To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP you would be literally insane to do this.

Is it going to help DSD to see that women get walked all over to the detriment of their mental health? Will it help her if you have a breakdown? Her father just LEFT YOU. He had a choice, he didn't have to do that. What has happened is because of him.

No.

I get you're a good person, you can have her to stay frequently, but it's going to cause more problems if you let her stay permanently - and you'd need to get parental responsibility.

You don't have parental responsibility legally so she can't stay with you.

She’s 16yrs old. She’s a child. She needs to go with her Dad.
What is her relationship like with her half siblings? Will she miss them/visa versa? I think the most she could expect us to spend a couple of days per week with you and them? You say you Iovee her but doesn’t sound like you even like her. I’ve got two teens, they can be a total and utter pain in the arse but to live away from them would be unbearable - sounds like you don’t feel this way.
She’s probably playing up even more than us usual because she’s probably feeling utterly rejected and insecure. Her Dad needs to insist she moves in with him and then between you, if you want to see her at all, you could arrange some access for you too. But the starting point from her Dad needs to be ‘you’re living with me’ and not adding ‘if you want to’. She’s already been rejected by one parent in favour of drugs, she needs to know she is very much wanted by the other one.
Poor kid.

The poor child(not you OP) but what a waste of space of a father she has.

Poor little girl.. obviously she's acting up.. I couldn't say what anyone else should or shouldn't do, but personally I'd try to give her a stable home until she's ready to fly the nest.
It would also be horrendous trying to explain to the younger children why dsd has gone, if she went with her father. Two wrongs don't make a right. :-(

So. No more info from OP and 18 pages of outrage from people who say this is a feminist issue, OP shouldn't be expected to step up just because she has a womb etc. How about she step up because she's a human being? This isn't about blaming step parents, this is about MN disgust for teenagers, esp. teenage girls. We've actually got people on here saying she should claim benefits and get her own place to live FFS.

We need to know from the OP what does the girl want to do, where does she want to live. What is the Dad's real attitude? Because at the moment sounds like something out of a documentary on broken Britain not a poor put upon step mum. Yes we know the H is some kind of arsehole, and yes he should stop being a cunt, but does that then relieve the OP of any responsibility to have a shred of humanity?

if the ex looked after his daughter when her mother became unable to, he has some kindly traits

I just laughed so fucking hard.

I’ve looked after my child too when her father fucked off. No one has ever described it as a “kindly trait”.

Oh far out the bar is low for men isn’t it 😂😂😂

Under the circumstances, it would be positive and nurturing for everybody if DSD stays in the home for a couple of years; helping of course, but gaining support from those she lives for the unfamiliar situation with the dad's new home set-up.

Positive and nurturing for OP, who’s dealing with a recent relationship split and an angry, messy, rude teenager? Positive and nurturing for her children who are dealing with their dad leaving and are dealing with their older half sibling already being nasty to them? Positive and nurturing for the SD who already won’t listen to or respect OP and leaves red wine on the floor for OP to clean up while buggering off with her mates? You think she’ll be a happier, cleaner, tidier, nicer person staying with OP and the siblings she doesn’t like and being abandoned by her dad?

It’s certainly a perspective. An insane one. But a perspective all the same.

Yes we know the H is some kind of arsehole, and yes he should stop being a cunt, but does that then relieve the OP of any responsibility to have a shred of humanity?

OP’s humanity should be reserved for yourself and her children. They’ve already put up with plenty from the SD.

And take a breath or you’ll choke on your own piety and condescension.

Dishingoutdone- I mentioned benefits and her own place as this is the reality of the situation should it break down with both the OP and her father- which is a very real possibility. It is better that than months of sofa surfing until it becomes so bad she ends up in emergency accommodation.
There are thousands of teenagers in this position across the uk at the moment.

We need to know from the OP what does the girl want to do, where does she want to live. What is the Dad's real attitude?

OP said in a post up the thread that the girl wants to stay in the 'family home', dad will let the girl move with him but she doesn't want to.

Boarding school? Is she planning on college/uni or work?
Family meeting seems a good idea?

This is such a difficult situation, because her home has been with you since she was so young, she probably remembers very little of when you weren't in her life.

But she is your partners responsibility.

If it was me - and I know it's not me, so it's easy to say - I would say she can stay until he's settled. By that I don't mean months, I mean to let him move in and get his new place ready and make sure she has a nice room to move into. If he's just moving in with his new girlfriend then absolutely she has to go with him straight away. He can't leave his daughter to go and get his end away elsewhere.

