To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

@BigSandyBalls2015

15 year old being sent to bed with Haribo .... what's happened to the teens of today .... we were heading out with a bottle of smirnoff at that age .

Same 🤣 Sounds wild these days doesn’t it @BigSandyBalls2015? 🤣🤣 Our time sounds like a much simpler time 🙌🏻

how much younger is her sister?

is she with you full time?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yes there are things that are suitable but there is also a lot that isn't but parents are too cool now to actually admit that and can't say no. When I grew up I had friends who weren't allowed to watch Eastenders and I wasn't allowed to watch one of the Star Wars films because me dad had read something about it not being suitable. I don't think that makes him a bad parent!

We have things that we all watch together and there are some programmes me and dh just watch on our own. Both my children appear to like spending time with me so I'll carry on as I am!

Do you want her to feel that she only has limited access to family space?

My mum felt like this. We were all sent to bed very very early compared with other children our age. At the time I was OK with it because it was nicer sitting in my room alone drawing and listening to music or looking at the computer once I had one at 16! But yeah, it didn't help my relationship with my mum. Now we're all adults if we visit obviously we sit up and have a drink and a chat but you can see my mum can't wait to get away. Actually the whole visit feels like she doesn't really want us there at all. She sees us visiting as a busy weekend and she can't wait for a weekend 'off.' I don't go very often these days. The real sadness is that my dad would love to sit up and chat and have us all visit all the time, but my mum makes it so difficult for us all that we don't!

Before routine
In her Room at x time bed time at y time

My dd13 has to go upstairs without electronics at 9pm on a week day. This ensures she gets a decent nights sleep on school nights. She doesbt have to go the bed, she can read or paint but definitely no electronics and upstairs. It also means I get an hour or so to watch what I want.

As for her interrupting films, just tell her to be quiet, or move off the sofa etc. It's your house too

[quote WeWantAMackerelNotASprat]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yes there are things that are suitable but there is also a lot that isn't but parents are too cool now to actually admit that and can't say no. When I grew up I had friends who weren't allowed to watch Eastenders and I wasn't allowed to watch one of the Star Wars films because me dad had read something about it not being suitable. I don't think that makes him a bad parent!

We have things that we all watch together and there are some programmes me and dh just watch on our own. Both my children appear to like spending time with me so I'll carry on as I am! [/quote]
Ok .
Laughing at too cool to tell their kids no. I tell my kids no plenty. Infact pretty strict. I just don't tell them to fuck off to their rooms every night so me and dp can be alone.
Also find it strange that some people's relationships may be a risk if their kids spend time with them and they don't get "adult time" every night . What are you all doing in the living room that the children can't be there for? OK sometimes there might be something a bit grown up you want to watch, bit every single night? Weird.

I do kind of understand needing a bit of your own space, my kids are 8 and 6 so are younger, but as a single parent I feel knackered at times and just want downtime, peace and quiet. I love them dearly but I need to be able to switch off. They go to bed at 7.30 but are often still reading when they go upstairs, I'll tell them to settle down at about 9pm. At weekends, school holidays, we have lots of movie nights together where they stay up late. I love it, it's precious time together. I often stay up really late myself if I want plenty of 'quiet time' but that's my choice.

I never had a bedtime at 13, I don't think it's necessary at that age. I would spend evenings downstairs with my parents some of the time but also lots of time in my bedroom. I feel sorry for teenagers having to share rooms with much younger siblings, I know that there aren't always lot of options but it's far from ideal IMO. If similar age siblings are sharing they are at least at similar stages. I would not begrudge my 13 yr old child wanting to sit downstairs in the evenings- especially if they did not have their own private space to retreat to. Poor girl, it must be horrible to not be able to relax in her own bedroom in the evenings, I would have hated that.

Forgot to say if you’re really bothered about watching unsuitable / post watershed shows you’re going to have to try to introduce a bedtime (not sure how long you’d get out of that ) or occasionally watch things in your own room if you can’t provide her with an alternative space that’s hers. I’d be clear it’s because the programme isn’t suitable rather than you just don’t want to sit with her though! I’d probably just try and watch these things when she’s out with her mates at the weekend etc though especially once covid restrictions aren’t so strict. Once she’s a bit older she’ll likely want to be out some evenings anyway.

The poor girl has nowhere else to go. Sending her to sit in your bedroom is just an awful thing to do.

Feel free to claim the sofa, but expecting her to just sit on your bed rather than in the living room is just grim.

There's a middle ground here, no?

Let your DD know that one night a week (the same every week) is an evening for you and your DH to have quality time together as grown-ups, and give the kids something to do together in their room on those evenings.

