To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

Encourage turn taking with TV shows. Everyone gets a turn to choose. If she still chooses to sit with you both when it’s not her choice, take it as a compliment and enjoy the time you still have with her. Had my parents told me I wasn’t welcome to sit in the living room, I’d be really hurt and wouldn’t be a regular visitor now.

@Milesbennettdyson

8pm is adult time in our house. You go to your own room, watch your telly, play your games etc

I grew up in a house like this. Not very close to my mum now, have never really watched a film with her!

Your loss I suppose

@nancywhitehead

If you don't want her hanging around you every evening then maybe you need to think about providing a space where she can hang out and have her own space? Your room isn't suitable, she's not going to feel cosy hanging out in there all the time.

If you can't provide her with her own space then you need to understand why she wants to be with you rather than sat alone in your bedroom or with her younger sister. She's your daughter ffs.

Trouble is that it seems more that the OP is annoyed by her DD and DH being together and her feeling left out. Not about DD bring around her.

As others have said, where are you expecting her to go if she doesn't have her own room? For that reason, it's really harsh to expect her just to bugger off.

@FoodieToo

Wow, I think this is horrible . We have 5 kids, 4 teens . Love them being around , great fun. Where do you want your daughter to go ??

I don't. I love my children being around but really value my personal time with my husband.

OP, just move bedtime. Or say you're expecting her to be upstairs, in pj's, listening to music/reading until sleep after a certain time.

@Annietheacrobat

Completely agree with *@DeathStare*. The living room should be a communal space. I think back to my childhood and the idea of either of my parents ejecting from the room is unimaginable. Where does she do her homework?

Did you used to do it in the living room at night? I didn't, it was the kitchen table or my bedroom, during the day or early evening.

Bloody hell, we’ve all been locked down for ages with no one going anywhere. DD has hardly been ignored during that time I imagine, and I do think everyone needs a bit of space from their kids sometimes. Yanbu.

OP has only made 2 comments? Has she realised that she’s insanely jealous of the bond between father and daughter? Is she your step daughter or biological daughter? Is DH her dad?

Your DD needs her own room so she has somewhere to relax. Your resentment towards her will permanently damage your relationship.

When I was a teen, one of my friends had a family rule that one night a week (always the same night) she and her siblings went to their rooms after dinner so the parents got that evening to themselves. They weren't being sent to bed - they had books, craft stuff, later on a computer in their rooms - they were just being asked to amuse themselves with those things for one night a week. The other six nights they could spend time with their parents. I think that's completely reasonable, and plan to do it myself when DD is older.

Would something like this work for you OP? I saw that DD shares a room so maybe she'd need to spend that evening in your room - ask her what she'd like to amuse herself with for that evening and go from there? Or maybe you and DH spend an evening a week in your room watching TV or whatever and she gets the living room, if you don't think it will work the other way round.

Is this what families are like now? I’m beyond astonished that some people find their own children such a burden.

As my children grew up, our family life evolved. In the evenings, when homework, dinner, etc., was done, we sat as a family, or in the summer we would take the dog for a walk. I remember long family BBQs, sitting in the garden until bedtime.

Enjoy your children, they will soon be gone.

Oh I have never thought of sending my kids upstairs for bed time from around 13

It's weird that you are excluded from the sofa though OP

no space for 3?

I was very close to my parents at that age and absolutely loved hanging out with them and watching TV and chatting in the evenings. Many fond memories. I hope they didn't secretly feel like I was a burden. I must ask my mum!

I would feel a bit weird if I was made to feel like I wasn't allowed to spend time in the "communal areas", because I always felt that our house was everyone's home and we could all chill where we wanted to. I get that people need adult time but if it's making the kid feel like they're not welcome in their own home then that's not ideal.

Although my kid is only 4 so what do I know. We do include him in most things because we like spending time with him, but we still get our evenings after 8pm ish, but I don't think it would be an issue if he wanted to hang out with us when he's older. We'd just watch something like Star Wars.

