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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Girls' school girls dating other girls

166 replies

DoingItForTheKid · 15/05/2021 16:45

My Y7 DD at a girls' school has at least 4 year group mates who are dating another girl.

My DD has asked if I would mind if she was bisexual. Of course I don't mind but I can't help think that this is just a fad to fit in.

What is the correct thing to say?

OP posts:
Chillychangchoo · 16/05/2021 09:51

It’s defo a current fad at the minute according to my lesbian 15 year old niece. (She really is a lesbian and she’s bloody fab) however in her opinion a lot of girls in her year are just doing it because it’s a trend.

Either way it wouldn’t really bother me. Just let them carry on.

Tal45 · 16/05/2021 09:55

I think at 11 everything is a fad! She has a long time still to be young and work out who she is. Just tell her you'll be happy whatever and whoever she decides she is.

mindutopia · 16/05/2021 10:04

I would to an all girls school. There were definitely more girls there that were dating other girls than I think would be typical in a mixed gender school. I don't think this was because it was a 'fad' in an all girls school (though some of them did go on to date and marry men as adults - obviously that doesn't mean they're fully heterosexual though). But I think many of the girls who went there did because they knew they were gay and they didn't want to be in a mixed environment. They're still gay now - we're in our 40s, mostly married to women, raising children.

I would just support her and be glad she is comfortable enough to talk to you about all of this.

maxineputyourredshoeson · 16/05/2021 10:05

I commented quite early on in the post about my DD11 telling us she is gay. And honestly, I can’t believe some of the stuff I’m reading. My DD doesn’t date and nobody is sexualised. She is an 11 year old girl who is trying to find her place in this pretty shitty world. We have struggled with her confidence, she is painfully shy and has always wanted to ‘disappear’. Since she told us she is gay, she has blossomed the school have even commented on the change in her. If she’s happy and is able to accept herself I’m bloody sure I can fad or not.

Pedalpushers · 16/05/2021 10:07

When I was 11 I only wanted to go out with boys to 'fit in', but noone would have said that was a fad? That said, being openly lgbt is way more accepted now than it was when I was that age so it wouldn't surprise me if a fair number of girls would openly experiment or already think they might be bisexual. I'm bi but always tended to date men just because biphobia is so prevalent, and a LOT of people I know tell me they also experience some same-sex attraction even if they consider themselves straight.

flashylamp · 16/05/2021 10:10

It’s defo a current fad at the minute according to my lesbian 15 year old niece. (She really is a lesbian and she’s bloody fab) however in her opinion a lot of girls in her year are just doing it because it’s a trend.

Oh so your niece really is a lesbian but is happy to dismiss others? The tend there is coming from her, not them. She sounds like she wants to be special, she is the only one, the others are 'fakes'

She needs to learn acceptance. Quickly.

Bvop · 16/05/2021 10:13

Tbh it doesn’t matter if you mind or not, her sexuality is her sexuality: if anyone else minds then they need to get over themselves. I’d be saying she will always deserve relationships built on mutual kindness, respect and empathy, and you’re happy for her if she’s found this.

DoingItForTheKid · 16/05/2021 10:22

My concern is that the popular girls will outgrow any label and be allowed to move on from it, the less popular may have a label used against them in future.

OP posts:
JackANackAnoreeee · 16/05/2021 10:27

@DoingItForTheKid

My concern is that the popular girls will outgrow any label and be allowed to move on from it, the less popular may have a label used against them in future.
The kids aren't going to be tarnished with a gay label. I do think that attitude (that being gay or even having considered being gay is such a negative stain on your character) might be quite damaging to any child who does actually turn out to be gay. If this is as prevelant in school as you suggest I can hardly see how it's going to lead to any particular child being singled out.
boomwhacker · 16/05/2021 10:33

My dd is at an all girls school and reckons that she and all her friends are lesbians. I think it's highly unlikely and probably more a result of raging hormones and a lack of boys to be honest.

flashylamp · 16/05/2021 10:33

@DoingItForTheKid

My concern is that the popular girls will outgrow any label and be allowed to move on from it, the less popular may have a label used against them in future.

What the fuck

EmeraldShamrock · 16/05/2021 10:36

It concern is that the popular girls will outgrow any label and be allowed to move on from it, the less popular may have a label used against them in future.
This won't be an issue if they change their mind it's fine, love is love these days thankfully.

Febo24 · 16/05/2021 10:36

This thread is reading as:

Girls like boys = it's normal and cute! Little darlings.

Girls like girls = OMG sex sex sex! What about the kids!

Chillychangchoo · 16/05/2021 10:47

@flashylamp

Oh so it couldn’t possibly be a fad in some girls? Gosh how close minded of you.

For what it’s worth I couldn’t care less if my daughter decides to be a lesbian or go through a “lesbian fad”. Wouldn’t concern me in the slightest.

However you are completely naive if you think no girls go through certain fads whilst they are figuring out their sexuality. Particularly in this day and age whereby it’s very accepted amongst young people (and rightly so). My niece knows she’s not special, she just has a good gaydar!!

Nothing at all to do with acceptance and she’s more than happy to kiss a few “fakers” by all accounts 🤣.

You need to get in the real world dear.

flashylamp · 16/05/2021 10:56

Oh so it couldn’t possibly be a fad in some girls? Gosh how close minded of you.

I did not say that. My point was that your 'real lesbian' niece doesn't get to decide that.

The last thing you will get from me is a closed kind though.

