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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 09:35

This is so sad but not uncommon. To be honest I would be keeping her with me but be fully prepared for relationship breakdown and your step daughter entering the youth homelessness system- either a room in a hostel or a supported flat.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 16/05/2021 09:35

Of course she wants to stay with you. She can behave exactly as she wants. (Which I don’t blame her for given her situation). Tbf to her she also doesn’t know her dad’s new gf very well and is probably worried about having to move in with them.

If you’ve given her a chance or 2 and she won’t change her behaviour then then she’s definitely not your responsibility and he has to take her with him. He’s BU.

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 09:36

And no-one is acknowledging OP's distress and stress at being abandoned for another woman.

^ there's a lot of talk on the thread of OW and how he split up the family going off shagging OW, but I don't think OP has actually confirmed that, it's other posters jumping to conclusions. I may of course be wrong, but at the moment all that's been said is that they are seperated but still living together and he has a GF.

HughGrantsHair · 16/05/2021 09:37

OP, what a horrible situation for you to be in (and the children of course). Once again, the man gets to do what the hell he wants and the responsibility is left to the woman.

He is capable of looking after his daughter, so he should do it. You can offer for her to visit when she wants, to continue seeing her half siblings, and you if she'd like to.

But she should live most of the time with her dad. He needs to step up.

OrchidLass · 16/05/2021 09:37

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time
This is literally mind-boggling. The OP is being told to 'step up' yet no mention of this poor girl's father who is leaving her. He's not told to 'step up'.

I'm not saying I wouldn't try to find a way to help this girl but telling the OP that she needs to be the one to parent her, instead of her own dad is ridiculous.

DarcyLewis · 16/05/2021 09:38

@IEat

Maybe the child is fed up that her you and her dad have split up and she’s expected to leave the home and family she’s known for 10 years , completely understandable.
Completely understandable. OP is probably pretty fed up too.
Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 09:38

OP has said herself that dad would take DSD to his new place if she wanted to go, I can't see social services being interested as there's no case here? Dad will take her but she wants to stay.

16 year olds can’t just choose to stay in a house where their parent doesn’t live! It is entirely up to the OP who she chooses to look after. Nobody else.

spotcheck · 16/05/2021 09:38

@mantlepiece

I think if she was younger it would be more of a dilemma.

She is 16, she is old enough to realise she needs to go with her dad.

No one likes change so it will be hard for her, but really she can’t expect to stay.

Is 16 really old enough? Or perhaps she is old enough to know she won't be cared for with her dad?

That poor child. No mum, now both the people who she looked at as ' parents' don't want her.

What a massive shame.

HughGrantsHair · 16/05/2021 09:39

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

Of course she wants to stay with you. She can behave exactly as she wants. (Which I don’t blame her for given her situation). Tbf to her she also doesn’t know her dad’s new gf very well and is probably worried about having to move in with them.

If you’ve given her a chance or 2 and she won’t change her behaviour then then she’s definitely not your responsibility and he has to take her with him. He’s BU.

He shouldn't be moving in with his new GF if his daughter doesn't want to (for the time being). About time he started thinking about other people in his life instead of what's in his pants.
andweallsingalong · 16/05/2021 09:39

I don't actually think it would get as far as OP having to call children's services, but it's a way of forcing her ex to make a decision before he moves. The alternative of it all blowing up on moving day in front of DSD would be beyond cruel and I thing that's why hes relying on OP giving in. Forcing his hand sooner and calling SS before the day if he still doesn't back down is kinder to DSD, but given he said he'd take her "if she wanted to go" I get the impression that when he realises that OP can't be bullied he'll do the right thing by his child.

Subbaxeo · 16/05/2021 09:40

@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan

I would let her stay and enforce strict ground rules. Not as a favour to your ex, but as a favour to the child you've helped raise. To stop the poor girl going off the rails because she feels unwanted. You've been a parent figure for the last ten years, I'm sure in her eyes, your her mum. It's not all about blood. Don't give up on the child because her father is an arsehole.
This-she’s part of your family too. If one member of your family does a shitty one, other members step up to help the vulnerable. My dad raised me as his own even though he wasn’t my biological dad. What a horrible situation for everyone. Her father is no role model for her and has let you down. But please don’t kick her out of her family home where she’s lived for 10 years and her siblings live.Talk to her about moving out when she’s older? That poor child has had enough disruption in her life.
WeAllHaveWings · 16/05/2021 09:40

If she wanted to go with him he would let her. But he thinks it's unfair for me to kick her out of her home!!

The poor child is onto her 2nd broken home and heading for a 3rd where it is likely she isn't wanted, barely knows the new gf, and just wants to stay where she feels most secure. She needs a lot of support for the move, but yes she should be with her dad.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/05/2021 09:40

The girl's behaviour and the root cause is a red herring. The OP has no legal responsibility. The father is a complete shit.

redpeppersoup · 16/05/2021 09:41

Anyone who thinks the OP is unreasonable but has no comment on the SD’s literal father fucking off into the sunset with OW without a thought for his daughter - raise the bar for yourself, ladies. Seriously.

