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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Girls' school girls dating other girls

166 replies

DoingItForTheKid · 15/05/2021 16:45

My Y7 DD at a girls' school has at least 4 year group mates who are dating another girl.

My DD has asked if I would mind if she was bisexual. Of course I don't mind but I can't help think that this is just a fad to fit in.

What is the correct thing to say?

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 16/05/2021 13:32

It has nothing to do with acceptance and is pretty common place in a lot of gay circles.

Yeah, Gay Until Graduation and similar has been an insult thrown particularly at girls/women for at least a couple decades now in some 'gay circles'. It's kinda like 'Gold Star' where certain groups really love it, but a lot of people find it gross. Some are sensitive to things like that because of the abuse some have had with that.

Part of the problem is as a society we have incredibly limited language around something complicated and important. Yeah, some of them may have been caught up in a trend in their social circle, and but another large part of it, and why some are a bit more sensitive people assuming sexualities are a fad or phase, because of all the shite that's really common in some areas whether with straight people or 'gay circles' (without bisexuals it seems) that bisexuals always 'pick a side' (rather than picking a person) and told repeated 'deep down' we're really straight (usually women) or gay (usually men). That social pressure can get to people. It's fucked with my head at times where I felt I must 'deep down' be one or the other because I had too many lesbian friends tell me that bisexuals just need to get over our compulsory heterosexuality or stop being fakers.

It's seen in this thread where bisexual women who marry men are assumed to have 'actually' been straight - there is a message in LGb circles too that that's the truth, that bisexuals are all just liars and traitors to the cause unless we settle down with someone of the same sex, that we're just playing with people. This ignores a bisexual's dating pool will always have more people of the other sex open to dating us than of the same sex. It's basic probability, even with movements like FemFEB, that more bisexuals will have other sex partners -- and we'll all still be bisexuals.

It would be great to say 'why the hell not try it', but having been someone else's test subject and all the pain that goes with that, I think there is a big difference to someone testing things out on someone and people who seek out and enjoys same sex affection, but has a strong preference for the other sex. A Kinsey 1 for a lack of better word (Kinsey's research had issues, but the scale has uses). I think it would be better if we could have more language around affection and connections though these days it seems more likely to just create another label system than be useful.

paralysedbyinertia · 16/05/2021 13:33

Personally, I'd be telling her that I think Year 7 is too young for dating full stop, but that you're entirely comfortable with whatever her sexuality turns out to be, as long as she explores it in an age-appropriate way.

catgirl1976 · 16/05/2021 13:33

You say "Why would I mind? Just make sure you date people who treat you well"

Then if it IS a fad she doesn't feel silly when it fizzles out and is it's NOT a fad she knows she's accepted for who she is.

OuiOuiKitty · 16/05/2021 13:54

My dd is the same age and apparently there are only 2 straight girls in her class(mixed class). I just nod and smile. I've always been very 'when you are older and have a boyfriend or girlfriend' to both of my children so they know it doesn't bother me who they decide to date. Right now it is all completely innocent and none of the girls in my dds class have physical relationships of any kind so I don't see any cause for concern whether it is girls or boys they are in 'relationships' with.

ShinyGreenElephant · 16/05/2021 14:00

Same in my daughters (mixed) school - loads of her friends are dating other girls. My dd says she doesnt have any sexual feelings either way yet (good!) but I'd be happy if she was gay, bi, straight whatever and she knows that. Think on balance I'd prefer her dating a girl as a teenager

BuffyFanForever · 16/05/2021 14:03

I went to an all girls school and like others it was completely not on to even suggest liking girls! I didn’t come out till second year of uni and had boyfriends before that. Very surprised to hear how much that seems to have changed more recently. At 11/ 12 surely it’s just about the idea of dating or perhaps a group trip to the cinema?! Agree with others to just be positive then either way no harm is done!

AgentJohnson · 16/05/2021 14:09

My concern is that the popular girls will outgrow any label and be allowed to move on from it, the less popular may have a label used against them in future.

Used against them, how? What is your worry here?

It might be a fad and it might not be but what gives you the right to label it, whatever it is?

Chillychangchoo · 16/05/2021 14:11

@BiBabbles

I guess it’s not really up to you though if you become someone’s “test subject”. If someone is confused about their sexuality they need to “try it out”. I guess that’s the only way to find out.

More language to describe relations will only confuse things in my opinion. My 15 year old niece having an opinion on who she thinks is a lesbian or not is not an insult if she keeps those thoughts to herself. If a girl wants to try it on with her as a test subject, then it is what it is my niece wouldn’t begrudge that. It would be their choice.

LizzieW1969 · 16/05/2021 14:53

My DD2 told me that she was gay 18 months ago, at age 7. Apparently she and a friend had had a kiss and she therefore thought that meant that she was gay. She’d always been curious about sexuality since being taught at school that two girls could get married (obviously the teacher would have said that she meant grown-ups!).

I just nodded understanding and didn’t think too much of it, since she was only 7. I simply said that she was too young to need to worry about what sexuality she was.

A few months later, I was horrified to discover that she was being groomed online on the game roblox by ‘online boyfriends’.

Thankfully, at 9, she’s no longer thinking about relationships, she just plays online with her cousins and school friends. I obviously check very closely now, though.

By contrast, my DD1 (12) isn’t even thinking about her sexuality at all, it hasn’t even crossed her mind to wonder whether she’s gay or not.

I think the difference is that DD2 forms really strong attachments to her friends in a way that DD1 doesn’t.

ChunkyMonkey2020 · 16/05/2021 15:12

I went to an all girls school. I'd say at least 60% of the girls went through a phase of " dating" another girl.

I'd say it's pretty normal.

SmokedDuck · 16/05/2021 15:21

Yes, it probably is a fad, dating at that age in general isn't particularly meaningful.

You could always say, no dating at all until she's older and can take the whole idea a little more seriously. I don't think the way young teens frame friendships at that age as dating is actually all that healthy.

DoingItForTheKid · 16/05/2021 15:22

@crosspelican that letter sounds good

OP posts:
Einszwei · 16/05/2021 15:28

In Yr 7 most 'relationships' could be classified as a 'fad' rather than actual attraction. It is part of growing up and exploring personal preference, same sex or not.

SmokedDuck · 16/05/2021 15:33

I also don't think there is anything wrong in telling kids of 11 that their sexual feelings will likely go through a lot of changes and permutations in their teen years and there is no need to try to define and fit into some label, certainly until they are older and maybe never. Which is 100% true and the idea that this isn't affirming is bs.

Many kids now get this idea that they have to "know what they are" and define themselves, and they sometimes get quite stressed out about it.There has been a real disservice done to kids who are in a period, in the pre-teen and early teen years, or maybe not being all that sexual at all, and later being much more sexually reactive than they will be as adults. Kids aren't stupid, they can understand this and it's a real relief when someone finally tells them this for some.

tentimesaday · 16/05/2021 15:53

My dd is at a girls' school. It's a fashion, a fad, whatever you want to call it. Everyone is now 'queer'. It's social death not to identify as bisexual. Just say 'that's fine darling'. No big speeches are necessary. Just smile and wave!

Runnerduck34 · 16/05/2021 16:58

Just tell her you love her unconditionally for who she is whether she dates girls or boys.
I think it maybe be a fad, my dds go to an all girl's school and i have noticed the same trend, in fact 2 out of 30 in dds year 9 class identify as boys ,which i cant help but think is higher than the national average!
I do worry about social media influences particularly for girls who are vulnerable , don't feel like they fit and looking for a tribe.

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