Just remember how she might be feeling though. It sounds like she's a handful (and having a 17yo stepson I know exactly what that's like!) but at her core she's still a 16yo girl and you're the only mother she's really known. This will be shaking her to the core and she is facing not just having to move away from you and her home, but also her siblings.

Boarding school??? Only on Mumsnet would someone read a discussion about homelessness and benefits system and living in a council house and suggest boarding school. I am sure the dad has a spare 30k per year to send her off to board 🙄

OP said in a post up the thread that the girl wants to stay in the 'family home', dad will let the girl move with him but she doesn't want to.

She’s just gonna have to.

An agreement need to be sorted away from the ears of this child.

I don’t agree with this entirely. At 16, yes she is a child but also a young person bordering on young adult, and should be given the opportunity to say what she would like to happen and also WHY. OP really needs to hear this in person from DSD if she hasn’t already - then the arrangements can be discussed in private.

Under the circumstances, it would be positive and nurturing for everybody if DSD stays in the home for a couple of years; helping of course, but gaining support from those she lives for the unfamiliar situation with the dad's new home set-up

Positive and nurturing for everybody? Can you explain how that’s so for OP? Or do you mean she doesn’t count, and it’s positive for the child who gets to live where she wants and the father who gets to absolve himself of his responsibilities?

OP is a STEPmother so doesn't have even have the right to make education choices (the girl is 16 so GCSE results this summer might affect education choices from next term)

Child Maintenance is often pitiful- is OP really supposed to struggle financially because her ex has fucked off? Being a single parent is hard enough without an extra child. Her younger children will also be teens one day but it is easier parenting your own child.

Is part of the reason that SD wants to stay is because her Dad is living far away and she doesn't want to change schools and have to meet new friends? If so it's up to him to find a place that will cause the least upheaval for her. If he really leaves sd with OP he is increasing the likelihood of her picking unsuitable partners from now on. He should be reassuring her how much she is loved by him etc

I have kids who are a similar age and know that parenting doesn't stop at 18. Whether they go to uni or work, moving out is an expensive business that can't happen without considerable expense and effort. I think that it is misogynistic to place guilt on OP. Her children will love their sister and of course she will have an attachment to sd too but she is her Dad's responsibility.

“I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!”

I get why you’re feeling like this, but please don’t phrase it like this aloud if there’s any chance of any of your kids hearing!! She’s a person not a stress to be dumped.

Her behaviour is actually completely irrelevant because you’re not trying to throw her out as a punishment, you’re insisting she stays with her legal and biological parent rather than you - in legal terms you’re just a long term babysitter. I think the kind and right thing to do is insist she moves with her dad (you can’t make decisions for her legally) but make sure she knows she is always a welcome family member in your home, as your kids’ sister.

Leave her behaviour out of it because it wouldn’t matter if she was the most saintly teenager on the planet, the situation would be the same.

@funinthesun19

OP said in a post up the thread that the girl wants to stay in the 'family home', dad will let the girl move with him but she doesn't want to.

She’s just gonna have to.

After her exams are over of course.

Amused by the level of sexism on this post. SHE IS HIS CHILD!!!! He can’t just dump her on his ex. It sound like OP has more than enough on her plate. Why should her Actual Dad just get to swan around with his latest girlfriend, whilst ex does all the hard work?

It's tough. It's easy for people to say the OP should put up with a few more years of dealing with a difficult teenager but if you're so stressed out it must be so difficult to cope.

I feel sorry for both her and you.

she is a child but also a young person bordering on young adult, and should be given the opportunity to say what she would like to happen

But if you ask surely you have to be prepared to act on the response otherwise there would be no point asking. And in this situation , as sad as it is for DSD, the choice is not hers it's OP's

Why are you laying bedroom tax on a 4 bed that has 2 ads and what I think is 5 children?

I do find threads like this surprising. Which one of us mums would leave our chicks with an ex boyfriend - even if he had lived with them for 10 years!

Surely the dad needs to say 'I'm sorry the relationship with op has not worked out, but I'm your parent and you'll be living with me no question. You'll still see siblings all the time as they'll spend time at our new place'.

I really feel for the DSD but my goodness the standards are low for men! No wonder they get away with swanning off and leaving their own kids when some people (unbelievably women as well) think that of all the people that have let DSD down - it is the unrelated unmarried step parent that should step up!

Kids not chicks