Redwinestillfine · 16/05/2021 09:41

The other option is to legally get parental responsibility. Without thatorsone type of tennancy agreement your on shakey ground. Can you sit them both down together and talk it through? She's old enough to know what's going on.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 16/05/2021 09:42

@Cheesecakefix

I think it would be morally reprehensible to force your step daughter out. Her father is useless and awful and terrible in every way but forcing her out would be the wrong thing
It is really sad and I feel so sorry for DSD, but these difficulties are taking a toll and are going to start stressing the other 3. OP has her own mental health to think about and 3 younger children.
funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 09:42

Maybe the child is fed up that her you and her dad have split up and she’s expected to leave the home and family she’s known for 10 years , completely understandable.

But that’s just what happens. The dad made that choice knowing that one day his child might have to move out with him if the relationship failed. People should think about these things and be prepared for that possibility if it happens.

He should be giving his daughter a stable home himself now. That’s what needs to happen. He is the RP of his child. Women do this shit all the time and manage it! As soon as it’s a man he can’t possibly house his child and provide for them. No, it’s the stepmum’s responsibility that. Fuck sake.

When I was a child, the neighbours on my street were a stepfamily. She had 3 kids and he had 3. They lived there together for about 5 years. They split up and he moved out with his kids. I have no idea where they went, but he did the only right thing he could have done, and that was to take his children with him.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 09:44

That poor child. No mum, now both the people who she looked at as ' parents' don't want her

What a massive shame

Err what?! One of them actually is her parent, the other isn’t, they are NOT equally responsible or equal parental figures.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 09:46

@Redwinestillfine

The other option is to legally get parental responsibility. Without thatorsone type of tennancy agreement your on shakey ground. Can you sit them both down together and talk it through? She's old enough to know what's going on.
The OP doesn’t want parental responsibility!

If she had wanted it, she would have had it during the ten years she was with the child’s father!

She has a father-he needs to step up and parent her, not behave like a feckless irresponsible arse.

MissM2912 · 16/05/2021 09:47

Red pepper soup- yes his behaviour is dreadful, but dwelling on it isn’t actually going to achieve anything other than re traumatise the child, who already has has significant trauma.
The solution is to keep her with her siblings for now and have her move out in a planned way. If she goes with her father it will inevitably break down and she will end up presenting as homeless, stuck in a hostel or B and B where she will be introduced to other broken kids and it becomes even more of a nightmare. Have seen it all before. Zero point getting vexed about her dad as it won’t change the behaviour. Need to focus on the solution that will give the daughter the best possible chance of getting over this new trauma.

Catawaul · 16/05/2021 09:47

I don't think you should be paying bedroom tax at the moment OP. lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/bedroomcalculator.aspx

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 09:48

@MissM2912

Red pepper soup- yes his behaviour is dreadful, but dwelling on it isn’t actually going to achieve anything other than re traumatise the child, who already has has significant trauma. The solution is to keep her with her siblings for now and have her move out in a planned way. If she goes with her father it will inevitably break down and she will end up presenting as homeless, stuck in a hostel or B and B where she will be introduced to other broken kids and it becomes even more of a nightmare. Have seen it all before. Zero point getting vexed about her dad as it won’t change the behaviour. Need to focus on the solution that will give the daughter the best possible chance of getting over this new trauma.
That is A possible solution, but it can only take place if the OP wants it to.

Which she doesn’t, so it can’t happen.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/05/2021 09:49

Does he plan on paying for any of these children or is he a dead beat dad as well.

Naunet · 16/05/2021 09:50

Red pepper soup- yes his behaviour is dreadful, but dwelling on it isn’t actually going to achieve anything other than re traumatise the child, who already has has significant trauma
The solution is to keep her with her siblings for now and have her move out in a planned way. If she goes with her father it will inevitably break down and she will end up presenting as homeless, stuck in a hostel or B and B where she will be introduced to other broken kids and it becomes even more of a nightmare. Have seen it all before. Zero point getting vexed about her dad as it won’t change the behaviour. Need to focus on the solution that will give the daughter the best possible chance of getting over this new trauma

OP doesn’t want to parent her, how hard is that to understand? She’s not a default parent to unrelated children just because she has a womb. 🙄

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 16/05/2021 09:51

I think it's a given that the dad is probably a complete shit, who won't step up and support his family as he ought to. Unfortunately we live in a society where men do get away with this. The reality is that no one will force him to be a good partner or father, which leaves this child with a problem.
In the end, even though the OP has every moral and legal right to expect him to take responsibility, if he will only reluctantly take his dd, then there is a very real child who no one wants and the only choices are to be one of those adults who says 'not my circus' or an adult who does what they can to care for a child of their family, who needs it.

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