Page 13 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

HughGrantsHair · 16/05/2021 09:52

@MissM2912

Red pepper soup- yes his behaviour is dreadful, but dwelling on it isn’t actually going to achieve anything other than re traumatise the child, who already has has significant trauma. The solution is to keep her with her siblings for now and have her move out in a planned way. If she goes with her father it will inevitably break down and she will end up presenting as homeless, stuck in a hostel or B and B where she will be introduced to other broken kids and it becomes even more of a nightmare. Have seen it all before. Zero point getting vexed about her dad as it won’t change the behaviour. Need to focus on the solution that will give the daughter the best possible chance of getting over this new trauma.

Surely the best possibly chance for the daughter is her father putting her first for once. Why does the step mum have to do that while dad can bugger off and leave the responsibility to someone else? OP has already explained the daughter's behaviour is not great in the family home. Who's to say it will get better when OP is exhausted trying to parent 4 children alone.

Dad should put the daughter first for the final couple of years of her childhood. Not move in with the GF. Get somewhere for him and his daughter and focus on that relationship.

But no, in our society Dads don't have to step up, because it's expected the woman will instead, and in this case, whether she is biologically related to the child or not.

Schoolchoicesucks · 16/05/2021 09:52

Her dad absolutely should be prioritising her (and his other dc) over his relationship with the OW.

He should be finding a home that's near enough her school and friends. That has space for her half-siblings to stay eow or whatever the arrangement is.

If you also want to facilitate relationship with your DC, she can come for dinner, maybe stay over too. You have been in her life for 10 years, if you are willing and able to stay as an additional, stable, trusted figure that would be great.

But he is her parent. And yes, it should entirely be presented as him wanting her to be with him rather than him having to take her because you don't want to.

justanotherneighinparadise · 16/05/2021 09:53

@Countrygirl2021

I also hope you realise her poor behaviour is likely an attachment response to a difficult early start in life and then more chaos in her life. Poor poor girl, 3 parent figures in her life and none of them could do their best for her.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 09:53

She may not be keen but it is the right thing to do. If the step daughter continues on the trajectory of being bucked out it will have a ripple effect and impact on her own children.
The stepdaughter most likely is already known to social services if the mother has addiction issues and dad was given full custody at age four. I would get in touch and ask what support is a available- the voluntary sector may well have local support services to help with youth homelessness prevention and the step daughter is a prime contender for this. Possibly Princes Trust or Barnardos. But moving her own really isn’t the easiest solution in the long term.

SkedaddIe · 16/05/2021 09:53

@KarmaNoMore

"- if op moved out with her 3 children, that 4 bedroom house wouldn’t be assigned to her ex, ow and an almost adult child. It would go to someone else."

Probably not.

If OP moved out (for example into private rented) the council would struggle to kick out the dad and DSD especially if they're paying the full rent on time

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 09:54

What the dad should do and what he is actually capable/ wants to do are very different things. If he gave a f he wouldn’t be doing what he is doing.

thenightsky · 16/05/2021 09:55

I'm thinking you probably won't even be able to claim CM for her upkeep as she's not legally related to you.

justanotherneighinparadise · 16/05/2021 09:56

@redpeppersoup

Anyone who thinks the OP is unreasonable but has no comment on the SD’s literal father fucking off into the sunset with OW without a thought for his daughter - raise the bar for yourself, ladies. Seriously.

Even worse they have no opinion of the child’s ACTUAL mother who’s womb she vacated.

justanotherneighinparadise · 16/05/2021 09:56

*whose

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 09:56

She may not be keen but it is the right thing to do

In your opinion.

Many people on here disagree, including the OP whose agreement is actually the only one here that’s important.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 09:57

It’s not that we don’t have an opinion but getting worked up about their behaviour isn’t going to change it.

Artichokeleaves · 16/05/2021 09:58

Always fascinates me, the very, very high expectations women have of other women to just abandon their own feelings and needs and somehow force things to work for the sake of others.

I mean, ex - gets to go play house with girlfriend, alone, the dating life again with no kids at all, with barely a mention of him other than 'arsehole' as if no one can possibly expect anything more than this.

DSD - teenagers are like that, all expectations on OP to take all responsibility and suck up all the behaviours, can't possibly be expected to take any responsibility for herself and why she's no pleasure to live with.

OP - handling broken relationship and ex living in part time while swanning about with other woman which must be hell on toast, three of her own and exes kids to support through the break up and to parent alone and to try and put together a future for, which is equally hard going, plus she is supposed to gladly take on an additional difficult teenager on top of all this because.... apparently she's the only responsible adult in the entire situation and that's just what she has to do because you can just demand that of women.

