To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

@Rabbitheadlights

My DD 15 and DS 12 are given a filled drinks bottle (the kind they take to school ) and a packet of crisps, chocolate biscuit and mini bag of haribo at 8:30/9pm. (They usually only eat the crisps) then they have no reason to come downstairs unless they have a problem. We all need downtime even parents!

You send a 15 year old to bed at 8.30...

Dh and I often have a drink and a chat together in the kitchen for an hour or two early on - 7 until half 8 say - and listen to music whilst kids are on various screens - and then we watch something together later on. Could you try it that way round instead so that you get some couple time but also time all together?

When she has left home you will deeply regret your post. You are a family, it is her home, be grateful she wants to be with you.

Do you have any option of giving her a bedroom? A dining room?

Dd13 says all her friends have a bedtime. 9/9.30pm on school nights (not at weekends though so she usually goes to bed 10-10.30 ish. I don’t actually send her to bed as such as she’s happy with the routine unless she’s lost track of time reading. We do occasionally suggest it might be time for bed and she happily agrees or says can we watch one more modern family/Brooklyn 99. It’s a chat rather than strict parenting dictatorship.

Anyway, we just had a chat about how she feels when we ask her to give Dh and I an evening alone (because we’re really close and can chat about these things). The short version is she thinks this thread is hilarious and she’s happy to give us space because we respect her and give her space in return and living in a house together means listening to everyone’s needs. She’s a very mature and awesome 13 year old.

@toocold54

God, PP sending a 15 and 12 year old to bed.... so mean. So sad that people are so reluctant to hang out with their teenagers.

Kids need bedtimes though. I don’t think they should be able to stay up as late as they want.
I also don’t think they should be exposed to some late night programs but that means OP doesn’t get to watch it either.
A compromise is best - kids need rules and need to know that parents go to bed later than them but shouldn’t feel pushed out or that they’re not wanted.

A 15 year old does not need to be sent to bed at 8.30.

@m0therofdragons

Dd13 says all her friends have a bedtime. 9/9.30pm on school nights (not at weekends though so she usually goes to bed 10-10.30 ish. I don’t actually send her to bed as such as she’s happy with the routine unless she’s lost track of time reading. We do occasionally suggest it might be time for bed and she happily agrees or says can we watch one more modern family/Brooklyn 99. It’s a chat rather than strict parenting dictatorship.

Anyway, we just had a chat about how she feels when we ask her to give Dh and I an evening alone (because we’re really close and can chat about these things). The short version is she thinks this thread is hilarious and she’s happy to give us space because we respect her and give her space in return and living in a house together means listening to everyone’s needs. She’s a very mature and awesome 13 year old.

Your DDsounds ace, but I bet she has her own room to go to, so that she can do her own thing? She doesn't share a room with a sleeping 4yo where she can't really do anything much.

You could stop buying her crisps, for starters. Quiet snacks only in the sitting room is a fair rule until it's adults-only time, which it seems never comes round in your house, OP!

If anyone's being left out here, surely it's the little one? How does everyone know she's sound asleep and not crying into her pillow hearing everyone else downstairs having fun without her?

The 13yo desperately needs her own space, I think, not sharing or being pushed pillar to post. If you can't move or extend, have you thought of dividing the bigger bedroom into two and you move into the girls' current room? We did this for our DDs, 3 years apart in age, using their wardrobes as a makeshift dividing wall, side by side facing opposite ways. The back of each wardrobe could be painted or become a pin-up board with the addition of some cork sheet or tiles. Make the younger child's side the walk-through so the elder has more privacy.

You and DH need couple time to sustain your relationship!

@m0therofdragons does your DD have a room of her own or does she have to share with a 4 year old?

DS(16) now spends a lot of time in his room in an evening, which he has been doing in the last couple of years. But we do watch certain programmes together. We certainly never sent him to his room so DH and I could have time together. Mind if I say I want to watch something like Call the Midwife he does make a quick exit!

@DotBall

Oh god some of the replies on this thread make me understand exactly why we have issues in the classroom with entitled, rude behaviour from children.

Never given boundaries.
Never told no.
Never shown the distinction between adult and child (no, kids are NOT equal, parents should always get the final say).
Never taught respect (don’t give me bollocks about respect being earned, you show it in order to receive it).

