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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

726 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 15/05/2021 21:30

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

OP posts:
bellie710 · 15/05/2021 23:57

We have 3 DD's 10, 13 and 15, I would love it if any of them wanted to spend any time with us! They usually roll their eyes at us if we speak then disappear upstairs, OP you are so lucky! My youngest 2 have recently been involved in a community thing where everyone is talking about them (very positive) but we never see it a home only in public, think yourself lucky!

FoodieToo · 15/05/2021 23:59

I wasn’t shocked by the Haribo. More the fact that a 15 year old is sent to bed ! On a Saturday night ! Whatever about during the week with school etc.

And I must be very odd but why on earth would myself and my husband need to sit on the same couch ??? He’d eye me with suspicion if I sat too close ...... he’d assume I’d booked some expensive holiday without telling him or similar Grin!

SuperCaliFragalistic · 16/05/2021 00:02

I never really had to be sent to bed. I loved sleeping so I always took myself off at a suitable time but I enjoyed watching a bit of TV with Mum while Dad was at the pub or with Dad while Mum was at nightschool. I look forward to the days that my kids can put themselves to bed when they want to and stay up if they want. I'm glad I'm a single parent and don't feel I need to pack my children off to bed to have time alone with a partner. My kids are better company anyway.

KurtWilde · 16/05/2021 00:03

@EileenGC

This was one thing in the UK that I didn’t understand at first. There seems to be this ‘need’ for adult only time. Having evenings alone, separate activities and trips, children and parents’ bedtimes are different so the adults get a break.

Where I come from everyone goes to bed at the same time, including little ones of primary age, every day, dinner is eaten late when everyone is back from work. Weekends are spent together and I have such fond memories of seating on the sofa with my whole family watching TV every Saturday and Sunday evening. I’m sure at times my parents were bored, and at other times I hated what they were watching, but it was so amazing to spend time together as a family.

I hope I can raise my children in the same family-oriented way, instead of constantly wanting to separate my life from theirs.

This is how my parents raised us and how I'm raising mine.
paralysedbyinertia · 16/05/2021 00:03

I just can't understand why people create such an "us and them" atmosphere in their own families. It sounds horrible!

bonbonours · 16/05/2021 00:04

Another one here who says make the most of it as very soon she may start spending all her time in her room with her door shut. Surely unless you always watch 18 rated shows and films most stuff is suitable for a 13 year old. If she's not interested and being noisy then why not suggest she does something else.

littlepattilou · 16/05/2021 00:05

@Clymene

The OP isn't a step mum. I've read her previous threads and I do t think this is helping her so I'm out.
Yep I have read a few of her previous threads too. The 13 y.o. IS her daughter, and she has 2 other younger kids. She seems to struggle with them, and has posted a few derogatory threads about the 13 y.o. in particular.

2 of the threads were calling her chunky, and saying she stinks of B.O.

Another thread says she hates all of her children.

I think the OP has issues, that can't be/won't be resolved by posting threads on here bashing and berating her children.

Personally I think banishing your 13 y.o. to her bedroom because she is 'inconveniencing' you is just fucking nasty. Our daughter always watched TV with us in her teens, and I watched TV with MY parents when I was in my teens too. I would watch it in my room too sometimes, but loved to watch it with my parents.

And I have lovely memories of it (from the 1970s,) as does my daughter (from the noughties...) The family were together, and no-one was shoved out because they were an 'inconvenience.' Hmm

This 'children should be seen and not heard' and 'they should be in bed by 8pm even at 13-14 y.o, coz I need MEEEEE time' attitude that some posters have is just depressing. Poor kids Sad I would never have made my daughter feel that unwanted, or that much of a burden.

NannySEN · 16/05/2021 00:08

Is this your step daughter by any chance? You’re human and I see that you want some time alone with your DH. However, where is a 13 year old supposed to go, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, but even if there were no social restrictions, 13 is a bit too young to be out in the evenings in my opinion, especially if you live in a city which I’m not sure you do.

While I agree with some posters that the uk culture seems to seperate children and adults too much, I think it’s healthy to have boundaries and alone time also. Could you put a tv in your room and watch stuff in there, then she can have the living room to herself some nights? Although I’d say she’s incredibly lonely right now given the restrictions and being an only child.

