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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
SkedaddIe · 16/05/2021 10:23

@unim

Just wanted to say you might want to check out Therapeutic Parenting. It's got some really good strategies that you might find useful - they were developed initially for parenting children who had experienced early attachment disruption (like your DSD) but I find them really useful for my DDs who haven't got that background.

There is a great group on Facebook if you look it up.

If your DSD is acting out because she doesn't feel loved or wanted, some of the therapeutic parenting ideas might help to settle things down again (for you or for her dad).

Great advice!
Thighdentitycrisis · 16/05/2021 10:23

Please step up - excuse the pun - and put your feelings about her Dad to one side and look after her.

I feel so sorry for this girl
She is in a lose lose situation
She deserves to stay with you as a) it’s her home and what she wants b) you are her mum figure. But you don’t want her - lose for her
You think she should be looked after by her Dad but he doesn’t want the responsibility - lose for her

I predict she will have huge self esteem issues. Being rejected by your parents, even step parents will influence her development more than anything else. I was moved around like this as a child and it has had a massive negative impact on me and all my life choices.

SlightlyJaded · 16/05/2021 10:24

People break up all the time.

Children sometimes have to live in the house they least prefer. It is the Dad's obligation to have her AND to explain that she doesn't have a choice. HE should be explaining to HIS DD why she has to come with him.

When she says she wants to stay where she is, it is HIS job to comfort her and say "I know darling, and I am sure Ex will always welcome you for visits, but WE are moving'.

OP, not only must your ex have her, but he must use HIS powers of parental persuasion to explain to her why it has to be this way and how it is GOING TO BE OK.

You literally have no role to play here, other than to reassure her that she is welcome to visit and even stay over occasionally (if you are happy with that).

Fuckingcrustybread · 16/05/2021 10:24

If op wasn't willing to fully embrace the child in such a sitiatun, she should have walked away ten years ago imo
So all op has to do is get her time machine working, pop back 10 years and say NO
What a fucking stupid thing to say. Numpty. .

SlightlyJaded · 16/05/2021 10:25

Sorry for all the caps. Cross and can't believe you are the one who is being asked to own the problem.

HughGrantsHair · 16/05/2021 10:25

but if the OP felt she could manage it

She's said she can't cope.

Noone can force dad to step up, but OP is being encouraged to step up despite stating she doesn't feel she can do it.

She must step up with 3 little children in tow.

Dad can't be expected to step up with just a new GF in tow.

CeciliaSeabrook · 16/05/2021 10:27

Maybe fostering if both her parents and her step mum are all keen to get rid of her.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:28

Please step up - excuse the pun - and put your feelings about her Dad to one side and look after her

No. The OP has three young children to raise now single-handedly. She can’t cope, doesn’t want to cope and it’s not her responsibility to cope with someone else’s child on top of this.

MMMarmite · 16/05/2021 10:28

I feel for the girl. If you wanted to take her in, it would be a lovely thing to do. But ultimately she is her father's responsibility, not yours, and he is being an utter shit to put that responsibility on you.

BrilliantBetty · 16/05/2021 10:29

Thinking about it. It might be a safeguarding concern that he is talking about leaving his child when he moves out. Ask children's social services for advice.

Thighdentitycrisis · 16/05/2021 10:30

She is going to be so fucked up
How will her half siblings understand that happened when they are older?

Please put her at the centre

BungleandGeorge · 16/05/2021 10:30

I expect he’s trying to emotionally blackmail you because it would be far more convenient for him to concentrate on his new relationship rather than on parenting his child. You have no responsibility for her, it would be kind if you had her over to see her siblings sometimes and kept up that relationship.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 10:30

Cecilia she is too old sadly for fostering. It would be temporary homeless accommodation if she refused to go to fathers.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:31

@BrilliantBetty

Thinking about it. It might be a safeguarding concern that he is talking about leaving his child when he moves out. Ask children's social services for advice.
Yes, I would be speaking to social services ASAP for advice.
GrumpyHoonMain · 16/05/2021 10:31

She’s not your daughter and over 16 so if you don’t like her you can just change the locks when she’s gone and throw her clothes out of the window. It’s not a nice thing to do but your ex is taking the piss

EverythingRuined · 16/05/2021 10:32

@Thighdentitycrisis

She is going to be so fucked up How will her half siblings understand that happened when they are older?

Please put her at the centre

I agree. Poor girl.
funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:33

If op wasn't willing to fully embrace the child in such a sitiatun, she should have walked away ten years ago imo

If the dad didn’t want to fully embrace being a dad to his eldest 16 years ago and now, then he shouldn’t have had her IMO.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:33

Please put her at the centre

This is what the child’s dad needs to be told, not the OP.

The OP needs to put her children and own mental well-being at the centre. She cannot cope with her ex’s daughter-that’s that. She certainly shouldn’t be told she should put the ex’s daughter, first on top of everything else, just so the dad can fuck off with his latest shag.

bigbaggyeyes · 16/05/2021 10:34

You don't have parental responsibility for this child, your stbx does. He can't simply leave her with you. If he does then you'll need to contact social services and get them involved. He could end up being charged with abandonment

Naunet · 16/05/2021 10:35

The expectations for fathers are so shockingly low. I don’t think I realised just how low until this thread, or how high they are for women.

gurglebelly · 16/05/2021 10:37

He is being absolutely unreasonable. Her home is with him and if he moves out so does she!

rainbowstardrops · 16/05/2021 10:37

He's chosen to move out to be with OW, so naturally his biological daughter should go with him! He's her parent! I'm baffled that he'd even consider moving without her.
As incredibly difficult as it is for your SD, her place is with her parent.
Could you suggest that she visits and stays over sometimes so that she still feels a connection to you and her half siblings?

burblish · 16/05/2021 10:37

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. OP, please ignore the armchair misogynists on this thread who clearly don’t give a damn about you or your own children - clearly, none of your needs are of any importance whatsoever. All that matters is that you are a woman and therefore just need to lie flatter. Oh, and of course you should give more of yourself to a stepchild (who has a parent) than to your three younger biological children (who are also losing their father for at least part of the week - but they’re only your children, not your stepchild, so of course they don’t matter either). Of course it’s an awful situation for your DSD to be in, but you do NOT have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, particularly when they already have someone who has actual responsibility to take care of them.

Livelovebehappy · 16/05/2021 10:38

It’s really difficult. Whilst you have no obligation whatsoever to take care of her, what would be the alternative? If your ex is willing to have her with him, then he needs to say she has no option but to go with him. That’s the reality of separated parenting, although the situation here is a different one. If he doesn’t want her with him, then I think I would step up and allow her to remain but with very good financial support from him, and also laying down your ground rules for your dsd. It must be very stressful. Flowers.

MrsMiddleMother · 16/05/2021 10:38

He definitely is, she has to move with him. You're not her mother and shouldn't have to be responsible for her. You're not kicking her out, you're telling her she needs to live with her actual parent.

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