To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

@alexdgr8

just tell her to go to bed. she should not be watching anything after 9pm anyway, its the watershed. how have you got into this situation. what will she be like in a couple of years time, you need to assert your authority. she needs boundaries, all children do, they get insecure otherwise, can go off the rails. she has and will have plenty of friends. only gets one go at parents. be the parents she needs, instead of cod pals.

I disagree with the PP - yes you only get one go at being a parent , sure. But to me, these times are precious - in a few years she'll be gone and you may never be so close again. Why push your kids away just so you can have "me time" ? When they are gone you'll have all the "me time" in the world and you'll miss them so much.

Some of my best memories are of my kids snuggling up on the sofa with me, watching a movie and munching chips. Those times are precious !

@alexdgr8

just tell her to go to bed. she should not be watching anything after 9pm anyway, its the watershed. how have you got into this situation. what will she be like in a couple of years time, you need to assert your authority. she needs boundaries, all children do, they get insecure otherwise, can go off the rails. she has and will have plenty of friends. only gets one go at parents. be the parents she needs, instead of cod pals.

is this meant to be a poem?

A very dull, very boring, very twatty poem?

It's very weird that in 13 pages only two posts have acknowledged this little thing called a global pandemic? Comments saying it's strange a teenager chooses to stay in every night?

In the OP, it explicitly says this has been going on for a bit more than a year so it obviously dates to the start of lockdown.

Whatever other issues the OP has over being a parent, the fact families have been essentially locked up together for over a year with very few opportunities for getting away from each other has placed many families under extreme stress.

Very few teenagers would choose to sit at home every single night but for the past year teens have been forced to do exactly that. Poor girl doesn't even have her own bedroom.

It sounds like it might be good to try to bond with your DD so that you can enjoy her company more. What about some board or card games or activities that you both enjoy? Artistic or creative? Baking or gardening?

It's not reasonable to feel annoyed with someone for eating crisps or adjusting their glasses. It's perfectly normal for older DC to socialize with their parents in the evening. I think you need to deeply examine why you feel these negative emotions about your DD and what the fear is that is driving it.

Holy hell. Where do you want her to go- wandering the streets? Lying on her bed in the dark (as younger sister asleep in their room). Maybe an extra long toilet visit for a few hours until bedtime? I’d be thankful she’s happy to spend time with you in the house.

You seem to be missing the news flash that kids grow up. They don’t stay toddlers. They don’t stay young kids with early bedtimes. They grow into teenagers with the same bedtime as yourself. Then they turn into young adults who are in, or out and in and all at different times so there’s always someone around and underfoot.

If this disturbs you so much then move somewhere that has a second lounge room. At a certain time they can go there and watch something appropriate before bed. It beats sending them to lay in a dark bedroom for hours or wander the streets until you watch what you want to watch. Sacrifices as a parent don’t end when toddlers turn into kids for goodness sake. Why can’t you put a TV in your bedroom and leave her to watch TV downstairs and 2 nights a week go up and watch whatever is inappropriate for her. I wouldn’t ask her to watch TV in your bedroom as it’s not her space, how would you feel going to someone else’s bedroom to spend time, that’s weird.

I have several and used the 2 lounge system when they were teens and we wanted to watch things like GoT. Now though, it’s based on who’s in and who wants to watch what. If someone wants to watch what is on TV in main lounge they sit there, if someone prefers what’s negotiated for viewing in second lounge they go sit there. It often means DH and I are in different rooms with different company if we prefer different programs at that time. If someone doesn’t want to watch what others are watching they will go to their room and watch Netflix or whatever on their iPad and that includes DH and I. I’d be mortified to think of my kids, even at this age, as an inconvenience and ask them to leave us alone. They come and go as they please now of an evening, except the one on their Learners (have to con someone into driving them), and it would be a rare time when someone’s not around and that’s okay. Soon enough we will be looking at an empty room and while that’s life’s progression I know what I’d prefer!

@FoodieToo

Wow, I think this is horrible . We have 5 kids, 4 teens . Love them being around , great fun. Where do you want your daughter to go ??

To bed, where did you think, the outer Hebrides?

@HerMammy

MN is the only place where I come across parents who devote 24/7 to kids, it’s not sad that parents want and should have sometime to themselves. Red carpet treatment of kids isn’t doing them any favours except teaching them to be selfish and expect to have their way all of the time. It’s sad that a grown man is scared of his DD13 and capitulates to her for fear she ‘falls out with him’ that’s pathetic.

Agreed!

😳 this is really sad

If you want your kid to feck off upstairs out of your way the least you can do is give her a bedroom that she doesn't have to share with another sibling.

I'd have though this was obvious.

I haven't read the full thread but how sad! Your poor daughter. Loads of parents would love to have their kids not stuck in their rooms.
We have a 12 and.a 14 year old. We search endlessly for stuff we can all watch on TV together because we want them with us. I'd feel gutted if they sat in their rooms on their own.
This kid can't even hang out in her room anyway so what do you want her to do??

