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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

726 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 15/05/2021 21:30

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

OP posts:
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 15/05/2021 23:24

Porkee, don’t you find a packet of crisps, chocolate and a bag of Haribo every night excessive at any age?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/05/2021 23:24

Also, maybe your dh doesn't send her away because he likes her being there. Why don't you do your own dirty work and send her away yourself?

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:25

It's really nice to see though that there are so many parents who have never ever found their children irritating. Honestly, you're all saintly.

Back in the real world...

toocold54 · 15/05/2021 23:26

Watch porn?

There are many unsuitable programmes on tv that aren’t porn that I wouldn’t want my DD exposed to at that age and it’s difficult finding anything appropriate on after a certain time.
I watch crime documentaries and definitely wouldn’t want my DD knowing the details of some of the twisted acts that are on there.

EileenGC · 15/05/2021 23:26

This was one thing in the UK that I didn’t understand at first. There seems to be this ‘need’ for adult only time. Having evenings alone, separate activities and trips, children and parents’ bedtimes are different so the adults get a break.

Where I come from everyone goes to bed at the same time, including little ones of primary age, every day, dinner is eaten late when everyone is back from work. Weekends are spent together and I have such fond memories of seating on the sofa with my whole family watching TV every Saturday and Sunday evening. I’m sure at times my parents were bored, and at other times I hated what they were watching, but it was so amazing to spend time together as a family.

I hope I can raise my children in the same family-oriented way, instead of constantly wanting to separate my life from theirs.

Rabbitheadlights · 15/05/2021 23:26

@Disabrie22 parenthood is never having time to yourself ever again? .... Nope not for me .. I'm human too, a real life person with wants and needs and feelings and my children understand that.

trancepants · 15/05/2021 23:26

@HerMammy

Does she not have interests of her own? It’s quite unusual for a teenager to sit with her parents every night, most are on screens or out with friends. Do you and DH never have an early night and watch a movie in your bedroom? why is he scared to speak up?
I feel like maybe the last 14 months have been very unusual? The normal interests that teenagers (and the rest of us) have, have largely been shut down and people are being asked to stay at home as much as possible. Even during the last 14 months when things have opened, they aren't normal and we have to keep an unnatural level of physical distance from our friends. We don't have to keep that distance from the people we live with. So it's pretty normal that a child who has just had her burgeoning independence cut off, has a distance forced on her social interactions, is choosing to be physically present with the people she can be physical with.
Rabbitheadlights · 15/05/2021 23:27

@serpenta what other details?

Haffiana · 15/05/2021 23:27

'Fess up, OP. This is your stepdaughter isn't it?

Interesting that last time you posted about this, when you were up-front that it was your step DD, the answers were so different...

This time the parents who also don't like their DC are agreeing with you.

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:27

@allthegoodusernameshavegone

Porkee, don’t you find a packet of crisps, chocolate and a bag of Haribo every night excessive at any age?
If they are otherwise fit and healthy with a good diet and getting exercise then no I can't get worked up about a bag of crisps, one chocolate biscuit and a few sweets from a mini bag of haribo. You make it sound like it's a share bag of Doritos, a whole pack of digestives and a huge bag of starmix. Get a grip.

I know everyone's children on here snack on kale and chia seeds though.

m0therofdragons · 15/05/2021 23:28

@LindaEllen I find it weird people think they should not have any private time away from their dc who should be Lord and master. Totally bonkers. Sometimes I need space from Dh and sometimes I want to clock off from parenting. While I spend most of my non work time with my dc, I’m not going to feel guilty for having a couple of evenings a week child free. With 3 dc there are times when I am done and need space. That’s really not weird.

Serpenta · 15/05/2021 23:28

[quote Rabbitheadlights]@serpenta what other details?[/quote]
being sent upstairs with snacks and an understanding that their presence wouldn't be welcomed again that evening.

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:29

This time the parents who also don't like their DC are agreeing with you

Not wanting to spend 24/7 with your child means you don't like them? I missed that. My poor DC Sad

m0therofdragons · 15/05/2021 23:30

I should add, dc have their own rooms. I’m not sure where you think your dc should go exactly.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2021 23:30

a packet of crisps, chocolate biscuit and mini bag of haribo at 8:30/9pm.

