To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

When on earth do you discuss adult matters, finances, problems with jobs, issues with health and all the multitude of other things that adults speak about that should not be heard or discussed in front of young children?

Well firstly a 13 year old is not a young child. But since I've only briefly seen my 13yo so far this morning I'd say Sunday morning was a good time. I don't want to be having adult conversations about money when I'm tired in the evening anyway.

mrskoala Having a hurried whispered conversation about important issues in life is a little unsatisfactory, and if I was your dh it would be a problem for me. I need time to talk to dh, to connect with him. Life can be really demanding, and finding time to listen to each other is literally the bedrock of relationships. The fact you have no space to talk is not a good thing, and kids running in and out is not a substitute for meaningful time together. I would book a babysitter and go out for dinner in your position at least once or twice a week, if you really can't get your young children into bed earlier. They are so young, they should be in bed much earlier than you in my view, and must be permanently tired. Children need much more sleep than adults.

Ultimately do what works for you, for us having time together as a couple is just as important as time together as a family. At some point the dc grow up and move away, you still need to have a decent and loving relationship that can function independently at the end.....keep your sense of identity, your relationship in a good place, some aspects of your own life.

I think most people can easily have both. Enjoy family dinner, play games, watch TV together but then at some point the dc go and read in their rooms and sleep giving you time to rest, chat together or watch something age appropriate.

Plenty of time to discuss adult matters without it interfering with evening downtime.

He doesn’t have to - he chooses to! He hates all that, isn’t a big TV watcher anyway, and gets up at 5.30 for work some days. I was talking more about the younger ones, who again, don’t really WANT to see naked bodies writhing around.

I talked DS (21) into watching a film he might like about a pilot as he works in aviation. I remembered it as an interesting story. The first scene had a naked woman full frontal, drugs, swearing etc and he just looked horrified and sat through another 10 mins or so before going up to bed . He has suspected ASD so very specific about things he likes. Has never drink alcohol, smoked etc and hates swearing ( he tells me off all the time for it)

@LondonJax

Why doesn't the OP's child have her own room? No idea. But *@Sunflowers095* not every child has the luxury of a their own room. My DSis's shared a room (four years age difference), my friend shared with her brother as I said up thread and my DS's friend shares with his brother (10 years age difference with those two).

Why? Because the younger one in two of those families were 'slip ups' in contraception. My DSis was a late life baby. My parents, like my DS's friend's parents, rented a house. They couldn't extend, couldn't afford to buy and couldn't afford the additional rent for a bigger house. So they worked with what they had. What else were they meant to do?

What a ridiculous question!

Not a ridiculous question. At that point surely the living room could become a room for second child?

That's what I've seen in families that don't have enough space for separate rooms, vs prioritizing having a living room over giving a teenager well needed privacy and space.

Mark that's fair enough! I just clocked the ages and was a bit about your 21yo going out of the way for 18 very films but if that's not his thing then good on him!

At 13yo, my bed time was 9pm. It got to about 9:30 when I was 14/15 but it was 10pm when I was 16yo.

I distinctly remember a conversation in sixth form with my then boyfriend who said that his parents also told him when to go to bed, and that flit happened to be 10pm too. My parents would watch the news on their own and then go to bed themselves.

I never felt pushed out. It was more than I didn’t like them setting a bed time for me at that age, not that I felt unwanted or anything.

DD can and should be going to bed around 9/9.15pm to read, buy her a kindle op then it won't disturb her little sister.

Dh and I talk about our days in detail every evening, and we talk about our intimate worries in detail. There is no way I would want my dc to hear about it, because it WOULD worry them. Of course it would.

I want them to feel carefree about life, and not have my worries to carry around. I have had family with cancer, friends with serious mental health situations, money issues, job worries, covid concerns, death etc. My work carries great responsibility, and sometimes I need to share my day - and certainly would not want my children to hear about my cases.
I think most couples need that time together. And maybe they don't, but we have been happily married for 23 years plus because we are there for each other.

My dc always comment that they want a marriage like ours because we get on so well, and we are great friends as well as a couple. We talk about family stuff, family problems, money etc and have fun together as a family but I don't tell them or discuss the ins and outs of the darker stuff, no, because they have a lifetime of adult crap ahead of them, and for now they can be spared the stress and enjoy a life without adult problems for now. As they get older, we will share more, but I feel children are just that, children and deserve some peace of mind.

