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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 16/05/2021 09:17

Whatever you do don't move out of your council house if you're in an area with v high demand / limited council properties. You'll potentially be seen as intentionally homeless and if you need assistance it would only be TA anyway or 'help to find' private rented.
Don't leave.

My thoughts would be that you have been in DSD life as a parent for a long time, most of her life and don't force her out. It is her home and making teenagers feel unwanted at this point in time is dangerous, everyones MH is suffering but they are particularly at risk. Surely you at least care for her a bit. Teenagers are tricky. I'd suck it up this time while letting ex know how you feel, but not her.

ZenNudist · 16/05/2021 09:18

I think you need to sit her down and treat her like an adult in training. Say that in an ideal world you would have all stayed together as a family but that now her dad has got someone else and decided to break up the family. This leaves you a single mum to three young dc and her having to move out when her dad does. She needs to understand that you are both being put in a bad position and you are sorry this has happened BUT you are not the bad guy. You have enough to deal with.

You could also say that you find her behaviour challenging and if she stayed you only anticipate difficulties ahead. But acknowledge that it's teen behaviour and you will probably have to put up with it from 3 of your own children but you just don't have the energy, patience or strength to do it right now. You are sorry but again you don't have to apologise for being human and for being the put upon party.

She is unlikely to take it well. I'd include your ex in the talk. Be firm. Keep repeating what is going to happen. I don't think its going to get so extreme as to involve SS.

You aren't kicking her out. It's outrageous to put that on you. Her dad has broken up the family. His dd is his family. He is gaslighting you.

SlightlyJaded · 16/05/2021 09:18

Agree with everyone else.

I think the conversation with the daughter has to be along the lines of "Of course you can't live here - you have to be with your actual parent, BUT we love you, your step-siblings love you, and you will have a place at the table whenever you come. Maybe even offer to do a bit of a shared custody thing where she is with you one weekend a month or something'.

Poor girl but completely not your fault.

Cheesecakefix · 16/05/2021 09:19

I think it would be morally reprehensible to force your step daughter out. Her father is useless and awful and terrible in every way but forcing her out would be the wrong thing

zigazigAH1 · 16/05/2021 09:20

he should take the other DC some weekends too, so you should get more time completely childfree

Why just weekends though?

Why should the OP have them mon-fri and some weekends whilst the ex has the vast majority of the time free to do as he pleases.

Justilou1 · 16/05/2021 09:20

I think we have to bite the bullet. Op and her kids need to be rehoused and so do her ex and his kid and his newest @twoo wuv”. The issue is forcing the dickhead ex to accept grownup timelines

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 09:21

I find it astounding that people are having a go at the op for not taking responsibility for the stepdaughter, and people are totally overlooking the fact that the dad is swanning off with his girlfriend not giving a fuck.

This type of misogynistic bullshit is why so many stepmums say enough is enough. Because allll the fingers point at them when the dad fails his children!

The op wants to move on with her life. That’s not to say that the stepdaughter can’t come round every so often, but she needs to go wherever her dad goes. The op will be forced to provide financially (probably fully as I don’t hold much hope of the dad paying maintenance especially as the op won’t officially be able to claim it if she has no parental responsibility/rights)

WilsonMilson · 16/05/2021 09:21

It isn’t even his house anymore, your problem isn’t your dsd, it’s your cheeky fucker ex who apparently already has another girlfriend and needs to get out of your house.

This is not your circus anymore, he needs to sort out his own, and dsd’s accommodation.

I do feel sorry for dsd in this situation, sounds like both her parents have let her down, but this really isn’t your problem. You were never married and you have your own children to worry about.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/05/2021 09:22

You aren't kicking her out. It's outrageous to put that on you. Her dad has broken up the family. His dd is his family. He is gaslighting you

Exactly.

The OP will be flopping in bed with exhaustion looking after FOUR kids, while he'll be rolling over snoring after a nice meal and a goos shag with his GF. NOT ON.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 16/05/2021 09:22

My DS' girlfriend lives with us - her mother left the family home and her stepdad (who had her in his life since she was a toddler) threw her out. This is massively damaging to a teenager. Although I agree that technically this isn't your responsibility and it would be really tempting to ruin his love nest by insisting he lives with his teenager, in your shoes I would keep dsd with me.
I think she might be easier to parent if you are the sole parent in the house.
I know it's hard work to be responsible for all the kids but in all honesty I don't think I could not keep her.

KarmaNoMore · 16/05/2021 09:24

I don’t think that social services would be starting a new case on a child is who is sixteen.

If you are in care, aren’t you normally pushed into “independent” living at that age?

