Page 16 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 10:40

@LizzieBananas

Quite a telling question: If he wasn’t leaving, if instead he was hit by a bus tomorrow would you keep her and look after her or is she someone else’s problem ?

That's not in any way similar to her father moving in with his new partner and leaving her behind with his ex.

He's perfectly able to fulfill his responsibilities as her parent, he just prefers to let OP do it. He's a CF and, by the sound of things, a pretty useless dad.

None of which is the OP's problem any more.

GintyMcGinty · 16/05/2021 10:40

He is a low life.

But don't kick her out or you will be one 2.

You've been her mum since she was 6. She's your children's sister.

Poor kid.

Artichokeleaves · 16/05/2021 10:41

Just wondering at what point DSD will move from the 'poor distressed child with no responsibilities who should be at the centre and everyone else's interests should come second to' box, into the 'you must suck it up, you must do it even if you don't want to and can't and no one else is doing anything to help, and take on all the responsibility for others because no one else will' box.

I suspect at the point she gives birth.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:42

but you do NOT have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm,

Well put!

To continue with this analogy.,,especially when there is a perfectly good parent there who has a radiator but is too busy shagging away to turn it on.

katy1213 · 16/05/2021 10:43

You really do have to laugh at the cheek of some men! So a teenager isn't part of the girlfriend's romantic dream?
He's going to end with up with neither of you - and all his kids despising him.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:44

The expectations for fathers are so shockingly low. I don’t think I realised just how low until this thread, or how high they are for women.

The bar is just set so low for men. Here is a father who should be taking responsibility and will do if he’s forced to, but there is an army of women telling his former partner to do it all for him instead! Shocking.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:44

Quite a telling question: If he wasn’t leaving, if instead he was hit by a bus tomorrow would you keep her and look after her or is she someone else’s problem?

That would be a tragic situation and what people would do in a tragedy bears absolutely no relation on what they do when their ex is shagging around neglecting their child.

Shelby2010 · 16/05/2021 10:44

Have you discussed how often he will be having all the DC overnight? Even if he has them only EOW, you might find that a couple of child free days help with your stress levels. Of course, the likelihood is that he will declare he doesn’t have room for the DC, but that’s his problem to sort.

The parental responsibility is a red herring because that could be obtained IF the OP wanted.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:46

The same women who would in a normal situation involving a mum and dad, would probably lay in to a dad for not stepping up! This thread is crazy and I think it’s heavily influenced by the usual anti stepmother mindset. Even though she isn’t a stepmother anymore....

nanbread · 16/05/2021 10:47

If this was a mum leaving to be with OM there I'd wager that wouldn't be a single poster on here saying her DD shouldn't go with her.

motogogo · 16/05/2021 10:50

It's not the dsd's fault she has crap biological parents! Have some compassion. She sounds like many a 16 year old, wants the advantages of being a teen but none of the responsibilities. She's acting up, well look at what her parents have done to her??? I think there is a solution but she needs to be part of the conversation, explain if she stays what needs to change and what responsibilities she has, he needs to commit to paying a lot more than statutory child support too. Social services might be able to offer advice on dealing with behavioural issues because she is a vulnerable young person, and they offer support to keep young people at home - if not there is supported living for 16+ but it's really a last resort situation

nanbread · 16/05/2021 10:50

@GintyMcGinty

He is a low life.

But don't kick her out or you will be one 2.

You've been her mum since she was 6. She's your children's sister.

Poor kid.

Telling her actual parent to parent and house her is not really "kicking her out" though is it.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 16/05/2021 10:50

@burblish

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. OP, please ignore the armchair misogynists on this thread who clearly don’t give a damn about you or your own children - clearly, none of your needs are of any importance whatsoever. All that matters is that you are a woman and therefore just need to lie flatter. Oh, and of course you should give more of yourself to a stepchild (who has a parent) than to your three younger biological children (who are also losing their father for at least part of the week - but they’re only your children, not your stepchild, so of course they don’t matter either). Of course it’s an awful situation for your DSD to be in, but you do NOT have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, particularly when they already have someone who has actual responsibility to take care of them.

I don’t think people saying think of the DSD care about the sex of the step parent. It’s about a 16 year old who has known the Op for most of her life and has 3 step siblings in what she knows as her home. She’s a young human being and it’s all the adults responsibility to look after her. Obviously her dad should take her but both of you rejecting her will absolutely fuck her up. I get that 16 year olds can be tricky but you’d have a new relationship together if her dad has effectively dumped her. She can babysit, find a job and be tidier now that she’s staying in her own right.

ILoveYou3000 · 16/05/2021 10:52

So according to quite a few on here a woman has to deal with the breakdown of a 10 year relationship and all the emotional, financial and mental toil that comes with that, whilst helping her three young children through their father leaving. She's then also supposed to house, financially and emotionally support a child who isn't hers, an adolescent child who seems not to be respectful of the OP or her home at this time. And apparently if she doesn't do this she's cruel.

Yet the man is free to disappear and relinquish all responsibility, whilst at the same time emotionally blackmailing his ex-P into keeping his sole child. With the 'I'll take her if she wants to go' he's removing all responsibility from himself and making OP the bad guy.

But of course it's all the woman's fault for not being happy to take on the man's responsibility.

nanbread · 16/05/2021 10:52

@motogogo

It's not the dsd's fault she has crap biological parents! Have some compassion. She sounds like many a 16 year old, wants the advantages of being a teen but none of the responsibilities. She's acting up, well look at what her parents have done to her??? I think there is a solution but she needs to be part of the conversation, explain if she stays what needs to change and what responsibilities she has, he needs to commit to paying a lot more than statutory child support too. Social services might be able to offer advice on dealing with behavioural issues because she is a vulnerable young person, and they offer support to keep young people at home - if not there is supported living for 16+ but it's really a last resort situation

It's not OP's fault either.