My mother was an over sharer and it made me incredibly anxious. I grew up before my time. Being thoughtful about the impact knowing too much too young is a thing.

I felt privileged she shared her problems with me and scared witless in equal measures. Don't dump on your kids.

Gosh id love it if 13yo dd wanted to hang out with us in the evenings instead of spending all her time in her room!

Friday night is our night, for me and Dh. Kids are allowed to have as much screen time as they want plus snacks and pop.
Saturday is usually movie night with all of us and Sunday we play a game.
Mid week evenings they stay down with us until 9 ish. Oldest dc is 13 and he goes to bed for 9.30 on a school night.

You sound like the opposite of my mum. When I was in my teens I used to spend most of my time in my room reading, and she'd get annoyed with me for not coming down and watching TV with everyone else, and for being unsociable. She once told me to watch Eastenders to see how people behaved and I was like, "Mum, they're actors, it's not realistic."

Having a hurried whispered conversation about important issues in life is a little unsatisfactory, and if I was your dh it would be a problem for me.

I don’t recall saying that’s what we did. I said we usually chat in the kitchen while the kids mill about. I don’t think we’ve ever really discussed anything that the kids can’t hear about. It’s not like H is a sex worker and likes to tell me all about his day. He works in IT. Why would it only be a problem for my H and not me? Why am I the one depriving him of this precious adult attention he needs from his wife?

They are so young, they should be in bed much earlier than you in my view, and must be permanently tired. Children need much more sleep than adults.

You may have missed the part when I said they have ASD and ADD. I take the advice from their paediatrician regarding their sleep.

My parents always had them one night a week and we’ve never discussed anything differently or connected in any meaningful way on those nights. We usually do stuff apart and sleep really. We were never that kind of deep and romantic couple before dc, so nothing has changed at all.

The older dc are also severely dyslexic so cannot read. There’s no way they’d go to their rooms to read. They do often go up to build Lego, but like us to judge their creations every 10 minutes.

I don't know whether anyone's already said this; the thread has grown quite long, but is OP considering that the DH by snuggling nightly on the sofa with DD lying (on his lap?) might actually be avoiding 1:1 time with her? Are there frustrating, unresolved issues that somehow never get addressed because there's no privacy until he's ready to sleep? It's an odd dynamic.

On the positive side, it's gone on for a year - lockdown, obvs - so as activities open up, DD might start to have evening activities that broaden her horizons a bit and encourage her to spread her wings.

Meantime, perhaps a curtain, a kindle and a reading lamp might make her half of her shared room feel attractive and cosy? Even a tablet and earbuds for her music and shows that parents aren't interested in?

Ye gods and little fishes, that we should be encouraging a teen to huddle away with a screen! But she will grow up and away, as is natural, and OP and her DH will still be in a relationship and needing time to communicate and sustain it.

@littlepattilou I asked if the OP had a tv in her room, not the daughter. How about you read my post, instead?

And your walls must be paper thin if a neighbour can hear your tv, or living in a terrace with paper thin walls. Most people have a tv in the lounge room, and a tv in their room to watch late night tv or if they wake up during the night, or to watch early news etc. It doesn't have to be one or the other. My point is, everyone I know has a tv in their room, it is just standard, same as having a bed in their bedroom, or a cupboard. My point, was the OP could have watched tv in her room with her husband occasionally, instead of in the lounge room.

DD wears, the skirt, the trousers, and the boots in your household!

Maybe your 13 year old doesn't want to be banished to bed with her 4 year old sister every night either. As she's becoming more aware of herself maybe she could do with having her own space as well.

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline

our bedroom TV is one of my biggest luxuries.

Yep. But to me, it's just basic bedroom furniture. bed, wardrobe, tv, nightstand. Basic essentials imo, not a luxury. Most adults watch tv in their bedroom.

@HerMammy

Does she not have interests of her own? It’s quite unusual for a teenager to sit with her parents every night, most are on screens or out with friends. Do you and DH never have an early night and watch a movie in your bedroom? why is he scared to speak up?

