To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP - if DSD was super lovely, polite and nice to half siblings would you be happy for her to stay.

If no - then you have your answer

If yes, then tell DSD this and tell her she has choices about her behaviour to make If she wants to stay. You're not a hotel and if she does not get her act together she foes to Dad and his GF permanently. As sad as it is she is not your responsibility.

This is horrific
What an awful awful man he is

But you know that already

Could you have a family meeting with your DC and discuss
What do they want to do here
I think their opinions matter also

I’d be tempted for the sake of two years to hold her , but work with SS to get boundaries

I’m so sorry To hear this

But I’d definitely let your kids have a voice and an opinion

As kicking her out will impact everyone if her mental health turns to shit

Could you get some legal advice about the council house? Would you be able to get something else? The easiest solution would be to move out to a smaller place for you and the 3 children. The 16 year old isn’t respecting you, she’s showing a bad role model to the other children and because you have no legal responsibility for her you’re going to be limited to what you can do about it. 16 year olds are almost adults she’s old enough to treat you well and be helpful etc if she did in fact value the chance to stay with you. I think she needs the undivided parenting from her father to sort out her behaviour. A lot of 16 year olds do drink but generally they’re not so blasé and disrespectful that they’re leaving red wine sloshed all around their parents home. Don’t be made to feel bad that you can’t meet her needs with 3 other children and a break up to deal with. It is time her Dad stepped up.

I don’t know the OP. I don’t know the father. But if the OP felt she could manage it (with external support),

@MissM2912 she's already in tears at the thought. She needs to focus on herself and her future as the single parent of her own three children.

I feel for the SD, I really do. But the SD really needs to know that her DAD loves and wants her. The message that she's getting at the moment is that he's quite happy to skip off with his new woman and leave her behind. She might think she wants to stay at the house, but she will wake up to that message pretty quickly. Her own dad is walking away.

Of course you don't have to. I don't understand why you don't want to though. You must have developed a connection with her over the last ten years. He is obviously a waste of space. Why condemn her to that?

@DeathStare

Jeez.... two adults who have parented a traumatized child for over 10 years are arguing as both of them want to give up on her, because each of them wants a new life with their new family (OP with her biological children, her ex with his girlfriend) even though the traumatised child was there first, and because she has typical behaviour for a child her age.

The pair of you disgust me. You both need to give your heads a wobble and come to an arrangement that meets this child's needs. This shouldn't be about what the adults want but about what the child needs.

Btw, the issue of parental responsibility is very easily sorted with a step parent parental responsibility agreement or special guardianship order.

Yes cause I'm sure op is so excited about starting her new life as a single parent with 3 small kids. Your post is ridiculous to start off with.

I would call social services or family support and ask for advice. I would classify the child in this position as vulnerable.
I know social services have a horrid, horrid reputation with so many parents but when the situation is horrid too, there's no harm in asking for support and guidance - they will work with you and in the best interests of the child. With her being 16 there isn't a lot they can do long term but they can point you to any other support services if they can't help themselves.
You absolutely don't have to look after your ex's child but you have to respond to the situation appropriately, in the best interests of the child.

Naunet I am just stating my experience of what happens in situations like these so the OP can make an informed choice.
It isn’t nice trying to put broken people back together and I am I suppose just hoping another child can avoid entering the social care system.

I think he has to take the responsibility. Especially as, the way I understand it, you weren't married, so you don't have legal rights or responsibilities once you are separated. And I doubt very much that he and his new partner are going to take on your children even for the odd weekend, so they should not expect this of you.

However: it's important that you don't list her faults as a reason for not wanting her to live with you. They sound like typical teenage faults, and feeling that she's totally rejected because of bad behaviour could permanently damage her mental health. Not to mention that it could cause your own children to become afraid that you'll send them away if they aren't 'good' enough.

Just emphasize to your ex that the responsibility is his - unless he's prepared to assume equal responsibility for all his children.

Just tell your ex that he has the moral and legal responsibility for his

@KarmaNoMore

What is really insulting about this thread is how many women are happy to assume that parenting is an option for men but an obligation for women even if they are not the actual parent.

Quite.

I wonder if the people who think that the DSD should remain in the OP's home would think the same if the OP didn't have children of her own?

I'm intrigued to know to what extent being in possession of a vagina makes it somehow unreasonable not to bring up a stepchild after the child's father has fucked off elsewhere.

@covetingthepreciousthings

OP isn’t her step mother.

Really? I know she doesn't call her mum, but surely she has raised her for the last 10 years, so what is she to her?

Legally nothing.

Saraclara- I agree with what you are saying which is why I have said this won’t be long term- she will want to leave soon regardless. Just want it to be as pain free as possible and with the child feeling like THEY have decided rather than being forced.