We see it time and time again, the ‘kids first’ attitude. Sorry, but the world is hierarchical - better they learn that within a home setting before the world puts them straight.

I do a hobby that many children also enjoy. You can clearly see the divide between families with good boundaries and manners and those where the children do what they like. Yes, they are being judged by everyone else.

Sorry, but this is just bullshit. You actually have no idea how different children are parented, you're just making assumptions.

From the way my teenage dd behaves in school, you'd no doubt make the assumption that I was one of these strict, hierarchical parents, obsessed with boundaries and always ensuring that my child knows her place. We have consistently been told that her behaviour is excellent, that she is a role model for other kids, that she has an outstanding attitude to learning etc. One of her teachers said the other day that he would like to clone her. She's on track to get straight 9s in her GCSEs and has received awards for contributions to the school community etc.

We are not hierarchical and we are not strict. There is no "us and them" in our household. DD is respectful and considerate towards others because we treat her with respect and consideration. We don't make a big deal about rules and boundaries, we discuss and agree what's reasonable. And no, kids do not always come first in our house, but they don't always come last either. We are equally important members of one family, but as parents, we do sometimes expect to put dd first. It was our choice to have her, and that's what we signed up to.

In my experience, kids don't grow up into decent people as a result of strict rules and boundaries. Feeling loved and valued is the single biggest factor that makes a positive difference. Banishing a child to their room so that parents don't have to put up with their company doesn't strike me as a very good way of communicating that a child is loved or valued. Ultimately, parents will reap what they sow, though.

I don't ever remember sitting in my bedroom at that age. We had one sitting room and one TV. We only ever watched appropriate programmes - not that there was too much inappropriate stuff on in those days, but the slightest hint of sex or swearing and my parents would quickly change channels - and we didn't have a remote control back in the day!
I did, however, play a sport so there would be evenings when I was out at club night or matches so my parents had time to themselves then. One brother played at the same club and other brother at 8 years older was often at work in the evenings.
Children being in their rooms on devices is a fairly modern phenomenon.

@Rabbitheadlights

My DD 15 and DS 12 are given a filled drinks bottle (the kind they take to school ) and a packet of crisps, chocolate biscuit and mini bag of haribo at 8:30/9pm. (They usually only eat the crisps) then they have no reason to come downstairs unless they have a problem. We all need downtime even parents!

You are actually kidding right?

You banish your children upstairs with a load of sweets, crisps, and drinks, at 8.30pm, so you can have 'me time?'

Holy fuck. This thread goes from bad to worse.

During the week our just turned 14 year old goes to his bedroom by 8.50pm, reads for a while then lights out by 9.30pm. Because we often like to watch programmes that start at 9pm that can go on for two hours. 11pm is too late for him on school nights and it's miserable going to bed half way through a programme. As he has to be up at 6 - 6.15am every school day, 9.30pm is about right for his age. Most age charts recommend 9 hour sleep for his age group and he's always been bang on the charts with his natural waking time - never needed an alarm clock.

On Friday and Saturday nights he can stay up as late as he wants. We'll usually find a 12A or 15 film (we'll check a 15 film on one of the parent sites to see that there isn't something awful going on).

We don't have a problem with him watching certain programmes - he's seen 'play agains' of things like Unforgotten - but they are play again. I want to vet that there's nothing absolutely horrendous coming up. There's a difference between an autopsy in Silent Witness and the living person being hacked by a maniac for example. Once we've vetted it, if the story line is interesting, he can watch it. So we sometimes see something twice in the week. Once live and once at the weekend for DS on repeat. But that's fine, it's gradually getting him into more adult themes and we can monitor his reaction to certain programmes.

As he gets older he'll be able stay up until 10pm so it's not so much of an issue. But 9.30pm school days is fine for now.

There definitely are parents who never tell their kids no, and entitled kids who think they should always get their own way. I know plenty of them. But you can’t always tell which is which just by a child’s behaviour.