^^
Why would you give you kids the things most likely to keep them awake just before bedtime?

Clymene · 15/05/2021 23:31

@EileenGC

This was one thing in the UK that I didn’t understand at first. There seems to be this ‘need’ for adult only time. Having evenings alone, separate activities and trips, children and parents’ bedtimes are different so the adults get a break.

Where I come from everyone goes to bed at the same time, including little ones of primary age, every day, dinner is eaten late when everyone is back from work. Weekends are spent together and I have such fond memories of seating on the sofa with my whole family watching TV every Saturday and Sunday evening. I’m sure at times my parents were bored, and at other times I hated what they were watching, but it was so amazing to spend time together as a family.

I hope I can raise my children in the same family-oriented way, instead of constantly wanting to separate my life from theirs.

That's how I grew up too.

This thread makes me terribly sad. In a couple of years, most children will be out with their mates every weekend evening (or possibly locked away with a bag of haribo). And then that's it - they're gone.

But watching true life crime documentaries is much more important

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:32

being sent upstairs with snacks and an understanding that their presence wouldn't be welcomed again that evening

Terrible. Children having to spend time in their bedrooms at night. How ghastly. Best get saving for the therapy now right?

m0therofdragons · 15/05/2021 23:32

@Porkee are your dc coping as well as mine with the fact I love them but don’t spend every waking moment with them?

Last Friday I went out with friends from 6pm (drinks under a gazebo in the rain) I got home at 2am having not seen my dc all evening as I wasn’t even home - shock horror... my poor dc must feel so unloved but they hide it well!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/05/2021 23:32

What is this "clock of from parenting" crap? You are a parent, you don't need to constantly entertain your children, but to not even want them in the same room as you in the evenings is weird. It's like out of sight out of mind, can shut the door and forget they exist.

Rabbitheadlights · 15/05/2021 23:33

@serpenta ... It's generalisation really .... They know that after 9.30 they should be in their rooms etc but that doesn't stop them coming down. DD often comes down to show me a funny video she's seen on tiktok or whatever, they just know that they can't doss on the sofa, hogging the remote

BurbageBrook · 15/05/2021 23:33

I'm not shocked at the sweets, I'm sad that a mother would dislike spending time with her teenagers enough to send them to bed at 8.30 at the age of 15. How cold.
Daughter will be posting on the Stately Homes thread one day..

FairyDust123456 · 15/05/2021 23:33

I'm torn! On the one hand, I think it's incredibly sad you don't appear to enjoy her company, and realistically, where do you expect her to go? I was an only child and spent most evenings up until around 15/16 tbh downstairs watching TV etc, I would have felt very pushed out if I felt I wasn't wanted there! We mostly watched the soaps and things from about 7ish. OTOH, I did have a bedtime which was 9pm, so I suppose that was the time for my mom to have some proper quiet time etc. I think i do understand where you are coming from, it's just very awkward with a bedtime not already in place... Although I suppose this could be introduced? Honestly though, in a few short years, you will really miss her not being around as she gets older. As I say, i am torn!

Panaesthesia · 15/05/2021 23:35

What on earth is wrong with you? At whatever time you, the parent, have decided it is bedtime, you chivvy the child along to bed. You surely did this when they were small. It's no different now she's 13. You don't just let her roam around - you teach her how to be a functioning person by going to bed at an appropriate time.

Why on earth wouldn't you just DO this instead of acting like it's all some baffling mystery? "Scared" she'll "fall out" with you? Good god, the teen years will not be kind to you.

Serpenta · 15/05/2021 23:35

@Porkee

being sent upstairs with snacks and an understanding that their presence wouldn't be welcomed again that evening

Terrible. Children having to spend time in their bedrooms at night. How ghastly. Best get saving for the therapy now right?

Without being cheeky, yeah maybe. They're clearly going to be receiving the message that their presence is tolerated rather than enjoyed.
BurbageBrook · 15/05/2021 23:35

Some of my loveliest memories are being snuggled up on the sofa watching TV shows with my Mum as a teenager (her choice of programme, but I was just glad to be there). Or having nice chats sparked by the TV show. The thought of being sent to bed and treated like a 9 year old is just sad. And I'll bet kids like this won't be close to their parents as adults. So sad not to actually like your kids.