Enjoy having a 13 year old who loves her Dad and wants to be with you all.

Maybe it has been highlighted because of covid and in normal times she would have been out more often with friends, DS used to sit with us at that age on odd nights but was out at a friends house or had friends round.

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

She goes bed around 10/10.15. So literally the same time.

I do enjoy it but sometimes I just need a break.

She shares her room with her younger sister so can’t go and relax in her room sadly, but she has our room that she sometimes goes and relaxes in.

@Thedarksideofthemoon30 this is really sad. Should she just be expected to go and relax in whatever room is empty at the time? 😔 she obviously enjoys your company, can’t you just enjoy hers? It’s really sad that you would prioritise watching something more grown up over watching your DD grow up in my opinion. I hope your DH doesn’t feel the same way about her.

FWIW...I grew up with a mum who describes herself as a “hands off parent”. She took very little to do with me physically or emotionally after about 12/13 because I was past the “child stage” where I needed looked after . It works both ways - I just stopped making an effort with her. She knew nothing about my life after I was about 15. When I moved out at 18 to go to uni I didn’t make an effort to go home and she didn’t make an effort to visit me (I was 50 minutes away in our nearest city). She met my now DH after I’d lived with him for 2 years (I’d been with him 3.5years). Had no idea I even had a BF until she met him.
After getting pregnant with my first DC last year at 30 I suddenly became interesting to her again 🙄 she was genuinely shocked when I told her I didn’t want her in the delivery room (couldn’t anyway with covid) or want her coming to stay after baby was born. I don’t feel comfortable or relaxed in her company.

Just remember that she’s now growing up and that your relationship with her now will most likely determine the type of relationship you have with her as an adult 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you don't want her hanging around you every evening then maybe you need to think about providing a space where she can hang out and have her own space? Your room isn't suitable, she's not going to feel cosy hanging out in there all the time.

If you can't provide her with her own space then you need to understand why she wants to be with you rather than sat alone in your bedroom or with her younger sister. She's your daughter ffs.

If she hasn't got her own room I don't think you can expect her to not be in the living room. The OP reads almost as if there is jealousy that DD is on sofa with DH- who seems quite happy to have her company. I love my parents and loved sitting with them in the evening- makes me feel sad to think of them not wanting me back then. I hope your DD hasn't caught on to how ypu feel.

8pm is adult time in our house. You go to your own room, watch your telly, play your games etc

[quote littlepattilou]**@paralysedbyinertia

Poor child.

What shocks me is how many people are on here defending the OP, apparently finding it quite normal to consider your children a pain in the arse.

This 100%... It's just so depressing to read. [/quote]
Completely agree @littlepattilou @paralysedbyinertia
I’m only 7months in to parenting with my first DS and am already praying that he still wants to even look at me by the time he’s 13, nevermind hang out with me?! 😅🤞🏼 Surely spending time with your children and as a family unit is what people have children for? or have I missed the point entirely and I’m only supposed to have had DS to fill a room in my house?

@Milesbennettdyson

8pm is adult time in our house. You go to your own room, watch your telly, play your games etc

@Milesbennettdyson but OPs DD shares a room with a 5yr old so would have to go straight to sleep!

@Serpenta

If you want your kid to feck off upstairs out of your way the least you can do is give her a bedroom that she doesn't have to share with another sibling.

I'd have though this was obvious.

Agree

Poor kid. Doesn’t have her own bedroom so nowhere to go and isn’t one downstairs. Can’t even be round a mates house due to covid. She probably is bored shitless.

Isnt wanted downstairs not one downstairs.

9pm is a reasonable bedtime for a 13 year old. Any earlier is unfair as you’re making her share a room with her 5 year old sibling! So she can’t read in bed or watch TV upstairs like many young teens do before bed.

It’s not very nice to tell her to go ‘relax’ in your bedroom.

Any chance you can move to a house where she can have her own bedroom, or at least divide the current bedroom into 2 smaller rooms? It’s not really her space at all sharing it with a child 8 years younger than her!

@Milesbennettdyson

8pm is adult time in our house. You go to your own room, watch your telly, play your games etc

That's sad to me.

We spend the whole evening together, every evening - dc are 12, 11 and 9 and dh and I go to bed at the same time they do (9ish midweek and closer to 10 at the weekend). I love it - I am so grateful that they want to hang out with us and I hope it is a habit that sticks as they get older. Yes, dh and I can't watch very adult tv/films - we watch something together and some of it is officially 'adult' (nothing violent and no graphic sex obviously, but we watched Parks and Recreation together, for example and Good Omens). We usually have a puzzle on the go and sometimes we all just read or play a game, but we are always together - no one ever goes off to their room.

We are a family, not a couple. We will have plenty of time to be just the two of us again when they grow up and leave home. I wouldn't dream of telling them they are not welcome to be with us in the evening.

Wow, a right pair of wimpy parents.