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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

726 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 15/05/2021 21:30

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/05/2021 23:35

If she is your step daughter then I'm guessing she's not there every night, so wants to spend time with her dad while she can. If that is the case it makes this even worse. Dont be so jealous.

m0therofdragons · 15/05/2021 23:35

@EileenGC this isn’t a British thing. What culture are you from? My family is all over the world and I don’t think “date nights” are that uncommon in the developed world (although I never call them that). I just assume adults who want dc with them constantly don’t like their partners very much.

Panaesthesia · 15/05/2021 23:36

(Oh, I mean the other option is that yes, for a part of the evening - the early part, obviously - you spend time with her and watch a TV show together or whatever, again this is normal, but sitting around being bored and wondering why she isn't going to bed is not.)

Serpenta · 15/05/2021 23:37

[quote m0therofdragons]@Porkee are your dc coping as well as mine with the fact I love them but don’t spend every waking moment with them?

Last Friday I went out with friends from 6pm (drinks under a gazebo in the rain) I got home at 2am having not seen my dc all evening as I wasn’t even home - shock horror... my poor dc must feel so unloved but they hide it well![/quote]
Childfree nights out are wonderful and to be encouraged in my book.

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:38

[quote m0therofdragons]@Porkee are your dc coping as well as mine with the fact I love them but don’t spend every waking moment with them?

Last Friday I went out with friends from 6pm (drinks under a gazebo in the rain) I got home at 2am having not seen my dc all evening as I wasn’t even home - shock horror... my poor dc must feel so unloved but they hide it well![/quote]
Wait... You enjoyed time without your kids?! How could you

To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight
Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:39

@BurbageBrook

Some of my loveliest memories are being snuggled up on the sofa watching TV shows with my Mum as a teenager (her choice of programme, but I was just glad to be there). Or having nice chats sparked by the TV show. The thought of being sent to bed and treated like a 9 year old is just sad. And I'll bet kids like this won't be close to their parents as adults. So sad not to actually like your kids.
I bet it wasn't your Mum's choice of programme.

My choice of programme might be Game of Thrones but I'm not about to stick that on with my kid hanging around the living room.

m0therofdragons · 15/05/2021 23:40

@BurbageBrook a never spent every night downstairs watching TV with my parents - quite a lot of nights yes, not every night. I used to cuddle up with my df more than dm and watch TV but as I say, not every night and they’d let me know if they were having time together (usually Friday night I’d stay but Saturday night I’d hang out in my room). I’m now 38 and very close with my parents. I liked the fact that many of my friends’ parents were divorced but mine still had a lovely relationship (which almost 50 years later is still the case for them).

Clymene · 15/05/2021 23:40

The OP isn't a step mum. I've read her previous threads and I do t think this is helping her so I'm out.

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:40

@BurbageBrook

I'm not shocked at the sweets, I'm sad that a mother would dislike spending time with her teenagers enough to send them to bed at 8.30 at the age of 15. How cold. Daughter will be posting on the Stately Homes thread one day..
I think, maybe, most probably, that they will live.
Ninefeettall · 15/05/2021 23:41

And on a side note, don't just assume OP is a step mum. Not all step mothers resent the very existence of their step children.

She is though. And it was obvious from her first post.

m0therofdragons · 15/05/2021 23:43

@Porkee yes but I was already failing at being a mum as I work full time and love my job plus I do a hobby 2-3 times a week. I embrace my failure (which is reflected in my dcs’ strong work ethic and great school results).

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:43

@Ninefeettall

And on a side note, don't just assume OP is a step mum. Not all step mothers resent the very existence of their step children.

She is though. And it was obvious from her first post.

Is she? Or are people just assuming that saying something remotely negative about a child must mean they are one of those wicked SM's?
EileenGC · 15/05/2021 23:43

@m0therofdragons having different bedtimes for children and parents is definitely a British thing. Shared by other cultures as well, but very different to Italy, Greece or Spain for example, where I’m from. I’m not saying parents don’t have date nights in those countries, of course they do. Going on a date once in a while (or even regularly) is very different to ‘sending children to bed’. We were never sent to bed, at one point in the evening my dad would check all the lights were off and door was locked, my mum would supervise teeth and water bottles, and we all retreated to our rooms for the night. I guess sometimes my parents would stay up a bit later to chat, but more often than not all lights went out at the same time. It’s just a different approach to the evenings. One that doesn’t make the children feel any different to their parents.

soupforbrains · 15/05/2021 23:44

Ok so I think there are a lot of layers to this.

