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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
refusetobeasheep · 16/05/2021 10:08

I think the key here is that the dad will have her live with him if she wants it. So this IS an option - it just needs to be done regardless of if she has said she'd prefer to stay with OP. Let the dad know that he needs to live with her now as his biological dad, that she will adjust fine as the important thing is she sees her dad loves her. You will welcome her on visits and would love to see her, but she should be living with her dad now.

DifferentHair · 16/05/2021 10:09

This man should be sterilised.

How long before his new GF is pregnant with another child he'll bugger off from.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 16/05/2021 10:10

There seems to be the assumption that the best thing for the DSD is that she stays with OP - why? Abandonment issues aren’t exactly fixed by the actual parent not being around! Just because that is what DSD wants does not mean it is best for her. Also assumption she has behaved as a mother to her - she had a parent living with her why was OP her parent?

If the price of her staying is the three other children have a shitty time when why is this fair on them? Why does a child who isn’t the OPs come before her own children?

Oh and talking to the DSD about her behaviour so essentially putting it on her if she does leave - what do you think that does for someone who has been rejected? Effectively blaming them for the situation which can then transfer to previous rejections and make self worth issues worse as they are at fault.

OP this is not on you and you must put yourself and your children first.

I actually think her staying with you will be worse in the long run for her. She will likely test and test and her behaviour will get worse and worse.

Imperialheaven · 16/05/2021 10:10

Oh bless her, I feel for you and her in all of this.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 10:11

I absolutely agree that legally it isn’t the step mothers responsibility. I agree the father is being awful.
I am simply saying this will be the actual impact and to think carefully about the next steps.
If it was me (and I was a foster carer so have looked after other people’s children), I would accept the situation for what it is and see what support is available for the step daughter. She won’t stay long term anyway but it will be much less traumatic for everyone if she is allowed to stay until a sensible solution is found such as supported accommodation or she applies as homeless from home and is put on a waiting list for own tenancy and then given external support to sustain it.

DifferentHair · 16/05/2021 10:13

Also laughing at his reasoning that she naturally stays with the house, like a light fitting.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/05/2021 10:14

Yet another man expecting the woman to do all the bloody work.

What a shit show

CupoTeap · 16/05/2021 10:14

That poor child, what despicable parents she has been lumbered with.

Op if you don't feel you can keep her there then you can't. Don't let him guilt trip you she is HIS responsibility. I can't believe he is really considering dumping her like this.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 10:14

I absolutely agree that legally it isn’t the step mothers responsibility. I agree the father is being awful

OP isn’t her step mother.

You seem to be saying that you can’t force men to look after their own children, but you can force women to look after other people’s.

saraclara · 16/05/2021 10:14

I think the only way to treat this situation to get good outcomes and to avoid damage, is to treat each individual in the way that is best for them: to nurture and encourage

Does that include treating OP in the way that's best for her? And her three kids who the 16 year old is nasty to?

I certainly wouldn't be asking the 16 year old to babysit them.

CupoTeap · 16/05/2021 10:14

@DifferentHair

Also laughing at his reasoning that she naturally stays with the house, like a light fitting.
So true!!!
BadNomad · 16/05/2021 10:14

It's only her home until her parent moves out. She doesn't get a say. It's unfortunate but he really should have thought about the poor kid (who has already been through so much) before getting with someone else before sorting out his shit first.

Faithless12 · 16/05/2021 10:15

@MissM2912

I absolutely agree that legally it isn’t the step mothers responsibility. I agree the father is being awful. I am simply saying this will be the actual impact and to think carefully about the next steps. If it was me (and I was a foster carer so have looked after other people’s children), I would accept the situation for what it is and see what support is available for the step daughter. She won’t stay long term anyway but it will be much less traumatic for everyone if she is allowed to stay until a sensible solution is found such as supported accommodation or she applies as homeless from home and is put on a waiting list for own tenancy and then given external support to sustain it.
There is a huge difference between the OP and being a foster carer. For one you are paid for it. Two you do have responsibilities for the child in your care, you are actually a guardian. The OP would not, signing for school trips for example would have to wait for the father to sign. Who would do parents evenings, who would be the school contact etc... It's not as simple as you and many other posters are making out.
unim · 16/05/2021 10:15

Just wanted to say you might want to check out Therapeutic Parenting. It's got some really good strategies that you might find useful - they were developed initially for parenting children who had experienced early attachment disruption (like your DSD) but I find them really useful for my DDs who haven't got that background.

