To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

We are a family, not a couple. We will have plenty of time to be just the two of us again when they grow up and leave home. I wouldn't dream of telling them they are not welcome to be with us in the evening.

Exactly this!

OP I think there are many issues conflated in this post.

I don't think its unreasonable for a 13 year old to have a bedtime on a school night (less so on a weekend) but at 13 that's not going to be as early as you might like (10pm maybe?) and therefore isn't going to buy you much alone time if you go to bed at 10.15. If you really feel like its important for your wellbeing to have some time sat watching a TV programme without her, could you stay up later than this? If not, then I'm sorry but your Dd really can't be punished for that. Could you put a TV in your bedroom so you could go and watch something on your own? (But if you do this I think you need to be careful to keep it an occasional thing and not for it to turn into a place you go to avoid dealing with the deeper problem)

This is a normal stage of adolescence and your resentment towards your daughter for what is normal behaviour is palpable. I really think you need some help with this and I would suggest some counselling. That resentment seems to be at the core of everything and unless you address it, I suspect that anything else I or anybody else suggests is going to really be tweaking at the edges. Also your DD is going to feel it and is that really what you want?

If you need some time on your own, that's understandable but banishing your daughter (on a regular basis) isn't ok - especially when she can't go to her own room (expecting her to sit in your room really isn't fair). Could you go and sit in another room and read a book, or do a jigsaw or something for a bit? Could you go out for a walk? Do you have any hobbies that you do an evening (or a couple of evenings) a week? Even meeting a friend for a walk twice a week might help.

I get that there's stuff you want to watch on TV that might not be suitable for - I'm a mother of teenagers and I hear you - but I'm afraid that's just one of the sacrifices of parenthood. I remember when my kids were babies I couldn't keep up with TV programmes as I was too knackered, then bedtime routine (and DC that wouldn't sleep) got in the way, then it was evenings full of taxiiing kids to hobbies. Now it's that the programmes I want to watch might not be suitable (my oldest is actually 16 and is now in the next phase where what she wants to watch isn't suitable for me ) I'm afraid this is just part of parenthood. Eventually (I'm told!) they move out and we get control of the TV back!

Can you plan nice things to do together in the evening? Are there TV programmes or films you can all watch? Could you play board games? Does your daughter have any hobbies - if so could your DH take her, so you get an hour on your own? Is there a hobby you and your DD could develop together as your "thing" -not every night necessarily but just some positive time you could spend together? Or a TV programme you could get into together?

The crisp-eating and glasses-fiddling.... it's really hard to tell how reasonable you are being from a post. My teens can be incredibly annoying to watch TV with at times (and I've once paused a TV programme until one of them had finished their incredibly noisy eating that was annoying the whole family) but this is easily stopped with a "can you stop that". And I have to admit that I think the obvious resentment towards your daughter does make it sound as though that is tainting your reactions towards what sounds to be (at worst) normally annoying teenage behaviour. What isn't reasonable is for you to turn the TV off and end the night for everyone because of it - that's a complete over-reaction.

You also sound resentful that your DD is cuddling with her dad, and I wondered if this really about other issues in your marriage? Do you feel your DH doesn't give you enough attention or affection? If do then I think this is something you need to discuss with him separately rather than projecting this onto your DD. If you arent getting much attention/affection from your DH then asking him to address this is reasonable; expecting him to stop giving his daughter affection/attention isn't reasonable.

From your post it sounds like you don't think your DH will back you with your DD and I wonder whether he also senses your resentment towards her and is defensive of her? If so, I think this again emphasises the importance of getting some help with this.

I'm sorry this has been so long but I hope it's been some help.

I think DD sounds like a totally normal teenager, and having them around well into the evenings is normal.

Teen years can be great, and they're over so quickly.

If you want time alone with DH, then the lifting of restrictions will mean she goes round to friend's houses and you get some time without her - or you get added teens in your house, and perhaps they'd rather be out of the way of he ancient old parents.

I think a teen who wants to hang out with parents is great, and way better than some of the other stuff that can happen. I'd be counting my lucky stars. I realise that's not your view, but I would caution against pushing her away (in this case pretty literally out of the lounge) because I think that's bad at any time but worst during teens

You need to instigate a date night with your DH once a week where your dd just has to suck it up and go and hang with her DS

Eh? This is a weird post. If you want time with your partner make time. Talk to your daughter....parent.

She doesn't have her own room, so you expect her to sit in your bedroom by herself in the evenings? How sad.

As a mum of a 20yo Dd who still lives at home I find this really sad. Dd is welcome to spend as much time with us downstairs as she wants. Sometimes I wish it was more!

