when he decides where to live.

G5000 · 16/05/2021 13:00

We need to know from the OP what does the girl want to do, where does she want to live

Doesn't matter if OP is not her parent. I might want to live in the Buckingham palace, but as nobody there is my parent, I don't get to say.