To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

Paralysed, same here, it was awful picking up on stress but not being able to figure out what was wrong.
Im perhaps too sharing with dd but even then I'd heavily sensor what I say.
It's all about balance isn't it, someone may be referring to really heavy stuff whilst another poster only slightly heavy stuff.

@bendmeoverbackwards but the DD doesn't have her own private space to go to. She has to share with a younger sibling. The adults have their own bedroom, there is also the communal space of the living room, but the girl isn't wanted in the communal space. It's an odd attitude to have, given that if the 13 yr old is going to bed at around 10pm, that would still give an hour or two for the adults to have the living room to themselves.

I'd always want my DC to feel welcome in the living room of their own home. I'd also be really concerned if they didn't have their own private space, the parents seem to want privacy but aren't really recognising that it might be important for their DD as well.

When we were younger my parents didnt allow TV's in our room so we often sat together and all watched TV. I remember watching lots of gritty dramas as a teen. My kids are 12 and 14 and prefer staying downstairs with us which I agree can be very annoying but I prefer that than stuck on their phones all night. My 12 year old usually goes to bed about 930pm and my 14 yr old usually then goes up to her room. I have a friend who insisits that after 7pm is adult time so her kids have to either be out or in their rooms, until 6am the next morning . I think having teens you have to expect that they can't just be shut upstairs like a toddler from 7pm!!!

Our 14 year old soon to be 15 goes to bed at 9.30 when he has school the next day and 10pm other nights. Tell her bedtime at 9 pm if she is 13.

Most adults watch tv in their bedroom.

Evidence? Lots might but I really don't think that most adults watch TV in their bedroom at all! Not to mention the fact that it's really not recommended in terms of sleep hygiene.

A lot of people are missing that OP isn't stepmum here, it's her daughter and her partner is the step parent (posters earlier on mentioned the OPs posting history and it's all in there). OP has admitted to being jealous of their relationship. I know it's not the done thing to read old posts but it does shed a lot of light on this situation

Why don’t you do something that you can actually bond with your daughter over? Cooking/crafting/board games etc. Make her feel included and wanted instead of just watching shite on tv all the time. Screens shouldn’t be raising your daughter.

At least shes not like my 12 year old who I hardly see as is always in her room. At 13 they can see more adult things on tv.

This is really sad. Your poor DD. Enjoy being a family OP, it won’t last forever. Can’t believe you’d prioritise watching TV over time with your daughter.

Op I too am sensing you feel misplaced/left out or the third wheel in some way. The problem surely is not a time being set for bedtime, as most parents do that easily, and I am sure you could do that too if you wanted. Do you feel left out? Do you spend time with your dd cuddled up? Can you ask her to sit with you instead? Is it the blossoming relationship between dh and dd that makes you feel sad?

I think perhaps you should examine your real feelings here. There are solutions to bed time routines etc, but it does sound like it runs far deeper. Both my dds have a very affectionate and strong relationship with my dh, and I am happy for them, so happy that they have that love and security. So I am wondering why you don't sound happy about it? Children come to their parents for different things. My dc come to me with problems, for games and usually when they want comfort of some kind, and they go to dh for outside games, help with homework and practical stuff. Where do you fit in for dd? What is your relationship like generally?

It is not too late to make some really positive changes if you want to, start by lying on the sofa with her this evening and watching something you both enjoy?

For context....

OP has openly stated in a previous thread that she is jealous of her DH and teen DD’s relationship. The OP also suffers from poor mental health (anxiety, depression and has BPD), her youngest DD also doesn’t sleep well and is also receiving help with her speech which impacts her behaviour. There’s also issues with lack of sex in her relationship with her DH.

OP husband is the step dad to her two older children (teen DD and pre teen DS), and they have a younger DD who shares a bedroom with her teen sister (the teen who sits in the living room on an evening.

So, there’s many issues this family is experiencing and it’s not just the teen DD sitting in the living room on an evening.

mrskoala That sounds incredibly demanding, your situation sounds full on and I am glad you have family support and regular breaks. I would do the same in your position.

Id love mine to do that! Be warned in a few years they wont come out of their room and never want to sit downstairs to watch a film with you............

This is so weird! Imagine not wanting to spend time with your own daughter, I'm absolutely delighted when mine deigns to come out of her room and spend time with me. My DD goes to her dads one night a week so me and DH get the younger kids in bed early and have a night together- grown up tea, glass of wine and an adult movie. Then two nights a week DH goes to bed early (tbh he goes to bed early every night but usually so do i!) and DD12 and I watch reality TV or a "girly" movie. I enjoy our nights just as much as my nights with DH if not more and I'll be so sad in a couple of years when she no longer wants to do it

@caringcarer

Our 14 year old soon to be 15 goes to bed at 9.30 when he has school the next day and 10pm other nights. Tell her bedtime at 9 pm if she is 13.

9pm for a 13 year old? Dont be ridiculous

Oh gosh by hairy, this all sounds extremely challenging and this dd 13 perhaps feels insecure.

It makes sense re jealous of the step dad because as pp said it makes my heart sing when I see dc and dh interact.

Are you the poster who had a thread a whole ago about their daughter (12 or 13) being "inappropriate" with their dad (the potter's husband). The thread went along the lines of the girl hugging dad, laying on top of dad, kissing dad and giving pointed look at the OP as if to say "haha". It was a very very strange thread.

Op I hope it all works out for you, how you treat your dd at this junction could well form the basis of your relationship with her in years to come, so tread carefully and be creative with ways to break up the nights.
Games, cooking fun stuff, something crafty?.
Now night's are lighter walks.

I would also check everything is okay with her friendships, teens do usually like to catch up either in person or on line a lot. I would want to know if she is okay at school and socially.

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline

Oh gosh by hairy, this all sounds extremely challenging and this dd 13 perhaps feels insecure.

It makes sense re jealous of the step dad because as pp said it makes my heart sing when I see dc and dh interact.

I think part of the issue is OPs mental health (which she’s now sought treatment for), the lack of intimacy in her relationship and the issues with her youngest DD poor sleep.

Op a family councillor or reaching out to a local family charity such as home start would probably support you better than posting on here 💐

We have no screens from 9pm for all teens term time. It is not unusual.

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

We have no screens from 9pm for all teens term time. It is not unusual.

How old as 13 is very different to 16/17/18?

Reading PP and understanding the DH is a step dad (married two years) adds complexity. Why is DH cuddling up every night to his DSD, a teen? Why more cuddling with step dad (of relative short term) than mum? If DH know DW has MH issues, why add in this tactile relationship? Or, is this why DH does, observing needs to compensate for poor/challenging (if that’s what OP has indicated previously according to PP) mum/ daughter relationship? I latched on to boundaries and the DC/DH sofa time initially. The full context makes me concerned in terms of safeguarding this teen. Resentment from mum towards child (OP), tactile with new step dad over mum (OP), ongoing MH of mum (PP), not great relationships (PP), set up of home for space for DD13 (TT). If OP does not like the sofa arrangement, then she surely needs to stop this? What is DH’s view of the sofa snuggling with his teen DSD?

OP?

@Birminghambloke Where does it say the DH is DD's stepdad?