And have an evening where it's about doing something she wants to do together as a family another night –maybe something that isn't watching TV so it feels like something special for her.

Model the importance of prioritising different relationships in different ways at different moments so she can do the same as she grows up.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

The poor kid has nowhere else to go. Why shouldn't she spend the evening with her parents? Boot her off the sofa and watch something you can all enjoy. Job done. She's only 13, why should she spend her evening exiled in your bedroom?

My mum was 'old school'. She said she was a mother until 8pm and after that time, she was a wife.

Luckily, society has moved on. I don't want to banish my dcs from a room in their home. They usually meander upstairs around 9 ish anyway but some nights they stay and watch a film etc. They're 14 and 17. Works for us.

Just watch what you want to watch, if she gets fed up she’ll move away. That said, she’s not really got anywhere else to go has she? Enjoy the time with her whilst you can, might be frustrating now but you will miss it one day! I wouldn’t say anything to her about it cause it would break her wee heart no matter how It was worded.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion What are you all doing in the living room that the children can't be there for? OK sometimes there might be something a bit grown up you want to watch, bit every single night? Weird.

I'm not sure I understand your 'weird' comment? Do you mean you think it's weird for adults to want to watch a programme not suitable for children in the evenings?

My DC's are normally downstairs with us anyway so it doesn't really apply, but I'm not sure what's 'weird' about it.

The 13 yo has to share a bedroom with a 4/5 yo step sibling with sleeping problems (according to another thread).

OP states 13 yo bedtime is 10pm. So she is going to bed at bedtime.

I really cannot imagine sending my DCs out of the family space before their set bedtime. They are 16 and 19 now (at uni) but we still have lovely family evenings together watching TV. They had the option of going to their own room if they chose to, but often didn't.

Of course teens are hanging around at home more - they have barely been allowed to leave the their house for the last 17 months! They are craving company.

I feel so sorry for this girl. It's not the first time OP has posted in such terms.

I think it's reasonable to want some adult time.

I have fond memories of our household routine.

School nights we had an early bedtime.
Sometimes we'd stay up stealthily using a torch under the blanket to read a book.

None of us were damaged or resentful for having a regular bedtime.

Weekends were World of Disney and family board games. Loved it!

Let your DD know that one night a week (the same every week) is an evening for you and your DH to have quality time together as grown-ups, and give the kids something to do together in their room on those evenings.

You missed the memo. This can’t work as the kids can’t be given something to do in their bedroom that night. That’s because they have a teenager sharing with a 5yo. The 5yo obviously had a much earlier bedtime than a teenager. To get the teenager to go to their bedroom early one night a week means they will be sitting in the dark. That’s inappropriate. They need to give them their own room for this to work, or they can’t complain about matters as it’s really due to inappropriate space for a family which is hardly the teenagers fault.

HoppingPavlova

Exactly.

If the 13 yo has to share a room with a 5yo then she needs to be welcome in communal space at all times before her own bed time.

The thing is they just get older. You might be fed up but you can’t find a permanent solution that involves her leaving you alone in the evening, because that will be even less appropriate at 14, 15 etc. It’s her home too and you have to find a way to share the space. I do agree that boundaries, bedtimes etc are a good thing and I don’t “never tell them no” but I also think the teenage years are about becoming an adult and learning to take responsibility for yourself, so you have to gradually make that shift.

I’m a single parent and I gave up on having evenings to myself from my oldest being 13 ish. My DC want to chat and be around and my oldest now 15 goes to bed at 10ish on a school night and as late as he likes other nights.

But I have a bedroom, and I can read or watch something in there if I want some quiet. You and H have a bedroom presumably so it’s possible to watch different tv in different rooms.

It’s not easy when you don’t have a lot of space but just banning her isn’t an option long term.

You sound jealous of her relationship with her father

Would you do the same with your own daughter?

The 13 yo has to share a bedroom with a 4/5 yo step sibling with sleeping problems (according to another thread).

If that's the case, then it must be really grim for the 13yo to have to live like that. Teenagers need privacy and their own space.

OP still hasn't returned and said what she expects the 13yo to do instead. Sitting in your parents' room with none of your own stuff is hardly going to be a very appealing option for her night after night.

Before routine, In her Room at x time bed time at y time

Again, rtt. This will not work as she shares a room with a very young sibling who goes to bed hours earlier with lights out. There is no option for the poor kid to go somewhere ‘out of their way’ unless you want to stuff them in the living closet or bathroom, or have them roam the streets. The OP seems to think the teenager should just go sit on their bed all night until they go to bed and doesn’t seem to understand why this is weird and no one, be it child, teen or adult would be comfortable with this.