Chillychangchoo · 16/05/2021 11:04

@flashylamp

Of course not but she has her opinions, which she is allowed. It has nothing to do with acceptance and is pretty common place in a lot of gay circles. It’s not like she goes round and directly tells girls who and who isn’t gay, but there absolutely is a sub set of girls currently who are saying they are a lesbian because it’s a bit of a fashion trend in year 10. One minute they’re straight, the next they’re a lesbian. And so what? Good for them. But it’s naive to think that in some cases it’s not a fad.

What is very damaging is telling young people directly you think it’s a fad. I get that, totally invalidating and something I imagine non accepting parents could potentially say.

I guess the crux of the matter is fad or not, it doesn’t really matter.

MrPickles73 · 16/05/2021 11:09

I suspect it is a fad. Apparently it's a thing at our local all girls school..

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 16/05/2021 11:55

Just because kids are "dating" doesn't mean they are in a sexual relationship ffs!

flashylamp · 16/05/2021 12:06

Of course not but she has her opinions, which she is allowed. It has nothing to do with acceptance and is pretty common place in a lot of gay circles

The issue is your niece is validating herself as a 'real lesbian' yet dismissing others as doing it for the trend. That's not being part of a 'gay circle' - it's the complete opposite.

BiBabbles · 16/05/2021 12:30

I wonder how seriously they are taking it as 2 girls are engaged now apparently.

Yeah, that happened when I was in school - when I was like 9 there was a girl and boy who were 'engaged', arranged for us all to dress up for a party. I told my mother and she got me a black dress that at the time I thought was pretty, but in hindsight I think my anti-marriage mother might have been making a statement.

They're using language adults have taught them to use about their emotions and actions, which may not be the best but it's all they've got. I think there is a need for broader language around these things, to be able to discuss a desire for affection and recognition from another person without sexuality playing a part, but right now, that is not really in the cultural lexicon. Wider social systems have kinda reduced friendships down which is an issue, I think.

It's a complicated issue, but not one that's the kids fault or should just be dismissed as a fan when they are trying to communicate something within our limited social framework as it has developed.

My concern is that the popular girls will outgrow any label and be allowed to move on from it, the less popular may have a label used against them in future.

I can see what you're saying, which is why with my DD I discussed the importance of privacy, that once she says something it's out there and out of her control. I advised against coming out at school at her age when she has so little control of her environment. I'll support and love her whoever she fancies or loves, she can be 'proud' of who she is, she isn't less proud or less herself for not labelling herself at school no matter what her peers are doing.

No matter how many anti-discrimination assemblies the school has put on, she has had enough shite from people just assuming she's a lesbian because she's turned down guys asking her out as has happened since her first day at the school. She has enough from people telling her she isn't actually British because she has an immigrant parent. She has her little group of friends, but she's had a lot of social stress from being very visibly and audibly 'other' even in an objectively diverse school. Some children and adults are assholes.

No matter how accepted it can look within some circles, I would be doing her a disservice if I pretended and denied what she has already experienced just from others' assumptions of her sexuality that all of her peers will have a 'love is love' attitude to everyone who comes out. Most likely, yeah, the ones who are more popular will have an easier time if they later decide that wasn't the right label than others, but that's separate from the support a child asking 'would you mind' is likely asking for.

Chillychangchoo · 16/05/2021 12:34

@flashylamp

Hardly dismissing of others when some of her friends have actually admitted to her personally they think they’re straight “deep down” but want to just try it out, because why the hell not?

My point still stands above. Sometimes it’s a trend, sometimes it isn’t.

You seem to have a real problem with accepting that. We have already discussed the issue of invalidation.

crosspelican · 16/05/2021 12:50

Mine go to a girls school and we have had a letter home recently explaining their position on romantic relationships between the girls and naturally they don't say anything like "they'll all grow out of it" but they say that it's to be expected at this age, and they lay out their (strict) ground rules (no snogging on school grounds or in uniform, etc).

Yes, it's almost certainly a fad, but as it's one of the least harmful things she could come up with, there's no need to get anxious about it, esp. at 11/12.

Girls have grown up being so heavily sexualised and pushed into gender norms by marketing strategies and the pervasive overt sexualisation of EVERYTHING girls and women do, that it's inevitable that they should seek out "grown up" sexuality at this very young age, and completely harmless that they are creating a safe facsimile of it with each other. I would be very surprised if any of it goes beyong holding hands and the odd kiss.

I wonder if in a sense, they're protecting themselves from unwanted contact with boys! When I was 12/13+, it was the "cool" (Confused) thing to do to climb through a hole in the fence which led to a field that the local boys school could also access, and making out with them, to a far greater extent than any of us could want for our children. I don't think there was any sex, but definitely hand jobs and so on, and definitely before most of the girls concerned were "ready", because there was this race to be grown up. Saying you are gay is a socially acceptable way of gracefully excusing yourself now that CERTAINLY wasn't available to anybody in 1990's Ireland!!

amusedbush · 16/05/2021 13:00

I was about 12 when I told my mum I thought I was bisexual. I’m now 31 and definitely bisexual.

It’s normal and expected for girls that age to have crushes on boys but as soon as it’s another girl, people question it.

flashylamp · 16/05/2021 13:10

*Hardly dismissing of others when some of her friends have actually admitted to her personally they think they’re straight “deep down” but want to just try it out, because why the hell not?

That's not what you said in the post I initially responded to though. I replied to a post at face value.

HoboSexualOnslow · 16/05/2021 13:29

@Adventureswith

TBH I’m a bit jealous. I’m gay and went to a girls school and no girl would have admitted to be into girls. Being a lesbian was for losers and weirdos. I love that kids can just have the chance to be who they are for the most part.
Same, took me a while to realise I am bi
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