When she was 13yo we spent many evenings watching the Gilmore Girls together. I can’t say I enjoyed the programme much but I was happy to be spending time with her. Honestly when I look back at her teenage years I remember those evenings so fondly, I really think they helped keep our relationship on an even keel.

I don't understand why people don't want to socialise with their dc - surely this is normal behaviour? This is how bonds are created once they no longer need you from a practical point of view. You can't expect them to behave like toddlers once they hit their teens - it is a different life stage and they need to socialise within their family group in a different way.

@MissM2912

I appreciate it is annoying but if she is an only child she is probably lonely. How would you feel if your husband and daughter told you to go away.

Lol at assuming a lonely only child. What a crap theory.

I think people who send their children upstairs in the evenings is really sad to be honest. Personally I preferred spending time in my room at that age anyway but my mum would never send me upstairs if I did want to be downstairs. A boy I was at school with told us his parents sent him up at 8pm and I thought it was horrible.

I'd actually be devastated if my mum had written this about me.

Three times in your OP you mention some element of Dd relationship with your DH. Perhaps you might want to reflect on that?
You and DH and your Dd are a family but you both are the heads...ypu are the ones that need to make sure that you get family time and couple time. Your Dd is a teen she has nowhere else to go. You can't send her to your bedroom! Why don't you go up there yourself anyway?
Time as a couple isn't just about sitting watching TV together.

This child really needs her own space. She must feel so awkward not having her own room to retreat to given how you feel about her. My parents were lovely and always made us feel welcome downstairs, but still the three of us liked to hang out in our own or each other's rooms as teenagers. They used to bribe us downstairs with popcorn and a movie. I shared with my younger sister for a bit while they were renovating our house, but there was only an 18 month age gap and we got along very well... not the same as sharing with a badly-behaved 4/5 year old. Room-sharing is fine for similar age children, but it is not ideal in your circumstances. Now, there may be nothing you can do about this, but then you just have to accept the impact on your family dynamic of your teenager not having her own space (rather than blaming her for it). If you want teenagers to go to ground upstairs, you need to give them a hole to do it in.

The OP reads like a jealous stepmother resenting her stepdaughter's bond with her father.

I have a very chatty 15yo and sometimes it is wearing to be constantly interrupted when I desperately need a bit of quiet time, so I do get that side of it, but the thing about dd and dh on the sofa together in just rather strange. It almost sounds as if you feel you're in competition with her, OP. There's a lot to unpick here, and you really do need to unpick it.

DD is 14, sometimes, just sometimes, I want her to go upstairs to her room. Usually if she is being whiny, and is over tired. Mainly as a precursor to trying to get her to get enough sleep.

However, 4/5 years will fly by, then, that will be it for us on the 'full time parenting' bit as she hopefully goes to Uni etc.

Try not to wish it away OP, I certainly am

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

I don’t think this is sad whatsoever. She’s 13, she still needs boundaries and definitely needs to go to bed earlier than 10pm on a school night! You need time to yourselves sometimes as well plus it isn’t even as if she’s sitting there quietly watching whatever you two want is she, sounds like she’s even dictating what goes on TV. Nah, she’s a child and you’re the parent so you need to set the boundaries.

Absolutely this.

I think she should be upstairs, getting herself ready for bed by 9.30. Enforce this. Also arrange a ‘date night’ now that restaurants are opening. Can she babysit her younger sister one weekend evening, while you go out for a couple of hours?

Also, try to enjoy and make the most of her company. My DD is 16 and I know she’ll be away at uni soon - I’m dreading it, as I love spending time with her and will miss her terribly. Enjoy her company while you can.

@BurbageBrook

I'm not shocked at the sweets, I'm sad that a mother would dislike spending time with her teenagers enough to send them to bed at 8.30 at the age of 15. How cold. Daughter will be posting on the Stately Homes thread one day..

She really won't. I went to bed/my room by 9 latest, until I moved out. It was my downtime before bed too. It's not healthy to be together 24/7.

Completely agree with @DeathStare. The living room should be a communal space. I think back to my childhood and the idea of either of my parents ejecting from the room is unimaginable. Where does she do her homework?

She really won't. I went to bed/my room by 9 latest, until I moved out

Did you have to share with a younger sibling (8 years younger than you), so you were never alone ne in your room, and had to be in the quiet and dark) to avoid disturbing sleep?

I liked being in my room as a teen - but it was mine alone. And I don't think that's remotely like the DD's circs here.

Just wondering - where does she do her homework? Does she have a quiet and undisturbed place for that?

OP, I really miss the years my DC sat with us every evening after tea/evening meal.
They are now out, in their room or working.
I have all the time in the world, can watch what I like but I miss them.