To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

@paralysedbyinertia

Poor child.

What shocks me is how many people are on here defending the OP, apparently finding it quite normal to consider your children a pain in the arse.

This 100%... It's just so depressing to read.

@Floralnomad

All the people saying you need to ‘clock off from parenting’ , it’s not parenting , it is sitting and watching TV / talking with your older children , it’s no different to sitting with another adult . Unless you are planning on having sex in the lounge I really can’t see what difference it makes if your children are there or not .

Exactly this. Some people seem to see being with their own CHILDREN as a chore, and they can't seem to get rid of them fast enough, with this 'we are entitled to our ADULT time' attitude. How sad and depressing, to resent your children so much. Makes you wonder why people bother having them really.

My mum probably could have written this 13 years ago, she'd complain if I sat next to my dad on the sofa or if I told him how my day at school/collage/work went. She'd be in a mood if I walked the dog with my dad, despite me suggesting we all go, as a family, apparently that wasn't good enough either.
Keep at it, eventually your daughter will realise you don't like her, don't want her around and that she gets in the way.

@EileenGC

This was one thing in the UK that I didn’t understand at first. There seems to be this ‘need’ for adult only time. Having evenings alone, separate activities and trips, children and parents’ bedtimes are different so the adults get a break.

Where I come from everyone goes to bed at the same time, including little ones of primary age, every day, dinner is eaten late when everyone is back from work. Weekends are spent together and I have such fond memories of seating on the sofa with my whole family watching TV every Saturday and Sunday evening. I’m sure at times my parents were bored, and at other times I hated what they were watching, but it was so amazing to spend time together as a family.

I hope I can raise my children in the same family-oriented way, instead of constantly wanting to separate my life from theirs.

There is nothing wrong with wanting an hour or two to yourself in the evenings! As a child in the 80’s even at age 16 my parents said that after 9pm that was their time. We had a TV in our room and could watch that for a bit if we wanted, or listen to music or read. We spent a lot of time together as a family and watched tv until 9 all together. It suited us all and even at age 15/16 I understood what they were saying. I had younger siblings and they needed a break. Now I have 3 lively kids of my own and quite honestly I think I wouldn’t have coped well without downtime in the evening. I don’t have any family to help with kids so it’s me alone all week and then me and DH every weekend. We do heaps together though. Every weekend we are off as a family to somewhere or at home doing things together. Many many happy times taking them to many special family places. But yeah- alone / quiet time is extremely important. If primary kids are up until adults bedtime when do you get to switch off from Mum mode and find some time for yourself? Answer = you don’t or you have family to help

2 of the threads were calling her chunky, and saying she stinks of B.O.

Another thread says she hates all of her children.

I think the OP has issues, that can't be/won't be resolved by posting threads on here bashing and berating her children.

Oh no that's awful
Thank fuck the poor girl has her step dad.

OP if you're still reading this you seriously need to get some help, go to your GP or something because the problem is obviously yours not your poor DD's.

What happens when you've got a younger child? Mum and Dad go and get in bed at 7pm in case heaven forbid they are seen as being different to their child?

Children don’t go to bed at 7pm. Okay, 2 year olds might, but it’s not like they’re going to participate much in family life at that age anyway. Children and adults go to bed at around the same time in my family - 10pm, school night or not. You obviously adapt this if needed when the kids are small, and find something that works for the entire family, but you definitely can’t ‘dictate’ a bedtime to a 13 or 15yo.

I had a quick look at the other threads but I think posters are being unfair. The OP made it clear in those threads that she has mental health issues - she is clearly struggling so I think she needs advice but not harshness. She is obviously not in a good place.

No, clearly she's not in a good place. But we wouldn't know this from this thread alone. On the face of it, it's unreasonable to want to send her DD up to a room that she shares with a (much) younger sibling, in which she can't relax. No teen wants to hang out in her parents' bedroom, which was the other option.

That's actually unreasonable, period.

Interesting. Just read your previous thread about your DDs relationship with DH and everyone is saying on there that you need a date night with DH, and need time alone etc.

