Page 18 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 11:29

Howshouldibehave- I am not disputing what you say is correct, but the reality is if he doesn’t want her no amount of telling him he should will make him. And the child knows this. The damage is done- at this point it is damage limitation.

burningfire · 16/05/2021 11:30

To further my post I'm not saying it's down to the OP to sort. I'm saying they're as bad as eachother. An agreement need to be sorted away from the ears of this child. I find it uncomfortable that anyone can walk into the life of a child (man or woman) knowing they have no contact with one parent then can pull the "well I'm not the biological parent " card years down the line when it doesnt work out. Takes more than sperm and an egg to be a parent. Regardless of her calling her "mum" or not, she has been for 10 years. I just could never do that to a child.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 16/05/2021 11:31

Would an option not be for your ex to get a house with a bedroom for his daughter, but she stays with you a couple of nights a week, you must be doing something right otherwise she would not want to stay.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/05/2021 11:35

Of course your DSD wants to live with you, you have no authority over her so she can do as she likes. If her behaviour is too much now it will only get worse when her DF isn't there. This isn't your fault, her DF chose her DM and now wants to swan off with his new gf. He is a cheeky fucker of the first order. Tell him if he leaves his older daughter goes with him

saraclara · 16/05/2021 11:35

And before anyone jumps on my to say it's no OPs problem, I disagree. Legally it may not be but morally it is. The legal bit wont make it any easier on childs MH.

What about OP's mental health? And that of her children who DSD is nasty to?
OP is in tears already at the thought.

I suspect she won't be coming back, thanks to the holier than thou people on this thread. Who of course won't be around to support her practically, emotionally or financially after they've guilted her into doing this.

frazzledasarock · 16/05/2021 11:37

No way are OP and ex ‘as bad as eahctoher’

One is a single parent mother taking care of her children and shouldering financial and physical responsibility of them all.

The other is a father attempting to abandon his child who has no other parent other than him to rely on.

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 11:38

@Countrygirl2021

I also hope you realise her poor behaviour is likely an attachment response to a difficult early start in life and then more chaos in her life. Poor poor girl, 3 parent figures in her life and none of them could do their best for her.

Jeez, the OP is going to have a tough enough time bringing up the 3 DCs from this relationship on her own without adding her ex's child from her ex's previous relationship into the mix. Just because the OP was in a relationship with the DSD's father doesn't make her responsible for her. She has two parents. One of them, at least, needs to step up.

God knows how it would affect her financially as a single parent. Unless she's earning £142 a week, or one of them gets DLA/PIP, she'd be affected by the benefit cap and will only get child benefit for the 3rd and 4th children if they were born before April 2017.

saraclara · 16/05/2021 11:39

I'm saying they're as bad as eachother.

They really are not. One is her actual father. The one who's heading to a fancy free life, after leaving OP with the 3 children they have together, and planning on leaving his child too. The other has no genetic link and has been looking after his child for ten years, at some cost to herself and the other children.

ElderMillennial · 16/05/2021 11:40

You're not kicking her out of her home though. It's only her home as long as her father is living there.

MotherofTerriers · 16/05/2021 11:40

OP, you can only do what you can cope with - being a single parent with 3 small children is hard enough. Your SD may well prefer to be with you, but you don't have parental responsibility. She needs to live with her dad. Moving will be hard for her, but so will her dad leaving her with you. Either way her behaviour is likely to deteriorate in response to a situation she has no control over.

You may well be in a better position to help her if you can invite her to visit and have sleepovers, if you are doing so willingly and genuinely pleased to see her, rather than struggling to cope single handedly with 4 children, 3 of whom she is unkind to.

Suzi888 · 16/05/2021 11:42

@mantlepiece

I think if she was younger it would be more of a dilemma.

She is 16, she is old enough to realise she needs to go with her dad.

No one likes change so it will be hard for her, but really she can’t expect to stay.

^^that. Poor kid though.

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 11:43

@covetingthepreciousthings

No, no, and no. The father needs to take care of his child and if that means finding a place with her and not living the life of Riley with his new GF then so be it.

It's not even been said that he isn't finding a place suitable, OP said herself that he would take DSD with him if she WANTED to go.

DSD is not an adult. She doesn't get to choose who she lives with and her wishes don't trump the OPs.

Her father is responsible for her, not the OP.

RickiTarr · 16/05/2021 11:46

@RogueMNerKnowsNoShame

You're not BU, but that poor, poor, poor child.

Things like this- being basically but obviously unwanted - fuck you up for life

This.

bogoffmda · 16/05/2021 11:47

Whilst I would support OP - this poor 16 yr old.

Abandoned by her mother before the age of 3, her DF has full care and the OP has been in her life since the age of 6.

OP and her DP were effectively her parent for her formative years - her behaviour is a direct result of the family ( and they were a family) dealing with it. If she is not nice to her siblings then there has to be a reason for this.

This 16 yr old has been let down consistently in her life by the adults around her - her mother, her father and to a certain extent the OP. This child was a permanent member of the family but sounds like she was not treated as one.

Overall very sad for this young woman.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 11:50

The damage is done-at this point it is damage limitation

Yes, by the child’s father.