I think 9.30 /10 is a good time for her to go to her room .You and DH need time to yourselves as well you know! If you go up at 10.30/11 ,thats about an hour to yourselves .Why is she on the sofa with DH and you not though? As restrictions are lifted ,can you and DH go out for a drink alone ,does she have a grandparent willing to babysit at all? What about during the day ,can you pop out together then maybe.I think she is over dependent on you both and is a "Daddys Girl" maybe? As she matures she will no doubt want to socialise more with her friends .

Also you say it has been going on for over a year now.Was this due to Pandemic? As restrictions are lifted maybe she can have sleepovers /see chums more as well

@littlepeas

We spend the whole evening together, every evening - dc are 12, 11 and 9 and dh and I go to bed at the same time they do (9ish midweek and closer to 10 at the weekend). I love it - I am so grateful that they want to hang out with us and I hope it is a habit that sticks as they get older. Yes, dh and I can't watch very adult tv/films - we watch something together and some of it is officially 'adult' (nothing violent and no graphic sex obviously, but we watched Parks and Recreation together, for example and Good Omens). We usually have a puzzle on the go and sometimes we all just read or play a game, but we are always together - no one ever goes off to their room.

We are a family, not a couple. We will have plenty of time to be just the two of us again when they grow up and leave home. I wouldn't dream of telling them they are not welcome to be with us in the evening.

‘@littlepeas* you are still a couple even with children.

The parents relationship is the one that holds the family together and it’s important to nurture it. It sets a good example to the dc about a good partnership.

It’s about balance. I have 3 teens, they spend a lot of time in their rooms but I also really enjoy their company when they watch stuff with us.

They also like to see positive interaction between me and dh. It makes them feel secure. If your relationship needs a bit of 1 to 1 time then it’s important to make that happen.

That said in this situation it’s difficult if the daughter doesn’t have her own room.

I’m laughing out loud at the suggestions of a 9pm ‘bedtime’ for a 13 year old. Mine is 14 and rarely in bed before 11. Teens natural body clock is to come alive in the evenings.

I just want my 13 yr old dd to hang out with me all the time - can’t get enough of her. Me and her stepdad have been introducing her to all our favourite films and we cook meals together and have a great time. An only child needs the company.

Wow. So she doesn't have her own space, and her mother doesn't want to be in the same room as her. Poor girl. Also what's the problem with not sitting on the same sofa as your husband?

She shares her room with her younger sister so can’t go and relax in her room sadly, but she has our room that she sometimes goes and relaxes in.

Or, you go to your room and relax. That’s not a solution for a 13 year old. You can’t kick her out of a space when she hasn’t got anywhere to go. That’s just mean.

Just read that she's sharing with a much younger sibling.

My old school friend had to share with her younger brother so the need for privacy was a different type of need.

Her parents put their beds in opposite corners and put shower curtain rails around the beds with room in between the bed and the curtain for changing (a bit like a hospital bed). Then they hung a big swathe of material on each one - my friend's choice for hers and her brother's choice for his. My friend's mum put blackout material in between.

When her brother went to bed - let's say 7.30pm because of his younger age - his curtain was pulled around his bed. Lights out at 8pm ish.

When my friend would go to bed, her mum or dad would put her bedside light on for her so she wasn't crashing around, pull the curtains then she'd undress and read for a while. The only light you'd see was a little at the top and bottom and, because it was a bedside light, that was minimal. Her brother would be fast asleep by then anyway so it was only the main light that would disturb him. Both got privacy all night. If one of them needed the loo they'd put on their bedside light.

Day time the curtains were pulled back.

They did, obviously, have to repair screw holes in the ceiling when they moved but they didn't have a big bit of furniture taking up room and blocking day light. It worked well for them.

My ds is 15 and now spends most of his evenings gaming in another room. I really miss our family time and I’m delighted that our 12 yo still wants to spend time with us. I say this kindly as I felt the same as you when the kids were small but be careful what you wish for. My favourite nights now are the ones when both kids are under our feet hogging the TV.

Wow. So she doesn't have her own space, and her mother doesn't want to be in the same room as her. Poor girl. Also what's the problem with not sitting on the same sofa as your husband?

My thoughts too. I feel bad for the girl.

There are ways of maintaining an adult relationship without banishing family members from communal spaces. We quite often carve some time out early in the morning as we are both early risers. Or we go for lunch together when the dc are at school. I'm not convinced sitting next to each other watching tv can be considered quality time anyway.