YANBU to want some time to watch whatever you want on tv and to have some time alone with your DH

YABU to expect your daughter to magically find somewhere else to go and/or to be a kind reader about this.

YANBU to expect your DH to be able to give instruction to you DD

YABU not to do this yourself either

I don’t think in your current home with the space limitations you can entirely resolve this but there are several things you can do to ease it.

  1. Spend some evenings upstairs in your room with DH watching tv there. You can watch ‘inappropriate’ tv shows and films there
  1. Take a bit of control for yourself in the living room. If you want to sit with your dh then do so, don’t be a martyr about the seating when it clearly bothers you.
  1. Stop giving up on films or such just because your dd ‘makes bored sounds’ it’s a shared space and she knows that. You’re not doing her any favours in the long run by always giving in to her every whim.

Good luck though.

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:45

One that doesn’t make the children feel any different to their parents

But they are different... They are younger for a start.

What happens when you've got a younger child? Mum and Dad go and get in bed at 7pm in case heaven forbid they are seen as being different to their child?

Clymene · 15/05/2021 23:47

@Ninefeettall

And on a side note, don't just assume OP is a step mum. Not all step mothers resent the very existence of their step children.

She is though. And it was obvious from her first post.

No. She isn't.
paralysedbyinertia · 15/05/2021 23:51

When I read threads like this, I begin to understand why so many of dd's teenage friends have such awful relationships with their parents. If I had parents who clearly didn't want me around, I reckon I'd be thinking fuck you by the time I was 15/16 too.

I'm so grateful that my parents actually enjoyed having me and dsis around, and that we were never made to feel like we were in the way. It has never even occurred to me to want my own dd out of the way. What a sad environment to grow up in.

Porkee · 15/05/2021 23:51

This thread has brought out all the crazies.

Not wanting to spend every waking moment with your children makes you horrible, means they will end up on the stately homes thread and everyone is oh so sad for them.

A mini bag of haribo and a chocolate biscuit is bad. Very very bad.

Oh and if you have any remotely negative feelings about your child or if you don't want to spend all day and night with them then obviously the only logical conclusion is that you must actually be their step mother.

MeadowHay · 15/05/2021 23:51

@Porkee

One that doesn’t make the children feel any different to their parents

But they are different... They are younger for a start.

What happens when you've got a younger child? Mum and Dad go and get in bed at 7pm in case heaven forbid they are seen as being different to their child?

One of my parents is an immigrant and in their culture there isn't really bed times for children either so I get what this poster means. Very young children are encouraged to go to bed if they're practically falling asleep in front of you but they're not forced to and don't have set bedtimes. Often they will just fall asleep in the living room and parent will transfer them to bed. Cosleeping is very common with young children in that culture too up until the age of say 5ish (and certainly not unheard of beyond then). School starting age is later and young children will just have long naps in the daytime to manage going to bed really late at night with the adults. Meals are eaten much later than in the UK too especially the evening meal. I imagine a lot of cultures are like this.
edwinbear · 15/05/2021 23:52

@EileenGC your post is lovely and it's how we run our home. I love spending time with DH and DC, in the evenings, once we've had dinner and done homework etc we might watch a film as a family, or DC might go online and game with friends. Occasionally I go to bed before the lot of them, but nobody is banished to their rooms so DH and I can have 'couples time'. If we want that, we hire a babysitter and go out.

Carbara · 15/05/2021 23:53

Both parents have chosen to live in a way that the child has no space of her own, and is resented for adjusting her glasses in the living room. Well that’s me done with internet today. JFC.

toocold54 · 15/05/2021 23:55

And on a side note, don't just assume OP is a step mum. Not all step mothers resent the very existence of their step children.

She is though. And it was obvious from her first post.

OP has said this is every night so sounds like she’s the biological parent.

Serpenta · 15/05/2021 23:56

This thread has brought out all the crazies.

the crazies = people who don't resent their child's presence past 7pm

NakedBanana · 15/05/2021 23:56

You're probably not going to believe this but give that little 13 year old a girl a couple of years and you will begging to spend some time with her.

As a mum of a 15 year old and I would give my right arm for her just to watch a film with me or even say more than 3 words to me.

From Monday go out for a meal or something g with dh and have some couple time. I feel your frustration but honestly you will miss this time with your teen in the future!!

Devlesko · 15/05/2021 23:57

Mine are mostly gone now, I miss them so much and look back on the family nights we spent together, later teens forget it, as they always have somewhere to be.
It's great to see them independant in their own homes and family, the way it should be.