I agree a grown-up conversation is needed though.

Branleuse · 16/05/2021 10:52

i think its shit that its usually the onus on women who are expected to bite off more than they can chew all the time, but at the centre of this is a child who needs stability. Someones got to step up.
I know several people who have done this for children that are absolutely nothing to do with them. Friends of their own kids etc, or just taken them in because they needed someone, and they have been rewarded with close relationships with them for life.
Its not for everyone, but I like to think if a child needed me and I could do it, id take them in at least temporarily.
That doesnt mean the father isnt taking the absolute piss, but someone needs to sort out where this kid will go and what will be best for her. Whether thats with her mum, her dad, her stepmother, her grandparents, or just a friend somewhere. Sort it out like adults and stop using kids to pointscore. The kid will be a grown up soon and will remember this for life

nanbread · 16/05/2021 10:53

@ILoveYou3000

So according to quite a few on here a woman has to deal with the breakdown of a 10 year relationship and all the emotional, financial and mental toil that comes with that, whilst helping her three young children through their father leaving. She's then also supposed to house, financially and emotionally support a child who isn't hers, an adolescent child who seems not to be respectful of the OP or her home at this time. And apparently if she doesn't do this she's cruel.

Yet the man is free to disappear and relinquish all responsibility, whilst at the same time emotionally blackmailing his ex-P into keeping his sole child. With the 'I'll take her if she wants to go' he's removing all responsibility from himself and making OP the bad guy.

But of course it's all the woman's fault for not being happy to take on the man's responsibility.

This is such a great post

Naunet · 16/05/2021 10:56

Quite a telling question: If he wasn’t leaving, if instead he was hit by a bus tomorrow would you keep her and look after her or is she someone else’s problem

Err, it wouldn’t be OPs choice, because she has no legal parental responsibility for the child. 🤨

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 10:57

Naunet- I am not putting pressure on the OP to do anything. She isn’t so stranger but has been the child’s consistent adult for many years.
Like I said- this is very unlikely to be a long term situation- it is just putting a plan in place for the child to feel safe and secure to move on in a planned way. For all we know she may be planning to go to university at 18. Or she may be in full time employment and and able to work towards her own flat with support. But bucking her out, while at first glance may seem the easier option, in reality could end up even more stressful if she doesn’t settle with the father and goes off the rails/ sofa surfs/ ends up pregnant, and the OP has this extra emotional burden as she is still her siblings half sister.

Notaroadrunner · 16/05/2021 10:58

@GintyMcGinty

He is a low life.

But don't kick her out or you will be one 2.

You've been her mum since she was 6. She's your children's sister.

Poor kid.

That's a low blow. Op will certainly not be a low life for telling her dick of an ex to take responsibility for his child.

@PinkFlamingoo you are under no obligation to have his dd stay. He has to find a place to accommodate both of them. I'm sure his dd won't want to stay with you anyway - she clearly has zero respect for you and her half siblings. If she treats you/her siblings like crap when he's there can you imagine how she'll treat you when he's not there. Do not feel guilted into letting her stay. Her home is with her father. He has no right to plan to leave her with you. The only one who can plan to continue to raise her is you, and you are not in a position to do that so make sure he knows that asap. Then he can make all the plans he wants to make sure he finds a suitable property for them.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:59

After seeing this thread, I thank my lucky stars that my former stepchild had at least one parent willing to continue to be a responsible parent when me and their father split up.
I would be exactly like the OP if I was in her position.

LakieLady · 16/05/2021 11:00

SS should get involved because of DSDs drug addict mum and her underage drinking

If children's social services got involved with every young person who drunk underage, social workers would be 20% of the workforce. Anyone would think this girl was necking a bottle of vodka a day.

And she's not drinking under age if she's drinking at home or with a meal!

Naunet · 16/05/2021 11:02

Naunet- I am not putting pressure on the OP to do anything. She isn’t so stranger but has been the child’s consistent adult for many years.
Like I said- this is very unlikely to be a long term situation- it is just putting a plan in place for the child to feel safe and secure to move on in a planned way. For all we know she may be planning to go to university at 18. Or she may be in full time employment and and able to work towards her own flat with support. But bucking her out, while at first glance may seem the easier option, in reality could end up even more stressful if she doesn’t settle with the father and goes off the rails/ sofa surfs/ ends up pregnant, and the OP has this extra emotional burden as she is still her siblings half sister

Yes, you are putting pressure on her, you’ve literally just said that if OP kicks her out (by the way, it’s not kicking a child out to expect them to go live with their actual biological parent, that’s just normal), then she might end up pregnant/going off the rails.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 11:03

Yet the man is free to disappear and relinquish all responsibility, whilst at the same time emotionally blackmailing his ex-P into keeping his sole child. With the 'I'll take her if she wants to go' he's removing all responsibility from himself and making OP the bad guy.

And then you see thread after thread about women moaning and moaning about fathers not stepping up. But yet this ok?!!

Coffeemakesmehappy · 16/05/2021 11:03

I don’t quite understand how this is all being communicated/discussed between OP, her ex and his DD? Is the ex talking to his DD on her own, without OP knowing exactly what slant he’s putting on the situation? If this is the case, is ex making out to his DD that she will be better off/have an easier time of it if she stays with the OP? Is OP believing that her DSD wants to stay with her just because that’s what ex has told her, and/or without knowing what he has told his DD?