Is there room in the kitchen for a comfy chair or small sofa? Or could you pop a big bean bag in there and set up a comfy corner where she can sit with a tablet or laptop or book? She probably doesn't want to constantly sit with you, but has nowhere else to sit if her sister is asleep in her room.

BabyPotato

Same here.
When my kids were 13 and teen years evenings were a family affair.
I can;t imagine feeling you want rid of a family member.

@Ozzie9523

In a few years you’ll hardly see her and she won’t want to be with you in the evenings very often. Make the most of this time with her!

This. This. This.

Be careful what you wish for OP

Milesbennettdyson

8pm is adult time in our house. You go to your own room, watch your telly, play your games etc

I grew up in a house like this. Not very close to my mum now, have never really watched a film with her!

Your loss I suppose

I’m not sure about this one, I grew up in a house like this too and I’m incredibly close to my mum now, I think it’s more likely you’re not close for other reasons.

I live having the DC some nights downstairs but not every night. when I was 15 I went out most weekends evenings (mainly to the pub!) whereas my 15 never goes out with friends at night.

Children of up to 16 years need 8-10 hours of sleep, even if they feel they are wide awake.

If a child of 13 goes to bed at 10pm and gets up at 6am that is still 8 hours sleep, 8am would be 10 hours sleep. I would think it is a rare 13yo that is up before 6am, looking at DD's friends only the swimmers do it regularly. I think it's completely normal for a 13yo to be up at 10pm even on a school night, I certainly was as a teenager in the 80s with a strict Mum (my DBro was allowed to stay up after 9pm for the first time during the Falklands war so he could watch the news. He was 10). During the holidays my 13yo turns into a complete night owl like her Dad and is up till midnight chatting to him (I'm a lark so like to be in bed by 10pm, thankfully our other DC are more like me). It's part of the joy of children growing up that you can start enjoying spending time together in the evening.

🥶

Oh god some of the replies on this thread make me understand exactly why we have issues in the classroom with entitled, rude behaviour from children.

Never given boundaries.
Never told no.
Never shown the distinction between adult and child (no, kids are NOT equal, parents should always get the final say).
Never taught respect (don’t give me bollocks about respect being earned, you show it in order to receive it).

We see it time and time again, the ‘kids first’ attitude. Sorry, but the world is hierarchical - better they learn that within a home setting before the world puts them straight.

I do a hobby that many children also enjoy. You can clearly see the divide between families with good boundaries and manners and those where the children do what they like. Yes, they are being judged by everyone else.

I have an 11&13 year old. Dp did get fed up a while back as we never get to watch anything above a 12 as they don’t go to bed until 9.30 weekdays and 10.15 at weekends. We’ve recently started kicking them upstairs on a Sunday afternoon (they’re only moping around anyway so it’s no problem for them) so we can watch something that has worked well. We get our alone time when they go out to an activity - does your dd do anything in the evenings? Guides, sport etc?

Other times we’ve been binge watching episodes with them, we’ve found some that we all enjoy - recently Gifted on Disneyplus. If they are into something they are less irritating.

I’ve been kicked off the sofa too so I can’t help you there. However, I’ve made myself a comfy nest on the smaller sofa and quite enjoy it!!

I grew up in the 70's with its adult centred style of parenting and my parents never sent us upstairs so they could have time to themselves. It never even occurred to me with mine, at 13 she will very soon not want to hang out with you at all.
I'd say your DH is the issue here and it sounds like you feel excluded due to them cuddling on the couch all night.

I didn't realise her sister was sleeping in the room, now I feel really bad for her.
Tech corner with beanbag in the kitchen

@Rabbitheadlights

My DD 15 and DS 12 are given a filled drinks bottle (the kind they take to school ) and a packet of crisps, chocolate biscuit and mini bag of haribo at 8:30/9pm. (They usually only eat the crisps) then they have no reason to come downstairs unless they have a problem. We all need downtime even parents!

This is a joke, right?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion why the raised eyes? It is post watershed and the child is 13. There are many inappropriate things on TV at that time not suitable for a 13 year old.

Well don't you sound lovely. Poor girl.