Dora33 · 16/05/2021 09:25

Your ex needs to organise a place for him and your dad to move to asap. The current situation is unfair on your dsd, your children and you.
Its is very un fair of your ex to be going to to his Gf for the day and leaving parenting of his daughter where she treats you and your children so unpleasantly. Her dad needs to parent her.

For your own mental health & also your own children, please do not allow someone to stay in your house who is nasty to them.
Your children must be 10 years and younger. It's not acceptable for an older teen to be like this to smaller children.

zigazigAH1 · 16/05/2021 09:26

@Justilou1

I think we have to bite the bullet. Op and her kids need to be rehoused and so do her ex and his kid and his newest *@twoo* wuv”. The issue is forcing the dickhead ex to accept grownup timelines
Why does the OP need to be rehoused? Confused

She has a lifetime security tenancy in a 4 bed council home, which she requires the space of because she's going to be left with at least 3 children.

OP, under no circumstances should you be giving up that house.

DarcyLewis · 16/05/2021 09:26

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

My DS' girlfriend lives with us - her mother left the family home and her stepdad (who had her in his life since she was a toddler) threw her out. This is massively damaging to a teenager. Although I agree that technically this isn't your responsibility and it would be really tempting to ruin his love nest by insisting he lives with his teenager, in your shoes I would keep dsd with me. I think she might be easier to parent if you are the sole parent in the house. I know it's hard work to be responsible for all the kids but in all honesty I don't think I could not keep her.
Why did her mum abandon her?
funinthesun19 · 16/05/2021 09:27

I think it would be morally reprehensible to force your step daughter out. Her father is useless and awful and terrible in every way but forcing her out would be the wrong thing

It’s not nice but it’s the right and only thing that should happen. She should be with her father. The op is not responsible for her.

Attitudes like yours absolve the father of his responsibilities.

DarcyLewis · 16/05/2021 09:27

@Cheesecakefix

I think it would be morally reprehensible to force your step daughter out. Her father is useless and awful and terrible in every way but forcing her out would be the wrong thing
When parents move house, children move with them. As a parent you can't just leave your children behind even if they really like the old house.
Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 16/05/2021 09:27

I don’t think that social services would be starting a new case on a child is who is sixteen.

Well, they can't let a 16 year old sleep on the street. They would either force her dad to take responsibility or, if the relationship had broken down, find her her own place.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 16/05/2021 09:29

Darcy the mum is not a good person and also has a new boyfriend

Redwinestillfine · 16/05/2021 09:29

Time for some home truths. Can you contact the ow and ask about living arrangements for dsd and explain you don't have parental responsibility? The other option is to sit dsd down explain the situation, tell her that if she wants to stay she can but she needs to start contributing to the upkeep of the house and sign a copy to say she'll keep it clean/ not stay out past curfew etc. If she won't agree she can't live there once her Dad moves out.

covetingthepreciousthings · 16/05/2021 09:29

Well, they can't let a 16 year old sleep on the street. They would either force her dad to take responsibility or, if the relationship had broken down, find her her own place.

OP has said herself that dad would take DSD to his new place if she wanted to go, I can't see social services being interested as there's no case here? Dad will take her but she wants to stay.

IEat · 16/05/2021 09:31

Maybe the child is fed up that her you and her dad have split up and she’s expected to leave the home and family she’s known for 10 years , completely understandable.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/05/2021 09:32

The only person responsible for their child is the parents of said child. Sorry your getting a tough time op.
Absolutely she can visit or come at weekends to see siblings if needed but you have no legal basis to care for her and that leaves you vulnerable. I wouldn't do it for my dsc either. I also would bet he has zero plans to financially support any of the kids let alone fully fund your dsc.
To everyone saying op is fmsily well if that's the case her father should have ensured her stability and prioritised her either by formalising the custody with op having pr or by not shagging aroubd and splitting up the family. He is firmly the ONLY one at fault and he needs to sort it

saraclara · 16/05/2021 09:33

@KarmaNoMore

What is really insulting about this thread is how many women are happy to assume that parenting is an option for men but an obligation for women even if they are not the actual parent.
That.

And no-one is acknowledging OP's distress and stress at being abandoned for another woman. Nope, she's got to forget her own stress and upset and her own children's needs, and focus entirely on the 16 year old who is not here and who makes her and her own DC's lives miserable.

saraclara · 16/05/2021 09:33

Not hers

Naunet · 16/05/2021 09:33

Poor poor girl, 3 parent figures in her life and none of them could do their best for her

What a vile post. How do you know OP hasn’t done her best for her? Ultimately she is not her parent, the child has 2 of those already, they are responsible for her. Would you expect a woman’s ex boyfriend to take on her kids full time just because they wanted to stay in the same house, whilst she goes off with her new fella?

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