It's so hard to get it all right - and especially with Covid. My earlier post said just enjoy her being there, but I do now see that you are feeling pushed out and invisible. Can you talk to DH and explain how you feel - and maybe arrange some couple time as well?

Best of luck!

I would be happy that my 13 year old wants to spend time with her parents rather than be shoved out the way just so you can be alone with your other half. You sound jealous of your own dd.

Sounds like you need to earn some more money so you can buy a bigger house.

How lonely it would be for your DD to be told she’s not allowed/wanted in the lounge but also isn’t allowed in her own actual bedroom either to entertain herself with her own belongings.

Would you want to have to go and sit in someone else’s bedroom all night?

I don’t think YABU to want adult evenings, but it’s a pie in the sky idea whilst you can’t give her her own space.

I totally understand that people need downtime to relax at the end of the day. I just don't understand at all why it's so hard for them to relax when their kids are in the room. Babies and toddlers are hard work, for sure, but why is it so difficult to be around your own kids when they're older? It's just your family.

@Lydia777

I had a quick look at the other threads but I think posters are being unfair. The OP made it clear in those threads that she has mental health issues - she is clearly struggling so I think she needs advice but not harshness. She is obviously not in a good place.

Yes I've just looked as well after the comments on here (I know it's not the done thing but I was concerned about the poor DC)

She doesn't seem that bad. The 'chunky kid' one was her being concerned her DC was putting on weight. The 'DD stinks' one was recommendations for deodorants.
The 13 year old has horse riding lessons and a maths tutor so she's not that hard done by.

OP's only been married to her DH for 2 years so I guess that's why she wants to sit next to him on her own give it a couple more years 😂

Sounds like you need to earn some more money so you can buy a bigger house

There appears to be plenty of money for non-human animals.

So, she's sharing her room with a 4 year old who's a bad sleeper? It sounds a good idea for her to be in the living room, rather than disturbing her sister.

@lynsey91

Just one of the many reasons I am glad we don't have children. I would hate to have a child sitting with us every evening.

We want and like time just to be together snuggled up together on the sofa

I am glad you do not have children as well.

[quote m0therofdragons]@Porkee yes but I was already failing at being a mum as I work full time and love my job plus I do a hobby 2-3 times a week. I embrace my failure (which is reflected in my dcs’ strong work ethic and great school results).[/quote]
Their great school results are down to their hard work, not yours.

I’m sorry, OP, but YAB a bit U to try to post this without context to any of your other threads. You say you have three children. So far, you’ve posted a thread in February that your 4-year-old daughter (so that would be THIS daughter’s roommate) is terrorizing your family and “none of us like her at the moment.” Last year, you posted you didn’t particularly like your 11-year-old son because he was being rude. You’ve posted this same thread about your teen daughter being downstairs at night recently. Maybe you only come on MN to post when the kids are bothering you, so it’s an inaccurate picture?

But you can’t complain about your 13-year-old daughter being downstairs at night and not mention: she can’t go to her room or have a TV in it because she shares it with a 5 year old who should have a radically different bedtime. I’m not trying to shame you; I know some families can’t afford a bedroom for every child. But you’re going to have to make some allowances.

Children and adults go to bed at around the same time in my family - 10pm, school night or not.

What age are your DC?

I could understand more if this was your step child but shes your daughter and just wants to spend time with you which is sweet. Why don't you and your husband have a date night once every week or 2 where kids go upstairs and let you and Jim have dinner together and watch a film and they get a pizza and a treat with each other?
I would also speak to her about whether anything could be wrong, at 13 I would want to be chatting to my mates in the evenings?

I’m 45 and I have the best memories of being a teenager and chatting to my parents while we watched tv in the evenings. I’d be gutted if my own teens felt they couldn’t come and join us in the same way.

just tell her to go to bed.
she should not be watching anything after 9pm anyway, its the watershed.
how have you got into this situation.
what will she be like in a couple of years time, you need to assert your authority. she needs boundaries, all children do, they get insecure otherwise, can go off the rails. she has and will have plenty of friends.
only gets one go at parents.
be the parents she needs, instead of cod pals.