It's a very backhanded compliment in a way, of what many women are capable of and the sense of care and responsibility so many of them have in bloody awful situations, but it's not in any way fair or right, and OP has every right to say no, three kids to cope with that you're leaving me with, DSD is more than I have capacity for right now. I'm parenting three of ours and the much more dependent younger ones, you can bloody well manage to take and care for one.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 09:58

When I refer to the right thing to do I am speaking in terms of what is best for the child in this situation.

user1471538283 · 16/05/2021 09:58

I do feel for the child but I know how hard it is to get parental responsibility for a child that is yours let alone one who is not! Without parental responsibility you cannot make any decisions or claim child benefit or any benefit to help with costs. It would be untenable for you emotionally and financially especially as it looks like his plan is to have a lovely child free love nest with the OW. I bet that's the plan, they just wanted to swan off together. I bet the OW wouldn't be so keen on him if she thought a DD was part of the deal.

How does he propose to financially support his children? Does this include his DD?

Also, I've heard of families were the DSC have been raised by SM and when the Dad goes she never sees them again!

Naunet · 16/05/2021 09:59

What the dad should do and what he is actually capable/ wants to do are very different things. If he gave a f he wouldn’t be doing what he is doing

That’s not a problem for ex girlfriends to fix for him.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:00

She may not be keen but it is the right thing to do

No it’s not, not by a long shot. The dad should be providing a stable home for his child himself now. Like I said, women who are lone parents manage this all the time. I’m sure a man is just as bloody capable!

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 10:00

If daughter is sixteen and living not with parent she may be able to claim UC if not at school. Best to speak to benefits advisor.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:01

That’s not a problem for ex girlfriends to fix for him.

Exactly!!

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:02

@MissM2912

If daughter is sixteen and living not with parent she may be able to claim UC if not at school. Best to speak to benefits advisor.

Indeed. The child’s dad should be doing exactly things like this.

Not the OP.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 10:03

What he should be doing and what he will actually do are two different things. Screaming and yelling to tell him to do it won’t make him. Honestly- I have seen hundreds of situations like this and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. The child is the one that suffers.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 10:04

What he should be doing and what he will actually do are two different things. Screaming and yelling to tell him to do it won’t make him. Honestly- I have seen hundreds of situations like this and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. The child is the one that suffers

I would imagine women who get other people’s kids dumped on them suffer a fair bit too actually. What are you suggesting here? That OP should be forced to do his job for him?

HughGrantsHair · 16/05/2021 10:05

@MissM2912

What he should be doing and what he will actually do are two different things. Screaming and yelling to tell him to do it won’t make him. Honestly- I have seen hundreds of situations like this and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. The child is the one that suffers.

He isn't an absent father though. He's saying if she wants to live with him, he'll have her. He strikes me as just trying his luck with the OP to see if she'll keep her so he can have an easier life.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 10:06

What he should be doing and what he will actually do are two different things. Screaming and yelling to tell him to do it won’t make him. Honestly- I have seen hundreds of situations like this and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. The child is the one that suffers.

And it’s not the op’s responsibility to do it for him.

The relationship has ended, so her “duties” as a stepmum stop there. That’s the way it goes.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 10:06

@MissM2912

What he should be doing and what he will actually do are two different things. Screaming and yelling to tell him to do it won’t make him. Honestly- I have seen hundreds of situations like this and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. The child is the one that suffers.

None of this is the OP’s responsibility. She has a father-he needs to move out into accommodation suitable for both himself and his child.

The OP’s responsibility is to herself and raising her three children as a single parent.

Diverseopinions · 16/05/2021 10:07

DSD hasn't ever called you Mum, so does that mean that she sees you not in the parent role? Has she ever talked about friends who call their dad's partner mum, and what she thinks about that? How she views the family relationships will determine, greatly, how she sees the position she's in and whether she feels hurt and jealous about her siblings staying together. How has she been about your split? Is she hurt? Does she want to be with her dad, or does she feel differently about him now he's left the family.

I think the only way to treat this situation to get good outcomes and to avoid damage, is to treat each individual in the way that is best for them: to nurture and encourage .

It's hard to know, from the outside, how Dsd feels, how resilient she is; if she's very close to her dad.

I think he should definitely stay a while longer and ease all the kids into this new situation. But it shouldn't be all negatives, her staying: she could help with babysitting and shopping and things. Has she got teachers who can help speak with her? What's happening to her education and training?