If you want to take her on i think you need to get her and him in a room with a solicitor and work out how he will support her and get some kind of custody set up so she knows she will be bound by your rules. You would be better placed to enforce boundaries. Its a shitty situation but he sounds like a dick and my worry is your childrens feelings about their sister being treated this way in the future.

I’d contact social services. They’ll be obliged to house her also is he on the tenancy I’d get him out ASAP.

Naunet I am just stating my experience of what happens in situations like these so the OP can make an informed choice
It isn’t nice trying to put broken people back together and I am I suppose just hoping another child can avoid entering the social care system

And what’s to say she won’t go off the rails living with OP, knowing that her father abandoned her? There’s no guarantee of anything here, but the fact is, HE is her parent and guardian, not OP, and he needs to step up and put his daughter first. Women aren’t rehab clinics for other people’s teenage children, and OP already has enough on her plate.

What is really insulting about this thread is how many women are happy to assume that parenting is an option for men but an obligation for women even if they are not the actual parent.

💯

Some of the posts on here are ridiculous. So if I want to swan off on a shagfest with my new fella I can abandon my kids on my ex boyfriend and it’s his moral responsibility to house and take care of of them shouldering all financial responsibility for them too.
And I continue claiming child benefit for them because well they’re my kids.

And my sixteen year old would not dare behave the way OP has described her DSD of behaving.

This child needs to be with her biological parent. Not the OP.
OP has her own younger DC to be getting on with and it sounds like DSD doesn’t get on with them so would probably be happier not living with them.

Women have such low expectations of men, poor lamb wants to go off on a fuckfest, so his ex-girlfriend should behave and take responsibility of the child her boyfriend has abandoned.

I’d report him to social services if he is trying to abandon his child.

I am I suppose just hoping another child can avoid entering the social care system.

There will be no need for this to happen if the dad parents his child. This is not down to the OP to solve or be made to feel guilty for.

I have a 16 year old daughter. My heart breaks for your sd. She's been abandoned from a young age by her mothers choices. And let's be fair I cant imagine her life was amazing the first 3 years when her mother was in it. Those years are very important in brain development.

Now her father has a new girlfriend you're bound to be livid. Or atleast most people would be. It's not great that one side of a partnership can just move on with another person and leave kids fallen behind.

Now this 16 year old is unwanted again. At a crutial time in her life. No one wants to feel unwanted. Some 16 year olds can be nobs, yes. Doesn't mean they deserve to be left.

Ofcourse shes her fathers responsibility. But morily I could never kick out a child that I had a hand in bring up for 10 years because her dad is shagging someone else. Because of his decisions she's going to have her life uprooted and will he apart from her siblings too. No wonder theres problems now, theres no way she hasnt heard that shes not wanted by either side. That poor girl. This is one reason why we have adults who suffer with mental health issues and end up in abusive relationships.

And before anyone jumps on my to say it's no OPs problem, I disagree. Legally it may not be but morally it is. The legal bit wont make it any easier on childs MH.

Can you contact the ow and ask about living arrangements for dsd and explain you don't have parental responsibility? The other option is to sit dsd down explain the situation, tell her that if she wants to stay she can

Yes clearly the two women (neither of whom are related to, or have responsibility for the girl) need to sort the situation out between them. FFS what kind of sexist bullshit us this, and why are some people so quick to give the person with a penis (who DOES have responsibility) a free pass??

And no, the other option is for the OP to stand firm with her ex and tell him it's up to him to sort out, she has no obligation to continue to parent someone that clearly has very little respect for her

Some of the posts on here are ridiculous. So if I want to swan off on a shagfest with my new fella I can abandon my kids on my ex boyfriend and it’s his moral responsibility to house and take care of of them shouldering all financial responsibility for them too
And I continue claiming child benefit for them because well they’re my kids

Don’t be daft, he’s a man, so wouldn’t even be expected to parent his own children, let alone yours - that’s what women are for!

And before anyone jumps on my to say it's no OPs problem, I disagree. Legally it may not be but morally it is

In your opinion. Most on here disagree and it’s only the OP’s opinion that matters anyway.

@Redwinestillfine

Time for some home truths. Can you contact the ow and ask about living arrangements for dsd and explain you don't have parental responsibility? The other option is to sit dsd down explain the situation, tell her that if she wants to stay she can but she needs to start contributing to the upkeep of the house and sign a copy to say she'll keep it clean/ not stay out past curfew etc. If she won't agree she can't live there once her Dad moves out.

No, dsd can’t stay if she wants to! Why are you telling OP what to do?!

Burningfire I agree 100%.

And before anyone jumps on my to say it's no OPs problem, I disagree. Legally it may not be but morally it is. The legal bit wont make it any easier on childs MH

No, legally AND morally it’s her fathers responsibility. He just wants a hassle free time fucking his new girlfriend, that’s not OPs job to facilitate.