To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

@bendmeoverbackwards

I’m laughing out loud at the suggestions of a 9pm ‘bedtime’ for a 13 year old. Mine is 14 and rarely in bed before 11. Teens natural body clock is to come alive in the evenings.

Totally true that teenagers' bodies are telling them they're not tired, but they do still need almost as much sleep as a primary school child and that's just a fact. Whether or not it's possible to achieve!

I've no idea what I'll do when mine are 13 and want to stay up but I'm thinking melatonin destroying screens will be the first thing to go about an hour before (I would like them to) sleep.

When I was a teenager my parents just told me to get up to my room. I read and then went to sleep! Which was no hardship as they'd be watching crap I wasn't interested in.

Having said that, teens do need their own rooms and if, they don't, I'm not surprised the family room with dad and the TV is appealing.

I'd give my eye teeth for this.

@MrsMiddleMother

I would just say one day a week I'd like you to be in your room from 9, you don't have to go sleep but it's parent night for the TV etc

But she will have to lie quietly in bed because her much younger sister is in there.

The parents relationship is the one that holds the family together and it’s important to nurture it. It sets a good example to the dc about a good partnership.

But I don't want'my dd to grow up with the example of an exclusive partnership that prioritises the couple over and above the family as a whole. DH and I were a couple first, but we have created a family together. For us, that family comes first, and neither of us would have it any other way.

My parents have been married for 55 years. They managed to set a solid example of a loving partnership without ever making us kids feel that we were superfluous to requirements, and without ever creating an "us and them" environment. We were a family and we all spent time together.

I honestly don't know why people bother having kids if they don't actually want them around. If you prefer exclusive coupledom to family life, maybe it's better not to start a family in the first place?

@ineedaholidaynow @Seeline yes I did say that in a previous post - Dd has her own room. But that doesn’t change the fact the op’s Dd can go to bed/sleep at 9.30pm. That said, if a teen doesn’t have space upstairs where else can they go?

I’m currently drinking coffee in dd1’s bed watching tv (rainy lazy day) while Dh hangs with dtds downstairs.

@paralysedbyinertia

The parents relationship is the one that holds the family together and it’s important to nurture it. It sets a good example to the dc about a good partnership.

But I don't want'my dd to grow up with the example of an exclusive partnership that prioritises the couple over and above the family as a whole. DH and I were a couple first, but we have created a family together. For us, that family comes first, and neither of us would have it any other way.

My parents have been married for 55 years. They managed to set a solid example of a loving partnership without ever making us kids feel that we were superfluous to requirements, and without ever creating an "us and them" environment. We were a family and we all spent time together.

I honestly don't know why people bother having kids if they don't actually want them around. If you prefer exclusive coupledom to family life, maybe it's better not to start a family in the first place?

And the issue most people seem to have is that they can't watch what they want on tv with the kids there, not that they want to spend time with their partner.

This thread is batshit. A child should be a valued and equal member of the family. Sending her away from the main family space so that the adults could have me time . Dear god. Go to your own room OP.

As for sending kids to bed with a load of junk so that they stay away, just speechless.

I have a 12 year old and she has a 9PM bedtime. She goes to bed and reads for a bit with a small clip on light as she currently shares a room with her 8 year old sister (we're moving soon to a bigger house). She's usually asleep by 9.30-10pm.

If we want to watch a programme not suitable for someone her age, she will take her tablet and go in the dining room or our bedroom quite happily. We are adults and a couple so we do need our alone time, especially during these covid times when no one can really get out much.

So I dont think yabu, but I guess an understanding that it cant be 7 evenings a week. But, you should bag the sofa!!

She shares her room with her younger sister so can’t go and relax in her room sadly

Well there's the 'problem' then OP. She hasn't got her own space in the house. Unable to relax in the bedroom, unwelcome to spend time with you. What do you expect her to do?

I'm with you @paralysedbyinertia , my DC are an integral part of our evening. I've already raised 2 to adulthood and they have lovely memories of us all together on an evening. They haven't grown up thinking the world revolves around them, or that they deserve 'red carpet treatment' (which is an odd way of describing family time but was used by a PP ) and they have lovely relationships with their partners.

I have younger ones still at home and I'm raising them exactly the same. It's OUR home, OUR living room, and they've just as much right to be in it as I have. I would never want any of them to feel unwelcome. And I was raised the same way.

@spelterg

This thread is batshit. A child should be a valued and equal member of the family. Sending her away from the main family space so that the adults could have me time . Dear god. Go to your own room OP.

As for sending kids to bed with a load of junk so that they stay away, just speechless.

Exactly

@spelterg a child can be an equal and valued member of the family without spending every evening together - totally bonkers. Sometimes I get home from work and we tell dc to go to another room so Dh and I can have a chat because stuff has happened at work they can’t hear but I need to get it out. My dc don’t feel unloved they’re just aware of respecting each other’s space. They sometimes as to chat privately with me and ask Dh to leave the room and he respects that too.

Why is it that no one in the UK or at least on this forum, has a tv in their room? Do you not have a tv/netflix/dvd player in your room, OP?

@paralysedbyinertia

The parents relationship is the one that holds the family together and it’s important to nurture it. It sets a good example to the dc about a good partnership.

But I don't want'my dd to grow up with the example of an exclusive partnership that prioritises the couple over and above the family as a whole. DH and I were a couple first, but we have created a family together. For us, that family comes first, and neither of us would have it any other way.

My parents have been married for 55 years. They managed to set a solid example of a loving partnership without ever making us kids feel that we were superfluous to requirements, and without ever creating an "us and them" environment. We were a family and we all spent time together.