My kids 14 and 16 stay with us every night and then go to bed. They spend quite a lot of time on screens during the day. But we have dinner together and 'shared screen' time together too.

I am sure we are not the only ones.

The opening post is strange though. Why don't you go upstairs and watch whatever you want if your husband and daughter are happy together.

At 12/13 I was sharing with my 6 year old sister. I used to put the tv on. Luckily it didn't wake her up or I'd sit on my laptop.
Shortly moved into my own room after my sister moved out. Which was easier.

I didn't have a bedtime from then on. Obviously I wasn't up until stupid times but definitely didn't have a bedtime at 16 like some other posters. I find that a bit odd.

@KurtWilde

What comes across in OPs post is her jealousy of her DHs relationship with her DD. It's clearly not just about bedtime etc. She seems almost resentful of her DD, and it's manifesting in annoyance at everything from eating crisps to fiddling with her glasses to cuddling up with the DH.

And the switching off the telly and disappearing off to bed is passive aggressive and immature. Actually I've yet to read anything positive about OPs description and thoughts on her DD tbh. There's bigger problems here than just not being able to watch what she wants to on an evening.

Agree with this @KurtWilde!! I can’t decide if it’s jealousy due to DH giving DD more attention or jealousy due to DD seeming having a better relationship with DH than with her mum. Either way, I find it really sad!!

My mother was an over sharer and it made me incredibly anxious. I grew up before my time. Being thoughtful about the impact knowing too much too young is a thing.

I guess we're all shaped by our experiences. My mum was very much like you, and she believed that children should be protected from adult worries. I hated it, because I was very perceptive and always knew when she was worried/stressed, even though she thought she was hiding it well. I just didn't know why she was worried, so my imagination filled the gaps. I was determined to be more open and honest with my own dc.

DD is very perceptive, like I was. She can read me very easily, so I am always honest with her about what's going on. If I'm stressed at work, I don't hide that from her at all; having said that, I have always worked in roles where I can't necessarily share the most stressful aspects of my job even with dh, because it's confidential. I therefore have proper professional channels for helping me process and discuss those things.

We are fortunate enough not to have had major money worries when dd was younger, so there was nothing there that we couldn't discuss in that department. She was aware of conversations about paying off the mortgage early, switching utilities, maximizing savings etc. I was then made redundant last year, and as the main breadwinner, that was a concern, so we talked about it as a family and agreed to tighten our belts until I was able to find something else. I didn't burden her with my worries at all, I actually think she worried much less because we were able to talk about it openly.

And again, I'm currently dealing with a significant health scare. I have been open and honest with dc about what's happening without "dumping" on her, because that's what I desperately wanted from my mum when I was a kid. DD is confident in the knowledge that she knows what there is to know, that I will keep her informed and that there isn't a whole layer of secret shit being hidden from her. I don't expect her to mop up my own angst or worry, but I also don't want to hide stuff from her either, because my own experience tells me that hiding stuff just damages trust and leaves the imagination to run wild.

It's a bit batshit to suggest that you need to sent a 13yo girl off to her bedroom to prepare her for university

@LindaEllen you misunderstand me. I agree that communal spaces are indeed that - communal - for all members of the family to use. But there are some posts that suggest that it's wrong to want some couple time sometimes once you have children. Family time AND couple time are both important.

This is so foreign to me. When I was a teenager I spent all of my time in my room and when I was grounded, my parents forced me to stay downstairs and spend time with them because they knew that being sent to my room (with my TV, books and computer!) was exactly what I wanted.

This poor girl obviously goes to dad because wants her there, isn't up for banishing her and well, he loves her. She's getting love from dad and hostility and dislike from mum so obviously she will gravitate to her father. Op you don't exactly sound like you are attempting to hide your dislike of your child and you are clearly jealous of the child and father relationship so it will be obvious to your daughter that mum doesn't want her there. That won't bother you though. Not to worry Op, your daughter will probably be roaming the streets with friends, well past 'bedtime' in a year or two where she will find more acceptance and welcome from friends and whoever she is with . Then you don't have to worry about her wanting a relationship with you much as an adult because she will reflect on how you always saw her as an inconvenience and made her feel unwanted and in the way. Problem solved hey Op?

Desperately sad.