NannySEN · 16/05/2021 00:11

Oh just saw about the other threads, I’ve not seen them. How did you find them @littlepattilou ? Curious(nosey) now.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/05/2021 00:13

Think the dad is the step parent and the younger sister is much younger so not much fun for a teenager to share a room with.

littlepattilou · 16/05/2021 00:18

@NannySEN

Oh just saw about the other threads, I’ve not seen them. How did you find them *@littlepattilou* ? Curious(nosey) now.
Advanced search.
NannySEN · 16/05/2021 00:19

This thread is putting me off having children, I’m in a 15 year relationship and I hope I never get to the stage where my husband would eye me up with suspicion if I wanted to sit close to him. Life is not all about children. Family time is important but so is adult only time.

minipie · 16/05/2021 00:22

I see you’cve posted before about how close your DD and DH (her step dad) have got and how it makes you feel pushed out.

I’m guessing that’s the real issue here….

Bagamoyo1 · 16/05/2021 00:22

I’m amazed that so many of you have kids who want to sit with parents in the evening!
My 12 year old is in bed by 9 anyway, and my 15 year old much prefers to play Xbox games with his mates or lie in bed gazing at his phone or chatting to his girlfriend. He’d be most put out if I insisted he watched TV with me! (Not that I ever have time to watch TV though)

littlepattilou · 16/05/2021 00:22

@NannySEN

I'm not a fan of people looking for a poster's old threads, but the OP posted here at 9.30 p.m yesterday, and has posted nothing since. So I (like several others it seems) looked through her posting history to try to find a bit more about her, seeing as she was not returning to answer any of the questions that people were asking.

Pinkylemons · 16/05/2021 00:22

I have a 13 and a 14 year old that I rarely see. They literally live in their rooms.

I do feel for your daughter though. You are a family. It’s a bit sad that you expect her to go upstairs alone 🤷🏼‍♀️

Floralnomad · 16/05/2021 00:23

All the people saying you need to ‘clock off from parenting’ , it’s not parenting , it is sitting and watching TV / talking with your older children , it’s no different to sitting with another adult . Unless you are planning on having sex in the lounge I really can’t see what difference it makes if your children are there or not .

KurtWilde · 16/05/2021 00:23

Just had a nosey at OPs MANY other threads. Hm. I don't think I saw one positive thread about any of her DC or her DH for that matter. Many negative comments about her 13yo DD Sad

littlepattilou · 16/05/2021 00:24

@minipie

I see you’cve posted before about how close your DD and DH (her step dad) have got and how it makes you feel pushed out.

I’m guessing that’s the real issue here….

This. ^ Well, that's ONE of the issues the OP has with her 13 y.o. daughter. (One of many it seems.......)
littlepattilou · 16/05/2021 00:25

@KurtWilde

Just had a nosey at OPs MANY other threads. Hm. I don't think I saw one positive thread about any of her DC or her DH for that matter. Many negative comments about her 13yo DD Sad
Same here. I saw all that too.
YellowMonday · 16/05/2021 00:30

Maybe your daughter loves spending time with you?

I'm an only child, and growing up I was never made to feel like I was encroaching on my parent's time. At that age I did go to bed early at 8.30pm (national level swimmer up at 5am for training) which would have given my parents a few hours alone in the evening.

If your daughter goes to bed at 10pm, can't you and your husband stay up an extra hour if you want some time together? While your daughters are sharing a room and on a different sleep schedule, there's not really anywhere for her to go before bed. Or why don't you go to bed early, then get up early before the girls are up?

You do realise you can sit next to your husband on the couch while your daughter is up and be affectionate? A hug is fine, obviously anything more sexual would be a bit too much!

With puberty rapidly approaching, you may not have long until she wants nothing to do with you. Enjoy it while it lasts!

paralysedbyinertia · 16/05/2021 00:32

@KurtWilde

Just had a nosey at OPs MANY other threads. Hm. I don't think I saw one positive thread about any of her DC or her DH for that matter. Many negative comments about her 13yo DD Sad
Poor child. Sad

What shocks me is how many people are on here defending the OP, apparently finding it quite normal to consider your children a pain in the arse.

grapewine · 16/05/2021 00:33

I've read some previous threads. There are bigger issues. It's tough, OP. But it isn't your children's fault. They're children. Hope you feel better soon.

JimBobNoJob · 16/05/2021 00:34

Yes I’ve just come back here after reading some of the other threads too. Some of that was hard to read.

steff13 · 16/05/2021 00:35

Goodness, the OP doesn't seem to like any of her children very much.

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