HelloOldSport · 16/05/2021 11:53

@burningfire

To further my post I'm not saying it's down to the OP to sort. I'm saying they're as bad as eachother. An agreement need to be sorted away from the ears of this child. I find it uncomfortable that anyone can walk into the life of a child (man or woman) knowing they have no contact with one parent then can pull the "well I'm not the biological parent " card years down the line when it doesnt work out. Takes more than sperm and an egg to be a parent. Regardless of her calling her "mum" or not, she has been for 10 years. I just could never do that to a child.

No, they're not as bad as each other at all. What an idiotic statement.

can pull the "well I'm not the biological parent " card years down the line when it doesnt work out

But that's true ffs.

aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2021 11:55

Huh?? You've split up and he's planning on leaving his biological child with you? No, that is absolutely batshit, and not how parental responsibility works. I would actually have laughed in his face, that's insane.

stayathomer · 16/05/2021 11:57

An agreement need to be sorted away from the ears of this child.

This totally. How sad to know you're not wanted anywhere. No matter how hellish she it's a horrible situation. Op's ex is a dick and she shouldn't live with him anyway. Maybe she's better off going to a foster home than being with people who don't want her. Not a guilt thing, am being honest. So sad

Mathshelpme · 16/05/2021 11:58

I don’t understand what the discussion is.
Legally he has parental rights and op has none.
The daughter goes with him.

If he is intent on leaving her, social services are called. You can warn him of this.

All extremely sad, but I wouldn’t look after a child I didn’t have parental responsibility for long term either.

MrsWhites · 16/05/2021 11:58

Obviously legally she is her dad’s responsibility and he’s taking the piss just expecting her to stay with the OP without a full discussion and her complete agreement.

BUT that poor girl, imagine being abandoned by your biological mother, living with your dad and ‘step mum’, along with 3 siblings for the last 10 years - step mum doesn’t want you to stay and dad doesn’t want you to go with him. She must feel so unloved 😢

C8H10N4O2 · 16/05/2021 11:59

Meanwhile, posters continue to guilt the OP because somehow even though the OP has not formally adopted the girl or even married her father it is her responsibility to care for her. This is despite the fact she actually has no formal responsibility and no parental rights. The girl treats her home like a hotel and apparently OP has to wear this

This. The OP has no parental responsibility for the girl, the girl does not regard her as her parent sufficient for the OP to be able to influence her behaviour or protect the younger children from her behaviour.

Its possible to feel sorry for the girl and still expect that her father of 16 yrs to step up and parent.

The bar for men is so low that a slug would struggle to limbo underneath it.

Diverseopinions · 16/05/2021 12:01

Under the circumstances, it would be positive and nurturing for everybody if DSD stays in the home for a couple of years; helping of course, but gaining support from those she lives for the unfamiliar situation with the dad's new home set-up.

I don't completely feel that the ex and life has put OP in an overwhelming situation. I do actually feel that making the decision to have three children is optimistic about how life will go, and OP and her ex must have discussed the expense, the work involved.
If the ex looked after his daughter when her mother became unable to, he has some kindly traits. I wonder what his thinking is in believing that his daughter ought to stay with her siblings. He has shown commitment earlier, and if he hasn't been great, presumably OP wouldn't have chosen to have three kids with him.

aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2021 12:01

@MrsWhites

Obviously legally she is her dad’s responsibility and he’s taking the piss just expecting her to stay with the OP without a full discussion and her complete agreement.

BUT that poor girl, imagine being abandoned by your biological mother, living with your dad and ‘step mum’, along with 3 siblings for the last 10 years - step mum doesn’t want you to stay and dad doesn’t want you to go with him. She must feel so unloved 😢

The only weird part is that her dad doesn't want her to go with him, which is obviously the default solution that everyone should have expected. Nobody involved should have expected her to stay living with her ex step parent instead, it should never have even been considered enough to cause upset.

tiredanddangerous · 16/05/2021 12:02

Leaving everything else aside, I don't think it's as simple as her deciding to live with you when you don't have parental responsibility for her. I agree with the posters suggesting you speak to social services.

TurquoiseDragon · 16/05/2021 12:02

@ILoveYou3000

So according to quite a few on here a woman has to deal with the breakdown of a 10 year relationship and all the emotional, financial and mental toil that comes with that, whilst helping her three young children through their father leaving. She's then also supposed to house, financially and emotionally support a child who isn't hers, an adolescent child who seems not to be respectful of the OP or her home at this time. And apparently if she doesn't do this she's cruel.

Yet the man is free to disappear and relinquish all responsibility, whilst at the same time emotionally blackmailing his ex-P into keeping his sole child. With the 'I'll take her if she wants to go' he's removing all responsibility from himself and making OP the bad guy.

But of course it's all the woman's fault for not being happy to take on the man's responsibility.

Totally agree.

If she wanted to go with him he would let her. But he thinks it's unfair for me to kick her out of her home!!

And this is manipulation from the Ex, he's trying to manipulate both the DSD and OP into letting DSD stay with OP.

But it's the Ex who needs to step up and parent his DD so that she doesn''t suffer from the break up. But I don't think he will, but it's still not on to push OP to take this child on.

Is he going to pay OP support for DSD? As well as for the younger 3? Can't see that happening.