There is a great group on Facebook if you look it up.

If your DSD is acting out because she doesn't feel loved or wanted, some of the therapeutic parenting ideas might help to settle things down again (for you or for her dad).

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:15

The OP’s responsibility is to herself and raising her three children as a single parent.

Exactly right. And she won’t be able to do that to her full potential if she has the stepdaughter living there too. Let’s face it, she’ll end up having full responsibility for her and the dad will do the bare minimum if anything at all if he’s allowed to get away with it.

So many women on here are advocating for this father to absolve his role as a father, which is quite surprising really. I thought women on here were better than that.

The op’s role as a mum towards her own children comes first. They come first. She would be doing them a massive disservice if the stepdaughter continues to live there, because all of the op’s time, resources, money, etc.. will go on making sure the stepdaughter is ok. The op’s mental health will also be poor, which is also unfair on her children. They deserve a happy, healthy mum.

SweatyPie · 16/05/2021 10:16

@ILoveYou3000

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

He's been her dad for 16 years, when is it time for him to step up?

This has been said so many times on this thread and it's just the same as people who abdicate fathers of child support (only with sex reversed).

The point is, it's not about punishing the other parent (like how men want to withhold CP).

Letting her stay is for her step daughter not to get back at the dad. I mean, what- so because he dad is a prick you should be one too?

Ofc she has no legal obligation but morally, she raised this girl since y1/2 up until y11/12.

And it's no wonder she resents her siblings if she's not treated equally. This isn't a case of her having dual residency with two parents and having a mum. She lived there and should be treated as equal as possible.

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 10:16

OP isn’t her step mother.

Really? I know she doesn't call her mum, but surely she has raised her for the last 10 years, so what is she to her? Hmm

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 10:17

Naunet- you can’t force anyone to do anything.
I am just looking at through the lens of what I feel is best for that child having extensive experience in this field.
I don’t know the OP. I don’t know the father. But if the OP felt she could manage it (with external support), it would be in my opinion the position that would do the least further damage to an already damaged child.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 10:19

Ofc she has no legal obligation but morally, she raised this girl since y1/2 up until y11/12

Morally?!!! Morally the child’s parents need to step the fuck up and parent their child rather than dumping her on an ex.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 10:20

Really? I know she doesn't call her mum, but surely she has raised her for the last 10 years, so what is she to her?

They weren’t married, so no, not a step mother.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:20

I think the only way to treat this situation to get good outcomes and to avoid damage, is to treat each individual in the way that is best for them: to nurture and encourage

The OP has a responsibility to nurture, encourage and get good outcomes for her own children, who are currently living with a teenager who doesn’t listen to her and is nasty to them.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:21

But if the OP felt she could manage it

Which she doesn’t. She actively doesn’t want to! So, that is not an option.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 10:22

Naunet- you can’t force anyone to do anything
I am just looking at through the lens of what I feel is best for that child having extensive experience in this field
I don’t know the OP. I don’t know the father. But if the OP felt she could manage it (with external support), it would be in my opinion the position that would do the least further damage to an already damaged child

So pressuring an unrelated woman into taking on care for an additional, difficult child, when she doesn’t want to, is the best thing?! Really???

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 16/05/2021 10:22

Could you formally foster her? At least you would get paid. I’m not sure about 16-18 year olds.

Unsubscribed · 16/05/2021 10:23

As horrible and sad as it is DSD needs to leave with her Dad. She may not want to, and if ex has asked her if she wants to stay put ,as if it's an option , then he has effectively hijacked OP into become her resident 'parent' . Totally unacceptable and putting OP's mental health at risk.

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