I honestly don't know why people bother having kids if they don't actually want them around. If you prefer exclusive coupledom to family life, maybe it's better not to start a family in the first place?

100% agree with this. ^

I think it’s also important to remember that by the teenage years it’s a parent’s job to start to prepare dc for living independently and become their own person. If the expectation is that the whole family spends all their time together it might feel a little stifling. I wouldn’t want my dc to feel wary of going to university or holidaying with friends because they would miss their family too much. They need a few nudges and gentle encouragement to not be with the family ALL the time.

Just last night my partner and I were watching a film that was inappropriate for younger eyes - so we asked the DC to amuse themselves elsewhere. Monsters, we are.

Just last night my partner and I were watching a film that was inappropriate for younger eyes - so we asked the DC to amuse themselves elsewhere.

That’s absolutely fine - if you have somewhere else for them to amuse themselves. If you didn’t then it wouldn’t be fine.

@bendmeoverbackwards

I think it’s also important to remember that by the teenage years it’s a parent’s job to start to prepare dc for living independently and become their own person. If the expectation is that the whole family spends all their time together it might feel a little stifling. I wouldn’t want my dc to feel wary of going to university or holidaying with friends because they would miss their family too much. They need a few nudges and gentle encouragement to not be with the family ALL the time.

It's not an 'expectation' that they spend all their time with the family though. It's allowing the young girl who lives in the house the freedom to sit in the main living area in an evening.

I sat in the living room with my parents (often reading or doing homework in the armchair) most evenings when I was a teenager, and I adapted to going to university perfectly fine.

It's a bit batshit to suggest that you need to sent a 13yo girl off to her bedroom to prepare her for university.

As OP's DD gets older she will most likely want to spend more time chatting to her friends or going out with them when restrictions are lifted, it will happen naturally.

"When I was a teenager my parents just told me to get up to my room."

When I was growing up 'go to your room' was a punishment!
We did have earlier than necessary bedtimes as small children because my DM was so tired, but as teenagers we were obviously allowed use of the communal areas in the evening. We lived there too, didn't we?

@CokeDrinker

Why is it that no one in the UK or at least on this forum, has a tv in their room? Do you not have a tv/netflix/dvd player in your room, OP?

It was common in the 90s, but family members might still have wanted to watch the big TV downstairs. I think now people use devices for watching TV a lot more so tablets, laptops, phones, etc.

@bendmeoverbackwards

I think it’s also important to remember that by the teenage years it’s a parent’s job to start to prepare dc for living independently and become their own person. If the expectation is that the whole family spends all their time together it might feel a little stifling. I wouldn’t want my dc to feel wary of going to university or holidaying with friends because they would miss their family too much. They need a few nudges and gentle encouragement to not be with the family ALL the time.

Nobody is saying that kids should be forced to spend every waking moment with their parents. Merely that they should be welcome to sit in a communal area if they want to.

As kids get older, they naturally start wanting to spend time with friends as well as family. Unless there is some sort of social anxiety issue or similar, they don't need to be pushed. And frankly, if they do have social anxiety, making it clear that you don't enjoy their company is hardly going to help.

We don't have TVs in bedrooms because we prefer spending time together as a family. If that means compromising on what we might watch so that it's suitable for everyone, then so be it. My life doesn't revolve around what I want to watch on TV, my relationships are far more important to me.

Op I have teens, and I also need to proper downtime at the end of the day. We split our evenings into two. Before 9pm everyone is welcome to join us, hang out and sometimes they do, other times they don't. At 9pm gadgets are handed in and charged, it is then time to relax in their rooms. Mine read on their kindles for instance, as really they need to be asleep around 10pm as they have early starts the next day. We are more relaxed in the holidays.

An hour should be enough down time - it works for us - and we go to bed and check in on them around 10pm.

Mine watch netflix and chat to friends often in the evenings. I have found the lockdown extraordinarily hard with having people with me 247 with no space, that it is taking me time to recover from that, but mostly I enjoy my time with my teens, but appreciate the need for personal space as well, we all need it to decompress, teens included.

I find these threads (which come up fairly regularly) quite odd. When I grew up an only child in the 80s) there was one communal room with a tv and then bedrooms were for sleeping. I was part of the family and it was my home. It would have been really weird and rude to tell someone who lives there to leave the room so 2 others could be alone.

My dc are 8, 6 and 4 and go to sleep at 10pm. We have never had adult only evenings since they were born. If I want to watch something with adult content I watch Netflix in another room with my headphones on.

I always wonder what people who need lots of alone couple time were expecting when they had children. I understand when they are young most kids go to bed earlier, but by 13 they’ll be in the space you share most of the time.

I think it’s also important to remember that by the teenage years it’s a parent’s job to start to prepare dc for living independently and become their own person.

I agree with this. Can you imagine them moving into a house share/uni and saying to another resident, I’d like the communal space to myself now, can you leave? Because that’s the behaviour they’ve had modelled.

I've only read the first op page, I find the post so very sad, critising herself for eating her crisps sitting on the wrong sofa with the wrong person.

Op I don't think it's odd to want the odd night with your dh but I can't get my head around your post.
I absolutely love it when my 13 comes down stairs to watch a film with us, I'm giving her snacks, I don't care where she sits and I love it when she cuddles up to either of us.
As pp said, she'll be probably gone in five short years and in a house where she should be watching which sofa she sits on, who knows how much she will visit you.

I can't imagine how hurt I would feel if I loved joining my parents to watch something and secretly one parent was seething about my presence, my eating, my sofa sitting..